Can I abstain until he gets the snip?

[extraketchup]

I've name changed but I'm a regular.

I can't tolerate hormonal contraception at all. I've tried:
Mirena - bled incessantly
Combined pill - aura migraines and I got pregnant on it.
Mini pill - incessant bleeding and severe headaches

Also tried natural cycles and yes it works but I can't relax. Condoms are a total killer.

Dh and I are 30 and 38 respectively with two kids. Definitely don't want anymore. It shouldn't just be up to me to provide the contraception and especially have to put up with awful side effects so I've asked him to get the snip. He won't. I'm so put off sex as I just cannot get pregnant. Aibu to say I'm not having it unless he does it? I know it sounds blackmailing but what else??

GP refused me a sterilisation.

I’ve had the copper coil and my periods were practically non-existent!

So the general view is that sex is necessary for a marriage? Wow

Well legally yes!

If a marriage is never consummated it can be annulled as if it never existed.

Their is an assumption that a marriage will involve the parties having sex.

You do have the right to refuse and if he is still having sex with you when you don’t want to he is a rapist.

The contraception issue really isn’t the main issue here- it’s the lack of sexual compatibility in the marriage.

DH probably knows the marriage is on the rocks and this is why he is reluctant to have a vasectomy. He is young enough to remarry and have a second family.

I don't think that married people should really be refusing sterilisation on the grounds that they might want children with someone else in the future - that's not really viewing your marriage as a forever deal.

But it doesn't sound like the OP is thinking long term. She said she would be quite happy to never have sex again. That's usually (not always) a sign of marriage that isn't happy.

And it's great having an idealistic view of marriage but sometimes you just have to be realist. Marriages break up.

Male pill?

She said she would be quite happy to never have sex again.

But she also is having sex. And is currently taking responsibility for contraception. Presumably because she's committed to her marriage/wants to make her husband happy.

Tbh, if someone I was married to said they were keeping their options open for a family with someone else, I'd think the marriage was already over.

DH and I are having this conversation. I want him to have a vasectomy - we have DS(3) and DD(16m) and we are both 39. He thinks he should have one but does not want to having read about all the possible health risks. Plus he would like us to have another baby. I think I am done with babies. I have taken lots of health risks being pregnant, giving birth and taking hormonal contraception. I think it is his turn to share some burden. It's an ongoing discussion We haven't fallen out yet.

The OP has the absolute right to try and avoid pregnancy without resorting to methods that make her ill.

The reluctance to use condoms is frankly daft.

I would simply put the ball back in his court: "I cannot use all these methods that have made me ill, so the responsibility to avoid me becoming pregnant is now yours." See what he comes up with. If nothing, then penetrative sex will have to go off the agenda until he does.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable but as another person said he can choose not to stay in a sexless relationship.

My DH has offered to get the snip for this very reason, I’m 33 and he’s 32. We definitely don’t want anymore children at the moment but I did say when I hit 35 I will absolutely not be changing my mind and I don’t want to be taking hormones, that age is cut off for me so he said he’ll do it then.

I did pose the question what if we broke up and he wanted children with someone else and he was unhappy I would even suggest it. So that’s our plan, once I hit 35 he’s going for the snip.

I feel for you OP. I am only late 20s and frankly tired of what has been almost a decade now of bleeding almost constantly due to the contraception I use. Thankfully DP is open to a vasectomy although the cost means it's not an immediate priority.

That said, can you not have sex without any PIV sex? This is the easiest solution, until he comes around. Cheaper and nicer than condoms. It's not that restrictive removing it from the repertoire.

Maybe the OP woudnt be "blackmailing" her DH if the NHS would accept that she knows her own mind and would like to be sterilized. If she was trans i bet she would get it.

There seems to always be the assumption that natal women dont know their own mind

Misogyny 101

It’s nothing to do with women not knowing their own minds, it’s to do with risk and money, as is everything else the NHS offers.

We don't want more children - I've ridden the contraception rollercoaster too long - I've had several gynae operations plus major abdo surgery - I've suffered with my mental health. He needs to step up!!

He needs to step up!!

He's only 30! And he might want more kids in the future. And you don't want to have sex anyway. Blackmailing someone into an op they don't want isn't on. YOU are sure you don't want more, so pay for yourself to get sterilised or get a second opinion to get it on the NHS.

You are sexually incompatible from the sounds of it.

By all means tell him you don't want sex with him anymore, because that's the truth of it, but telling him that you don't want sex with him until he has an op he doesn't want is bullying and deceptive.

Well the NHS is happy to take risks and spend money o n men who want to become women What if they change their minds?

Well the NHS is happy to take risks and spend money o n men who want to become women What if they change their minds?

That’s not what this thread is about. Why does trans have to have anything to do with it?

‘But trans’ isnt a reasonable debate regarding sterilisation.

If you're not that fussed about sex anyway but are going to continue to have it, I don't see why condoms would be a problem for you, OP. Your dh may not be keen on them, but they are surely a less permanent and more painless option than the snip? It seems to me that if he's not willing to have a vasectomy, it is perfectly reasonable to expect him to use condoms.

Ok extraketchup given your health problems I believe you probably could sterilized if you want, and on the NHS. Female sterilization is more involved and riskier than male sterilization, but with modern surgical techniques it is still pretty safe. My apologies in advance if you actually have exhausted all avenues, but it sounds like you haven't really looked into it very seriously.

Condoms
Or don't have PIV.
It's not blackmailing him not having PIV. It is not a requirement. There's many ways to enjoy sex.
Why is this not taken seriously?

I’m always surprised when I hear how difficult some women find it to get sterilised.Especially in cases like the OPs where there have been complications as it was aggressively pushed on me until I gave in

Not using contraception (and therefore not having sex) is not blackmail

DH has been and discussed vasectomy. GP said not on NHS. He made an appt at a private hospital and hasn't been totally put off and I think he will come round to the idea. His best friend had one two weeks ago and says it was dead easy and he hasn't had any problems which has reassured DH. I am not nagging him, he has to be happy with the idea. He keeps taking two steps towards it and one step back.

I will consider sterelisation if he doesn't come round to it. At the minute I do sometimes think about another baby. Our neighbour has a new baby and I held him when I took the card and gift round and I just wanted one. He was so tiny and snuffly and scrunchy faced.

Why did your GP refuse you a sterilisation? GPs cannot refuse to refer you to a consultant for sterilisation and you are not unreasonable to request one. So go back and ask again or find another GP. Female sterilisation is so much easier than it was in bygone years. If you were sterilised you'd be in charge.

In the meantime there are spermicidal pessaries. Old fashioned and messy but they seem to kill off the little swimmers.

I'm 31, I have 4 children (all conceived whilst using BC correctly!) I have had multiple miscarriages and one of my children is very sick and requires a lot of medical care, despite all this i have been told by numerous GPS and a gyne that I can't be sterilised, apparently over half of women who get sterilised end up having a coil fitted due to irregular bleeding anyway and I'm intolerant to progesterone.
I can't use any other BC and consoles have failed a couple of times.
So there deffo is a lot of Medical professionals standing in the way of female sterilisation.
For us it's no PIV until DH gets the snip, something he's been 'researching' for a long time now.

I had the same situation. 3DC, my own life threatening health problems starting right after DC 3. Sterilizing myself or another pregnancy would be life threatening. We used condoms properly for a year while DH thought about it & had an unplanned pregnancy. Condoms fail. After that, no PIV until the snip.