SAH parenting as a way to shove work

[BloodyDisgrace]

In no way I want to offend anyone, this is just one of those questions one has but is afraid to ask.

Has anyone had the MAIN motivation for having another child to prolong time off work, or to pack it in for good? Or SAHP is just what works in your circumstances and you didn't hate working at all?

What is paid work for you: something essential and developing, or a pain you endure for financial reasons?

If you're a SAHP - what's your partner's take on it? Does he resent it? Does it imbalance the relationship or not? Does he make you feel you're financially dependant? Ever had negative comments from anyone (friends, family members) about not working?

Thank you.

I'd already stepped back from working to some extent - I'd gone down the supply teaching route as work-related stress had made me very very ill in the past.

Economically before the kids were school age, and before DH moved around his work roles to one where he has more flexibility to work longer days some days of the week to allow for early finishes other days of the week (so we can manage childcare with just ad hoc school breakfast clubs and DH doing pickups on days I work) - with the way supply teaching had been decimated as a way of earning an income there was no way I could be paying out for a childcare place with no certainty of work to cover that cost. Was totally a united decision for me not to return to work when the kids came along.

Circumstances have changed now as the kids have got older - yes, I'm going to struggle to return somewhat as everything's bloody changed while I've been out of the classroom, but we're now in a position where I can at least make myself available for advance booked supply work a few days a week knowing DH has the ability to finish early to pick up kids and then make the time up working later further on in the week and we can just use breakfast club (which the kids love going to) on the mornings required to do that. That's me going back to work purely because I WANT to and not because of DH pushing me at all - wasn't actually ever intending to go back into the classroom when I left but went in to help with my kids' classes and got the itch to go back into it back again and their school have helped me a load in terms of getting back up to speed with curriculum changes and the like.

Long term I want to go back into the classroom on a perm basis but part time and only in a decent school not one that chews you up and spits you out as a shredded relic of a human being (or I'd take a TA role as well)... I'm prepared to bide my time and get back up to speed and if such a role comes up I'd jump for it.

I dislike the mentality on MN that SAHP are required to "justify" the way their lives work out though. The bills are paid, the kids are fed and happy, the house is tidy (I will never do the show home thing), we take nowt from the state apart from child benefit... we have nothing we need to justify.

I love my work and would do it even if I won the lottery, obviously the other reason I work is for money and I'm glad I do as when our family fell on hard times, my money has kept us afloat which it wouldn't have done if I'd stepped off the ladder years earlier and now got a part-time job. With divorce rates high, and illness/disability a possibility, it makes sense for me anyway to have two people, either of which could step up to be the main provider although we were unlucky that this became a necessity rather than desirable.

That said, I don't think working f/t is necessarily a good idea for anyone! Men or women would benefit from reduced hours (four day week?)

I have also benefited from flexible working hours, not having to be in the office every day, and having my mum do childcare alongside paid providers, so it's fairly obvious why working was the more tempting option. This is not the case for many women and so their choices are more constrained, also some people love the SAH experience (I didn't love it or hate it, just felt a bit detached from everything).

I can't work because an employer would get fed up with my ongoing appointments. I have several on going health issues and so far this week I've attended three appointments. I actually resent my illness because i don't want to be at home, and I get angry with people who can't be arsed to work yet are in good health.

I don't mean to offend anyone, but I don't understand SAHP after kids are school age.

I plan to do this. Basically, I want to be able to organise the house, cook home cooked meals, organise drs appointments, be there to walk them to and from school, be on hand to help out with school events, be able to go to school plays, be able to take the kids out after school, be able to do activities with them etc.

I also grow veg which I would be able to do more of!

I didn't choose to SAH just to avoid work, but if I'd had an enjoyable well-paid job I probably wouldn't have chosen it. So it was a major factor in my decision. My MH is a lot better for not working (I'd had several periods of 6+ months out of work for MH reasons before having DC & quitting).

DH doesn't mind - he earns x3 what I would and enjoys his job (he's gone pro at what was a hobby!). And he likes that I manage all the house and kid stuff, he acknowledges my "job" is hard work too.

I realise we are VERY lucky to have made this choice. And it hasn't always been this way. 12 years ago we were choosing between bus fare and food, and living in a flat that was below 10 degrees indoors in winter as we couldn't afford heating.

I think another good reason not to step off the career ladder is that with service and seniority often comes flexibility. Both me and DH have no issues with attending events , doctor's appointments or taking time off if DS is poorly. We can also work from home which allows us time for cooking and keeping a family house running.

I'm a SAHM currently, loved my job but prefer to spend that time with them, I've got plenty of years left to work but only a few years to spend with DC before they're school aged.

I went back to work (30 hours) when DD1 was 18 months and it definitely wasn't the best choice for her.
We planned DC 2 and 3 as close together as possible to reduce the amount of time off work.

DP doesn't make me feel financially dependent at all, he transfers the majority of his wage into my account which bills, food shop, savings etc come out of.

I mentioned doing a part time evening job once youngest is 12 months recently and he said he thought that was too young and that when he's 2 and a half would be better.
It suits us both really, we don't have to worry about who's looking after the DC or how they're being brought up, I do miss some parts of working but I know I'd miss being home with them at this age much more.

I've done everything in the 15 years since I had my first child - worked FT with nannies, PT with nannies, SAHM with no outside help, and now with four in school, work 2 very short days a week for a wonderful local employer who is very flexible if they are ill etc.

My DH earns a 6 figure salary (as did I until I left my job) but I don't regret giving up my career to be a SAHM. Yes it's hard, it can be boring and lonely sometimes if you let it be, but actually it's an amazing privilege to be at home for your children's formative years, and I loved being able to be at home for them, and learnt a huge amount. DH values what I do (and is always telling me as such) and there is no way he could be as successful as he is without me doing what I do. I didn't love my career enough to stay doing it forever, although my professional qualifications (and the way I used them through volunteering when the children were little) meant that I didn't find it very hard to get a job when I decided it was time to do something that gave me a bit of money.

