SAH parenting as a way to shove work

[BloodyDisgrace]

In no way I want to offend anyone, this is just one of those questions one has but is afraid to ask.

Has anyone had the MAIN motivation for having another child to prolong time off work, or to pack it in for good? Or SAHP is just what works in your circumstances and you didn't hate working at all?

What is paid work for you: something essential and developing, or a pain you endure for financial reasons?

If you're a SAHP - what's your partner's take on it? Does he resent it? Does it imbalance the relationship or not? Does he make you feel you're financially dependant? Ever had negative comments from anyone (friends, family members) about not working?

Thank you.

Yes that's fair, a lot of people do repeat abuse patterns, or grow up and do what their parents did but they hated as kids. I can't begin to understand the phsycology behind that. The only thing is our parents have a huge impact on who we are as adults.

a bit aside from the original thought of paid work.

Pressures on modern women are widely acknowledged these days, which wasn't the case of our mums' generation. We make more informed choices about whether to be a parent or not, or when and with whom. These all are the positives which move us all closer to what I call bringing up children with a potential for happiness.

I also think successful parenting is to do with knowing your own levels of energy and what you can and cannot do, and having an accommodating environment in your relationship. Being physical with your kids - kissing, hugging them etc. - according to one book I read (Kate Figes "Our cheating hearts", it;s about infidelity, but she had this brilliant thought) leads to children growing into adults with ... better sex lives, and that's especially important for daughters, given all this "orgasm gap", and that's regardless of whether you do it as a energetic working mum, or the one who stays at home.

I honestly think if you are going to be a bad parent you will be a bad parent whether you have a job or not

And you will be a good parent whether you work or stay at home

Because parenting is about so much more. Both sides have the potential to go horribly badly or very well or most likely - somewhere in the middle.

... and I understand that the choice is often down to financial reasons, mainly childcare in UK being so expensive and unsatisfactory in some areas, that this is the main factor in carrying on working or being at home.

God I really don't like to think of my daughters sex life, but she was brought up with open affection. Again possibly because I wasn't.

I'm more tactile than my husband, so for example a couple of weeks ago when she was home, she was sitting on the floor playing play station and I wrestled her down, body surfed her and gave her cuddles and kisses. That was common for her growing up, affection shown in a fun way, as welll as the comforting ones.

My husband would never do that, but she always cuddles up to him on the sofa watching tv, and asks for shoulder or foot massages, and he happily obliges, where as I do ten seconds then tell her to bugger off as I'm bored.

I think you either openly show affection or you don't. And that's more about you as a person than whether you work or not. I really think it's a shame if kids grow up without outward displays of affection and could easily believe it impacts them as adults.

I also suspect being an only child impacts as well, youre the one and only, the apple of your parents eyes and the object of all their affections. There is no sibling to compete with. For example our daughter although she went to daycare, she never once had a baby sitter growing up, not once. Either she came with us or we didn't go.

I'm not really sure it was ever a conscious decision never to go out without her, but we simply never wanted to, so we never did. No date nights, no parties, either we went as a three or not at all.

I have teens who ask for my fashion advice, friendship advice, discuss academic worries with me, are not embarrassed to be seen with me - in short they are well balanced, hard working, affectionate, independent young teens and all this while having a SAHM. I am a lot less over involved that the mums who work - judging by the questions they ask on our School Facebook group, the fussing gets stupid at times but then I have never seen my role as a SAHM to be the person who does everything for them, babying them and controlling their lives - it's my job to help them become independent adults who, have learned good coping/problem solving skills and no longer need us and are confident to explore the world themselves.

Ds has suggested there are two types of over-involved parent.
Firstly the SAHP who has more time to get over-involved and so they do and secondly the parent who works and gets over-involved to compensate for not being at home and prove they are still involved.

