I know my parents are toxic. But I wasn't prepared for this and I don't know what to do.

[kardashianklone]

I'm sorry, this is long. I've tried to put in paragraphs to make it a little less trying. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Any relationship, really. Full on narcissistic mum and enabling dad who are very controlling, petty, spiteful and prone to temper tantrums. I try to have as little to do with them as possible because every single interaction is just horrible and upsetting and nothing positive ever comes from it. I have read 'Toxic Parent's by Susan Forward (amazing book) and they are textbook.

I have tried to tell them how I feel, they don't care or don't listen. And the cycle endlessly repeats itself. I have gone NC before, but them one or the other of them has some serious health related drama and as an only child I am expected to fix all of their problems. They also don't seem to notice when I go NC and just carry on, regardless. We had a horrible Christmas 2017 where they said terrible things (by text) and when I responded back it was just silence. They ignored it, waited a few months, then carried on.

Previous gems include telling me I was a mistake baby but they decided to 'love me in the end', and being told "you should look at yourself and ask what went wrong", that I am "no daughter of theirs" (because I wouldn't use my annual leave to go and run their business whilst they went on holiday), and when Mum faked a heart attack (she'd coughed a bit too hard and strained the muscles around her ribs) that it was my fault for not visiting them enough. Also Mum telling me that she will probably die soon and that again will be my fault.

Late last night, I had a text message out of the blue (they won't call me, email me, and only Dad text messages me. Mum won't answer the phone if I call and won't respond to any of my communications). The message said that this month is their anniversary month (they were married years before I was born), and if I "forget what this means to your mum and dad (he speaks in the 3rd person) we will never speak to you again so try to not be a selfish child. Dad". It's not a joke- that's how they talk. Emotional blackmail, passive aggressive, temper tantrums. The viewing me as a child, not an adult, so it's all about control, the setting ridiculous responses in overblown dramatic fashion...it's so exhausting and distressing.

So now I have a dilemma. On one hand...they've made it easy for me, I would happily never talk to them again. On the other hand, I could just send a card (as I do every year) but I know it won't be enough. It will be, why didn't you send a present, or visit us, or make our day special? (they don't do anything to celebrate it themselves). I also resent being 'forced' to send them a card because of a threat of 'or else'. Once, about 10 years ago, I did forget to send a card, and Mum refused to speak to me for 6 months, and when she did, she called me a slut. So, what should I do? Send a card, not send a card?

@redsaidbread Your situation sounds so similar to mine! It's like a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. My parents still have contact with my sister even after she's spoken to them like crap.

Really sorry you're going through this OP.

It's absolutely nothing compared to your story, but my Grandparents are narcissists (we stayed with them a lot whilst growing up and they were very much like parental figures in our lives) and the only thing I found gave me freedom was making the decision to have no contact on my own. It's the best thing I ever did. I still see them very occasionally when other family are around, but a) no way will I see them on my own as they really know just how to push my buttons and upset me in ways no one else can, and b) they're extremely elderly and frail now, which seems to have made them lose their sting.

You deserve better than this, and from your op you sound extremely strong. Cut them out

It's tempting to suggest a reply saying "I am neither selfish nor a child... Goodbye", but I don't have the experience of going nc with narc parents like many others on the thread.

I definitely agree that you should go NC with them, they sound really horrible. And I want to echo what AttilaTheMeerkat has said, that you should post on the 'Stately Homes' thread on the Relationships board. It's a great source of support for those of us who have grown up in toxic families.

" if I "forget what this means to your mum and dad (he speaks in the 3rd person) we will never speak to you again so try to not be a selfish child. Dad"

pff I would honestly say, 'bring it on daddio'.

You sound lovely and normal btw.

OP, I truly sympathise. I got lucky (in a sense) in that my own very challenging mother died 4 years ago; I am confident that I would have had to put up with endless BS if she had lived. I am also very glad my DC didn't have to go through that.

Another one here who found having her own children to be weirdly therapeutic and healing - there are times when it's like giving your younger self a hug and catching up on some of the love you missed. I recommend it

You have three choices:

1. keep dancing to their tune, and you will always not be good enough

2. take him at his word and don't get in contact.

