SAH parenting as a way to shove work

[BloodyDisgrace]

In no way I want to offend anyone, this is just one of those questions one has but is afraid to ask.

Has anyone had the MAIN motivation for having another child to prolong time off work, or to pack it in for good? Or SAHP is just what works in your circumstances and you didn't hate working at all?

What is paid work for you: something essential and developing, or a pain you endure for financial reasons?

If you're a SAHP - what's your partner's take on it? Does he resent it? Does it imbalance the relationship or not? Does he make you feel you're financially dependant? Ever had negative comments from anyone (friends, family members) about not working?

Thank you.

"no one wants to be known as just a mum"

That's because under capital your only value is in working to create surplus value.

Your only value is in being exploited at a greater rate by capitalism, both in paid labour and doubly in unpaid labour. Women are exploited at a greater rate.

All this nonsense about "don't lose your place in the pecking order" is down to the way in which our unpaid labour is devalued to obscure the nature in which it's exploited, specialisation, (which is specific to capital) and an excuse to exploit women's labour at a greater rate (less pay even though you are doing the same job).

And finally, it suits many to devalue the very thing that women do, that only women can do.... motherhood.

I stayed at home for over 10 years. I set up two businesses, I home schooled two children and I had a great time. The one thing in life I am most proud of and have the least regrets.......raising my children. I've never felt the need to apologise.

I've now returned to work. I'm still doing everything I've ever done, but my life and time now belongs to someone else. Hopefully I can find time today to look after my father and see my children, but who knows!

A few years ago I separated from my ex after an 18 year marriage, parts of which I spent as a SAHM. I never expected the marriage to end but a number of affairs came to light and that was that. If there was one piece of advice I could give it would be to never rely on someone who has control of the money - it’s all great while you’re in a partnership, but people you think aren’t dicks can very quickly become dicks. If you are a SAHM then once the kids are a bit older do a bit of voluntary work or some courses at the local college or uni to keep the CV topped up, just in case you need it. Keep your ‘warm contacts’ warm, and offer to do bits and pieces here and there as ‘self employed’. I met my current DP on OLD and he said the number of women looking for someone who could afford to replace the lifestyle they’d lost was frightening.

@birdinthetree that's more to do with how you behave as a parent than whether you work or not though. My mum (also a single parent) also had no choice but to work, but she always had all the time in the world for me and I knew I was the most important thing to her.

If you work I think it's about finding a good balance in life. For me things like having loads of money, sending DS to private school, having a big house isn't important. I'd rather have less money than a career with very long hours that stresses me out.

It's about finding what's right for you. Being unhappy in your life role, whatever it is, can also have an effect on children. They pick up on things.

I've been a SAHM since my eldest was 2. If I'd loved my.job I'd have felt completely different when my temporary part time part mat leave came to an end. They wanted me to be full time. That just wasn't how I wanted to parent so I decided to leave. I'm lucky that we've found it affordable (things have been tight at times but I'm good at being frugal) and that dh is totally happy with the situation. He doesn't mind about me spending money, having fun without him during the day (always with the kids) and accepts I know best what the kids need. Our financial situation is constantly improving which is great but dh is also traveling on business every week. He couldn't do that if I was working too - I would find it v hard to manage all the childcare arrangements, cooking and bedtime solo. I'm.not stupid I.know plenty of people do it. But we are all happier with me at home.

I was a SAHM before my children started school and have been in a low paid but term time only job since the youngest started school. I am now studying for my MSc for a career change. I was a SAHM longer than I needed to be in some regards because we planned a 4 year gap between our two children for various reasons although me being out of paid work for longer wasn't one of them.

My only regret is that I haven't paid much into my pension, if one of my children were to be in a similar situation I would advise them to keep paying what they can afford to into a private pension because those early years of contributions make a big difference.

I enjoyed work well-enough but honestly the thought of doing it forever was mind-numbing. My DH works in a (successful) family business and when I fell pregnant, he said we'd be more than fine if I gave up work. It was music to my ears. So, whilst my kids weren't the motivation, I'm very glad it turned out this way. I feel much more satisfied and happier in myself being a sahp.

