Page 5 | SAH parenting as a way to shove work

Birdinthetree · 09/08/2018 20:05

If you're a SAHP - what's your partner's take on it? Does he resent it? Dh is very supportive of my role, he frequently tells me I do the most important job...he encouraged me through the early years which were at times tough - twins had health problems. He encourages me to pursue my hobbies,, meet friends for coffee, go to the gym etc, he doesn't want me to be bored while the kids are at school. He often works away, I think me being here all the time plugs the gap.
Does it imbalance the relationship or not? Does he make you feel you're financially dependant? We make every decision together, I am often the one with the extra time, so I make most of the financial recommendations. All money goes into a joint account and we both get an equal share of money to spend on ourselves.
Ever had negative comments from anyone (friends, family members) about not working? No not really - once I listened to a Mum at school bitch extensively about SAHMs - she was someone who I had spoken with over 20 times, when she was finished I told her I was a SAHM - she has never spoken to me since apart from a brief hello. The only place I feel my life is attacked is on Mumsnet.
Dh has started his own business, I have been helping out with the aim of going back to work, which is becoming increasingly important to me.
We don't struggle financially, although extra money is always useful but it is not the main motivator, when the kids bugger off I need to fill the void.

Annalogy · 09/08/2018 20:06

As mentioned by PPs, it's just the financial independence element that concerns me most of all

Joysmum · 09/08/2018 20:45

I’ve done up properties periodically and have kept 4 that I rent out. I have and income from these and the profits I have/will make when selling means I’ve exceeded what I’d have made in paid employment.

In addition I’ve been able to care for both my in-laws. I’m better at that than my DH and he didn’t need to worry about them knowing I’d do better than he could.

I work volunteering for charities which fulfils our family’s desire to contribute to our community.

I’ve been able to train and complete a number of higher level courses which I make use of in my business.

My dh has been able to concentrate on his career which he loves, he’s never needed to decline working away or long unsociable hours. Although when I was in employment I earned more back then, it paid the bills and I never loved it like I do with the properties.

We both have more family time and more leisure time. He comes home and has nothing to do. I can pursue my hobby when he and dd are out of the house and be back to support dd in her hobbies and clubs plus get time with dh so he’s not feeling guilty about the hours he likes to work and the additional time he spends on hobbies.

I’m not ‘just a Mum and housewife’ and certainly have an active life of my own as well as providing the flexibility and opportunities for both dd and dh to have more active and fulfilling lives themselves. It works for us

Interestingly, the only time I feel judged is by those who consider themselves active feminists and don’t see me as their equal because of my choices in life. I’ve never been belittled by a man, my dh defers to me re savings and investments and finances despite being a fairly high flying manager at European level as finance and accounting is my strength.

MrSpock · 09/08/2018 20:49

Mr Spock - I don’t really understand what you mean by family values. How is that connected to having a SAHP?

It’s easier to spend more time on family activities if one parent is a SAHP, that’s all.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/08/2018 21:06

@mrspock you mean it's easier for one parent to spend time on family activities

RiddleyW · 09/08/2018 21:09

Right so you mean activities not values? That makes more sense I suppose. I do (as the sole working parent) spend more time doing activities with DS at the weekend. I don’t need to spend any weekend time doing housework.

MrSpock · 09/08/2018 21:10

Not just that. It’s easier for one parent to ensure all the boring jobs are done in the week so weekends can be spent as purely family time.

MrSpock · 09/08/2018 21:10

Right so you mean activities not values? That makes more sense I suppose. I do (as the sole working parent) spend more time doing activities with DS at the weekend. I don’t need to spend any weekend time doing housework

Yeah that’s a better way of putting it.

NataliaOsipova · 09/08/2018 21:13

Or SAHP is just what works in your circumstances and you didn't hate working at all

Turn that around a minute and just see how it sounds. "Did anyone go back to work because they just couldn't hack being a parent?" or "Is going back to work full time just what works in your circumstances and you didn't hate being a parent at all?".

Doesn't sound very nice, does it?

BitchQueen90 · 09/08/2018 21:17

I am a single parent of one. I stayed at home until DS started school last September. Which meant that I claimed benefits for 3 and a half years. I get judged a lot for that but I'm not particularly bothered, it's 3 years out of a predicted 50 that I'll spend working. I'm glad I did it although we didn't have a lot of money.

