I know my parents are toxic. But I wasn't prepared for this and I don't know what to do.

[kardashianklone]

I'm sorry, this is long. I've tried to put in paragraphs to make it a little less trying. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Any relationship, really. Full on narcissistic mum and enabling dad who are very controlling, petty, spiteful and prone to temper tantrums. I try to have as little to do with them as possible because every single interaction is just horrible and upsetting and nothing positive ever comes from it. I have read 'Toxic Parent's by Susan Forward (amazing book) and they are textbook.

I have tried to tell them how I feel, they don't care or don't listen. And the cycle endlessly repeats itself. I have gone NC before, but them one or the other of them has some serious health related drama and as an only child I am expected to fix all of their problems. They also don't seem to notice when I go NC and just carry on, regardless. We had a horrible Christmas 2017 where they said terrible things (by text) and when I responded back it was just silence. They ignored it, waited a few months, then carried on.

Previous gems include telling me I was a mistake baby but they decided to 'love me in the end', and being told "you should look at yourself and ask what went wrong", that I am "no daughter of theirs" (because I wouldn't use my annual leave to go and run their business whilst they went on holiday), and when Mum faked a heart attack (she'd coughed a bit too hard and strained the muscles around her ribs) that it was my fault for not visiting them enough. Also Mum telling me that she will probably die soon and that again will be my fault.

Late last night, I had a text message out of the blue (they won't call me, email me, and only Dad text messages me. Mum won't answer the phone if I call and won't respond to any of my communications). The message said that this month is their anniversary month (they were married years before I was born), and if I "forget what this means to your mum and dad (he speaks in the 3rd person) we will never speak to you again so try to not be a selfish child. Dad". It's not a joke- that's how they talk. Emotional blackmail, passive aggressive, temper tantrums. The viewing me as a child, not an adult, so it's all about control, the setting ridiculous responses in overblown dramatic fashion...it's so exhausting and distressing.

So now I have a dilemma. On one hand...they've made it easy for me, I would happily never talk to them again. On the other hand, I could just send a card (as I do every year) but I know it won't be enough. It will be, why didn't you send a present, or visit us, or make our day special? (they don't do anything to celebrate it themselves). I also resent being 'forced' to send them a card because of a threat of 'or else'. Once, about 10 years ago, I did forget to send a card, and Mum refused to speak to me for 6 months, and when she did, she called me a slut. So, what should I do? Send a card, not send a card?

OP you say you’ve read up on their types and been through counselling, but you still take the bait every time they throw out a line? You know there’s no point at which a true narcissist has a lightbulb switch on and becomes the person you always hoped, right? You know they don’t start giving you the relationship you need because you put in the work and deserve it, right?

So what’s the point of you continuing to try to please them, impress them, beg them? Are you determined to help them ruin what’s left of your life?

NC is a serious, permanent state of affairs. You can’t really just try it a bit and hope it sticks, or do it like a little holiday from them every so often. It’s not meant to push them into missing you and improving their behaviour. It’s to free you from contact so you can begin a new free life. It matters not one bit if they notice, care, beg, contact you or not.

Use your research skills to find the techniques that you can implement. Then put them in place calmly and forever. If you know you still want to help them when there are medical emergencies, then figure out what you will and won’t do for them and stick to it. Tell them or don’t tell them. You are not 12, whatever they’ve convinced you.

Frankly I think a new counsellor might be in order, someone who can assist you with setting firm boundaries. Not the kind who just lets you talk and sympathises. It’s a shitty situation, but you’ll find the strength to make real change if you go looking and stick to your guns. Good luck. Look forward to hearing your positive update when you’ve made it out the other side of this.

You need to go properly NC block them in everything move house yes they will die, get ill, you won't know but you get used to that future reality, you grieve for the parents you should have had. I am worried how I will feel when mine pop their clogs but I know the sadness etc will be nowhere near as bad as having them in my life in the meantime- they make me ill, end of.

