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Original poster

SAH parenting as a way to shove work

279 replies

BloodyDisgrace · 09/08/2018 10:22

In no way I want to offend anyone, this is just one of those questions one has but is afraid to ask.

Has anyone had the MAIN motivation for having another child to prolong time off work, or to pack it in for good? Or SAHP is just what works in your circumstances and you didn't hate working at all?

What is paid work for you: something essential and developing, or a pain you endure for financial reasons?

If you're a SAHP - what's your partner's take on it? Does he resent it? Does it imbalance the relationship or not? Does he make you feel you're financially dependant? Ever had negative comments from anyone (friends, family members) about not working?

Thank you.

OP posts:
Birdinthetree · 09/08/2018 22:18

BlaaBlaaBlaa I don't know why but I don't believe you.... I think you're glad these people do the jobs you don't want to do because they are beneath you. not stimulating enough, you have more important stuff to do.

MrSpock · 09/08/2018 22:21

is the number of women who have almost been coerced into the role of SAHP . I found this a lot with the women I interviewed. On the surface they told me they'd chosen to be SAHP but when we dug deeper the reasoning behind it felt different. The phrase you used about specialising was used frequently - in many cases husbands had convinced women this was the case and women were simply there to facilitate their husbands career.

This reminds me of the women who claim women who wear makeup are brainwashed by the patriarchy, or women who want children at all are brainwashed by gender roles. When the women themselves are explaining that they chose to?

In our case there’s no coercion going on at all. I actually asked DP if he would be happy being the breadwinner and “looking after” the family financially with bills and paperwork as I bloody hate doing it (I still have to do some of the paperwork stuff and I genuinely detest it). I find it quite patronising people would assume I haven’t made that choice.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/08/2018 22:22

Then you'd be wrong. I don't believe any job is beneath anyone. I'm not sure what's made you think that?

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/08/2018 22:24

@mrspock I didn't say you had been coerced ( and that word is a little strong I'll admit) but I was just trying to explain why I may be coming across the way I am. I interviewed dozens of women on this topic and I was just telling you what came out in those interviews.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/08/2018 22:25

Oh and it was the women themselves that told me this . I'm not inferring meaning. These were direct quotes.

MrSpock · 09/08/2018 22:28

Oh and it was the women themselves that told me this . I'm not inferring meaning. These were direct quotes.

Ah okay, I thought you were assuming it from comments they had made.

I don’t doubt there are SAHP who’d prefer not to be, and I don’t doubt there’s WOHP who’d rather stay home.

Birdinthetree · 09/08/2018 22:30

By the way I have not been coerced into my role. I grew up with a professional working mother - she was brilliant at her job but she was a shit mum, and we always took second place to her career and that was very obvious and hurtful. Dad was better at the balance, more caring - I wanted my dcs to have a SAHP because as a child I desperately missed having a parent who cared about me....we had a genuinely wonderful housekeeper but she wasn't a substitute for my parents - she did not fill the void and try as I might I cannot forgive my parents for them focusing on their careers.

Storm4star · 09/08/2018 22:31

If my life had been different I would have absolutely loved to be a “housewife” and I say that word as to me it is not a deragotry term. I enjoy raising children, cleaning and baking and organising. I would have been more than happy to be in charge of all that if i’d Had a husband who was willing and on a decent amount of money. A friend and I had a conversation about this recently and she said the same.

I had to work because I was a single parent and we needed the money and, now i’m used to it, it’s too hard to give up. Especially as i’m Now single again anyway! But this isn’t the life I wanted.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/08/2018 22:32

That's what my research is on. I'm currently looking at SAHP....many are happy but some aren't and feel forced into a situation that on the surface looks amazing but underneath is not as good as it sounds - it's heartbreaking at times.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 09/08/2018 22:32

Those who don't work- my H of 23 years has left me for younger woman he met at work. I'm lucky I never stopped working so am earning v good salary. ExH was one of those guys that even 2 weeks before he left i would have said he was one of the most decent men on the planet, he'd never shaft us etc etc.......and here we are now being shafted!!!

Please do not rely on DP. Make sure you have your own resources- mentally as well as financially/ physically. Trust me- if my DH an do it, ANYONE can

bourbonbiccy · 09/08/2018 22:36

@BlaaBlaaBlaa if you don't mind me asking, what was the span of your questioning of these women . How many women ? From what age ? From what background ? Headline question for interview ?.

I am always slightly dubious of people studies without full transparency of the interviews/evidence I think if you ( I mean anyone, this is not directly aimed at you ) want a study to prove a point, if you target the right people that outcome will prevail.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/08/2018 22:37

@bird I was suggesting anyone here has been coerced. I was don't outlining some findings from some research that I've done .... unfortunately some women do find themselves in that situation.

