Being accused of gaslighting and abuse

[OmmiMama]

Married 3 years, have 1.5 yr old and pregnant with much wanted number 2.

Just been away from DH with family for a lovely stress free week.

Came home and within an hour or two he was getting grumpy and stressed with me (because I asked him to get something out of the blue suitcase in the car, and then he asked where something else was and I said 'the blue bag' meaning the one right in front of him in the house, but he thought I also meant the blue suitcase in the car - so he got grumpy accusing me of 'not giving him enough information' etc).

Then when that blew over we were in the car talking about upcoming scans and I asked if we were going to find out the sex this time. He said of course we would, we did last time, and I reminded him that I hadn't initially wanted to last time. He said 'ok you decide this time' and I said I'd rather we discussed it and decided together (like last time). He then said that he had given me 'what I wanted' and why was I arguing. I said I wasn't arguing, just wanted us to discuss and choose together. He said he would never discuss it again. Kept repeating that he was 'agreeing with me' while declaring that he would not talk about it with me again. When I said he wasn't agreeing with me because that wasn't what I wanted he shouted and swore at me (with our baby in the back of the car :( ).

We then stopped talking and a few hours later he apologized for the shouting and swearing but said it was my fault for painting him into a corner. He said we could talk about whether to find out the gender if I wanted. I went to bed.

This morning he was acting like nothing had happened, I was talking to him as necessary for getting our baby up but when he tried to start another conversation I just said I really didn't feel like talking to him. He accused me of giving him the silent treatment. I said I was talking to him, just feeling pretty upset.

He repeated that he had been 'agreeing' with me and I had argued with him and what could he do. I said he hadn't been agreeing. He said I was 'gaslighting' him.

I then told him what I had been feeling, which was that I had been so much happier away from the arguing and stress. (I didn't tell him that I didn't miss him at all, but that's how I feel. Without him I was happy).

He said he had apologized but I was continuing the 'abuse' and 'gaslighting' him over what happened.

I just want out. I just want my baby and then one to come out of this place where they will hear shouting and swearing.

I thought it was normal to actually discuss things with your partner.

Me too! Especially as I haven't thought decided how I feel about it, it just seemed natural to want chat to DH about it.

Do you get conversations with him that don't end with his shouting?
Does it happen every day?

As @HollowTalk said, I think I'm reading a different thread to most.

It's not unreasonable to want to discuss something before making a joint decision aboutan important thing, is it? OP is supposed to say, ok, you want to but thanks for giving me the deciding vote, I say . .. ? THAT sounds controlling, but seems to be what people think she should have done. I'm very confused by the response to this thread.

If I were you, I'd find his attitude difficult - and passive agressive, controlling even but not you, OP. You just sound worn out and confused to know what to do for the best, to me.

I don't understand why, if he has form for shouting and swearing at you, you have chosen to get pregnant again?

Because I want a baby. Because he wanted two close together. Because my first is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I want more. Because we were going through a good patch.

reading this I think we are married to the same men lol

On Friday mine was fine with me ,laughing and joking and then i read out something on facebook where a friend of mine has found out his ex wife is on the game and earning £1,500 a night. I joked im in the wrong job and he didn't speak to me for the rest of the night and went out for a walk on his own. Next day he was like nothing had happened. We went out and were having a great day and then turned on a sixpence and said he wasn't happy about what i said the day before and i should apologise. I refused as it was a joke and he took it wrong way. He then started say he was the way he was and if i didn't like it tough . I replied with well im me and that is that and if you don't like it tough. He then accused me of bullying him and gas lighting him. LOL . Decided men are idiots and don't know what they want .

The good patch has ended. Time to split, it will be best for the children.

He sounds so difficult to live with. I really feel for you OP. I hope you are OK after reading some of the comments on this thread. I really cant see how you have behaved badly at all. If I were you I would get your paperwork together and talk to a solicitor and after the baby is born discuss separating. As someone upthread suggested, tread water for now.

Nowhere in your OP do you say anything of the kind. You talk about the one instance in the car.

The last paragraph of my op, which admittedly now I read it back was a little incoherent (too much crying), was (I've added punctuation to try to make it clearer:

"I just want out. I just want my baby (and the one to come) out of this place where they will hear shouting and swearing."

And my second post a few mins later and long before the supposed drip feed mentioned the counseling, and shouting being his normal way of being.

"I thought it was normal to actually discuss things with your partner."

It is!

Although in this case I'm not sure that there's much to be said about asking the sex at a scan.

You either want to or not/agree or not.

I don't think that it was odd for him to think that as you did last time you would this time, but then it really did deteriorate pretty quickly!

If you're not both willing to work at it-what's the point?

It's not the talking at cross purposes that's the problem-it's how it's reacted to/dealt with.

What does your family/friends think about him OP? Is he generally liked? Is he different in front of them or does he shout and swear at you then too? Does he encourage you to have other friends/past times? Just trying to get an idea if he's generally difficult, or if it's specific to when you are discussing things together (and you have to compromise)

Have you talked to him about the future of the relationship? Do you want to stay? Does he?

He has asked if we can patch things over if he agrees to go to counseling for his anger. He has said he will get counseling for about a year now, he never does. I want to stay. I want it to work.

Nipping away to cause an argument, getting said argument and then confusing her partner, not speaking to him, not accepting an apology, and pretending she hadn’t started an argument. Making it out to be all his fault and then refusing to talk to him but insisting he listens to what she wants to say.

