I know my parents are toxic. But I wasn't prepared for this and I don't know what to do.

[kardashianklone]

I'm sorry, this is long. I've tried to put in paragraphs to make it a little less trying. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Any relationship, really. Full on narcissistic mum and enabling dad who are very controlling, petty, spiteful and prone to temper tantrums. I try to have as little to do with them as possible because every single interaction is just horrible and upsetting and nothing positive ever comes from it. I have read 'Toxic Parent's by Susan Forward (amazing book) and they are textbook.

I have tried to tell them how I feel, they don't care or don't listen. And the cycle endlessly repeats itself. I have gone NC before, but them one or the other of them has some serious health related drama and as an only child I am expected to fix all of their problems. They also don't seem to notice when I go NC and just carry on, regardless. We had a horrible Christmas 2017 where they said terrible things (by text) and when I responded back it was just silence. They ignored it, waited a few months, then carried on.

Previous gems include telling me I was a mistake baby but they decided to 'love me in the end', and being told "you should look at yourself and ask what went wrong", that I am "no daughter of theirs" (because I wouldn't use my annual leave to go and run their business whilst they went on holiday), and when Mum faked a heart attack (she'd coughed a bit too hard and strained the muscles around her ribs) that it was my fault for not visiting them enough. Also Mum telling me that she will probably die soon and that again will be my fault.

Late last night, I had a text message out of the blue (they won't call me, email me, and only Dad text messages me. Mum won't answer the phone if I call and won't respond to any of my communications). The message said that this month is their anniversary month (they were married years before I was born), and if I "forget what this means to your mum and dad (he speaks in the 3rd person) we will never speak to you again so try to not be a selfish child. Dad". It's not a joke- that's how they talk. Emotional blackmail, passive aggressive, temper tantrums. The viewing me as a child, not an adult, so it's all about control, the setting ridiculous responses in overblown dramatic fashion...it's so exhausting and distressing.

So now I have a dilemma. On one hand...they've made it easy for me, I would happily never talk to them again. On the other hand, I could just send a card (as I do every year) but I know it won't be enough. It will be, why didn't you send a present, or visit us, or make our day special? (they don't do anything to celebrate it themselves). I also resent being 'forced' to send them a card because of a threat of 'or else'. Once, about 10 years ago, I did forget to send a card, and Mum refused to speak to me for 6 months, and when she did, she called me a slut. So, what should I do? Send a card, not send a card?

NC is tough and hard to adhere to. I stick to a limited convo about mutual relatives, the weather, news headlines and neighbourhood gossip. I never give out personal information about myself or DCs. I never ask after her health either (very very deliberate, it would show I care).

This is called inheritance protection policy

Oh and the fact you can write about the vile text messages here means our recognising what shite they are writing. Reading them and hit delete, it is so so empowering :-)

*...not replying, and (obviously) not sending the card demanded.

Sorry to go against the flow, but I think ghosting or going NC without any explanation is cruel and cowardly, however despicable the recipients. You owe it to yourself and to them, but mainly to yourself, to explain exactly why you don't want to have any further contact. If they won't listen, I would be inclined to send a letter - or at least write the letter, it will be therapeutic even in you don't send it.

You need resolution/closure, one way or another. If you don't say you are going NC, they might assume you have fallen under a bus or something. I personally don't think silence resolves much, whereas communication has a chance, whether the outcome is desired or not. If you just cut them off without saying you are going to or why, it will be as though you are just running away - which you would be - and you won't feel that you have stood up to them, asserted your views, or gain closure.

the very fact that you KNOW what they are and how toxic they are IS PROOF that you will NEVER be a bad parent like they were/are.

Please don't think for a second that you would follow in their footsteps, you know you would never allow a soul to treat your baby the way you were treated by them.

If and when you have kids, the only thing you need to be 100% fixed on is to never allow them access to the child.

AStatelyPleasureDome, with respect, it's apparent from your post that you have not been in this kind of situation. You're basing your advice on the normal rules of communication. With this type of people, they do not - cannot - apply.

The last thing OP needs is to be told that an agonised-over ultima ratio to preserve her sanity is 'cruel and cowardly'.

I have a toxic family member like this - one who has cut me off many times. I've always resumed contact when asked because deep down I always had this hope that she would change or grow or something and be reasonable.

But what I've come to realise is that each time she initiated NC I felt better, but I was still not fully accepting the situation would not change for the better. There was a part of me still holding hope that one day the toxicity and abuse would stop. So I'd agree to speak again once a few months had passed.

I honestly think now that yoyo NC is a sign of delaying grief - grief at accepting what you wanted from that person is never going to happen and they will always treat you badly.

