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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being accused of gaslighting and abuse

241 replies

OmmiMama · 13/08/2018 11:57

Married 3 years, have 1.5 yr old and pregnant with much wanted number 2.

Just been away from DH with family for a lovely stress free week.

Came home and within an hour or two he was getting grumpy and stressed with me (because I asked him to get something out of the blue suitcase in the car, and then he asked where something else was and I said 'the blue bag' meaning the one right in front of him in the house, but he thought I also meant the blue suitcase in the car - so he got grumpy accusing me of 'not giving him enough information' etc).

Then when that blew over we were in the car talking about upcoming scans and I asked if we were going to find out the sex this time. He said of course we would, we did last time, and I reminded him that I hadn't initially wanted to last time. He said 'ok you decide this time' and I said I'd rather we discussed it and decided together (like last time). He then said that he had given me 'what I wanted' and why was I arguing. I said I wasn't arguing, just wanted us to discuss and choose together. He said he would never discuss it again. Kept repeating that he was 'agreeing with me' while declaring that he would not talk about it with me again. When I said he wasn't agreeing with me because that wasn't what I wanted he shouted and swore at me (with our baby in the back of the car :( ).

We then stopped talking and a few hours later he apologized for the shouting and swearing but said it was my fault for painting him into a corner. He said we could talk about whether to find out the gender if I wanted. I went to bed.

This morning he was acting like nothing had happened, I was talking to him as necessary for getting our baby up but when he tried to start another conversation I just said I really didn't feel like talking to him. He accused me of giving him the silent treatment. I said I was talking to him, just feeling pretty upset.

He repeated that he had been 'agreeing' with me and I had argued with him and what could he do. I said he hadn't been agreeing. He said I was 'gaslighting' him.

I then told him what I had been feeling, which was that I had been so much happier away from the arguing and stress. (I didn't tell him that I didn't miss him at all, but that's how I feel. Without him I was happy).

He said he had apologized but I was continuing the 'abuse' and 'gaslighting' him over what happened.

I just want out. I just want my baby and then one to come out of this place where they will hear shouting and swearing.

OP posts:
sacredgeometry · 13/08/2018 15:02

How have your previous relationships ended ?

Trinity66 · 13/08/2018 15:02

We went to counseling because conversations would frequently end with him shouting and swearing at me, like the one I outlined in my post. There's too many to list. It always seems to come back to some sort of misunderstanding, but normal people have misunderstandings without it leading to full shouting, don't they?

If you're having alot of misunderstandings maybe you two need to learn how to communicate better with eachother? I'm not condoning him shouting and swearing but tbf the conversation in the OP sounds really annoying

imnotreally · 13/08/2018 15:03

Some PP really don't understand what gaslighting is do they? Gaslighting is convincing the other person they're crazy, trying to alter their memories and perceptions of events etc. It's not trying to have a discussion fgs!

YeTalkShiteHen · 13/08/2018 15:05

Gaslighting is convincing the other person they're crazy, trying to alter their memories and perceptions of events etc.

I know fine what gaslighting is. OP has presented several different versions of events, some which don’t even bear any similarity to the original ones, all to make her seem innocent in it and get her partner to agree.

That’s the absolute definition of gaslighting, confusing and badgering until the other person can’t cope.

imnotreally · 13/08/2018 15:10

@YeTalkShiteHen so she's gaslighting all of MN now is she?!

Original poster
OmmiMama · 13/08/2018 15:14

Massive drip feed OP.

How is it a drip feed, I said in the op that the reason I wanted the baby out of this environment because when we are together its always leading to shouting and swearing.

OP posts:
catkind · 13/08/2018 15:16

Perplexed as to why OP is getting a hard time. I thought it was normal to actually discuss things with your partner. I would not be at all happy settling an issue that affects both of us on a "well you decide then" note. Sometimes I want to discuss things that are purely my decision anyway. Sometimes with family members and friends and colleagues not just my husband. Not once has any of them been so rude as to say "well I've decided, I'm not discussing it any more, you do whatever you like" let alone swear at me for wanting to discuss.

Discussion isn't just "I want X" "I want Y" "well you decide then". You talk about why you want X or Y, whether you feel strongly about it, what the pros and cons might be, any alternatives (with one of ours we found out but kept it secret).

If the DH had at least said something along the lines of "well I don't mind either way really - do you want to choose?" it would give OP more of a steer. Just a have your own way then response, the other person might be really unhappy with the proposed solution but agreeing to be nice. I wouldn't want to settle on that note.

OneForTheRoadThen · 13/08/2018 15:18

I don't understand why, if he has form for shouting and swearing at you, you have chosen to get pregnant again?

YeTalkShiteHen · 13/08/2018 15:19

imnotreally I think so, or trying to at least.

