SAH parenting as a way to shove work

[BloodyDisgrace]

In no way I want to offend anyone, this is just one of those questions one has but is afraid to ask.

Has anyone had the MAIN motivation for having another child to prolong time off work, or to pack it in for good? Or SAHP is just what works in your circumstances and you didn't hate working at all?

What is paid work for you: something essential and developing, or a pain you endure for financial reasons?

If you're a SAHP - what's your partner's take on it? Does he resent it? Does it imbalance the relationship or not? Does he make you feel you're financially dependant? Ever had negative comments from anyone (friends, family members) about not working?

Thank you.

I always find on these threads the answers are interesting and always skewed to positivity.

For example on here it's a case of "I'm valued and it works for my family" on another thread running it's all "my husband is very generous and buys me things as I don't work" indicating there is no concept of family money or financial equality.

On other threads where thr marriage has broken down women pile in to say how fucked they were. Unable to get a job afterso many years out, struggling with child care and a previously fabulous husband who valued their role, no longer playing nice. Or children grown and they are in rented housing on benefits trying to find a basic min wage job.

On other threads again where women ask if they should give up, the responses are filled with women who have paid handsomely for doing so. Death, divorce, ill health.

So much depends on the question asked and who chooses to respond. Very seldom do you see on a thread like this "I had to give up, we couldn't afford childcare from my salary alone, and now I'm fucked as it's terribly dull, and I've no real access to money, we are skint, the kids are plonked in front of the tv, I'm cleaning or doing laundry, I've put on five stone through boredom and me and my husband never have sex anymore, I've lost most of my friends and can't even afford to go out even if I had kept them". It's always "I'm very valued and we spend our days making memories, baking cookies and going on woodland adventures".

So although clearly it's thr right choice for some, I think if there's one thing this forum has taught us is that for very very many women, what appeared to be thr right choice at the time, worked out to be thr worst one they could have made.

InDubiousBattle - what an arsehole that friend of your Dad is!

mrsberrythethird - yeah right, other people know best what's good your for child? Idiots.

Other thing: say, if you are a professional, paid cleaner/cook/carer/childminder - everyone is ok with that and see it as a proper job; start doing it in your own home - and somehow it's different! wtf.

Bluntness100
So much depends on the question asked and who chooses to respond

Yes, it's self-selective, I know. Years ago, maybe even 70s, some journalist asked "Do you regret having kids?" and 70% of those who replied said Yes. The point there was the the most aggrieved people jumped to respond, especially in the years when no one really talked about parenting/motherhood honestly. Recent similar question here produced more balanced replies, kinda 50-50 or similar.

Bluntness100
for very very many women, what appeared to be thr right choice at the time, worked out to be thr worst one they could have made

Sadly, it's one of those "only time will tell" ... Another poster here said the husbands who were not dicks at the beginning turned into one later on. Rings a loud bell for me.

BitchQueen90
I'd rather have less money than a career with very long hours that stresses me out

That's how I lived, sticking to a low-paid job with no stress, and how I justified to my 1st husband not looking for other jobs. (it turned rather stressful when it was average London salary though)

BlaaBlaaBlaa

please press on with your research and interviews. I'm sure it will be most valuable and enlightening work. I only know a few books about 50s housewives and it's time someone rights something more contemporary.

Hopefully, this thread gives some ideas. Personally (and not wanting to sound doomcasting) I'd be interested at breakdown of marriages figures, comparing the divorces in "both working" vs. "parent at home" couples. Social class element in SAHP is also interesting.

writes

We were together for about 7 years and married for 2 years before we tried for a baby. It was a joint decision that I would be a SAHM. I switched career paths several times and never felt purpose with any. I also earned peanuts compared to my husband who is in a very stable, high-paying, career that he loves. All of our accounts have been joint since we married and we’ve always treated his income as ours. He’s never expressed any resentment for my lack of income and feels like he has easier than his counterparts with working wives. Little things like school runs and all the extra errands he’d have to do after work that I take care of during the day. I feel very fulfilled with my role. I do get a little bored from time to time but I’ll take that boredom over the stress of juggling a career and kids. I knew I wasn’t cut out for that.