It's really hard to accept but I think it delays the inevitable to keep re-establishing contact. In my situation with the help of a really good psychotherapist, I did some deep grieving for the relationship I had always wanted with the family member. I let that idea of them go. And I maintained and always will maintain NC.

I feel like I have come out of a long long prison sentence. The difference in my life is incredible. Accepting things would never change on a deeper level was core.

I think it's one thing to know logically that your parents will never change and be the decent loving people they should have been to you. But it's another thing to get your heart to accept it - and that's why they are able to guilt you still.

I would ask you to please not send a card.
If you feel you must reply then maybe a "Fine by me" text - but I wouldn't even bother with that.

These people bring nothing positive to your life. Despite your counselling and your reading of the Toxic Parents book, you're still deep in FOG and you need to work your way out of it. Going NC will help; and refusing to accept their blackmailing techniques could be a first step in that.

I'd also recommend you come over to this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3326437-Tell-me-your-narc-dms-most-outrageous-stunts in case you haven't already seen it and see how many women on there have gone on to have their own children, using their narc mothers as a prime example of what not to do when it comes to parenting. This isn't to try and change your mind about having children - just to show you that it is far from a "given" that you would be like your "mother".

(((hugs))) - say no to the shit from your "parents".

I am sure the mumsnet community will come up with lots of good lines, course of action and ideas...

Not really. If you're really strict with enforcing boundaries with consequences you can sometimes get them to pretend to act like civilised people for the length of a visit, but the OP's parents are so unpleasant that there's not even a pretense of a loving family relationship to build from.

OP, I don't know what anniversary present you would get for your parents but I know that the gift they want is the gift of being able to say that once again, you have been a disappointment to them. That is what will make them the happiest. Fuck that, really, you don't deserve to have to put up with one single solitary text message of this shit.

You've said that NC didn't work in the past - do you mean they got in contact anyway, or that your NC didn't change their behaviour? NC won't change their behaviour, probably - you use NC to take yourself out of the abusive (yes, it is abusive) situation, not to get them to stop being abusive people. If they keep contacting you anyway, you block them. Change your phone number or whatever you need to do. If you worry that doing this will "only make them worse", stop worrying - it's true that if you withdraw the arduous emotional labour you've been giving these people your whole life, they will probably be extremely upset. But it is not. your. problem. Block them effectively enough and you will never have any of that blow back onto you, and that is how it should be.

AStatelyPleasureDome I understand why you have gone 'against the flow' but unless you have been in a similar position with narcs/enablers/abusive people you wouldn't appreciate that normal rules of behaviour can't apply.

ANY interaction with people like OP parents IS a victory for them and it will encourage them. the only way to disengage is to be clinical and committed, if you let these people back in a glimmer, they will do so much damage to you, set you back and eat away at your esteem.

There is no possibility of any kind of healthy relationship with people like these. none.

When I came to finally realise and accept that they will never be the parents I long for was a watershed moment. They will NEVER wake and see the light, you will never have the lightbulb moment you hope, where your mum looks you in the eye and apologises for all she is done then everything would be okay.

It isn't ever going to happen, if it was going to it would have happened long before now. This is them, ready to take you down at every opportunity and call their beautiful only child a slut of all things.

It actually beggars belief.

I hope you will have children of your own if you want to, and not because you don't think you can do it because of them. I thought the same, but people tell me I am a lovely mother and I am committed and love my dc unconditionally. I don't have their narc traits at all, because I am me and they are them. We are not the same and never was, never will be.

My dc love me unconditionally, first time in my life I have felt so deeply loved, and now they are older we support each other emotionally. They have fulfilled my life in so many ways. You will care far less for your family when you have your own to nurture (you will always get perhaps an unwanted insight into how truly terrible they have been)

Its a hard situation for you, you can't actually do right whatever you do.

Its a game, and the only way I could find out of it with my family is to stop playing it. When I realised I would never ever ever do the right thing by them, I decided that I'd just do what was right by normal people. Trying to please them wasn't going to get me approval. It then didn't take long to realise that I didn't actually need their approval, I've gotten by without it just fine.

DM went NC with me last year. DF has sporadic contact when DM isn't around. They both occasionally speak to my DC on the phone when DH is around. And I'm happier, far far happier.

FWIW I put off having DC for a while too as I didn't think I'd ever be able to parent decently. I may not be the world's greatest parent, but I'm certainly not the worst. The fact you know what they do shows you're more likely not to do it.

I think its up to you whether you send a card or not. What would make you feel better? If its would feel better to you acknowledging their anniversary then send the card. If you'd honestly feel better never speaking to them again, then block them and move on. Do what you need to for you.