I went back to work 16 hours a week initially last September and have now moved into a better paid role doing 20 hours. I am really enjoying being back at work and it's done a lot for my self confidence. I will go back full time eventually and I would never stop working again unless I was independently wealthy. Which is extremely unlikely!

In an ideal world I wouldn't work at all and just volunteer but I need to work to earn a living and I enjoy my job.

NataliaOsipova · 09/08/2018 21:23

...oh - and I'll bite....

In no way I want to offend anyone, this is just one of those questions one has but is afraid to ask.

Has anyone had the MAIN motivation for having another child to prolong time off work, or to pack it in for good? No

Or SAHP is just what works in your circumstances and you didn't hate working at all? Yes. I earned about £200k a year but didn't want my children to be looked after by someone I paid to do it and rarely see me.

What is paid work for you: something essential and developing, or a pain you endure for financial reasons? Something you do because someone will pay you to do it.

If you're a SAHP - what's your partner's take on it? Does he resent it? No - he felt more strongly about it if anything - he always says that you can't pay someone to love your children. He's very pleased with the way we've done things and fully accepts that it's made his life a lot easier as well. In fairness, he always said it was my decision, so he wouldn't have pressured me into staying at home with the kids. But he really values the fact that I have done

Does it imbalance the relationship or not?. That's a fair question. I think I'd say yes - but that it cuts both ways. I'm definitely "in charge" of family matters.

Does he make you feel you're financially dependant? No. I have complete access to all money and it's never questioned.

Ever had negative comments from anyone (friends, family members) about not working? Usually from people who've earned a lot less and paid a hell of a lot less tax than I have over my working life, so I tend to laugh it off.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/08/2018 21:30

@mrspock those aren't the family values I was to instill in my son. A set up where just one person (usually female) does all the menial, household tasks. We do most household stuff during the week - but it's a shared responsibility. Then the majority of the weekend is family time although, sometimes things need doing and DS gets involved but that no bad thing as he's learning about different responsibilites.

MrSpock · 09/08/2018 21:34

those aren't the family values I was to instill in my son. A set up where just one person (usually female) does all the menial, household tasks. We do most household stuff during the week - but it's a shared responsibility. Then the majority of the weekend is family time although, sometimes things need doing and DS gets involved but that no bad thing as he's learning about different responsibilites

It just makes the most sense to specialise. Rather than both people do a half assed job (in our case) it makes sense for him to specialise in one area and me in another. Doing it after work is just exhausting and depressing, at least we find that.

Far easier to have me working few hours or no hours.

Chuggachuggatoottoot · 09/08/2018 21:39

I am a SAHP. My dh is happy with it. He earns a fair bit so we are comfortable.
We have a joint account which I have full access to and he sees us as a partnership and his money as our money.
I am the one who does all school runs etc.
I would like a little something for me and have applied for a little job but for now it has to work around the kids and school times which I'm happy with for now.
Luckily we can afford for me to do this.
I would hate to be forced out to work and leave my dcs if I didn't want to but had to because of needing money. I don't think that's fair on those women

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/08/2018 21:48

@mrspock it's not exhausting or depressing if it's a shared responsibility.

What is depressing is women convincing themselves that 'specialising' in housework is enlightening when the reality is that their husband's either believe it's beneath them, pretend to do a crap job so you won't ask again or just simply can't be arsed.

MrSpock · 09/08/2018 21:50

It is depressing either way. Coming home from work to do chores when you’re tired is the worst feeling, whether it’s a man or woman doing it.

Yeah I don’t think it’s that people’s husbands can’t be arsed and that’s a pretty offensive assumption. it would be like me saying women who work full time with kids are neglectful cold hearted androids.

dammmken · 09/08/2018 21:52

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Birdinthetree · 09/08/2018 21:55

For those parents who find looking after their kids too boring and find domestic tasks to be beneath you, how do you view the people you employ to do these tasks on your behalf?

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/08/2018 21:59

@mrspock you only need to spend two minutes on the relationship board to see numerous posts about husband's that can't be arsed.... personally I think the ' it's beneath me' brigade are far more offensive.