I was trying to start a conversation, not an argument (obviously, I failed). Confusion was not deliberate or wanted. The only time I said I didn't want to speak to him was when he wanted a cheery chat about something fun this morning while my heart was breaking in two - I did not refuse any other conversation, or to let him talk about the argument. I didnt refuse to accept his apology, but we can't carry on like this? Him shouting in from of our child and then saying sorry later, it doesn't make it go away.

The problem is many posters are ignoring an important fact.

When the dh expressed his view it was the OP who then made it escalate by 'pointing out' that she didn't want to know last time but they did anyway which prompted his response of "ok, this time you decide".

youarenotkiddingme

We are not ignoring it at all. She wanted to talk it through - the pros and cons. I don't think that's unusual - I felt differently with my pregnancies and certainly discussed with exH what we were going to do re. scans. OP has made it clear that she isn't sure what she wants. She wanted to have an adult discussion about it.

The fact that she didn't immediately shut up and accept what he said, isn't escalating and doesn't mean she should be shouted and sworn at. I am a bit at all the people who think shouting and swearing at your partner (in front of children - but actually at all) is OK if they've been annoying.

Let's try a reverse

So DH has been away with the our 1.5 year old and I am pregnant. We were in the car and he started talking about the scan. I said of course we'll find out the sex, we did last time, but then he said he hadn't wanted to, but had done it because I wanted to. So I said, fine then don't find out, your choice. So he said, no he wanted to go through the pros and cons with me.

I hate that - it was so bloody annoying so I told the useless wankstain to shut the fuck up with his fucking moaning, stupid bastard.

All fine right? He was escalating it.

If someone posted that reverse, I guarantee that someone would say that you're pregnant and hormonal so your h should forgive you.

You're not sure but brought up how you felt last time. Was this because you were having a dig or did you want him to convince you why you should find out? If it's the latter then maybe he thought he'd rather not since you might bring up the fact that he talked you into it at a later date? When I read your OP, I interpreted you bringing up not wanting to know last time as not wanting to know this time too.

I didn't bring it up as a dig! It was just the way he said we would find out no need for discussion, would have made sense if we had both enthusiasticly agreed last time, so I thought maybe he'd forgotten that it wasn't like that. I wanted to talk it over (as mentioned, the main reasons we discussed last time don't apply this time).

I really don't understand why you were so hung up about wanting a discussion.

Because I didn't want my husband dictating to me what we would do, nor did I want to rule over him, I wanted us to have a grown up discussion and decide something. Is that really so unusual?

It’s very telling OP, that you are picking out certain points and disagreeing, even with a poster who has apparently long since left, but aren’t engaging with any of the positive posts.

It gives the impression of being unwilling to let things drop, being determined to argue because you want to be heard but don’t really want to hear what anyone else says.

Which I’m sure is what he would say if he got the chance.

All of what you write could so easily have been avoided if you’d just let things drop, or not been ambiguous in the first place.

You are completely unwilling to recognise your part in it, and are focusing instead on his horrible reaction to your horrible behaviour and using that to keep it going.

It’s all on your terms. What you discuss. When you discuss it, when he’s allowed to talk and when he isn’t.

It sounds like a thoroughly miserable existence.

*OP, ok fine, you’re right, have it your way. I’m too tired to keep arguing. Think what you want, do what you want, I give in.

This. Exactly. Since you don't understand it I'll spell it out for you: it is an impression of how your husband thinks because you are being ridiculously difficult!*

I'm pretty sure my husband would not agree at all with that characterization, and be quite insulted. He's never said 'youre right' or 'i give in' in his life, nor does he noticibly tire of arguing (I generally stop first).

Wow why is everyone being so harsh
This man spits and swears. If he’s so fucking angry and frustrated why is he there? Why didn’t he implement the advice of the counsellor.

Fundamentally you’re completely mismatched in how you go about basic communication in life. If you can’t work that out then you’re pretty fucked.

Most people know how their partners tick to some degree. How he reacted to both situations was completely childish. In a kind of “fuck you you do what you want” kind of way. That’s not how adults communicate.

But. What are you going to do about it? You could just change your personality and become someone who second guesses everything they say. He perhaps thinks he’s doing the same- ergo - mismatched

Unless you go to therapy and sort out your total different ways you approach even a basic situation then there isn’t much hope.

No one person should be the one that just gives in. You have to work with each other’s different styles. But he has to work just as hard as you.
I get the impression that is not happening.

And everyone who’s been unkind on here, really?? It’s shit when you feel utterly ground down by someone and that you can’t do right from wrong

Or just tell him: "honey I don't want to find out the sex this time". Instead of using a question but then dictating that you want it your way.

I don't know how many times I've explained this now, but once more for clarity, I didn't say I didn't want to find out this time because that's not how I feel! I am undecided, I don't want to dictate anything (it be dictated to) I simply wanter to discuss things and decide together. As we did the first time (which is why I reminded him I hadn't just wanted to the first time, we'd needed to talk about it).

We managed to talk about it the first time round and come to a decision we were both happy with, without all the shouting and drama.

Shouts!! Not spits!!! Odd autocorrect fail!!

We managed to talk about it the first time round and come to a decision we were both happy with, without all the shouting and drama

He probably thought so too until you told him you didn’t want to know last time. You seem to expect him to be a mind reader and keep going on and on about the same points.

No his reactions weren’t ok, but neither was your badgering and PA refusal to talk to him the next day.

If you’ve decided the kids would be better off without him (debatable), and you were happier away from him then what exactly is the post o this post? Sympathy and agreement from us that you were in the right? Sorry but you would really stress me out.