I know my parents are toxic. But I wasn't prepared for this and I don't know what to do.

[kardashianklone]

I'm sorry, this is long. I've tried to put in paragraphs to make it a little less trying. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Any relationship, really. Full on narcissistic mum and enabling dad who are very controlling, petty, spiteful and prone to temper tantrums. I try to have as little to do with them as possible because every single interaction is just horrible and upsetting and nothing positive ever comes from it. I have read 'Toxic Parent's by Susan Forward (amazing book) and they are textbook.

I have tried to tell them how I feel, they don't care or don't listen. And the cycle endlessly repeats itself. I have gone NC before, but them one or the other of them has some serious health related drama and as an only child I am expected to fix all of their problems. They also don't seem to notice when I go NC and just carry on, regardless. We had a horrible Christmas 2017 where they said terrible things (by text) and when I responded back it was just silence. They ignored it, waited a few months, then carried on.

Previous gems include telling me I was a mistake baby but they decided to 'love me in the end', and being told "you should look at yourself and ask what went wrong", that I am "no daughter of theirs" (because I wouldn't use my annual leave to go and run their business whilst they went on holiday), and when Mum faked a heart attack (she'd coughed a bit too hard and strained the muscles around her ribs) that it was my fault for not visiting them enough. Also Mum telling me that she will probably die soon and that again will be my fault.

Late last night, I had a text message out of the blue (they won't call me, email me, and only Dad text messages me. Mum won't answer the phone if I call and won't respond to any of my communications). The message said that this month is their anniversary month (they were married years before I was born), and if I "forget what this means to your mum and dad (he speaks in the 3rd person) we will never speak to you again so try to not be a selfish child. Dad". It's not a joke- that's how they talk. Emotional blackmail, passive aggressive, temper tantrums. The viewing me as a child, not an adult, so it's all about control, the setting ridiculous responses in overblown dramatic fashion...it's so exhausting and distressing.

So now I have a dilemma. On one hand...they've made it easy for me, I would happily never talk to them again. On the other hand, I could just send a card (as I do every year) but I know it won't be enough. It will be, why didn't you send a present, or visit us, or make our day special? (they don't do anything to celebrate it themselves). I also resent being 'forced' to send them a card because of a threat of 'or else'. Once, about 10 years ago, I did forget to send a card, and Mum refused to speak to me for 6 months, and when she did, she called me a slut. So, what should I do? Send a card, not send a card?

Send them a sympathy card, to announce the death of your relationship with them.

You say 'or else'

What is the 'else'? What is the worst they could do?

• send PA texts? (they do that anyway)
• send PA emails? (they do that anyway
• come to your door and tantrum on the doorstep? (set up CCTV and film it)

Understand that NC means just that.

Close all lines of communication so they can't contact you.

And stay that way.

I am not prepared to put up with your nastiness anymore.

Please don't contact me again.

Don’t interact with them. Don’t get sucked into their power games. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

And get some more counselling. You are at a different place in your life and relationship with them to the last time and it sounds like you need some support to work through this transition.

Ignore the message and don't send a card. They're counting on you reacting to keep the cycle going. Break it, and hope they stick to their word of never speaking to you again

Will it ever change or improve ? If not seriously think about it.
I tried my hardest all my life with my mum , only for her to tell me when she was dying that she 'never really liked me anyway '.
Years of trying, travelling , and overthinking , and yet ,even now ,it comes back to me, and hurts .

Text back 'if only it was that easy'

Unless you care about your inheritance get them out of your life. They sound like the Chernobyl of parents.
If you were unwanted then stay out of their lives.
I'm sure you are loved by other people that care and want to be with you.
It's hard but necessary to cut them off before you get hurt again.

What a difficult situation. I had a very difficult mother in a different way.

I found my best strategy was to do what I felt I should for my own sanity and peace of mind and keep my distance as much as I could for the rest of the time. That worked best for me.

Have counselling, find a way of dealing with the trauma they have caused for you and it sounds like walking away might be the healthiest thing for you. Although I know how hard this is - and very easy for other people to say from the outside.

I wish you luck whatever you decide to do.

Don't send a card.

Don't reply.

Block their number.

Congratulate yourself on making use of their offer of no further contact.

Look after yourself.

This is a fight you cannot win no matter what you do so save yourself the heartache and just quietly withdraw.

