SAH parenting as a way to shove work

[BloodyDisgrace]

In no way I want to offend anyone, this is just one of those questions one has but is afraid to ask.

Has anyone had the MAIN motivation for having another child to prolong time off work, or to pack it in for good? Or SAHP is just what works in your circumstances and you didn't hate working at all?

What is paid work for you: something essential and developing, or a pain you endure for financial reasons?

If you're a SAHP - what's your partner's take on it? Does he resent it? Does it imbalance the relationship or not? Does he make you feel you're financially dependant? Ever had negative comments from anyone (friends, family members) about not working?

Thank you.

@mrspock I think what we've established here is that we do what's right for our family and personal circumstances.
At the moment our set up works perfectly for our family. However, if something changes then we'll review it and again, choose the best option.

I'd love to go back to work but I can't at the moment. But then if I was at work I'd probably rather be home with the kids. I definitely didn't have kids to postpone going back to work because, for me, working is easier (mostly mentally) than being a SAHM

I think what we've established here is that we do what's right for our family and personal circumstances.
At the moment our set up works perfectly for our family. However, if something changes then we'll review it and again, choose the best option.

I completely agree with that. Each family is different.

@mrspock it's around career decision making but looking specifically at the decision to change working patterns as a result of having children. SAHP are just one aspect.

Well I can say without reservation that both my kids - male and female view education as extremely important despite me being a SAHM...I'm sure there are quite a few kids whose parents work that don't value education either, who are you blaming for that? - whatever fits the argument.

Ah so focusing on PT and other options too? Bet that is quite interesting.

@BlaaBlaaBlaa that sounds good, it would be interesting to see if geographically there were trends to the results and also I would image age would play a factor .....or my "imagining" could be completely wrong lol.
I only mentioned that as you here such nonsense on here from man haters who claim to be feminists and push to go against the gender roles , when it's perfectly fine for a woman to be a SAHM, so long as you teach it's also ok for a man to be a SAHD

My motivation was to take care of my child. I felt heartbroken to leave him in childcare, spending time together was treasured.

I know a lot of people. Everyone was positive except for two women who were high flyers.

DH was supportive. Saw me as an equal. Cash shared. Valuedmy role

@natalia I'm sure you can. I've not Interviewed those people though. I can only comment on my own research.

@birdinthetree it doesn't have to be a choice between being wrapped up in your career and being a SAHP. That assumption really annoys me as someone who has no choice but to work as I don't have a partner to rely on. I do my job to pay my bills, it certainly does not have any impact on the relationship I have with my DS. When I get home from work that's it, I'm done. I deliberately chose a junior position that does not interfere with family life.

Geographically I'm in the NW, with some schools in poor areas. One of my children was given a school in the bottom 10% of the country.

There are lots of sahms who have no choice, it isn't just coercion, although that does exist, it's also being trapped not being able to afford childcare, and poor education to gain a career with better prospects.
I would say it was more of an expectancy round here, but as stated, I've heard women say that their partners thought it better they didn't work or forbade them too.

@bourbon totally understand! I get infuriated with the misuse of research on here sometimes!!
Looking geographically would definitely be interesting.

Age is a very interesting factor.....the reasons behind being a SAHP differ significantly with age. Not across the board but enough to be classed as significant.

@romany I'm in the NW too. I was a careers adviser in a very deprived area and came across all the situations you described

I'm in the NW also and could only imagine some of the situations you guys have seen In the roles you have previously undertaken,
I was genuinely shocked at the the poor schools ratings and scores in this area, I'm trying to find a decent school for my DS ( 2yrs away yet) it's looking like the private route may have to be the choice as. I simply can not find one I have any confidence in..but that's another thread for another board on another day.

How does age affect SAHP rates? Interested because I’m considerably younger than most parents I know, SAH or otherwise.

@BlaaBlaaBlaa that could be another study. How many parents sent their children to private school due to failing local schools and how did it impact their quality of life, any sacrifices made.

I’ve never been a SAHM and having small kids and a single mother harmed and limited my career massively

I have friends who have become virtually unemployable after 10 years of no job

It isn’t a judgment but my own perspective I don’t want to be tied to any man or be on benefits. SAW my mum in a mess and it’s not for me

BitchQueen90 You have chosen a junior role to put our kids first, my mum chose her work over us - all her good humour and smiles were kept for her work - everyone thought she was amazing at work, I'm sure she was but she was shit at being a mum, and her mum was the same - very ambitious but had no time for her kids. As a parent - single or otherwise you do what you have to for your kids - it felt like my mum did what she did for her, not us - she probably thinks she hid it well but we all felt it - I do not want my kids to grow up feeling the way I felt.

I think your reasons for being a SAHM can be so different, the amount of people where you see generations of SAHM just because they can claim whatever in benefits, so pump out loads of kids and never expect nor have done, a days work in their lives and sit watching TV all day.
But as previously said i think families are simply the most fascinating and what works for one wouldn't work for another.
But I definitely didn't choose it as a way of getting out of going to work, sometimes I think back to being back in the office, with the stress and the long hours that come with finance, but it's still a mile easier than bring SAHM IME and I have an easy going child. Whatever you do as your role is perfectly fine, so long as YOU choose to do it and your happy

Benefits are pretty contingent on working or at least looking for work unless your kids are under 2. Not many SAHM families are eligible for anything but CB (unless they or their child has a disability).

Sorry @PookieDo but in my experience you don't have to be either of them things if you are a SAHM, if you have your house in order before you have kids

Sorry I must be mistaken @DieAntword the people I talk of must be surviving on more or different benefits, apologies I don't actually know the rules, just what I personally have seen.

Firstly - "shove work" - I work harder, longer, far more minute to minute challenging work as a sahp than I ever did as a paid employee! - how very dare you
Secondly, I work as an unpaid sahp because a) my other half and I felt that it was in our children's best interests to have a sahp until school reception age where we felt that they would then cope better with both of us working.
b) financially it's hard BUT with childcare fees, transport fees and incidental associated with both of us working, we'd be working at a loss AND the children would loose out on parental time / be in childcare.
We know this to be true for our individual family and children because I went back to work when youngest was a year old (I loved being back at work) but our family suffered being quality time poor and financially it was also detrimental.
"Shove work" rude title - goady much?

Sorry I must be mistaken @DieAntword the people I talk of must be surviving on more or different benefits, apologies I don't actually know the rules, just what I personally have seen.

Well disabilities including invisible ones are a real possibility in some cases.

I guess also you could be looking for work but make sure you don’t actually find any but generally speaking they crack down on that a lot more (back when I was on JSA for NI contributions although my husband earned too much for me to actually get any money they wanted to “sanction” me - lol nothing to take mate - for going to an interview not smartly enough dressed, I thought I dressed fine but the employer didn’t and reported me to the job centre.).

I was out of work for 7 months before getting pregnant due to being ill and then we conceived 3 weeks after I had surgery.
The pregnancy was horrific so I didn't return to work.

I love being a SAHP but I miss working and would never keep popping out children to avoid it.
My husband thankfully earns enough so that if it came down to it, I wouldn't need to work but I absolutely hate being financially dependent on him. It makes me feel pretty pathetic.

He doesn't resent me at all but I know it bothers him that he's working and sometimes I'll go out for coffees with other mums. He sees that as me out having fun all day when really I'm trying to socialise my child whilst also having some adult time.

We're planning another very soon so that we can get the whole 'baby' stage out the way and then I can pursue a proper career.