SAH parenting as a way to shove work

[BloodyDisgrace]

In no way I want to offend anyone, this is just one of those questions one has but is afraid to ask.

Has anyone had the MAIN motivation for having another child to prolong time off work, or to pack it in for good? Or SAHP is just what works in your circumstances and you didn't hate working at all?

What is paid work for you: something essential and developing, or a pain you endure for financial reasons?

If you're a SAHP - what's your partner's take on it? Does he resent it? Does it imbalance the relationship or not? Does he make you feel you're financially dependant? Ever had negative comments from anyone (friends, family members) about not working?

Thank you.

As a four year old she'd probably have said she'd rather have stayed home with me, although she was happy in her day care environment, as a 21 year old her response is god no

That’s interesting. I’m a few years older than your daughter and love having my mum around. We spend lots of time together, and she helps me with my DC, and sometimes we just spend days visiting art galleries or going out.

I always have had my mum around so I wonder if that’s a potential difference?

MrSpock, I'm envious of your relationship with your mum, I would've loved to have been able to do that with mine.

(Not because she's not always been around, but because...God, where would I start describing her? Not a happy childhood, lets say. I'd dream of being to have normal days out with her, must be lovely you can do that :) )

ruby it’s very lovely. I’m sorry you didn’t have that, I always think I’d be lost without my mum so I feel for people who don’t get on with theirs.

I don’t have any siblings so I think in a way, I have a sisterly relationship with my mother. I was quite a lonely child due to illness and my mum always made sure she was there for me.

Like PP said, my main and only concern is financial freedom, I am concerned about women at road of financial abuse when they are SAHM. If people are able to create the ideal situation then I honestly hold no judgement, admiration. Saving is hard! Parenting is hard! No one is better than each other working or SAHM

@bloodydisgrace Thanks and there was lots of thoughtful planning and discussion on both our parts. I’ve known a couple of woman who fell into the SAHM role purposefully due to having more kids (high childcare costs back home vs the wives income) and I will say there is a lot of resentment that manifests in many ways! I would never want to force my partner into this set up. Recipe for disaster!

Girls are 4 and 2 now. When they are both in school full time I hope to start a business. I’ll have just turned 40 then and have lots years of income potential left. Maybe not though...I’ve heard from a lot of moms with older kids that their evening demands with activities and homework make life busier than when kids were little. The few hours break they get during the day helps keep their sanity! To answe the question posed earlier as to why an able bodied person doesn’t work with older kids.

I always have had my mum around so I wonder if that’s a potential difference?

Is there a subtle dig? I would not say, and neither would she that because I or my husband worked We weren't around. Possibly because my daughter works and is about to do her lpc at the same time, in addition she has just finished her law degree. So she's busy during the weekday,

My or my husband not working wouldn't have led to us to spending weekdays together, because before that she was at school. We always did plenty at weekends or whatever in the evenings, but weekdays my daughter has been in full time education for the last 17 years. In holidays as a teen she would mix time with friends or us.

I doubt she'd agree with you her mum wasn't around, and she wouldn't agree her dad wasn't either because he worked during weekdays. Ultimately I guess because during weekdays she was also tied up, in education..

RE: our own Mums; if she was a SAHP and you are (or a housewife) and if it's related - this is an interesting side-thought.

In my case it isn't related. I was born in the country with free state childcare and all Mums were expected to work FT (most had help from grandparents). My Mum also worked, I was put in a nursery where i was bullied at the age of 4, cried all the time, lost weight, even doctor said 'take her out of there, or she'll develop MH issues". Dad tried to persuade my Mum to give up work, but she feared she'll lose out on pension. I never resented her for that. So my own gripe with work is nothing to do with her working or not giving up working. It's more to do with what I personally can endure.

No it wasn’t Bluntness, clumsy wording, I apologise.

I just wonder if there’s a difference because my friends and DP who had WOHP share a similar relationship to why you describe and most of us who had SAHP or PT working mums have a similar relationship to what I describe.

No digs.

OP I also had anxiety from an early age. That’s interesting.

BasicSAHM
yep, planning is the key, and planning the size of one's family is an important one. You know, even in our enlightened times with free contraception, a lot of families just "end up" with an additional kid they didn't plan. And the path of life changes as a result.

I do admire women who are at home, yet are so great at managing their time to do a course, volunteer, get some additional skills, set up a business. It's probably not me, or not yet, (although I don't have an excuse not to volunteer, and I enjoyed volunteering in the past) but still, mightily impressive.

Or SAHP is just what works in your circumstances and you didn't hate working at all?

