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Original poster

Can I abstain until he gets the snip?

301 replies

extraketchup · 12/08/2018 07:20

I've name changed but I'm a regular.

I can't tolerate hormonal contraception at all. I've tried:
Mirena - bled incessantly
Combined pill - aura migraines and I got pregnant on it.
Mini pill - incessant bleeding and severe headaches

Also tried natural cycles and yes it works but I can't relax. Condoms are a total killer.

Dh and I are 30 and 38 respectively with two kids. Definitely don't want anymore. It shouldn't just be up to me to provide the contraception and especially have to put up with awful side effects so I've asked him to get the snip. He won't. I'm so put off sex as I just cannot get pregnant. Aibu to say I'm not having it unless he does it? I know it sounds blackmailing but what else??

GP refused me a sterilisation.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 12/08/2018 14:34

wombat1a sterilisation for a woman is far more complicated than for a man. It involves a general anaesthetic, short hospital stay and a couple of weeks recovery time. My ex FWB got his done in 20 minutes at the GP. Bit sore next day but that was it. He doesn't have any children. They aren't comparable. An ex of mine was adamant he didn't want more children, refused to wear a condom, refused to get the snip. His 3 year old son is happily playing upstairs and he refuses to have anything to do with him. He wanted me to be sterilised even though I didn't want to rule out more children in future but he did not want any more. He was very selfish.

Mangoo · 12/08/2018 14:41

No body is saying OP hasn't been through her 'fair share'.

She has absolutely every right to never take hormonal contraception again or to have sex again if she doesn't want to.

She has every right to suggest the snip to her partner or look into have a hysterectomy herself.

She doesn't have the right to make her DH feel manipulated into having the snip if he doesn't want to or make him feel guilty for being uncomfortable with it.

If he doesn't want to that's it. That's the end of it. They need to reach a decision that is mutually acceptable to both parties.

Whether it's more invasive for a woman to be sterilized or not, it's still a big decision for a man to make. One that he shouldn't feel backed into by anyone.

blueskiesandforests · 12/08/2018 14:59

4 operations plus a third degree tear are the woman's "fair share" balanced against zero for the man, you're saying Mango ?

Of course she can't force him, he should be falling over himself to offer to take his share of the risk and pain - which will never be a "fair" share when balanced against the risks, pain and side effects most women go through in the course of a marriage and a couple of births in terms of contraception, pregnancy and childbirth.

meditrina · 12/08/2018 15:02

I will never want to form part of the teamwork that says 'someone else's body, my choice'

meditrina · 12/08/2018 15:03

That's normal/typical adult bodies, of course. This isn't about children or those who lack mental capacity to consent.

TheStoic · 12/08/2018 15:06

I will never want to form part of the teamwork that says 'someone else's body, my choice'

Fortunately that won’t happen, unless they now do vasectomies at gunpoint.

scaevola · 12/08/2018 15:07

"which will never be a "fair" share when balanced against the risks, pain and side effects most women go through in the course of a marriage and a couple of births in terms of contraception, pregnancy and childbirth."

Well quite, they are such utterly separate things that talk of 'taking turns" is utterly wrong. There really can be no comparison. Men cannot share the toll of childbirth. That doesn't mean they should gave surgery they do not want to have.

bethy15 · 12/08/2018 15:07

If he doesn't want to that's it. That's the end of it.

I doubt the OP wanted her tear, her C section, her subsequent operations. But that's what's happened due to having his and her children.

He may not want it, no. But he could put himself on the line for what only he wants, as she has put herself on the line multiple times.

It's kind of the least he can do now, especially as he's the one making a fuss about condoms too.

obsessedpoas · 12/08/2018 15:13

Honestly babe my periods aren't even as bad as everyone makes out too be! I was quite heavy to begin with! Yes there's 1/2 days were you need to wear a night time pad all the time but it's really not that bad! Try it for 6 months! It's changed my life! I get all the same things as you on hormonal contraceptives and honestly this has changed my life xx

LemonysSnicket · 12/08/2018 15:27

@Believeitornot you can have a vasectomy reversed...

LeftRightCentre · 12/08/2018 15:28

In your case I would save up for a private sterilisation.

Aaaahfuck · 12/08/2018 15:39

swing of things yes I should have said NHS referral.

I've got no idea of op's financial situation and if they could do this. However it's a moot point as op's partner won't do it.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/08/2018 15:42

LemonysSnicket

you can have a vasectomy reversed...