Your childhood has obviously had an effect on your decision - and I can understand why. However, don't make the assumption that all working parents are like that. I love my career but one of the reasons I've work so hard is to get myself into a position which means I have the flexibility that's needed when you have a family. I've never missed a show, stay and play, etc and we have so much family time . My son certainly doesn't suffer for our careers.

Birdinthetree · 09/08/2018 22:37

saltandvinegarcrisps1 I agree that relying on your dh is risky but I think ideally we need to be looking at both parents going part time rather than one giving up, I think it's better all round.

MrSpock · 09/08/2018 22:39

That's what my research is on. I'm currently looking at SAHP....many are happy but some aren't and feel forced into a situation that on the surface looks amazing but underneath is not as good as it sounds - it's heartbreaking at times.

No one should be forced into it and I think that’s a shame for those women.

Have you done any research into whether children of SAHP are more likely to be SAHP themselves? I’ve almost copied my mother in my working style (we are alike in many ways, and I don’t know whether is genetic or because she was my main carer) and it would be interesting to know if there’s a link between it.

My mums mum was like me and my mum too (SAHP/PT worker in between), however my mum has two sisters and one is career minded and not maternal at all, the other is somewhere in the middle but is a single mum and so has to work.

Just my anecdotal evidence, I’m curious about it now.

Birdinthetree · 09/08/2018 22:40

Blaa I have heard many similar stories to my own...kids need parents to be around - mine worked long hours, I don't think that's usual.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/08/2018 22:43

@bourbon I'm an academic researcher - its my job. It's currently in analysis stage and being turned into a conference paper then hopefully a journal article. It will be peer reviewed and fits all the required methodological and ethical requirements.....don't worry it's not just some whim of mine!

RomanyRoots · 09/08/2018 22:43

Blah Blah

I totally agree with what you said about children of a sahm having being coerced following the same gender roles.
even though I'm a sahm both dh and I have made sure with all our children that they realise there are no such things as specific roles.
Dh will pull his weight with domestics and was a hands on Dad from the start.
He only managed 2 weeks off as that was all there was back then, but the later dc he did all the night feeds.
I think it's so important especially for those with a sahp to make sure the kids understand why one of you has chosen this path.
I haven't studied it like you but have seen examples in my community.
I used to worry about being a poor role model to dd, but she has it sussed and has decided being a mum isn't for her future. She may change her mind but I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't.

NataliaOsipova · 09/08/2018 22:45

many are happy but some aren't and feel forced into a situation that on the surface looks amazing but underneath is not as good as it sounds - it's heartbreaking at times.

That's just life, though, surely? It's not only pertinent to mothers who look after children. You could say the same about consultant oncologists, headteachers, all parents, you name it.......ad infinitum.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/08/2018 22:45

@bird just because I work doesn't mean I'm not around. My job offers lots of flexibility meaning he gets the benefits of lots of family time coupled with an excellent pre school education.

MrSpock · 09/08/2018 22:45

My son certainly doesn't suffer for our careers.

I’m not saying this will happen at all, but I really really needed my mum around during my childhood. Her being there most nights and days, not just for evenings, made a huge difference to me.

I have ADHD but I wasn’t diagnosed as a child, and ended up with loads of anxiety (that I now know stems from that) and if it wasn’t for the safety net of my mum being around I don’t know how I’d have coped.

Maybe that’s why I’m very supportive of SAHP, because I massively benefited from it.

Of course there’s nothing to say that’ll be the case for everyone.

RomanyRoots · 09/08/2018 22:47

I would be very interested in reading your research when published. Thanks
I taught for a while at the lower levels 1/2 at our local college.
Lots of 16 year olds who had slipped through the net.
Many had been told it was a waste of time getting an education as it wasn't important, they were expected to become mums.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/08/2018 22:47

@mrspock I've not specifically looked at that - this research is deviating from my normal subject slightly! However, from the woman interviewed there was a real mix. Some had actively chose the opposite route.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/08/2018 22:49

@romany thank you! I know exactly what you mean.. I used to be a careers adviser and that's a familiar story!

MrSpock · 09/08/2018 22:50

What is the main topic? Whether women enjoy being SAHP? I’m also interested in this research, I find stuff like this fascinating.

NataliaOsipova · 09/08/2018 22:51

Plus - in this, as in all aspects of life, there are pros and cons to any situation/decision you take. You only get time once and can only be in one place at the time. You also don't ever really know how things would have turned out if you'd done something different with that time. But its human nature (to some extent) to look at things which have gone wrong and think "everything would have been better if I'd done something different" when, in fact, it may or it may not.

If you ask people about the negatives of their situation, they'll tell you. But - in many cases - that doesn't give you the whole picture, or indeed a balanced perspective from even their point of view.....

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