They were restructuring our department when I was pregnant with ds. I loved my job, I didn't love the positions they wanted me to go into even though they came with higher pay/more responsibility. Had I not been pregnant, I would have sucked it up whilst I looked for something else. As I was pregnant, I handed in my notice.

What is paid work for you: something essential and developing, or a pain you endure for financial reasons?

Neither or maybe somewhere in the middle. I don't need to get paid for it. I do a lot of voluntary work (sitting on various committees, producing a charity newsletter for one of them, helping with community projects etc) and I'm studying for another degree all of which I find very rewarding and interesting. I'm applying the same skills I did at work and building on them as well as helping people. The only real difference is the lack of pay.

If you're a SAHP - what's your partner's take on it? Does he resent it? Does it imbalance the relationship or not? Does he make you feel you're financially dependant? Ever had negative comments from anyone (friends, family members) about not working?

It was a joint decision. Dh thinks that mothers should be at home for the 0-3 year period anyway but I had the final say since it would impact me more than him. He also wasn't too keen on my job given that it involved lone working and some of my clients could potentially pose risks. We have family money in both senses of the phrase so no, he doesn't make me feel financially dependent. I've not had any negative comments but where we live, 75 percent of the mothers I know are stay at home mums at least until school age.

My mum didn't work but it was because she believed herself to be disabled and incapable (she isn't - well I guess in a sense she might be but not the way she thought). She did go to university while she was looking after me though. Her not working didn't mean she was any more available though, she was always off doing things. She couldn't really cope with the responsibility of parenthood.

Even now when she's visited I've foolishly thought, hey, I can relax my vigilance with the kids because mum is around. NOPPPPPPE! She is in her own little world - even if I directly ask her to watch them, no chance. Sadly I've decided she can't be trusted with them on her own. She doesn't interact with them or notice if they're about to get in trouble. And that's despite the fact she actually really truly genuinely adores them.

I don't want to be "like her" so her having technically speaking a SAHM (despite the fact we were in childcare as much as a working mum's kids would have been) hasn't encouraged me to have become one. Although there's aspects of the perpetual student lifestyle she led that are definitely appealing, sadly it's not something financially viable for me.

MrSpock
OP I also had anxiety from an early age. That’s interesting

As a child at school, for 10 years, I didn't know that what I felt each day before going to school - that sinking hollow feeling in my chest, stomach upset, no appetite - is what adults call anxiety. Kids in my days weren't prescribed any medication for that. My Mum didn't know that I felt this way, and was surprised when I said it as an 20something adult.

Early experience of bullying taught me not even to try "to belong" or act as "normal" - for I'll be considered as "fake" anyway - and in adult life lead to choosing my own path and not looking back on anyone, or trying to measure up/comparing myself to others. And when I thought it through as an adult I thought "fuck it. I'll look after myself and be gentle to myself" So weakness turned into strength. And compassion towards anyone who suffers, whether child or adult.

Perhaps my introvert, non-competitive nature was why work got me down big time in the end. Some folks are just not cut up for a rat race.

Perhaps my introvert, non-competitive nature was why work got me down big time in the end. Some folks are just not cut up for a rat race

I think this is so true! Some people love having a career and couldn't live without it. For me its just a means to an end. I will always go for the lowest stress option that still gives me the income I want. I don't care about earning more or moving higher. If it pays me enough to do what I want to do, then that's good enough.

I have a male friend (single so no family to support) who had a very high level job. He made a lot of money, paid off his mortgage. He now works in an admin role. He said he wouldn't want to not work at all because he'd be bored, and still wants a bit of extra case, but he doesn't want stress and long hours.I think, good for him!

BloodyDisgrace

That’s exactly how I felt. I used to miss loads of school because I just couldn’t drag myself out the door to go. It’s an overwhelming sense of dread, and it’s awful.

I’ve had it all my life and I struggle with it. I prefer to just exit from the world and not involve myself in work, and just focus on myself and my children. It feels like the world is too loud, too bright, too intense?

I’m also an introvert. I think if I had an ideal job it would be working in a bookshop, occasionally talking to people about the books. Or an art supplies shop, I love watercolour painting.

@bloodydisgrace I appreciate your perspective. I’ve gotten some negative judgement for being a SAHM and a trailing spouse as well (picking up and moving my life every couple of years for my husband’s career). More so since I started my girls in nursery part time at 2 and full time at 3. I want my girls to have that socialization and a break for me. I let it roll of my back though. We are all just trying to live our best life for ourselves and our families.