I'd much rather a set up where children get to see both parents taking responsibility for chores.....my son sees daddy do the full range of household and childcare responsibilities which is how it should be.

Btw ....piss poor analogy and attempted jibe.

DieAntword · 09/08/2018 22:04

those aren't the family values I was to instill in my son. A set up where just one person (usually female) does all the menial, household tasks. We do most household stuff during the week - but it's a shared responsibility. Then the majority of the weekend is family time although, sometimes things need doing and DS gets involved but that no bad thing as he's learning about different responsibilites

Tbh - and I fully admit to laziness and low standards - but as a sahm expected to do most menial tasks (my husband will do things though, if I am busy with the kids, stressed, tired or just busy with something else but we acknowledge in the setup I’m the one responsible for it and he’s helping me out) they really don’t take more than an hour a day with all the mod cons.

I find time with 2 under 3 to spend about 6 hours a day just reading webforums/reddit and a couple of hours watching Netflix. I have plenty of time that I could use on all kind of valuable and stimulating pursuits were it not for being lazy.

I mean I’m sure some SAHMs feel guilty and so spend hours getting their houses shimmeringly clean or whatever and it’s a genuine slog for them but I’m pretty low on the conscientiousness scale and I pretty much feel “meh kids will just get it dirty again” about anything but the genuinely unhygienic (pro tip: no eating outside meals or away from the dinner table means easy clean up - better yet take a packed lunch to todder time and then have supper as a picnic in the garden).

And if anyone wants to specifically criticise the SAHM aspect of my laziness - yes I am sure nobody who works spends most of the day surfing the internet or reading stack exchange (protip: use the css for stack overflow on everything else, it looks like you’re researching the solution to a problem).

MrSpock · 09/08/2018 22:06

Not really Blaa. It’s not about either activity being beneath anyone, it’s about doing what works best and utilising your skills.

“How it should be” again moralising and insisting your way of doing it is the right way.

No, it’s exactly the same. Any offensive assumption about SAHP can easily be made about WOHP too.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/08/2018 22:08

@birdinthetree I don't find looking after my child boring. It's both rewarding and challenging. I didn't enjoy maternity leave because I felt incredibly isolated and missed my job which I also find rewarding and challenging. Returning to work was in no way a reflection on my child.

As for how I view the nursery staff that care for them.....they're bloody brilliant and nothing but a positive influence on his life. He's very lucky to have so many people care for him .

I have a cleaner once a month but I don't think housework is beneath me. She just doesn't a deep clean and we keep on top of it in-between. She amazing and runs a successful business in a saturated market.

Does that answer your question?

bourbonbiccy · 09/08/2018 22:11

I am a SAHM, i loved work, and I never thought I would ever be content being a SAHM. I think motherhood changes people in all sorts of ways that they least expect.
I know find the most rewarding role, to be that of a mother, granted my JD would read "working for a very demanding client, who expects you to be on call 24/7, he currently doesn't speak English but is learning and can communicate of a fashion. You will be learning on the job with no training courses to aide you.This role brings with it the highest level of responsibility you will have ever experienced but will reap the biggest rewards that are immeasurable to any other role in existence"

Seriously i see this as the most important role in existence, I decided to bring this little tiny person into the world and I'm responsible for moulding them into a decent and well rounded person. Who will be kind and loving and I want to be there to see his first steps and hear his first words and my husband completed backs any decision I make, and knows out of the 2 of us, my job us far more important than his. But we see eachother as equals and don't have anything to prove to eachother or power we need to assert on eachother.

troodiedoo · 09/08/2018 22:16

@DieAntword I like the cut of your jib and your username.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/08/2018 22:18

@mrspock I'm not insisting my way is best. I've said many times that I respect people's choices.

What I do have an issue with ( and I'll admit to have been influenced by some research I did which had a big impact on me) is the number of women who have almost been coerced into the role of SAHP . I found this a lot with the women I interviewed. On the surface they told me they'd chosen to be SAHP but when we dug deeper the reasoning behind it felt different. The phrase you used about specialising was used frequently - in many cases husbands had convinced women this was the case and women were simply there to facilitate their husbands career. There's a lot more to it but it definitely colours my view at times.

I also found this adherence to traditional gender roles became learnt behaviour in their children.