SAH parenting as a way to shove work

[BloodyDisgrace]

In no way I want to offend anyone, this is just one of those questions one has but is afraid to ask.

Has anyone had the MAIN motivation for having another child to prolong time off work, or to pack it in for good? Or SAHP is just what works in your circumstances and you didn't hate working at all?

What is paid work for you: something essential and developing, or a pain you endure for financial reasons?

If you're a SAHP - what's your partner's take on it? Does he resent it? Does it imbalance the relationship or not? Does he make you feel you're financially dependant? Ever had negative comments from anyone (friends, family members) about not working?

Thank you.

My DH is a SAHP to a great extent because he hates working.

I don't resent it but do occasionally feel quite envious of his position. I would love to give up work if I had the money to do so.

if you were truly looking at it long term then giving up work is not the best option. Yes jobs are there but usually much lower paid.
I was on min wage before I became a SAHM. Long term there will be absolutely no difference for me (and many others in my position) because when we go back to work we can’t possibly be lower paid. We have nothing to lose.

Women with good salaries are more likely to return to work because they have more to lose (more money left in their pocket after childcare). Low paid women are more likely not to go back to work for the same reason - they have less to lose. Basically those who are already disadvantaged become even more disadvantaged.

A friend of mine used to say when she was pregnant that it was her retirement, and she meant it. She then decided that she wanted to move to a different more expensive area, her DH said they could only do it if she went back to work, she agreed...and subsequently got pregnant when their DS was 4 months old. She has and had no intention of going back to work.

Families not impressed because of the pressure in her husband.

I definitely only work for financial reasons. However, that being said, I was with a guy once for a few years that really didn’t want me to work. He earned ok money. We could have survived ok, had some treats etc. But I wanted more out of life, such as being able to travel and spend money on my hobbies so I continued working. If I could be rich and not work that would be ideal! But I couldn’t go without certain things to stay at home.

@llmama nothing to lose?...apart from pension contributions obviously.

I have been a sahm for 19'years.
Did a bit of part time when my youngest was at primary.
My experience of being a sahm was it was difficult.
Three children is exhausting physically and emotionally.
Dh worked long and hard and I did everything else.
Basically husband brought the money in did any outside maintenance and I did all the cooking cleaning etc.
I don't even have a window cleaner.
All meals are cooked from scratch.
There are no holidays and treats are few and far between but I have raised three wonderful well balanced and educated children. That to me is the pay off.
It was tough. Others see you as lazy or privileged. I can assure you I worked hard and gave up lots.

*However
*
I would say I would love to work now and have more money and time with hubby but due to recession and various money issues he will be working as hard now as he did in his twenties we still have a mortgage to pay and grandchildren are on the horizon. I have no doubt the expectation will fall to me to babysit said grandchildren while dd's peruse their career.

When I see my children now and listen to friends whose children seem to have lots of problems I feel being a Sahm was the right thing for me to do.

"I was on min wage before I became a SAHM. Long term there will be absolutely no difference for me (and many others in my position) because when we go back to work we can’t possibly be lower paid"

^^ This, for me.

I was a SAHM for several years, until my DS was about 12. My DH fully supported my decision, we had no financial worries (mortgage paid off) for various reasons I had actually left work and we had travelled for a year before I became pregnant - I was 43, I felt I had achieved a lot in my career and we had moved to a completely different area so I couldn't have gone back to my previous job and as we lived rurally it would have been almost impossible to find anything similar.

No one ever commented on my decision, I was very involved in volunteering and community matters which I much preferred to just being a 'mum' and looking after the house. Although I wasn't paid for my work I felt I contributed a lot more to society than when I just earned a salary.

My DH never made me feel that I was dependent on him - he did more than his 'fair share' of parenting and housework, all finance was jointly shared and I had complete autonomy on what I spent, did 'my own thing' frequently. I made sure all my NI payments were up to date so that my pension was protected (and set up a private pension).

I do actually work (part time) now but I hate the fact that so many people seem to think that their job defines them, there are plenty of people who sound as though they have interesting jobs but are in fact as dull as anything.

IMHO, a housewife isn't a job. By 'housewife', I mean where there's no kids involved/kids have grown up.

If you're in a position whereby you can afford not to work and it works for both of you, then great. Just on a personal level, I wouldn't say that being a housewife is on the same scale as working a 50 hour week...

What is paid work for you: something essential and developing, or a pain you endure for financial reasons?

Neither. I enjoy my chosen career but am not doing it at the moment as I love spending time with my kids more and I believe MY children benefit from having a parent at home for the first 2 years, then they do a couple of days a week at nursery but still with me mainly.

I don’t need to work financially, if I do it’s for my enrichment/the savings pot. DH is with me in that he too believes our kids will do best with one of us at home. The money he makes is family money, we both have equal access. He doesn’t make me feel inadequate at all, he knows he’d be fucked without me basically 💁🏼‍♀️ and if I was working we’d need to pay for childcare which is a looooot, and we both realise that i’m playing an important role in society, even if it’s not paid.

