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Original poster

Can I abstain until he gets the snip?

301 replies

extraketchup · 12/08/2018 07:20

I've name changed but I'm a regular.

I can't tolerate hormonal contraception at all. I've tried:
Mirena - bled incessantly
Combined pill - aura migraines and I got pregnant on it.
Mini pill - incessant bleeding and severe headaches

Also tried natural cycles and yes it works but I can't relax. Condoms are a total killer.

Dh and I are 30 and 38 respectively with two kids. Definitely don't want anymore. It shouldn't just be up to me to provide the contraception and especially have to put up with awful side effects so I've asked him to get the snip. He won't. I'm so put off sex as I just cannot get pregnant. Aibu to say I'm not having it unless he does it? I know it sounds blackmailing but what else??

GP refused me a sterilisation.

OP posts:
HarmlessChap · 13/08/2018 11:26

IMO he shouldn't have a vasectomy, unless he is totally sure that he doesn't want any more children, not just any more children with you.

You have highlighted that you don't actually want to be having sex with him so there is a likelyihood you will stop sleeping with him within a few years, after all nobody should be having sex they don't want. We see here all the time that sexless marriages break down so be prepared for that but if it does and if he meets someone new who wants children with him he would have to play the lottery of whether a reversal will work or not. As time goes on the odds of a successful reversal decline.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 13/08/2018 11:33

Generally the poorest families have poverty of aspiration as well as financial poverty. They usually don't have the role models to encourage them

Plus, he is already 38 - so a lot of this is quite theoretical.

user1486956786 · 13/08/2018 11:38

Youve stated you don't enjoy sex - would you enjoy it more if he had the snip ?

Chartreuseveil · 13/08/2018 11:45

Avoid the copper coil. I had one put in as emergency contraception and it was horrendous, even after removal. The excessive loss made me ill and I ultimately had an endometrial ablation.

I think any form is sterilisation is a massive step and I can understand why your partner would refuse.

LeftRightCentre · 13/08/2018 12:12

Leftrightcentre no as per my op, I'm 30, he's 38.

Actually, when you use the term respectively as you have, 'DH and I are 30 and 38 respectively' that means he is 30 and you are 38. It's another way of saying 'in the order given', hence my confusion.

At any rate, with this relationship, you seem to have far greater problems than his not wanting to get the snip.

Supertiredmummy · 13/08/2018 15:00

My husband is like this...
we both don't want any more children and most hormonal contraception has been hell for me and I refused to get the copper coil because of how many people I know have had bad side experiences from it.
I'm too young for the doctor's to allow me sterilisation which is very annoying and my husband refuses the snip because he worries they'll affect his erections...
Totally in the same place but I think he'd rather wack off on his own if I refused sex then to get the snip :-(

Original poster
extraketchup · 13/08/2018 15:14

I'd be fine with that. Let him and his right hand go for it as much as he likes. I refuse to take even the slimmest chance of getting pregnant. As someone who's fallen pregnant on the pill despite perfect accuracy (can you tell I'm a control freak), I'm not taking the risk with condoms. Even with no splits there's still a risk of pregnancy. The GP refused to refer for sterilisation for me as I've had several vaginal operations and abdo surgeries as it is, my scar tissue is too extensive.

OP posts:
yikesanotherbooboo · 13/08/2018 15:15

I know it's not the point of the thread but copper coils are usually very successful and well liked. Like anything they don't suit everyone but for those looking for effective long acting contraception they are well worth a try.

Original poster
extraketchup · 13/08/2018 15:23

Thanks but I don't want heavier periods

OP posts:
romany4 · 13/08/2018 15:44

Supertiredmummy

A vasectomy will not affect your DHs erections at all.

My DH had the s nip in 1997. His chouce.
Never had a problem with our sex life since.

Thatsfuckingshit · 13/08/2018 17:23

A vasectomy will not affect your DHs erections at all.

A doctor won't guarantee that, what makes you sure that you can?

You sample size of 1, doesn't mean anything.

NameChange30 · 13/08/2018 17:25

Ah so you don’t want to use condoms either as you’re concerned about effectiveness.

How about using condoms on non fertile days and avoiding PIV on fertile days?

But avoiding PIV altogether would be fair enough if you cba with fertility tracking and don’t trust condoms.

Shoxfordian · 13/08/2018 17:28

Have you tried anal? Will solve all your pregnancy worries

swingofthings · 13/08/2018 17:31

Let him and his right hand go for it as much as he likes
Did you tell him that? If so, I can see why he is refusing the go for the snip just to please you.

HelenaDove · 13/08/2018 17:48

Shox you do know that women arent just a series of fuck holes right?

What about pleasurable sex for the OP.

Shoxfordian · 13/08/2018 17:53

Some women enjoy anal sex @helenadove
If none of the contraceptives are suitable and the husband doesn't want a vasectomy then its a practical option.

HelenaDove · 13/08/2018 17:57

But you didnt ask the OP if she enjoys it did you?

You just framed it as a "practical option" as if her body is just a tool for her DH.

And you do know that semen can actually dribble and run everywhere and sperm are determined little sods.

Why is PIV seen as so important. Why are women expected to take all the risks

Original poster
extraketchup · 13/08/2018 17:59

Shox each to their own but the thought alone of anal makes me shudder

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 13/08/2018 18:00

No I didn't. Op do you like anal? If not then its not an option. Obviously. It wasn't unreasonable to assume that she might though.

If the op doesn't want sex anymore because of the threat of pregnancy then she could do lots of other things other than piv sex, I agree that she should never feel obliged to have it.

NameChange30 · 13/08/2018 18:00

Some women enjoy anal but as a general rule it’s more pleasurable for men isn’t it

Seems weird to suggest anal as a magic solution when it’s just one of the many ways you can “have sex” without doing PIV

I think it’s probably sufficient to suggest non PIV sex without going into detail about the options!

Shoxfordian · 13/08/2018 18:00

That answers that then op Smile

Belindabauer · 13/08/2018 18:09

Ok
You don't have to have penetrative sex, in fact I would say you want him to give you an orgasm first by using his hands.
After that either use a condom or use hands.

OlennasWimple · 13/08/2018 18:14

If my DH (and father of my DC) didn't want the snip because he wasn't sure if he might want more children with someone else, he would quickly be my exDH

Supertiredmummy · 13/08/2018 18:22

Yeah I was told I could have kids andddd I was on the pill and got pregnant so I feel your fear!
I guess you need to ask your hubby why he can't. Your the one who has been pumping her body with hormones and shit for years why can't he do this one thing x

FuckPants · 13/08/2018 18:23

If my DH (and father of my DC) didn't want the snip because he wasn't sure if he might want more children with someone else, he would quickly be my exDH

But in the OP's situation it's worth thinking about as she doesn't enjoy sex which means that her marriage could end pretty sharpish.

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