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Original poster

Can I abstain until he gets the snip?

301 replies

extraketchup · 12/08/2018 07:20

I've name changed but I'm a regular.

I can't tolerate hormonal contraception at all. I've tried:
Mirena - bled incessantly
Combined pill - aura migraines and I got pregnant on it.
Mini pill - incessant bleeding and severe headaches

Also tried natural cycles and yes it works but I can't relax. Condoms are a total killer.

Dh and I are 30 and 38 respectively with two kids. Definitely don't want anymore. It shouldn't just be up to me to provide the contraception and especially have to put up with awful side effects so I've asked him to get the snip. He won't. I'm so put off sex as I just cannot get pregnant. Aibu to say I'm not having it unless he does it? I know it sounds blackmailing but what else??

GP refused me a sterilisation.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 13/08/2018 02:38

“I continue to be baffled at how the fact that some men suffer pain after vasectomy is considered more risky than an unwanted pregnancy, in physical terms.”

It’s ridiculous and it’s unfair, but it’s not particularly baffling. It’s just plain old patriarchy.

These debates are always so depressing. It’s not blackmail or manipulation to refuse to have unprotected penetrative sex. It’s a perfectly sensible thing to do if the couple can’t agree on contraception and don’t want a child.

Some people are so fixated on the idea that a. “Sex” = PIV and b. Men need and deserve PIV on demand Sad Angry

As a PP said, you can still have sex without PIV. It seems a perfectly acceptable way forward IMO. And if he wants PIV he can use condoms.

Fair enough if he doesn’t want a vasectomy but fair enough if the OP doesn’t want to use female contraception or risk pregnancy by having PIV sex.

Original poster
extraketchup · 13/08/2018 07:01

Leftrightcentre no as per my op, I'm 30, he's 38.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 13/08/2018 08:06

Op what is his suggestion? That's been asked a few times but can't see a reply.

0hCrepe · 13/08/2018 08:43

My dh refuses the snip too but there’s no way I’d withhold sex because I like it too much but also because it’s not a fair thing to do.
It does piss me off after 4 pregnancies, miscarriage, tears, retained placenta etc etc. But I can’t force him.
I also think it’s more driven by your lack of interest. It’s not going to help your relationship at all if you begin this stand off.

I’ve previously talked to gp about contraception and she said I could be sterilised so I think I’m going to go for that so I’m not worried about getting pg. I would recommend that rather than driving this wedge between you.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 13/08/2018 08:55

These debates are always so depressing. It’s not blackmail or manipulation to refuse to have unprotected penetrative sex. It’s a perfectly sensible thing to do if the couple can’t agree on contraception and don’t want a child

Absolutely Emma. A great post.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/08/2018 09:39

It’s not blackmail or manipulation to refuse to have unprotected penetrative sex. It’s a perfectly sensible thing to do if the couple can’t agree on contraception and don’t want a child

There is a difference between that and saying

'We are not having sex until you get the snip'

YetAnotherSpartacus · 13/08/2018 09:45

'We are not having sex until you get the snip

How about "Given what I have been through in birthing our babies, the fact that I have borne the burden of contraception for the last x years, despite the effects on me and my body, which have been debilitating, and that I do not want another pregnancy, whether or not this results in a live-birth, I need to inform you that unless you can come up with another solution that I will simply not have sex with you. The risks to me are too great. The fear of pregnancy and the burdens I bear are too great. I have no libido partly because of the above. Over to you, mate."

Mangoo · 13/08/2018 09:51

@YetAnotherSpartacus absolutely fine to say that and reasonable too.

I do also think it's okay for OPs DH to not want a vasectomy too though and it doesn't make him a terrible person for saying 'sorry no, I don't want to do that'.

If he doesn't want to get the snip but doesn't engage in discussing other solutions either though then yes that's totally unfair.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/08/2018 09:53

YetAnotherSpartacus

Instead of all of the 'I had babies for you and look what it did to me'
ignoring that the choice to have babies was a joint one, (or not in the case of my body my choice but that is a different thread)

we can reduce your paragraph to

"I don't want to pump my body full of hormones any more, We need to find a different way of contraception."