OP - block them on everything, and wait to see how long it takes them to realise.

Luckily, you won't know. Hopefully, by the time they realise that you have taken back control, you will be happily NC and won't give them another thought.

(It can be done - I am NC with my father nearly 30 years, and my toxic sister about 10 years. I don't think of either of them from month to month)

Oh - and who sends an anniversary card to someone else? I only send one to my DH. I don't expect one from anyone else - certainly not from my children!

Is there any reason at all for you to maintain a relationship? Like are they loaded and you'd get a decent inheritance when they finally kick the bucket?!
Even in that case they sound like the types who would rise out of the grave to get you by leaving you £1 and the rest to the cats & dogs home or some wildlife charity - something you know they don't even like.
Plus your age suggests they could be around for a while and they sound utterly intolerable short term, never mind aging long-term.

I think a poster's suggestion of "I accept your offer." is great - I'd add "Now fuck off and don't ever bother me again."
And block them.

Ignore.

And write "No longer in fear, obligation or guilt' somewhere you can see it often.

Well said @anelderly ....love that little saying!

I think you should take the opportunity to be free from them.

But bear in mind that you did effectively go non contact before and it tapered off and now you're back for a second round.

I guess what I'm saying is, if you want to cut all ties consider making it a clean break. Block them, return mail, change phone numbers consider moving etc. I think a cycle of putting up with them, falling out, making up is the worst thing you can do emotionally. Either play along with their nonsense or get rid.

Good luck, my parents weren't ideal either.

OP your post at 13.55 is very sad - I'm so sorry

Block them.

Do nothing until after their special date.

Unblock them and send a text

"I did NOT forget"

Block them one last time and live your life free from them.

You poor thing... they are so used to abusing you and clicking their fingers, it undoubtley made things confused in your own head as to what "normal" is....

You say you have tried to go NC, but NC is removing all means of contact. So if they just contact you after 4 m and you respond that isnt really NC (meant in a kind way). Your post makes me so sad, as they have obviously had a very damaging effect on your life and now are preventing from considering being a mother because of this. This alone should tell you why you need them out of your life.

Only when they are truly gone and removed can you start with therapy, investigating who you are, who values you, and what you want from life. You dont say that Ive seen, if you have a partner or how old you are, so not sure how much support you might have. But just because you are their only child doesnt mean you have to do what they want anymore.

Blood is not thicker than water - make your own life, your own choices, and be kind to you. In doing all the things they want and allowing them to hurt you again and again, you are also hurting yourself. You deserve so much better my love.

It sounds like you’ve tried very hard in the past. Whatever you did for this anniversary, if you snapped into action following the text and organisised some spectacular event, it wouldn’t be enough. Or it would for a short time and then you’d ‘let them down’ again.

I think you know it would be best for you to step away completely but I think you need some good support while you do that: your counsellor, friends, people here.

Good luck.

I don't got one minute think you would ever be like your parents if you had your own children. The fact you are aware of how horrible they are would make you be an amazing mum coz you wouldn't want your children to feel the way you did.
Go NC, forget them and their toxic behaviour. Have the life you want - children included! Don't let them ruin everything.
Good luck op. X

What do you gain from keeping them in your life? To my mind, not a damned thing. Can you think of a good reason to stay in contact? And I mean good for you, not them. Honestly, the only reason I'd put up with it would be if I was in line for a truly massive inheritance, though God knows there's no guarantee of that, especially with narcs!

I wouldn't make any snippy or goady answers to your father's text. Nor would I bother making any kind of announcement or explanation, I'd simply go NC. In other words, ghost them. They're incapable of understand and any type of explanation would simply be turned into a weapon by them to use against you.

They deserve no consideration from you since they've never given you any consideration.

I was always in the middle of my mum and dads arguments growing up and then also with my step-dad.
Its hard when its your family, however now I'm in my 20's and have my own children to worry about I don't tend to batter an eyelid about my dads Strops, If I'm not happy about something I wouldn't think twice about it being the wrong thing to say. If he gives me attitude or treats me like dirt then I have every right to hit back or completely ignore any contact. You're not a reliant child anymore and may have children of your own to worry about so there is no way in hell that you have to put up with anything that upsets you or that you disagree with.

OP, your parents sound horrific!
I'm a firm believer of just because they're your family doesn't mean you have to get on with them or like them as people!
I have only 1 sister who I've finally cut out of my life after many toxic years of her making up every excuse in the book to not put herself out for others or have anything to do with our side of the family. The final straw was her not answering the door to my terminally ill nan when she and her partner and kids were in. Totally unforgivable.
Feel much lighter without all her BS in my life.