I will work in the future as it’s in my nature to always be doing, but I’m sure he’ll always be the breadwinner as my career is a creative one and not a huge moneymaker. Works for us! I’d much rather spend my life doing fun things like childrearing and my fun job, that’s what I’ve chosen to do where other people have chosen to do other things that work for them.

@llmama nothing to lose?...apart from pension contributions obviously
You get your pension contributions paid until your child is 12 if you’re claiming Child Benefit.

LlamaPyjamas
my inlaws are annoyed about me SAH, especially because DH sister went back to work (they don’t consider that her situation is different because she has a decent career and earns 4x my min wage salary so easily has money left over after paying childcare)

If they are "comfortably retired", i.e. the kind who is going on holidays you and your DP can't afford, paying for the new conservatory, seeing grandkids as some pet hobby rather than regular hard-grind help out, then they can shut the sweet fuck up about it. Some old people can be smug, my god! But if they have a good life not working, they have no right to right to judge another person who doesn't work. Simples.

@llama but you're missing out on the benefit of a workplace pension.

I wouldn’t get a workplace pension anyway. Only good careers offer those, not crap min wage jobs.

All employers are legally required to provide a work place pension.

BlaaBlaa

It depends on the hours, pt min wage and zero hours contracts, I'm afraid not.
There are a lot who are getting away without providing them.
I know of several in my own town.

I get angry with people who can't be arsed to work yet are in good health
Why do you think everyone should be working? I'm not a sahm myself and think it's a very vulnerable position to be in, but don't feel judgemental towards people who don't work if they can afford not to. They're not hurting other people are they?

I am surprised the op asked if working partners feel resentful - why would anyone feel resentful of someone who keeps your house clean, does the shopping, cooks etc. while you pursue your career?!

I am surprised the op asked if working partners feel resentful - why would anyone feel resentful of someone who keeps your house clean, does the shopping, cooks etc. while you pursue your career?!

Because sadly, people undervalue the importance of parenting, housekeeping and family values.

And no, I’m not saying WOHP families don’t have these.

I am surprised the op asked if working partners feel resentful - why would anyone feel resentful of someone who keeps your house clean, does the shopping, cooks etc. while you pursue your career?!

I’m not sure it’s quite so simple. I try very hard not to resent DH but I am envious of him.

prunemerealgood
you'd be shocked how many people think it's a nothing sort of status with you doing very little and letting the side down to boot

I have been lucky (probably by dealing with very nice people) in that I could have been bombed for not wanting kids at all, but no one said anything negative. So I might get immunity from any nasty comments about being a housewife with no kids, and letting the sisterhood down as well. The way I see it, sisterhood is about being compassionate to each other and understanding that everyone is different, and not to be tarnished with the same brush. And if someone would imply that I "let anyone down" by not being in a stressful job I resented, I'd advise them to go and fuck themselves, thank you very much.

Mr Spock - I don’t really understand what you mean by family values. How is that connected to having a SAHP?

I am surprised the op asked if working partners feel resentful

ahh, Comrades and dears ... I had a long term partner (no kids) who said he'd be resentful if I worked 4 days a week instead of 5, when I suggested it after getting a promotion. Like, why should I bum around all day, going to the galleries and exhibitions when he works full time? Some men are resentful. Probably the type who objects to hiring a cleaner ...

Annalogy
Just on a personal level, I wouldn't say that being a housewife is on the same scale as working a 50 hour week

nope, I'd never go as far as suggesting that. 50hour week seems gross to me, I was suffering doing 40. The one certain thing about my personal situation is that I'd never big myself up and make my contribution out to be more than what it is. Simply because I'm not into "achievements" and never felt the need to prove anything to anybody. "live and let live" and be kind to yourself and others
pretty much sums it up

I never considered giving up work, it genuinely didn't even occur to me, it didn't ever occur to me I couldn't do both or that I wouldn't want to.

Financially it was thr right decision, my career took off and we have a much better lifestyle than if I'd given up. Our daughter has also benefited hugely, she's been privately educated throughout, she is very ambitious, and she lived abroad for five years due to my job. She's had some wonderful times, been all round the world with us, and She always had s parent pick her up or drop her off.

Maintaining my financial independence was always something that was a given for me.possibly as I saw my father fuck up many a time and was brought up in poverty because of it. There is no joy in being poor and my approach was if I want it I'll earn it myself

Stay at home mums are now down to 20% and still declining. The reality is now most women work.

Each family has to do what's right for them.

We also have the factor that DD2 has some additional needs - at the moment she has speech therapy appointments, occupational therapy appointments, hospital clinic appointments, paediatrician appointments... and these are not easily rescheduleable (the letters all have nice warnings that if you reschedule twice you'll be discharged off the list - which you're not going to do if you've been waiting a year for an appointment). So we need me to have the flexibility to take days (half day if you're lucky with the time the appointment is and how on-time things are running) to do all of these - and at the moment it's bloody crazy as we've hit the top of the waiting list for everything all at once!

It's not a choice I'm particularly fond of these days - I'd love to be working, but my career had hit the doldrums anyway - so taking the hit is just the way life is at the moment.

I think kids with additional needs are a huge factor behind a lot of women staying as SAHM once school age comes around - the number of appointments at fairly short notice can be pretty horrendous and would try the patience of many employers.