As far as the question posed if I came from a SAHP family. I did. My mother was also a trailing spouse. Our upbringing had no impact on our lifestyle choices or set my brother up to have unfair expectations of his wife. He married a career woman and actually does the lion share of domestic duties. My has zero desire to SAH with her kids even those she comfortably could. Each to their own!

DieAntword
Although there's aspects of the perpetual student lifestyle she led that are definitely appealing, sadly it's not something financially viable for me

so far of what i've seen in student life in UK is, basically, get a loan to pay the uni for the teachers saying "read 20 books a month, write 15 essays" so you are educating yourself for all that dosh you pay. Seems far too cheeky to me. If you need a qualification or a certificate (for a future employer), then I see why people do that.

My mum was a SAHP, who has said some pretty bitter things about it. Like she "didn't really want children it's just what you do." And she "only had children as her friends were having them." Plus that's she "couldn't wait to get back to work once we were in school, as we were boring." But then I take these with a pinch of salt because they are just comments.

However I do find it weird that my mum went to volunteer and then got a job with young children. She said she loved it, but I don't have a single memory of her interacting with me / us. Maybe it's that times have changed and parenting styles are more attachment at the moment. My parents where very hands off.

I have a DS and I'm a SAHM. My mum loves him, but doesn't seem to be able to play with him. ( she is in good health and physically able) I wonder if it's the lack of structure. She worked in a specialist school, but wasn't a teacher so she was told what to do with the kids.

Personally I enjoy being a SAHM although at times it is extremely exhausting as I feel I'm working 24-7 without a change or break from my DC. My DH works away a lot.

Pre children my DH was very much you need to go back to work financially, but in reality he's been happy with me being at home. Personally I wanted to be a SAHM , but I did really love my job and was well paid. I don't worry about my future career as I focus on now. Life changes anyway.

My personal feeling is it's sad to not be able to spend a good amount of time with your kids. I don't think being a SAHP full time is the answer as but much more work flexibility is needed for both parents. I hate the way part time roles are often poorly paid or only given to those who return to a previous job after maternity.

If I could work part time well paid I would. I'm not prepared to pay out more child care than I'm earning to work in a min wage job. ( and no I'm not stuck up, I've had all sorts of jobs in the past)

That is my sister has no desire. I mentioned my brothers views towards domestic life due to a comment made earlier in that SAHM’s are setting a poor example for their sons.

MrSpock
I think if I had an ideal job it would be working in a bookshop, occasionally talking to people about the books

heh, it was the library job which busted me. Couldn't even fucking handle that. Still, it's not to say it's the same for anyone who tries this sector.

Mr Spock, no need to apologise, I still don't get thr point though.

My daughter and i are very close, I suspect because she's an only child, for example we text good night and love you every night, even when she's out late she tells me she's back ok and love you, and good morning every day.

I genuinely don't think she'd say her mother or father wasn't around for her growing up becayse we worked during weekdays , and in her teen years I'd say she socialised as much as those with stay at home parents, ie they didn't stay home more because they wished to be with their mums.

She doesn't have children obviously so I can't comment, but I think she has a healthy balance between work/education, social life, friends, and us and always has.

I am currently a trailing spouse, something I have been before, I am a SAHP to school age dc during these times and it drives me slightly nuts. Everyone else in the family loves it but I would prefer to work part time at least. I have a professional qualification and many years work experience in UK. I volunteer in a few places partly for myself and partly to set an example for my dc.

I do think that ourr experiences growing up impact who we are as adults. So for example I grew up in poverty. In a very dysfunctional environment, but my wider family were good people, not in poverty, it taught me what I didn't want, How not to parent, and due to the poor example my father gave I didn't want to be reliant on a man.

So that and some luck explains who I am. I now outearn my husband who is a good earner himself, and I guess our daughter grew up with an ambitious working mother. But more than that, all my friends worked, and although many of Her friends mums didn't, the women she grew up with and knew best all worked.

In addition a lot of her friends didn't understand as they got older why their mums didn't work, and often found them to be over involved and bored mothers, stressing the small stuff. They didn't see the value in mum at home as teenagers, as they themselves strove for education and careers.

But possibly that's because she picked friends like her, the people she had most in common with, who wanted to be doctors, lawyers, engineers.

So maybe we surround ourselves with people like us, and we follow on what we liked in our child hoods, whilst discarding what we didnt.

Bluntness100
maybe we surround ourselves with people like us, and we follow on what we liked in our child hoods, whilst discarding what we didnt

yes, either being fully aware of it or not. It's much better than people repeating a bad pattern from their early life, basically re-living some abusive/deprived template. Which, sadly, happens a lot.