What your parents do is extremely cruel. They don't see you as their daughter, but as a toy. And they will continue to mistreat you until the day they die.

Please be kind to yourself and cut them off. And I know you said you have had counselling, but I would be getting some heavy-duty therapy to deal with this. Your parents have been, and are, abusers.

OP, would it help you to name their behaviour as abusive, in your own mind? If they physically assaulted you, you would have no qualms about cutting them out of your life.

Every time you interact it triggers more of the same. They will never change. Go over what you learned from your counselling, and do as everyone says, block or change contact details, and consider moving if your father is likely to come to your home. Disappearing from their lives will annoy them as your mum in particular will not be able to control you through your dad. This is what they get for being crap parents, frankly.

Are there any relatives who would be likely to side with your parents, because you may need to go no or low contact with them too.

I have the same situation, and as much as I am trying it is very very hard to go nc. I admit I have had such low points, and I am in therapy because of my parents now. We are working on ways to deal with them, my feelings and the past.

I would recommend you go back into therapy for support, and have that back up and fall back that we sometimes need.

You can send a card, it won't be enough, you could hire London Orchestra and it will be 'disappointing' in some way, they will find a way to undermine and ruin whatever you do.

As other posts have stated, you are their oxygen, take yourself out of the equation and it will stop (yes it will restart again) but you can go low contact as I have done. I just send things through the post and wish them well, I don't see my parents anymore (this was harder than I making it sound) I don't want to lie and say I have found it liberating and joyful. It was agony at times, and sometimes I feel better, sometimes worse. What I don't feel anymore is judged and under pressure, I don't feel I have to be something other than who I am to please them. It is early days, and things have got easier.

Have you friends and an oh to provide support?

Be your own best friend and parent, start learning to care for yourself and place red lines and boundaries to protect yourself from them.

Your parents bring you nothing but sadness and grief, I would limit time with them as much as you feel possible, get some RL support and therapy in place and at some point you will really will feel stronger. It is a long journey I know that much... and for you

I found this book helpful in dealing with narcissistic mother - 'You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother' Danu Morrigan. Helped me to go NC with more confidence

Do not send them anything. It just gives them the green light to further abuse you. Radio silence from you needs to be maintained.

It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist and women like your mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them. He is really her hatchet man here sent in also by her to do her bidding. He is also as likely to be as narcissistic as she is too.

You have been trained by these toxic twosome to put them first at your overall expense; no contact is now your way forward because its your line in the sand. By doing that you are saying no more to being abused, self preservation is necessary here. No contact is precisely that; no response from you at all to anything or any communications. What they may do as well going forward is to enlist the flying monkeys i.e. easily manipulated and otherwise fooled people/other relatives into doing their work for them. You may come under pressure from such people to restart relations; do not fall for it. They are not interested in hearing your side of things so their opinion should be ignored. You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, your abusive parents are no different.

You ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had, not the one you actually got. Find a new counsellor also to work with and interview them at length before committing, treat this like you would a job interview. You need to find someone who fits in with your approach as well as someone well versed in the ways of narcissistic family structures.

Do read the Out of the FOG website too.

I would also consider posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages and read "Children of the Self Absorbed" by Nina W Brown.

A certified clinical psychologist might be better than a counsellor, they can offer you treatment such as CBT etc that can help you, as well as listening to you.

I would second the post that said you must decide what if anything you are going to do for them. You must not be instructed to buy anniversary presents, who the hell do they think they are?? They sound awful, truly awful.
Whether you send cards at christmas or presents or just disappear at that time of year. What you will do in an emergency (if anything) and how much you want them in your life, and then follow through. You may find it easier to cut all contact and change your number, or have something in between. It is your boundaries and the one rule that would be helpful, if you are feeling hurt/angry or upset at any time then you deal with it, whatever has made you feel that way has to go as well.