If that is how they behaved 10 yrs ago, and that is how they are behaving now, then I think it is reasonable to say you will have more of this next year and the year after.
If there is so little (?nothing) positive in all this. I'd suggest how about trying a year NC and see how you feel this time next year? Don't tell them this of course, just do it.

This would be a great opportunity to get started.

They have offered not to speak to you again; I agree that "I accept your offer" is the perfect response! The sympathy card suggestion made me chuckle, but would doubtless be seen as provocation.
If you change your numbers, the text messages can't get through....our simply block.
Do you have family of your own? If you find it hard to stand up for yourself, summon up your inner "mama bear" for their sake, and show them what kind parenting looks like by example.

Hi Op, you can sort this out in seconds, block the number your Dad is texting from. That's it really.

If you think in a few months they may try to contact you another way (if for example your Dad has an email address) then simply block this address today too.

They are not good parents, they don't treat you well. I would not feel any obligation. Do what you couldn't do as a child and move on fully independently.

Make this decision, stop wavering and giving mixed messages. Meant kindly. It's not your fault.

Cut the fuckers off completely, block the number and forget about them.

Don't send a card, block their number. Job done.

It took my parents 6 months to realise I'd gone no contact. They sent birthday cards and xmas cards for 12 years but I think they've stopped now.

My instinct is to say it is easy: don't send a card and let them go but i am guessing that they have you tied in knots emotionally and it will be a hard thing to do. You need to do what is right for YOU and not what they want.

It doesn't sound like they bring anything positive into your life, OP. Quite the opposite in fact. And as others have said they are unlikely to change.

I think the healthiest thing would be to go NC, then go for more counselling to help you fully accept that they will never be the parents you would like them to be, and mourn this, and finally free yourself from any sense of guilt you may have.

Good luck

Don't send a card and block them all over.

Sadly, I don't think that even if you don't send a card that would be the end of things, they have merely set up a damned if you don't, damned if you do scenario and the best and only thing you can do with people who play that game is to simply ignore it.

Once you go NC, stick to it. There is life after toxic parents. Trust me.

Choose peace from the "we need something to excited about" bombs other people make and then lob at your life.

Not everybody finds it easy to be estranged. Sometimes it comes with a hefty pricetag.

But even the higher prices can be worth the welcome break from the cycle of always having to fill in the potholes in the road to your future, cos the Dambusters have buzzed over you .. again.

I'm so sorry. You deserve and are allowed to want so much more than this from the people who are supposed to love you the most.

Look at it logically.

You know they are toxic. You say yourself you would happily never speak to them again. So don't. What can they do?

Well, your dad can continue to send nasty manipulative guilt-tripping texts. Or can he? What would happen if you blocked them - I mean REALLY blocked them - on every platform possible?

Block their emails. Block their phone numbers. If they make contact using a different phone number - ignore, ignore, ignore, delete and block. Repeat as necessary.

Are you/they on social media? Block.

They write to you. Don't open the envelope. Return it unopened. Every time.

Do not engage with them on any level.

Yes you will feel horribly guilty. Ask yourself - do they feel any guilt for how they have treated you? No of course they don't, so why should you? You do not owe them ANYTHING.

Also be prepared for other family and "friends" contacting you to say how hurt/upset/ill (delete as appropriate) your parents are. Ignore. They are adults and they have made their own choices and must live with the consequences. Suppose one or other does become seriously ill. What would they do if you didn't exist? They'd manage, right? Just keep telling yourself that.

Honestly, they've given you a way out - TAKE IT!

Whatever you do will never be enough, has never been enough, because they are deeply damaged unhappy people angry at the world and life. If, for their anniversary, you arranged a hot air balloon champagne flight, to be met at the landing by unicorns ridden by naked virgins, that would still never be enough... You are tied into the Fear Obligation Guilt cycle. If you went NC, and maybe considered counselling for yourself to come to terms with it, you would no doubt feel better. Or even Low Contact. Sorry they are so shit

Block their number or change your mobile number and landline. Its really that simple.

Just get them a goat

What is to be gained by sending a card?

They get to tell you what to do. You feel crap.

Decide what YOU want to do. Then stick to it. Visit once a year? Card at Christmas and birthdays? No visit. No cards.

Why do you need any contact? Guilt? I get that, there’s no need but if you feel that YOU really need to keep a line communication open, just in case they get very ill, then decide that. But protect your boundaries.

It’s all in YOUR control. They can text nasty messages all they like. And they will. Decide your boundaries. If you like, even consider changing your number.