I know my parents are toxic. But I wasn't prepared for this and I don't know what to do.

[kardashianklone]

I'm sorry, this is long. I've tried to put in paragraphs to make it a little less trying. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Any relationship, really. Full on narcissistic mum and enabling dad who are very controlling, petty, spiteful and prone to temper tantrums. I try to have as little to do with them as possible because every single interaction is just horrible and upsetting and nothing positive ever comes from it. I have read 'Toxic Parent's by Susan Forward (amazing book) and they are textbook.

I have tried to tell them how I feel, they don't care or don't listen. And the cycle endlessly repeats itself. I have gone NC before, but them one or the other of them has some serious health related drama and as an only child I am expected to fix all of their problems. They also don't seem to notice when I go NC and just carry on, regardless. We had a horrible Christmas 2017 where they said terrible things (by text) and when I responded back it was just silence. They ignored it, waited a few months, then carried on.

Previous gems include telling me I was a mistake baby but they decided to 'love me in the end', and being told "you should look at yourself and ask what went wrong", that I am "no daughter of theirs" (because I wouldn't use my annual leave to go and run their business whilst they went on holiday), and when Mum faked a heart attack (she'd coughed a bit too hard and strained the muscles around her ribs) that it was my fault for not visiting them enough. Also Mum telling me that she will probably die soon and that again will be my fault.

Late last night, I had a text message out of the blue (they won't call me, email me, and only Dad text messages me. Mum won't answer the phone if I call and won't respond to any of my communications). The message said that this month is their anniversary month (they were married years before I was born), and if I "forget what this means to your mum and dad (he speaks in the 3rd person) we will never speak to you again so try to not be a selfish child. Dad". It's not a joke- that's how they talk. Emotional blackmail, passive aggressive, temper tantrums. The viewing me as a child, not an adult, so it's all about control, the setting ridiculous responses in overblown dramatic fashion...it's so exhausting and distressing.

So now I have a dilemma. On one hand...they've made it easy for me, I would happily never talk to them again. On the other hand, I could just send a card (as I do every year) but I know it won't be enough. It will be, why didn't you send a present, or visit us, or make our day special? (they don't do anything to celebrate it themselves). I also resent being 'forced' to send them a card because of a threat of 'or else'. Once, about 10 years ago, I did forget to send a card, and Mum refused to speak to me for 6 months, and when she did, she called me a slut. So, what should I do? Send a card, not send a card?

I think @mineisarossini speaks from tough experience and I would agree with her approach. Just send a card by post, wish them well......and then don't do any direct contact by phone etc, consider blocking. That way you will always know that you've done the right thing but equally you're not making yourself available as some kind of punching bag. Don't be instructed by them anymore, just do what you want when you want. Take the moral high ground.
Really I find it so very sad and counter intuitive that any parent would deliberately set out over and over again to raise their offsprings blood pressure in this way. They're awful people OP. You are amazing to be sane.

In the circumstances you describe nothing on earth would induce me to send a card.

first of all i would send a reply saying i didnt forget i just dont plan on sending anything, i am now an adult and i do not need to run to your every demand, all my life you have treated me like a child well im afraid it stops here, i was a mistake remember so im now not making the mistake of being in your life any longer than needed. please dont try and get in touch again as your number is blocked or i have a new number im not interested any more, im enjoying my life much better with yous not in it. then go and enjoy your life be happy

Unfortunately if OP sends a card it will not be enough and will again trigger a further response from her parents like that stated in OPs initial post. Any form of contact between the OP and her abusive parents makes her remain their emotional punchbag.

This is your get-out-of-jail-free card. Use it.

For those asking, no, I'm not a parent. I couldn't bear to, in case I turn out to be the same kind of mother as my own, and I wouldn't want to do that to someone. I would rather be childless than turn into her and inflict it on my own child. I'm also not sure what 'normal' is, and because my normal is my mother's normal, I'm worried I would default to how she parented without realizing I was causing damage. It's one of the reasons I read mumsnet, because I can't create a parent/child relationship dynamic for myself, so I find it helpful to see how other people do it. And also, because I appreciate the collective wisdom of the people on here. I've spent so long looking after myself and making my own decisions (I went to boarding school at 4) that some times it is a relief to have other people advise me.

Sorry, haven't RTFT but these two sentences leapt out at me:

I have tried to tell them how I feel, they don't care or don't listen.

if I "forget what this means to your mum and dad (he speaks in the 3rd person) we will never speak to you again so try to not be a selfish child. Dad".

Ignore or send a goady "don't make threats unless you are prepared to carry through", block, go NC.

Hi @kardashianklone , I'm sorry you are having such a horrible time with your parents, they sound awful.

You deserve to be happy and your father has given you the perfect opportunity right now to just walk away. I would implore you to take it. Don't worry about them, after all they have each other.

I recently have gone NC with my emotionally abusive, alcoholic, narcissistic mother, who in recent years had taken to gaslighting me and my family about past abuse and events. I completely understand how hard a decision to go NC can be especially when you feel a burden of being the only family member). In my case I had to outline that I was making a choice to go NC until she could demonstrate a change in her behaviour - she didn't even bother replying. I can honestly say I feel much happier, like a weight has been lifted. She has made her choices and now I am an adult myself I can recognise how those choices were hers to make and not forced on her by anyone. This is the same for your parents, they chose to keep their baby and then decided to emotionally cripple that baby, that is wrong, and is all about them as people and nothing to do with you as a person. Good luck I know this will not be easy, but just stay strong! X

Boarding school at 4? Bloody hell, your parents are horrid.
I understand how torn you feel and am glad you have had counselling. It was counselling (and mumsnet to a degree) that helped me go n/c with my identical twin. I really recommend it, ,you can become the person you want to be, the person you truly are inside, instead of being the wee downtrodden person they think you should be.
Its so hard but very liberating.
Good luck

I’d reply with

‘Kardashian thanks you for the text, and she understands that Mum & Dad won’t ever talk to her again if she forgets what the anniversary means to Mum & Dad’

Then do absolutely nothing and ignore from there on in, regardless of health scares, family emergencies or anything bar a nuclear explosion.

Then do absolutely nothing and ignore from there on in, regardless of health scares, family emergencies or anything bar a nuclear explosion.

No - ignore even in the event of a nuclear explosion.

Go NC and change your phone number. Harsh but you need to protect yourself.

OP - I'm sure you are terribly scarred by this long term emotional abuse and can understand your own decision to avoid parenthood. However, i firmly believe that it is very possible for offspring to make fresh resolutions and belief systems around their own desired parenting style. My parents were uber competitive - bragged a lot, put a lot of pressure on me academically, worried about what all the neighbour's thought. I couldn't wait to fly the nest and escape, sadly. I have learnt from this. I do not ever do FB posts about my DC's progress, I try very hard not to put them on any kind of achievement pedestal.....because I hated my parents doing this and pitching me against my DS, who I still struggle with decades later. Have faith that once the dust settles, you will set your own standards and values around good parenthood.

Just block them in all communications, change your number and get on with your life

My gran was like this and her relationship with my mum (her only child) was at best horribly stormy. She'd take offence at the slightest thing and then stop speaking to my mum for long periods. My mum was always the one to make peace (normally after my grandad begged her to). My grandparents moved to the small village we lived in when we were kids and told all the locals how terrible my mum was. Old women would stop my mum in the street to ask her how she could be so cruel to her own mother - it was always my gran causing the issues and doing the ignoring. We had a very peaceful few years after my grandad died and my gran fell out with my mum (over some curtains I think - 10 years of non speaking because my mum bought curtains for her own house without consulting my gran). Then my gran got ill and my mum sorted out her care and so on. She felt conflicted and guilty to the end and my gran never changed. She lost the ability to speak but she could still look mean!

It is very tough to go NC with your own parents but in this case I think it is best to cut ties now. Don't reply, block number and email addresses and then try to forget they ever existed. It is them causing this not you.

So, what should I do? Send a card, not send a card?

Why are you letting them set the agenda?
Laugh at their ridiculousness and don't give it another moment's thought. Move on.

Holy moly they sound horrible. I think others are correct in that you won't be able to win here if you engage with them. I've a toxic relative and even if I stick to banal conversation at an unavoidable family do my face won't be expressing the right emotion and that will upset them (they're batshit)...

Bear with me on this - War Games was an 80s movie about a kid who nearly started WW3 by accidentally hacking the government computers. At the end of the movie he changes the "game" to tic tac toe / noughts and crosses, because it always ends in a draw e.g. crisis averted. I remember the line when the computer has played a million games against itself and it realises...

The only way to win is not to play.

The only way you will find comparable peace is through no contact. Yes it'll feel shite but if you send a card they'll have expected a present. The present will be the wrong one. And so it goes on. They're batshit. There's no reasoning with people like that. I'm sorry you've had to put up with them, must have taken a lot of courage to generate your boundaries. They're important boundaries - reinforce them x

Oh OP there's nothing passive about that aggression. They've treated you appallingly and you've done a fantastic job so far of recognising their awfulness and dealing with some of the effects of that. I think you probably do know what you want to do and will require some bravery to fully implement it. Good luck op, you deserve a happy, peaceful future.

They sounds awful. Cut them out.

Don't let them put you off having children if you want them. You're awareness of what is wrong with your childhood will help. I have kids and find it hard to believe my parents sent me to boarding school! They are not like yours but they are pretty selfish in a lot of ways. I am parenting very differently and they are now being the perfect grandparents (not quite sure why they couldn't manage that as parents)!!

*Your

Boarding school at 4? You poor love :( And I bet you'd make a smashing mum. I know plenty with nightmare Mums who do.

Ignore them - get on with your life - and go NC.

Best of luck to you.

OP if it helps at all my own childhood was pretty bad, I don't want to go into it but social services were involved and I vowed never to have kids. I was terrified when I got pg with dd1

I can honestly say I've been a loving, committed mum. My daughters are amazing. It healed me. Good luck xx

Remove them from your life.

Period.

From experience:

They're pulling your chain to see if you will still obey, in the firm expectation that this sort of talk from them will get to you and you will. If you don't, they will be furious and may well ramp it up (in fact this is part of the up-ramping), but one strand of their power over you will be broken.

There is nothing for you in continuing to interact. You will never come away from any interaction with them with the sense of being heard, because they cannot (= will not) hear you and understand you as a human being.

You are your own person, charged with taking care of and nourishing yourself, and not their object. Taking care of yourself means not replying. It will probably feel horrible and frightening, and you will spend some dreadful moments wondering what is coming, but there is a thing the Germans say which fits this situation (I'll translate roughly) - 'better a horrible ending than a never-ending horror'.

Much as i ADORE AF's advice - a card with FUCK OFF - Atilla is right as usual

Take the opportunity to go NC, embrace it and never look back. block them in every way you can and live the life you deserve - a peaceful one without them in it.

ANY TIME you feel wobbly about this decision - because it's extremely likely that you will - please just come back and we will remind you what life is like without the FOG they have conditioned you to live with.

I'm pretty much NC with mine too, and my life is better for it.

Of course it's sad, it really is, but this is a REACTION to THEIR ACTIONS. You don't have to keep going back for more and more and more of the crap they have dealt you.

You have suffered enough