Just because they are your parents, this does not give them carte blanche to totally ruin your life and confidence.

It is your life, look after it with everything you have. They don't own you, you own you.

reply with something like "perfect. you won't even be getting a card. I would say it has been a pleasure knowing you but I would by lying." engage with your counsellor and block them. it will be hard but for your own mental well being cut them out of your life. they do not sound like good people.

I also have similar parents. I would either send a card then drop contact or drop contact immediately. They sound horrible. Poor you OP.

CBT as a therapy may well not help here sadly. I would ask about this subject of therapy on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread.

Anything sent by you is a response and to such disordered people that is the reward because they know they have you then. Do not send them anything.

that's funny rb68.

Seriously OP I could have written your post. I've not heard from mine for two years after fairly spectacular poor behaviour while they visited me. I'm enjoying the peace. It's taken two years to come to terms with grieving for the parents I should/might have had. But you can't put up with this nonsense. It's not healthy, nor are they.

I so wish that I had the courage to break the cycle with my Mother. Like you, I had opportunities but guilt made me keep going back. I was her whipping boy for 60 years. At 55 she remarried and then there were two of them. She tormented me until she died at 95 and even then I had the care of husband who was just as bad.

Reply: I’m not sure you two being married has done me any favours actually, you will have to celebrate without me.
Then go nc.

That text is horrible and I am glad you are stopping to consider the possibilities and decide how to continue, possibly ownto break the cycle. As others I would advise to contact informing you need to be away from their nastiness. I know this is easier said than done. What has prompted you to keep communicating with them all these years?

You are never going to please them; any celebration you organise won’t be good enough because they don’t like the venue/you forgot to invite xxx/it’s raining, or whatever. If you can’t please them do what pleases you. Cutting them off will be hard, but surely easier than putting up with all the crap and hurt they’ve heaped upon you over the years💐

Oh god they sound awful OP . They should never have been parents .

You would be so much better off without them . So sorry, as you yourself sound a lovely person .

They're abusive.

Their abuse will only stop when you remove yourself from their lives.

You already know you can't win. There is nothing on this earth you could do that would get a better outcome, that would make them behave like decent human beings. Nothing whatsoever.

Guilt isn't a good reason to put up with being abused.

No contact should be permanent.

I know it's not easy, but the guilt eases the longer you go without them manipulating and harassing you until the day you realise you finally have peace in your life.

OP, you tried low contact and it hasn't worked. Go no contact, and after a time you will recover from the guilt and gain peace of mind.

I feel for you as my parents are similar.
Really the only way to save yourself is to cut all contact. Do not get drawn in by their health woes or anything else.
I know that it is easier said than done but really it's your only option to remove yourself from harm.

As a PP mentioned, if there's a potential inheritance involved you may need to do the minimum through gritted teeth and keep reminding yourself it's them not you.

Otherwise, Omgineedanamechange's response followed by rigorous blocking is just perfect.

You've been coping with this for a long time, so you don't need me to tell you that there is no happy ending here. That's actually quite freeing though, because it means that you only have to worry about what gives you the greatest peace.

Think about the three options (make a huge fuss with presents and cards etc, send a card, send nothing). Which of these makes you feel the most peaceful? I think I'd go for the last one (and I have similar parents so I do speak from experience) but for once this isn't about anyone else, it's about you and what feels best to you.

These people are never going to be the parents you need or want. And that's tough to deal with. They are inherently wanting something impossible from you, and then they change the boundaries.
If you can cut contact then do it.

If you can't cut contact just do the grey rock at them if you have to visit or endure a call. Answer text messages with 'ok'.

Wishing you luck.

I really hope you can get these people out of your life OP.

You don't say whether you are a parent or not...but I wonder if you aren't, and therefore can't realise how utterly wrong their behaviour is.

I am a parent, and I would genuinely prefer my child go no contact with me than experience abuse from me like this.

You don't owe them anything. Really you don't.