I know my parents are toxic. But I wasn't prepared for this and I don't know what to do.

[kardashianklone]

I'm sorry, this is long. I've tried to put in paragraphs to make it a little less trying. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Any relationship, really. Full on narcissistic mum and enabling dad who are very controlling, petty, spiteful and prone to temper tantrums. I try to have as little to do with them as possible because every single interaction is just horrible and upsetting and nothing positive ever comes from it. I have read 'Toxic Parent's by Susan Forward (amazing book) and they are textbook.

I have tried to tell them how I feel, they don't care or don't listen. And the cycle endlessly repeats itself. I have gone NC before, but them one or the other of them has some serious health related drama and as an only child I am expected to fix all of their problems. They also don't seem to notice when I go NC and just carry on, regardless. We had a horrible Christmas 2017 where they said terrible things (by text) and when I responded back it was just silence. They ignored it, waited a few months, then carried on.

Previous gems include telling me I was a mistake baby but they decided to 'love me in the end', and being told "you should look at yourself and ask what went wrong", that I am "no daughter of theirs" (because I wouldn't use my annual leave to go and run their business whilst they went on holiday), and when Mum faked a heart attack (she'd coughed a bit too hard and strained the muscles around her ribs) that it was my fault for not visiting them enough. Also Mum telling me that she will probably die soon and that again will be my fault.

Late last night, I had a text message out of the blue (they won't call me, email me, and only Dad text messages me. Mum won't answer the phone if I call and won't respond to any of my communications). The message said that this month is their anniversary month (they were married years before I was born), and if I "forget what this means to your mum and dad (he speaks in the 3rd person) we will never speak to you again so try to not be a selfish child. Dad". It's not a joke- that's how they talk. Emotional blackmail, passive aggressive, temper tantrums. The viewing me as a child, not an adult, so it's all about control, the setting ridiculous responses in overblown dramatic fashion...it's so exhausting and distressing.

So now I have a dilemma. On one hand...they've made it easy for me, I would happily never talk to them again. On the other hand, I could just send a card (as I do every year) but I know it won't be enough. It will be, why didn't you send a present, or visit us, or make our day special? (they don't do anything to celebrate it themselves). I also resent being 'forced' to send them a card because of a threat of 'or else'. Once, about 10 years ago, I did forget to send a card, and Mum refused to speak to me for 6 months, and when she did, she called me a slut. So, what should I do? Send a card, not send a card?

No card. Free yourself from that situation.

This message made me laugh out loud several times. Is it because I'm an unsympathetic bitch? No. It's because this used to be my reality and I walked away from a toxic, abusive mother to save my own life.

I have been through a LOT of therapy, read every book out there on toxic parents, and been to hell and back trying (and always failing) to be the 'perfect' daughter and have some kind of enjoyable rlationship with my mother. In the end, all I did was keep hurting myself. She never changed, but I developed anxiety, deprssion and suicidal thoughts.

I decided to be NC and she didn't even notice. I am so much happier without her in my life, and I now see her behaviour for what it really is - childish, pathetic and a sign of someone very, very broken.

Thankfully, I am now in a place where if I get any of this abusive (and frankly, utterly ridiculous behaviour) I just laugh. Because that's what it is - laughable.

I am sorry you have grown up under this umbrella of abuse, but it's now time for you to say FUCK OFF to your abusers and live your life for you. You are so much better than this OP.

I only discovered recently that my mother is a narcissist. I know my Dad has been weak and has enabled her, but I also know that he loves me. So basically if it wasn't for him I would go NC with my mother. In your situation, you have two parents being abusive and cruel. You deserve better. You need to cut them off. I know it's easier said than done though. But what are you getting from this relationship with them?

Theyhavejuggilars ”I know my Dad has been weak and has enabled her”

He has enabled her to be cruel and abusive to you. Would you facilitate cruelty and abuse to a child of yours?

Only just read this for the first time.

First - wow. What what strength you've shown. You've remained completely calm and made considered decisions and the right ones for YOU. Well done. It can't have been easy.

Secondly, re the lateness... I am renowned for being late for everything. Absolutely everything. But I'm never late for my kids. Ever. Ever ever ever. Maybe there was traffic every single time (yeah ok) But they didn't care to learn or consider your feelings. And they've continued to not learn or consider your feelings. