SAH parenting as a way to shove work

[BloodyDisgrace]

In no way I want to offend anyone, this is just one of those questions one has but is afraid to ask.

Has anyone had the MAIN motivation for having another child to prolong time off work, or to pack it in for good? Or SAHP is just what works in your circumstances and you didn't hate working at all?

What is paid work for you: something essential and developing, or a pain you endure for financial reasons?

If you're a SAHP - what's your partner's take on it? Does he resent it? Does it imbalance the relationship or not? Does he make you feel you're financially dependant? Ever had negative comments from anyone (friends, family members) about not working?

Thank you.

We both have careers. I’m on mat leave with my second. If I had to choose one or the other obviously it would be my children, but I’d rather balance. I think those saying career will wait do mean that babies won’t - you can’t keep saying I’ll jsut get the next promotion...
I may do sahm for a few years but it is really because working might be too hard. Two people ft is very busy, i am not sure we can do it with small children while renovating a house, and I get hyperemesis so spend most of the weekend in bed the first few months of a pregnancy after trying to get into work most days. That said when I do take sick leave I have childcare so it’s not black and white!
Also now I’m on mat leave I have a 3yo at home 3 days a week and I do think being at home is good for him. He just wanders around , pulls out toys , plays in the backyard, we read a billion stories ... of course there are a billion tantrums and time outs and getting the berry out of his nose and saying we don’t throw books And taking all morning to get dressed and brush teeth... so it’s not entirely fulfilling on my side but i do think it’s good for him ....

@mrspock if you were truly looking at it long term then giving up work is not the best option.

Yes jobs are there but usually much lower paid

BlaaBlaaBlaa

That depends what your priorities are surely? In my case, I prioritise family time over having more money, others might prefer more money and less free time.

@mrspock but not everyone works just for the money. Just because someone chooses to work doesn't mean they are prioritising money over family time.

Good post OP. It's quite interesting to discuss this.

Just starting mat leave 3 and have never decided to have a child to prolong time off work. Although the more time I have had off work on mat leave, the more I have felt detached from work. First mat leave was only 9 months. I was very career driven and enthusiastic about returning. I returned and the company relocated quite far away and so I took redundancy. I went straight into another role which I also loved - something different but I was determined to make a career out of it. Then manager changed to a complete cow-bag (sorry but she was) and I fell pregnant (surprise). I ended up going off long term sick with stress (from the manager) as well as trouble in my pregnancy and straight into mat leave. I really fell into the role of sahm very well and was off for a total of 17 months. I didn't want to return to work because I was enjoying life with my children so much and really felt I'd been missing out. However I found a job like gold dust (3 days a week, term time only and wfh) and took it because I was concerned about staying out of the workplace. Job wasn't really for me and again was something totally different. Currently pregnant with number 3 and have no desire to return to office work and have just started the summer hols which will lead into some annual leave and then mat leave (so planning on being off for 15 months). I want to be out and about with children, teaching and helping them develop. Have decided to become a childminder and hope this will be a better fit for me and the things that I enjoy doing. Training is complete, just waiting for ofsted sign off.

Truthfully I feel lost and disappointed about work. I had so dreamed of a high flying career and really did want to progress. I feel like now I have different priorities and it's just not me at the moment, nor do I really know what high flying career I want. So I'm taking a long break and will focus on my family for a while and I really hope that childminding works out. Maybe one day I'll figure it all out. I honestly feel that had I not had children my life would be headed in a different direction. At this point I think that if I didn't have to work then I wouldn't. Technically we could live off DH's salary and some tax credits but that doesn't seem right to me, so we don't.

DH just wants me to be happy and has been supportive throughout my journey. He has never led the conversation and has never really expressed what he thinks as such. He does love it when I'm at home and he reaps the benefits (i.e. I'm in my stride getting all the day to day stuff sorted so we can enjoy weekends) but he's not so good with when I'm late pregnancy and unable to do much. He's very proactive and steps up doing extra but he has a very manual job on his feet for 40 hours a week and is exhausted all of the time. So he really feels the pressure when I'm not up to the job.

No comments from family about not working. Some of DHs family don't understand it when I am working and think I should somehow be doing sahm duties simultaneously!

I loved working but became a sahm which I also wanted to be whilst the kids were young. I loved being a sahm. What I didn't love was that I had no independence, support or say or control of finances.

I'm now working part time and still looking after the kids and home and I love it. My career has really taken off and I was surprised that even after a decade out if it I hit the ground running.

BlaaBlaaBlaa

I get that, in those cases they’d be prioritising whatever it is they wish to get from work as something important. Which is also fine.

Sahp can be dad's too. For us the childcare costs makes my partner working anything other than occasional hours at the weekend pointless. We are not entitled to many benefits due to my salery. When we get the free childcare hours when he turns two or three then we will re think.

It’s a bit of a depressing thread, to be honest.

Its exactly tbe other way round for me, doing well at school, getting a good degree and job was my way to avoid the domestic chores. My mother used to let me off chores to do my homework.....

I gave up a very profitable business and career post birth of ds1, I have mostly been a sahm for about 27 years.
We both agreed it was best for our children to have a sahp, and it has offered us so many opportunities we wouldn't have had with both working.
My dh has never been resentful, we work together as a team.
Work for me is something you do to make ends meet and if I needed to work I would.
I have four years before benefits for our remaining dependant child finishes. I guess I'll have to work then, but until then I am supporting my family with the none financial side.
I know it doesn't work for everyone but I like my life the way it is.

I am not a SAHP, I work part time, but I don't know anyone who has had children to not go back to work. Although I have heard people joke about it in a very non-serious way, at the end of our maternity leaves - 'better get pregnant again'!

My SIL is a SAHM and has been for almost 10 years. Her work sector has changed beyond recognition in that time due to digital advancements, and her confidence is pretty low. The ease of getting back into work after taking a career break is massively dependent on the work that you did/do!

I know what I'm like and if I took a career break I'd really struggle with my confidence to get back to the world of work.

And to add to this, I work in digital/web and I have taken two year long maternity leaves over the last 6 years. I found it hard to keep up with developments/changes at work and in the sector with only a year out! Things are so fast-paced these days #gimmer

Tell your sil to look at courses. I'm in marketing and it has moved on dramatically in the 10 years that I was a sahm but I went to some local workshops and did a course which really helped.

"What is paid work for you: something essential and developing, or a pain you endure for financial reasons?"
*
I loved my job! Being a SAHP is brilliant, but if I hadn't been made redundant I'd have maybe gone back part time once my baby was one. However, I now plan to be a SAHP until he starts primary school.*

"If you're a SAHP - what's your partner's take on it? Does he resent it? Does it imbalance the relationship or not? Does he make you feel you're financially dependant? Ever had negative comments from anyone (friends, family members) about not working?"
*
My husband was fine with whatever I wanted to do, but he is very happy with our current situation. There is no imbalance in our relationship, we both work hard, his job has financial benefits, my job benefits our family. I don't feel financially dependant as such, although I suppose I am. I take care of our finances.*

As for friends and family, I have had questions regarding when I'm going back to work.* I don't tell them anything other than "maybe I will, maybe I won't" -because it's nobody else's business.*

Bold fail! Sorry.

@mrspock ....but don't you get it? It's not about prioritising! That's a really judgemental way to put it. It's about working out what works best overall for your family and the individual's within it.....both long-term and short-term. I'd be mightily pissed off of someone said I'd prioritised my career over my family because that's simply not the case

Everyone prioritises and does what’s best for them and their family. I’m not saying one is superior to the other.

The only people who will have a child to get out of not going back to work are people who don’t have children yet.

I find most people want to go back to work...however most also don’t go back as it’s financially challenging for the whole family and in the end the parent can’t afford to go to work.

I've always worked f/t. Loved my DDs to death even as babies, but mat leave was so deadly dull, and I loved my job. I would have liked to go 3 days a week but 18 years ago that wasn't an option - these days in my field it's the norm to go to 4 days a week but back then it was all or nothing.

While I have missed some nativity plays, on the whole I have no regrets. Firstly because I am now a single parent - H left last December, had been absent as a parent for a long time before that and is now recently deceased though we were still married. I've kept my career going so am able to support my DDs. My second reason for being glad I stayed in work is because I have seen too many of my friends go SAHM only to have their H's bugger off with someone younger, leaving them high and dry. It isn't worth the risk.

I am currently a SAHP. With my husband's job as busy as it is, this works out best for us as a family with young children. I hated working - I suffered massive anxiety, and was happiest stacking shelves at night as it meant minimum human contact. When the children are all in school full time I will work from home, as I want something a) to keep me sane, and b) want my own money I also want my children to see and learn about a different aspect of work - marketing, managing finances, filing Self Asessment reports etc, c) don't have to interact with people too much. My husband is supportive, we work well as a team this way, and it suits our lifestyle.

I think what paid works means to someone can be different - for example, where I grew up, we didn't have "careers", we just worked whatever job we could get to pay bills etc. You took whatever you could get In that instance, it's just something you did, not for fun (ie, a career you'd always wanted), but out of necessity. For me, I loved to do certain things that wouldn't really be found in employment, you would have to set up your own business to do, and even then it might just stay a "hobby" business on the side of a main job. For me, paid work is a means to an end. My self employment is my happiness.

Has anyone had the MAIN motivation for having another child to prolong time off work, or to pack it in for good?

Absolutely not. I enjoyed my (very well paid and fulfilling) career, but currently for various reasons me being a SAHM is the best thing for us.

Or SAHP is just what works in your circumstances and you didn't hate working at all?

Yes.

What is paid work for you: something essential and developing, or a pain you endure for financial reasons?

As I said, I enjoyed my career. I worked hard and reaped the rewards at the time. However I was not defined by my job. I am not ‘bored’ at home as I finally have time to develop my own interests (despite having 2 pre schoolers). I can easily find intellectual stimulation outside of my job, in fact I find I can pursue things that interest me a lot more than marketing did, however well paid I was.

If you're a SAHP - what's your partner's take on it?

Well it was a completely joint decision. He’s happy with our lives now but equally will support me 100% when I decide to go back to work. He understands that that will mean him picking up more of the burden at home.

Does he resent it?

Not at all, as I said it was a joint decision.

Does it imbalance the relationship or not?

Not in our case.

Does he make you feel you're financially dependant?

Never. Because he’s not a dick.

Ever had negative comments from anyone (friends, family members) about not working?

Yes. My IL’s make negative comments, especially FIL. DH tells him it’s none of his business and we are doing what’s right for our family.
Most of the negativity I’ve seen comes from mumsnet and another mumsnet related Facebook group I’m in.

SAHP is just what works in your circumstances and you didn't hate working at all?

• I like working but circumstances are that at the moment being a SAHP works for us all. I would work happily in the right role, but not any role

What is paid work for you?

Something I really enjoy, and am good at. Was at a senior level and well paid before I stopped.

If you're a SAHP - what's your partner's take on it?

He likes it as long as I'm happy, but is equally happy if I work as long as I'm happy.

Does he resent it? Does it imbalance the relationship or not?

Not in the slightest. We are a team. He knows it's harder being a SAHP then it is to be at work.

Does he make you feel you're financially dependant?

Never. He goes out of his way to make me feel comfortable about money.

Ever had negative comments from anyone (friends, family members) about not working

Never. Everyone has been very positive and the only negative comments have been about going back to work

I don't mean to offend anyone, but I don't understand SAHP after kids are school age. I know a woman who hasn't worked since older dd was born, she is now eleven. The house is a tip, her dp works away from home, she has no financial independence and they are on a shoestring. She's tired of cleaning but can't afford a cleaner. I'd go back to working in shops if it meant it meshed with school hours and I could get a cleaner! I worry what a long term SAHP would do if their partner left or went bankrupt or had an affair. Feels so scary handing all of your financial control, independence, power etc to a man.

Sorry meant to add that she falls into the category of 'hates working'