People will judge you, whatever choices you make. You just have to do what is right for your family and what makes you (and where relevant, your children) happy and healthy. I have so many friends who have high powered careers, and after a few glasses of vino confess that they feel stuck on a treadmill for school fees/big holidays/keeping up with the Joneses or whatever. Yes, if I'd stayed working, we'd have a bigger house and a newer car, but I have four very happy, healthy children at outstandingly good schools and a husband who values what I do and how we work as a team, so it works for us!

My husband is happy for me to be a SAHM but I’m not gonna lie, I hate work and I’m glad to be at home where I’m free to order my day according to my priorities and say whatever I want without worrying about getting fired over it. I find the culture of suppressing dissent in a lot of workplaces (such as on the trans issue for instance) really frightening and I love having the freedom not to worry about self-censoring.

BlaaBlaaBlaa : "I really worry about women who are convinced they will be able to jump back into a successful, well paid career after a break of years.... It's not that easy"

I agree with this. But don't forget some of us have never had that kind of thing in the first place, for various reasons.

I don't mean to offend anyone, but I don't understand SAHP after kids are school age

well, I guess, everyone's different, and their best contribution - financial or domestic - varies. If it's affordable to have a housewife with teens, who'd keep a clean house and make a good healthy mean for the working partner to come back home to, then it's great. And the working partner will have time with family/pure leisure time for hobbies - instead of both mucking in together in egalitarian way to scrub the bog/wash the floors :)

unadventuretime - yep, "successful, well paid career" is something I read in Cosmo. I had a mere job instead ;)

Another thing about working is your pension. Lots of mums lose out on that, and this isn't right. Given how hard it is to have any savings when you have kids, the women in older age, often living longer than their husbands, are bound to be quite poor ...

I only became a SAHM on the proviso that we’d pay into a private pension for me.
Combined with my pre children work pension, my pension is worth as much as DH’s. I also have some investements from my working days.

I don't mean to offend anyone, but I don't understand SAHP after kids are school age

After mine went to school it freed up time for me to pursue my own interests, to come and go as I pleased.
I could spend time with dh, as he was home quite a bit and everything was done for when dc came home.
There seemed to be so much time to get stuff done and lots of free time too.
Mine couldn't have attended half their hobbies had we both been at work as there would have been nobody to get them there. They would have been confined to clubs in our own locality instead of opportunities to join national groups and travel.
It's just a different lifestyle to what others who work experience, not for everybody of course, but nothing difficult to understand, surely.

@LlamaPyjamas I left work after I had a child due to similar reason you listed. I can also relate to being embarrassed to tell anymore I’m a Fulltime Mum at the moment and dread anybody asking. I feel I need to make out I do my previous job parttime at least. There such a stigma isn’t there? I’m hoping to go back to work but still having found suitable hours and it had to be worth my while.

reasons *

anyone* that should say

and haven’t* (dodgy mobile to blame for the typos)

we saved the money we would have spent on childcare and bought properties, they provide an income and can be sold for a pension.
I don't like pension funds as seen too many people lose the lot and end up with state pension only.

Thinkingofausername1 - *I get angry with people who can't be arsed to work yet are in good health"
Perhaps, you shouldn't. Come to think of it, them not working doesn't take anything from you, or their working won't make you MH better. What's the real problem is the big companies not paying tax on their UK profits, and thus robbing us all of billions which can be put in NHS (and for better provision for MH) and benefits.

However, on a more sisterly note, when I worked FT and took an occasional day off (living in a wealthy part of town) I was wondering who the fuck are these people getting a 100quid shop at M&S during the day and who the heck are those who clog all the local beauty salon appointment for waxing and nails so I couldn't get a treat of a massage on the day. So I do get envy, let's admit it.

RomanyRoots - clever! do you have children and mean you worked? Or you are child-free? Property is the thing, and I agree with private pension funds. They go bust. That's why I clung to my civil service job. Ok, 17 years of FT earned me a hefty pension of 7K in 20 years time, if I live. Better than the others, but laughable for some.

PasstheStarmix
LlamaPyjamas

being embarrassed to tell anymore I’m a Fulltime Mum at the moment and dread anybody asking
Please don't. You are doing the JOB. Any sneery fucker can fuck off.
I don't get embarrassed when I'm asked what I do, and I even have much less work than you, being a housewife with no kids. I say "I work from home as a housewife". Once taxi driver said in response "I know what you mean. When my wife was in hospital for 2 weeks, I've realised exactly how much she does ..."

I get angry with people who can't be arsed to work yet are in good health"

I won't say I get cross with people with your attitude because as you are ill I think you have the right to feel as you do.

However, some people are quite happy not to work and with the odd exception of those in a career they love, most would give up work if they won the lottery.
We are all different and have various reasons for working or not.

Way back when I first became a mother there was quite a bit of discussion about being a SAHP of school aged children. The prevailing thought was that it was good for teenagers to have a parent at home as they often need more support than they can articulate. I know someone who had a nanny for her children’s early years but is now a SAHP while they’re high schoolers - taking her career break when more senior. (US based so maternity leave a joke anyway.)

We have 3 dc but 2 are grown up now. No, I didn't work but saved what the childcare costs would be, when we could.
We were very lucky because for a couple of years interest rates were 10% for savings and we had quite a sum by then, so I suppose about 10K was interest and house prices are very cheap where we are.
So we bought cheap, did them up and rent them out.
Some we sold on to begin with and used the profit to invest in another.
When we'd made enough profit we kept the house we bought and then did the same again.
We've been together 30 years though