Yet its still classed as a permanent.

LeftRightCentre · 12/08/2018 15:52

Vasectomy reversals do not always work, it's definitely not a guarantee, hence vasectomy should be considered permanent.

happypoobum · 12/08/2018 16:03

I think OP is getting a hard time from some posters.

In short - yes of course you can abstain from sex, and you do not have to be responsible for contraception any longer. Equally he can choose not to have a vasectomy.

Whether this decision will spell the end of your marriage, none of us can possibly know. It's something the two of you need to sit down and discuss calmly together.

swingofthings · 12/08/2018 16:03

OP wasn't forced to have children and suffer the consequences of it. OP doesn't have to have sex if she doesn't want to. OP could save and have a private sterilisation.

Her OH doesn't have to have a vasectomy. He doesn't have to stay in a sexless marriage if that is all what's on offer.

We have choices when it comes to our own bodies. We don't have to do anything we are not happy with just to make someone happy.

I really don't get why anyone think that man should do something irreversible with his body just to make his wife happy just like I couldn't imagine supporting a man who would expect his wife to have a boob job to make him happy.

Mangoo · 12/08/2018 16:09

Sorry I'd never expect my DH to 'step up' and have surgery to remove his fertility if he didnt want to.

How is it any different to the whole 'a woman's body, a woman's choice' argument with abortion. There is uproar if a man tries to tell a woman she should have an abortion she doesn't want.

The clue is in the fact he said he doesn't want to do it. It's his body. Just like OP doesn't have to take hormonal contraceptives anymore if she doesn't want.

Childbirth isn't a fair comparison. It's biologically impossible for a man to go through that. When I said 'fair share' I was talking about the responsibility of contraception.

Mangoo · 12/08/2018 16:10

And sorry no I'd never be 'falling over myself' to sterilize myself if I didn't want to for anyone.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 12/08/2018 16:23

I don't think that married people should really be refusing sterilisation on the grounds that they might want children with someone else in the future - that's not really viewing your marriage as a forever deal.
I know people can be widowed, but even then it seems daft to me, to not take the action needed in your existing marriage, on account of some hypothetical future relationship.
And tbh, if he couldn't afford a 3rd child with the OP, he can't afford one with someone else, so he might as well do what is best for this relationship and pull his weight.
If I'd been through what the OP has, I thibk I'd go off sex too. It's not a good experience if you are contantly worried about pregnancy.

swingofthings · 12/08/2018 16:23

There was a thread not long ago about a poster saying how sad she was that her DH had the snip without telling her as she wanted kids but he didn't. Everyone went on about how selfish he was. no such comment as him being selfless to go under the knife so she wouldnt need to think about contraception any longer and sparing her the risks of a pregnancy.

I think most threads go: man not doing what woman want = man being in the wrong!

swingofthings · 12/08/2018 16:25

I don't think that married people should really be refusing sterilisation on the grounds that they might want children with someone else in the future - that's not really viewing your marriage as a forever deal
Might have been true many years ago not so much now when more than 1 in 3 marriage end up in divorce that especially when there seem to be tensions and resentment in the marriage any way.

bourbonbiccy · 12/08/2018 16:31

@LemonysSnicket my brother in law paid to have his reversed and it didn't work, so it can be permanent and I definitely don't think you should be getting it done with the idea of getting reversed.

This site would be exploding if one of them horrible men things told a woman to get herself sterilised ....double standards.

fluffypudcats · 12/08/2018 16:34

Irrespective of the sterilisation debate (and I believe both need to take responsibility), I second what @cheaperthebetter said above - the depo injection. I've been on it for 13 years. In that time, no periods, no bloating, no weight gain (other than middle aged spread!) and NO pmt or pmd. I understand it may not be your thing, as it has hormones in but I couldn't get on with any pill and for me, the depo has been amazing. You mentioned pmd above. It's worth considering for that reason alone.

LannieDuck · 12/08/2018 16:47

What solution does your DH suggest?

namechange1112w · 12/08/2018 16:55

Yes of course it's fine for you to have sex.
If you are still feeling sexual but don't want the risk then just do non piv sex acts. No reason to risk pregnancy to enjoy orgasms.
He should be willing to wear a condom 100% if he wants to have piv.
I can understand reservations on sterilisation but he should take responsibility and wear a condom if he refuses.

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