In the OP's case it even simpler

"I don't want sex"

Original poster
extraketchup · 13/08/2018 09:54

His suggestion is to pull out. No way, mate.

OP posts:
Mangoo · 13/08/2018 09:56

Do you not think he'd go for non PIV sex OP?

If you're not really fussed about sex anyway I'd say that was the best solution.

Personally I find that side of it much more satisfying anyway!

YetAnotherSpartacus · 13/08/2018 09:59

No Boney, her case is much more nuanced than that. In any case, men are not entitled to sex.

Extraketchup - yeah right. I've heard that one before. In fact, I have a nasty feeling I might not be here without that one ... He gets the fun, you get the risk and burdens (again).

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/08/2018 09:59

extraketchup

His suggestion is to pull out. No way, mate.

Your answer to this is far to tame.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/08/2018 10:01

YetAnotherSpartacus
No Boney, her case is much more nuanced than that.

Yet the issue is the same.

In any case, men are not entitled to sex.

Never said that they were. But then no-one has the right to makes demands on another person's body.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 13/08/2018 10:02

Even my teenagers know better than that! No wonder you have gone off sex - he's not coming across as someone that a responsible woman would find attractive!

YetAnotherSpartacus · 13/08/2018 10:14

Never said that they were. But then no-one has the right to makes demands on another person's body

Including that they spread their legs for insertion of penis.

PerverseConverse · 13/08/2018 10:15

I think I'd be reevaluating my relationship in light of his suggestion. What an irresponsible twat. I agree he can't be forced to have the snip but this whole situation is horrible. It's perfectly understandable why you can't risk another pregnancy. He is failing to see that so is minimising and dismissing your experiences. I couldn't be with someone so selfish and irresponsible.

Scott72 · 13/08/2018 10:25

His suggestion is to pull out. No way, mate.

This method isn't quite as terrible as it sounds. But it can only reduce the chance of pregnancy, not eliminate it. And nowadays we have better methods, like condoms. Although condoms need to be used correctly or their success rate drops down to about the level of coitus interruptus.

You'd have to make sure he could be trusted to use condoms correctly though. I've been trying to sympathize with him, but geez after flippantly suggesting withdrawal methods given OPs valid concerns about pregnancy, he sounds like a bit of a tosser.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 13/08/2018 10:27

he sounds like a bit of a tosser

I think there's a suggestion in that statement somewhere :)

cholka · 13/08/2018 10:29

So, you're having sex that you don't want to have with a man you don't feel much for, in a bid to ensure you can keep paying school fees for your DC.
You must be living with gritted teeth. DC will pick up on it subconsciously. How would you feel if your mother lived as you are, for the sake of sending you to a fancy school?
If I were you I'd get counselling to work out if your relationship has any basis other than as a financial gazebo to shelter you until the kids are out of school. I'd be suspicious OH is thinking the same thing and wants to keep his fertility in case of future relationships.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but the contraception thing is the tip of the iceberg.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 13/08/2018 10:40

So, you're having sex that you don't want to have with a man you don't feel much for, in a bid to ensure you can keep paying school fees for your DC

I didn't see anywhere where the OP said this. She did say that another pregnancy would be financially a disaster (partly because of school fees) - but also that there were other reasons for her not wanting another child. She did not say anything about having sex to 'keep a man'.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/08/2018 10:45

YetAnotherSpartacus

Including that they spread their legs for insertion of penis.

Yes, I am fairly certain that that was covered in my post.

Original poster
extraketchup · 13/08/2018 10:57

Cholka just how have you added 2+2 and got 9??

OP posts:
Charley50 · 13/08/2018 10:57

Sounds like you need to see another GP and get sterilised, as others have said.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 13/08/2018 11:03

Sounds like you need to see another GP and get sterilised, as others have said

If the OP wants to. Expecting the DH to come up with a solution that does not involve her taking the risks of even more surgery is also an option.

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