My DH is pleased, he loves that I get to be there full time for the kids. He's a family orientated man and it means a lot to him - if I did have to work, he probably wouldve had his mum be the primary childcare. I don't feel it imbalances our relationship at all and I have access to our account for whatever I need - he's never questioned why I've bought something, although I've probably mentioned it to him anyway when we chat. Maybe it'd be different if I took the piss, but I don't.

No one has ever said anything bad to me about it. Most couples I know have a sahp in them. Although my older sister once commented it must be nice to put my feet up all day

My only regret is that I haven't paid much into my pension, if one of my children were to be in a similar situation I would advise them to keep paying what they can afford to into a private pension because those early years of contributions make a big difference.

I pay 25 a month which honestly seems pointless but I do it just to be in the habit and on the off chance of being able to increase when I have more money.

I get half my husbands pension if he dies though. Not sure if that’s standard these days. And I’m making sure I’m eligible for state pension, I know people say it won’t be there when we’re old but I think it will just for older and older ages.

@DieAntword oh yeah I understand that, my mum ended up not being able to work through disability, I mean the cases where it has been generations of people claiming and they don't even consider working, that's not even on their radar, they will just have kids and claim whatever they manage to scam. I knew 2 families who had 4 generation that had never worked and said its just knowing how to fill the forms in lol .
But again that's a different thread sorry @BloodyDisgrace I don't mean your thread off track. 😧😧

I mean the cases where it has been generations of people claiming and they don't even consider working, that's not even on their radar, they will just have kids and claim whatever they manage to scam. I knew 2 families who had 4 generation that had never worked and said its just knowing how to fill the forms in lol .

I don't understand how people feel comfortable doing that, we don't even collect tax credits (which since my second child we're eligible for a very small amount of - about £40 a month) because we might grow to depend on it and then the government could change things (I can't even imagine what a shock it was for people with larger families when they restricted child tax credits to the first two children!) and we'd have a hole to plug.

I didn't hate working at all, really loved it in fact. I became a SAHM for many reasons , non of which were to avoid work. Dp is very, very supportive and sees the benefits to us as a family of me being at home. All money is family money, we've been together a long time and it's always been that way for us.

Other people's attitudes and reactions have probably been the most negative aspect of my being at home. I've had some pretty hurtful things said to me and about me tbh.

Sistersofmercy101
"Shove work" rude title - goady much?

• of course I didn't mean it in the way you read it, and I said at the beginning that I don't want to offend. I meant "paid work". It might not be obvious from my post at all, but my main interest was the people who actually couldn't stand working and found parenting at home much more rewarding occupation.

I accept that domestic work of a SAHP or a housewife varies wildly: some has a full-on hectic day, someone has it easier than their previous paid employment.

LellyMcKelly
people you think aren’t dicks can very quickly become dicks. If you are a SAHM then once the kids are a bit older do a bit of voluntary work or some courses at the local college or uni to keep the CV topped up, just in case you need it

damn right. Golden advice.

‘Other people's attitudes and reactions have probably been the most negative aspect of my being at home. I've had some pretty hurtful things said to me and about me tbh.‘

I don’t see another reason for this other than jealousy. Why people feel the need to judge other i don’t know. They should concentrate on their own lives.

others*

NataliaOsipova

*Turn that around a minute and just see how it sounds. "Did anyone go back to work because they just couldn't hack being a parent?" or "Is going back to work full time just what works in your circumstances and you didn't hate being a parent at all?".

Doesn't sound very nice, does it?*

I don't see anything wrong with that either. Some people really hate working, others find full time parenting is not for them. It's ok to say it as it is, but people often don't because they get negative sneery comments.

I loved working. In fact I was a workaholic. I’d had tough times but was actually in a job I loved when I fell pregnant.

I’m a sahm for a few reasons 1) we had to move for my husband’s career whilst I was pregnant. I went to interviews while pregnant but got told in no uncertain terms I would have got the job if I hadn’t been pregnant... naïveté played a part here!
Then I had a very bad birth that need lots of surgery. We moved house again. We had more children. We moved house again (different parts of the country).