With all that said we financially planned for this set up...large savings 350k at the time now over 1 mill, debt free, budget sorted, living way below our means, college funds set up, insurance policies in place, and many other things.

I would advise any family with low savings, debt, living paycheck to paycheck, unstable careers or relationship, to continue working! The financial health of your family is very important. I agree it is very naive to think you’ll have any career waiting to jump back into. I’m fully prepared that if things go downhill that reentering the work force won’t be easy and that’s why the savings was so critical in our decision making. I hope you don’t consider me crass for disclosing amounts but we wouldn’t have considered this set up with anything less. Sorry...wrote a novel!

BasicSAHM
I hope you don’t consider me crass for disclosing amounts but we wouldn’t have considered this set up with anything less

not at all, glad it worked out for you. Well no, YOU both worked at it :)

I think the whole career waiting for you depends on the career. I'm a teacher and am going on maternity leave with my second in November. I went back to work after my first and hated leaving my son. As a teacher I work long hours and nearly always bring work home with me. The breaking point was trying to write 30 reports whilst hugging my DS who had an ear infection. It was impossible. I felt guilty that I wasn't putting my all into teaching or being a mum. I am taking a three year career break when my second is born. I know my career will be there when I go back. It's the nature of teaching. I will be 33 and ready to pursue management. I'm a good teacher with a masters. I think I will be able to do this. Many of my colleagues started their career in their 30s. Two of them are now deputy head teachers. My DH is very supportive, in an excellent career. He likes the idea of one of us being at home while the children are small. Our money is ours. We have a joint account and are equal.

"I had to give up, we couldn't afford childcare from my salary alone, and now I'm fucked as it's terribly dull, and I've no real access to money, we are skint, the kids are plonked in front of the tv, I'm cleaning or doing laundry, I've put on five stone through boredom and me and my husband never have sex anymore, I've lost most of my friends and can't even afford to go out even if I had kept them". It's always "I'm very valued and we spend our days making memories, baking cookies and going on woodland adventures".

Nah that pretty much is the gist of it. I love the kids, need the flexibility for DD2's appointments - but unless you've got a lovely network of friends to have coffee with or whatever... it's bloody lonely and boring once they're hitting nursery/school age. I've spent a lot of time volunteering in school this year in particular - done mainly to fill in the days and because I enjoy it, but it's reskilled me enough to be able to go back onto supply.

Think if you've got buddies you can roll around to someone's house for coffee, then arrange for a cuppa before the school run to do that together or whatever it's a different story but if you were introverted to start with - it can be a pretty dull existence. Needs must though and it was the best solution to the circumstances we're in at the moment so I just view the daytime house stuff as my job and chug through it to get to the evenings. No other real solution with the erratic nature of how I was working and no flexible childcare/obliging grandparents local to us.

Life is what it is.

@bloody thank you. You are right - social class is very interesting! My specialist area is social class and career decision making so I'm definitely interested in that angle!

I'd rather have less money than a career with very long hours that stresses me out

This is an interesting statement, I'm sure the poster knows it's not you either stay home and don't work or you work very long hours and are stressed. There is plenty of midground between the two.

The thing is kids are only little for a very short period. Lack of money can be one of the most demoralising and stressful things there is. Kids are expensive, and as they get older they need different things from us, for example we are currently supporting our daughter financially as she starts her lpc (legal practice to be a solicitor). Although she could arguably have done it with out us, the reality is it would have been very difficult. We also supported her through uni.

In addition she's had many many advantages that came from me working. Were these negated by the fact she had child care during pre school years or during school holidays. As a four year old she'd probably have said she'd rather have stayed home with me, although she was happy in her day care environment, as a 21 year old her response is god no. That's not about being materialistic, but being able to recognise the advantages you have for what they are, and be grateful for them and being able to make a decision on whether the price paid was worth it.

Ultimately only our kids can make that decision in hindsight as adults . Not us. We can only do what we think is best, for both thr short, mid and long term.