3. Put some boundaries in place. It works for some tantrumming parents (and they are tantrumming). First there's a giant storm then they reluctantly abide by the new rules. Have to say though given the sound of your parents, there's a very high chance that they will cut you off.

It really, really hurts when you have to deal with this with parents. It can get better, but you need to steel yourself to deal with the chance of losing them. From the outside, and being NC for long periods with my parents, it's far better for your sense of self-esteem and effectiveness to not have destructive people in your life. But it can be a long hard tear-strewn journey getting to that point, and sometimes it gets to the point where it's either knuckle under or go downhill fast, or walk away.

My lovely friend had a mother like this, and a father who enabled it. When the mother died my friend said she felt guilt at not feeling sadness, only relief. I told her it was a reflection of how the mother had made her feel.

She’s a great mum herself. She makes a conscious effort to be the opposite of her own mother.

People like this don’t change. The only thing you can change is your response.

OMG. My heart goes out to your 4yo self. Shame on your parents really. Shame on them.

NC is the only way to go. They seem to make it easy by ignoring you for a few months and then pretend nothing's wrong. So theoretically when they pretend everything's hunky dory, you can respond with a fuck off, block, and that'll be them sorted for the next 6 months.

But seriously, I do think for your own mental health you have to end this cycle. Be prepared for the flying monkeys and health scares. Steel yourself to get through each day. Promise yourself a year of NC. A year from now, you'll be so glad you started today.

And finally, I think you'd make an excellent mother because you've got a perfect example of what NOT to do. Plus you're self aware and more sensitive to what the needs of a child might be.

Don't let your parents hold you back any longer, on any level.

You know the only thing you owe them? Your own happiness. Please don't send a card, block them in every way possible, please live your own life and stop allowing them to make you miserable.

You are not your mother, you will not be anything like your mother as a parent. The fact that you are considering the emotional wellbeing of hypothetical children proves it.

I've found that having a nightmare toxic mother was hugely helpful in deciding how to bring up my own children. You pretty much just do the opposite of what was done/said to you. You remember the child you were and let her decide.

You're aware of the risk, and you can take steps to avoid being like your mother. I had Rici

Sorry, I meant to say, I had toxic parents as well. Sometimes, I can hear myself sounding like my mum and I can take steps to change the way I relate to my DDs. If anything, the fact you're thinking about it means you can be a great mum, if that's what you want.

'On one hand...they've made it easy for me, I would happily never talk to them again.'

Go with this. They are pigs. What you wrote about them is despicable. Stop trying to explain how you feel - you've read the book, it is pointless. Cut them off. Narcissistic people and their enabler need drama. Just nothing then. Horrid people!

Block them no message nothing.
I’ve had to that with a family member and it’s much better . I’ll not speak to said family member until I get a apology , hell will freeze over first but can quite happily live the rest of my days without upset so not bothered .

OP they sound like cunts.

NC is what I would do if I were you. Block and ignore.

And yes get some counselling for yourself.

I agree. Block them from all phones, don’t engage in any way and don’t send a card. Ignore any further communications.

Some people are terrible bullies. They bully everyone around them including their own dc. They don’t care how you feel, they never will, and critically that’s what you need to accept. Cut them totally off and never go back on it. Don’t bother informing them.

You would make a nice mum so if you want kids, have them. You don’t need good mum behaviour modelled to you to achieve it. One of the most doting fathers I know had an abusive father from hell. He knows exactly how not to do it!

@Kardashianklone - you received the text late last night. Have you replied? If not, that’s a reply in itself. You could now simply block their number and on email too.

send your dad a condolence card & then enjoy your drama free life 😁

They'll never change. Leave now. My dad is the same and I feel like a child around him too. Hate it if he tries to talk to me. He's fab with my kids though! Not gone NC but I keep contact to a minimum.

Tons of great advise here OP, just wanted to say you sound lovely, thoughtful and levelheaded. I hope whatever you decide never brings you the peace and happiness you deserve x

What you decide next not never!!

You can't just block them you need to change your number. You also need to look at joint associations on social media.