I’m at heart a perfectionist. I could work now. But childcare options are crap where we live now. I haven’t found a job I like enough to warrant leaving really small children. My career was working with families with attachment and mental health issues. So the early years bonding has particular importance to me.

Money wise, I am an equal in my marriage. I would say being a sahm is a joint decision but one I can change. So if I applied for a job, DH would ‘recallibrate’ and move things around to make it work.

So, overall I’m at home partly because of ideology (early years are crucial psychologically) and partly circumstantial.

It’s definitely aren’t to avoid work. I worked for 15 year before I had my children and intend to again. I fanaticise about going to work some days

MrSpock
Coming home from work to do chores when you’re tired is the worst feeling, whether it’s a man or woman doing it

yes, I know that far too well. Relieving your partner of all this after they came home is a worthy occupation. But a partner must be worthy of that as well, for, as BlaaBlaaBlaa said, some men just don't appreciate it and take it for granted that a woman will do it anyway, whether she works or not.

BloodyDisgrace I suffer from quite bad anxiety and it would reduce me to tears sometimes, as pathetic as that sounds.

Yes it’s important the working partner appreciates the one doing less or no work.

It saddens me that some SAHP get negative comments on their choice. I hope it doesn't grind you down and that you use this opportunity to hone your skills of repartee and put these rude people in their place.

You all do great jobs for your family and deserve only recognition and gratitude. And I, not even a parent, but a housewife, am in an usual situation because I have it very very easy - and yet no one in my year, since giving up paid work, ever said anything derogatory.

My main intent behind the original post was to find out if anybody actually actively hated working, had problems with it, and found full-time parenting a lucky, rewarding escape. If someone felt about work the same as I did.

I had a decent FT job in a prestigious cultural organisation (although not well-paid one as it's a state sector), which turned stressful in the last years due to managing a difficult person. 6 years of the same problems, all sorts of things were tried, and no improvement. And I thought "will I have to plod on like that for 20 more years?". And when the financial opportunity arose to "shove work", yes, shove it as I said, I had my lucky escape. I'm a housewife now, have small regular income from renting a house, and I've never been this happy in my life before. (I don't rule out going back to work though).

Op may I ask how old you are? I ask this because I think there’s more of a stigma when it’s younger women not working in favour of taking care of children/the home.

MrSpock
I suffer from quite bad anxiety and it would reduce me to tears sometimes, as pathetic as that sounds

it's not pathetic. it's important not to think this about oneself. I know how anxiety feels, although I never had a really bad one, but all my working years (pretty much all adult life, until recently when I gave up work) I was on anti-depressants. Been signed off for work stress a few times. I'm good at helping myself though and drawing a line for others, and always let my managers know if I'm not coping. It's self-preservation really.

One friend of my dad asked what I did and when I said I was at home with the kids he said 'let me guess who's footing the bill for you to churn them out' . He got short shrift. The most hurtful things have been regarding my ds's development, he was speech delayed and really didn't talk until he was almost 3. I had several comments about him being held back by not going to nursery and how a month in ft nursery would 'get him talking' . Obviously most people couldn't care less but I ve had enough comments to know plenty do.

‘The most hurtful things have been regarding my ds's development, he was speech delayed and really didn't talk until he was almost 3. I had several comments about him being held back by not going to nursery and how a month in ft nursery would 'get him talking'

I had the same thing said to me dubious but relating to movement. It was very hurtful.

mrsberrythethird
Op may I ask how old you are? I ask this because I think there’s more of a stigma when it’s younger women not working in favour of taking care of children/the home

I'm 42. Gave up work when I was 41, married for the 2nd time, no kids.
Yep, younger mums at home do get a stick. That's unfair as any ignorant judgement of anyone. Maybe there's this assumption that a young woman should be pursuing her career since she has most energy, but again, everyone is different. I never aspired to live up to anybody's expectation of what a woman of my age should do.