@Bluntness100 do you not think it was important to sometimes spend time alone as a couple? Not judging at all, just curious

Missing entire point of thread

Bluntness I think it’s probably a personality difference, I preferred to see my mum, grandparents and family and I’ve always put that down to her being at home most of the time but it’s possible it’s just because I’m more introverted.

Anna, not really. 🤣 I'm not sure what that says about us as a couple, but we met when I was 20, have been together 29 years now and we had our daughter when I was 28 and my husband 31.

So no we never felt the need for alone time. It simply never occured to us to go out together without her. As said it was never a conscious decision. We simoly looked back and thought, oh, we never did that. We went out on our own with friends, so one went out when the other cared for our daughter, but we never went out thr two of us and left her with a baby sitter, she was always with a parent.

Mr Spock, maybe, I guess we are all different, but it's lovely you are so close to family.

I work full time to protect my self and the future of my family incase I split up from my husband or if he looses his job...
I wouldn't be in my role if I was a SAHM or part time for a few years and I would have had to start at the bottom of the ladder again if I took along break. So it means I sacrifice my time with my LO but I have security just incase anything happens.

And I think being a SAHM is harder than working, I just don't have the energy (my LO only just started sleeping through at 18 months)

Women who are SAHM have my complete and utter respect!
And also those who work you are awesome for fitting it all in !
💕 Go Mummy's! 💕

@Bluntness100 maybe the women on here real off all those things about being a SAHM and the ones where they are actually happy and it all worked out well, seldom comment on threads where people are in dire straits or terribly unhappy, as that would seem insensitive.

@PookieDo I completely understand what you mean, if you have been burnt in the past it is bound to change the way you view things. I also agree it could happen to anyone.

I personally would not change the way I live my happy enriched life with my DS and hubby, just incase it goes wrong at some point, as I would rather be happy in the present doing what I believe is right by my DS. The alternative is to live a life, i am would ultimately be unhappy with and unfulfilled , incase my hubby leaves and we are less financially secure, but living like that would most definitely result in my relationship breaking down due to me being sad and unfulfilled.

@Moody123 I love your honesty and your kind post. Just wanted to say x

Iv always worked. I'm a single parent now and have no desire to live on benefits although at times I think it would maybe be easier as I have to pay childcare bills and I don't have any help from tax credits etc. Work is stressful but I'd find staying at home boring. Work adds structure to my day, I have friends at work and I like to think I show my children that working hard is a good ethic to have. Even when on maternity by the end of it I started going stir crazy

I think there is a certain set of expectations you ought to have as a SAHP to protect yourself - if there is no shared finances, you are lonely and unhappy then this is worrying. If you are secure in all other ways with a partner/husband/wife then there is less reason for the ‘escape plan’ route I have made it sound like 😂 but all too often women do come unstuck and I think that it can be a blindness - convinced it’s best for their children to be at home but also be financially restricted by a man who doesn’t value them and suddenly the realisation of ‘oh crap what do i do now?’

Don’t be fooled that it’s better for your kids to do something you aren’t happy about in either sense. Forcing yourself to go to work in a job you detest equally isn’t helpful to you or your children

@PookieDo my point exactly, (within reason obviously ) you need to do what makes you happy, as ultimately that is what is best for your child, to have two happy parents who are content and secure In their own skin, who don't pander to any stereotype but also who do not feel they need to do something they don't want to do just to prove they are not the stereotype.

I work 3 days at the moment and DH is full time. He doesn't resent it and would be quite happy to keep it that way.

But I didn't feel comfortable being at home two days a week when DD goes to school in Sept. And I feel I should increase my income as a lot of it goes on my horse. So I'm upping it to 4 days. It felt like the right thing to do. I love my team. Job is ok. Can't complain in any way, shape or form.

I always have had my mum around so I wonder if that’s a potential difference?
This sounds like you're saying the only thing that's needed to create a close relationship with your DC is being a SAHM. It's not that easy, it depends on more things than just that! Personality is the most important factor probably. And being an only child, especially a daughter, makes a big difference ime - the relationship between mother and daughter in that case isn't necessarily healthy though. I think it's quite normal fo a 21 year old to prefer suspending time with their friends and not their parents, I find the opposite quite odd tbh.