Fluffybat
I felt guilty that I wasn't putting my all into teaching or being a mum

I think it's down to that myth of "having it all", ideal vs. reality. And the reality is individual levels of energy/amount of support from the partner/maybe health issues. It's important to understand one's limitations and not be ashamed of them, not trying to measure up to someone else. (I, for one, even if wanted to have kids, thought "it's either motherhood or work, not fucking both". In the end I couldn't even hack work ... Do I feel like a failure, a week one? No. There's too much pain in any life to add some of your own beating yourself up)

Bluntness100

Midground works for a lot of people, but I imagine they still have good energy levels to be able to do, say, part-time job and then come home to children and housework, however much shared between the parents. But this option sounds quite exhausting to me personally, basically, it's having 2 jobs. I admire people who can do it, but won't be able to do it myself.

And you are right: kids are expensive. Someone calculated around 150K in a lifetime.

@bourbonbiccy
My relationship fell apart with my partner and father of 2 young children, which forced us to sell our house and I was essentially homeless

You do not always know what is around the corner - you can try to prepare for it and I am well aware there is the option to save money so you can stay at home, but for those who haven’t done that and need to earn money for a roof over their heads you can find yourself in an absolute nightmare if your relationships goes south and you own nothing, have no savings and very limited earning potential.

PookieDo
forgive my naivety, but doesn't the court rule in favour of mother staying in the family home, and dad paying maintenance (which can go towards paying mortgage)? Or you didn't use the court?
if that's all too painful to say then don't.

Bluntness it's so interesting that you read think these type of threads reflect positivity about SAH. I tend to think mn is overwhelmingly hostile towards SAHPs in general and there is rarely any negatives of working discussed. I think all threads are self selective, you do seldom have a poster come on and say it's dull, kids in front of TV, put on 5 stone, husband hates me etc but equally you seldom hear 'my dc are fine in childcare but they don't love it and do cry about going but they've got used to it which is a good job because neither of us want to cut our hours at all because we'd rather be at work than with them all day'. I think if a woman came on to say she took 6 years out, really loved it, re trained in an area she really enjoyed and got a job, relationship all fine, everything hunky dory ....she would be called smug within 3 posts!

Unmarried!
Ideally everyone would settle down age 32 with a mortgage, savings etc and be protected by marriage but often things do not work like that. I started off hating working and wanting to be a SAHM but had no choice and now I look back and I am pleased I chose this path to battle it out and keep working

I do have a friend with a uni degree who cannot even get a job in a shop she’s been out of work so long - they want to see recent work experiences

To a PP who said it was fine staying at home because you built up 2 businesses at home... that is still working! And if you have the capital or the know how that is good but not like that for every woman

@InDubious, agree with everything you said in that last post.

I do have a friend with a uni degree who cannot even get a job in a shop she’s been out of work so long - they want to see recent work experiences

Do you live in an area with particularly high unemployment. Shop I was looking for an evening shift in loved people who were coming back to work after children because spending all day with kids is a good lesson in patience for spending all day with idiot customers.

Ok to be realistic about working with kids

I’m usually late collecting them and they hate it
I’ve missed out on some stuff in their lives
They don’t always understand why you need to leave them

BUT
I see them a lot more than their father does once a week so I don’t feel too guilty about it - you can’t. It’s half a choice really, you appreciate days off and weekends so much more when you work. I’m not lonely (I was when kids were little). You need a good social circle and money to enjoy days out and do interesting things (not everything is free).

No employment is good, but shift work is difficult around her DH who also does shifts.

I don't really ever see any negativity about being a SAHM on MN apart from one or two posters that I've noticed who seem to have issues with anyone who doesn't work FT.

What I do see is the concern for the SAHM in case of a relationship breakdown as often on here you see women posting who can't leave unhappy relationships because they can't afford to. I think that's where a lot of it comes from.

I think if a woman came on to say she took 6 years out, really loved it, re trained in an area she really enjoyed and got a job, relationship all fine, everything hunky dory ....she would be called smug within 3 posts!

that's a shame. The only decent response would be or "Superb you're a hero!" yeah, honestly. we all should be kinder to each other.