The fact she’s female means that of course some posters will defend anything she says, but I guarantee that if a poster had come on and described her male partner doing the things OP talks about, there would be consensus that it was abuse.

Some of us have lived through the exhausting, mind fucking experience of gaslighting and can see it for what it is.

Whateverletmepost · 13/08/2018 15:21

I agree this sounds like gaslighting from the op, and having lived through it as well, its awful. When the person you love most does this, it can fuck with you forever.

YeTalkShiteHen · 13/08/2018 15:23

I said in the op that the reason I wanted the baby out of this environment because when we are together its always leading to shouting and swearing

Nowhere in your OP do you say anything of the kind. You talk about the one instance in the car.

YeTalkShiteHen · 13/08/2018 15:24

Whateverletmepost Flowers

Original poster
OmmiMama · 13/08/2018 15:24

But to play the victim when you are the abuser is absolutely abhorrent.

You (and many other posters) are entitled to your opinions of me, but I am not PLAYING anything. This isn't a game or an intellectual exercise, this is my actual real life that I am extremely distressed about and came on here for help.

I also haven't called anyone a victim or an abuser, that is all other people's judgements. Nor have I lied about anything though I accept the criticism I haven't been clear, though I challenge anyone to be completely clear headed in these circumstances.

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 13/08/2018 15:24

Which bit do you think is gaslighting Whateverletmepost?

OneForTheRoadThen · 13/08/2018 15:25

I said in the op that the reason I wanted the baby out of this environment because when we are together its always leading to shouting and swearing

This is why I don't understand why you want to bring another baby into this environment.

ShumpaLumpa · 13/08/2018 15:27

My ex did try and gaslight me but I don't see evidence of gaslighting in OP's posts.

I think people need to point to the evidence where OP is the gaslighter or refrain from accusing her.

I fear that you are becoming like her counsellor who told OP that she should apologise to her husband when he is angry to appease him.

Oswin · 13/08/2018 15:29

Oh ffs. Op.is not an abuser.
She wanted to talk thats it.
He refused and had a tantrum.
By saying oh fine you decide, he was trying to paint Op as controlling.

Yertalk i think you are being needlesly aggressive and manipulating.
Op hasnt said she is going to take his kids.
Yet you have built up this narrative in your head that ops some evil woman. Its weird.

ThriceThriceThice · 13/08/2018 15:29

No OP - it's not alright for your DH to swear and shout at you over minor disagreements. But you know that.

Most DHs are kind and respectful to their DWs most of the time (we can all be a bit of an arse occasionally). When they haven't seen them for a week and they are pregnant (and possibly a bit emotional) you'd expect a heightened sense of care/kindness.

You have mentioned that you walk on egg-shells and that is no way to live or a good environment for your children to be brought up in. Have you talked to him about the future of the relationship? Do you want to stay? Does he?

YeTalkShiteHen · 13/08/2018 15:30

Fair enough, I shall leave the abuse apologists to it.

Where is the evidence of gaslighting?

Nipping away to cause an argument, getting said argument and then confusing her partner, not speaking to him, not accepting an apology, and pretending she hadn’t started an argument. Making it out to be all his fault and then refusing to talk to him but insisting he listens to what she wants to say.

Gaslighting.

Oswin · 13/08/2018 15:34

How the ever living fuck is she causing an arguement by wanting to talk about the scan.
When Op said she wanted to actually talk about it he behaved like a brat. Telling her she can decide and refused to talk.
Thats not ok.
Op wanted a conversation.

By shutting down the dh can paint the narrative that Op is controlling. Wont let him have an opinion etc.

Oswin · 13/08/2018 15:35

And the suitcase thing? Just confusion. A mistake.
So why the fuck is it ops fault?

Trinity66 · 13/08/2018 15:39

I fear that you are becoming like her counsellor who told OP that she should apologise to her husband when he is angry to appease him.

This is what confused me, I mean I'm no expert on counselling but it doesn't sound likely that a counselor would advise a victim of continuous verbal abuse to just put up with it and apologise everytime, does it? Maybe the counselor actually believed that she was infact causing the arguments

MoonlightMedicine · 13/08/2018 15:41

Wow there are some very harsh comments on this thread. I’m not sure why OP is getting a hard time!

auntyflonono · 13/08/2018 15:45

If it was gas lighting the OP would have deliberately said its in the blue suitcase, then when her husband couldn't find it she would have said no, I said the blue bag, whats wrong with you, don't you ever listen, are you stupid, I think we need to get you checked by the doctor, you're loosing it etc etc. But she didn't did she, she said its in the bag and he shouted at her when it wasn't in the suitcase.

Oswin · 13/08/2018 15:46

Trinity it is advised not to go to councilling with abusers because this is all too common. A ridiculous amount of abused women are told in councilling to comply.