I work very long odd hours recently, sometimes at home and sometimes I have to go to various offices.
I always feel guilty about it to my DC... they tell me they honestly don’t mind, they either stay in and have whole house to themselves or go out with friends locally. Neither of them cook 🙄 but they clean the house up, go to the local shops for food and do their own washing etc. And I always feel worse about it than they do. They clearly do not feel neglected - especially now with smart phones, it is so easy to always be in touch. I worked around their school hours for years and the transition to more hours was harder on me than them. I can only hope this means they are very independent women when they leave home!

I honestly think if you are going to be a bad parent you will be a bad parent whether you have a job or not

Pookiedo- you cut to the absolute heart of it. All this arguing back and forth about sah parenting vs working..You phrase it perfectly. Work or not, sahp or not, work from home or not, etc.

At the heart of it if you will be a bad parent you will be.

Love work hated sahping

I will concede though if it was a choice between being a burger flipper and sahp I’d change my mind.

I do know plenty of people (men and women) who have sahp as a way of avoiding work.

The benefits system used to be ridiculous in assuming a parent with a child up to age 16 was incapable of paid Work! It gave a free pass to decades of economic inactivity which I’ve seen have an awful effect on mental health after a few years.

I would have zero respect for a partner who actively sought to stay at home as a way of avoiding work.

Work is a part of adult life, unless you’re in the very exceptional circumstance of somehow being born into enough wealth to bankroll your entire adult life. If a couple agree to carve things out so that one person SAH and the other WOH, and they are both genuinely comfortable with that decision and don’t feel exploited then that’s fine. It’s a personal matter. But if one person is simply using it as an excuse to not take on the responsibility of working, then that’s shitty behaviour. Likewise if one partner deliberately remains part time, or takes an easier job simply because they want an easier life- that’s taking the piss. These things need to be agreed (and probably regularly revisited because people change over time) so that neither partner feels they’re being taken for granted.

I agree with sevendown in that it’s best to aim for an interesting work life which is rewarding in more ways than just earning because then you’re at least making decisions from a positive viewpoint.
If I were flipping burgers then yes, I’d prefer to stay at home- but it’s hardly making a choice between two attractive propositions! Also very much agree with sevendowns final point. It used to be bonkers and really bad for people’s well being that they’d be considered unable to work until their children were practically adults. What a way to keep people disempowered!

Momo, you say it's "taking the piss when someone actively seeks to not work". I would say, you have no idea what someone's circumstances are to drive them to any decision about anything in life. To lay a blanket judgement down on people for the decisions they make for.their own lives is just sad. To work, or not to work. To have children, to not had children. People live their lives the way they can, or adapt to what is thrown their way, but to say people are taking the piss? I pity you.

Congratulations on managing to completely misquote what I wrote rubyjude

What I actually wrote was that it’s up to couples to decide what set up works for them. If this is done honestly and openly then no one is exploited and there’s no problem.

If one partner is acting in self interest, and simply avoiding the parts of life they don’t particularly like- then Yeap that’s taking the piss. And I would say the same either way round: if one partner actively seeks to shirk responsibility in the home, or with children, then that’s taking the piss too. So, a partner who regularly goes off to the pub after work as a way of avoiding the kids’ bed time routine, or invents excuses to stay in work to get out of doing household stuff is just as bad as a partner who shirks responsibility by avoiding work.

I’ve known a couple of men like that. I think it’s a piss take. Equally, I know a few women at work whose children are grown up, left home in some cases, who have never returned to full time work and joke with each other about how they have to keep up the pretence to their husbands that they really need their days off to run the house, because they don’t want to give us their mornings in the gym and lunches out. I think that’s taking the piss. It’s very different from a grown up relationship where you are honest with your partner about your motives and you carve things up in a way that’s equitable for both sides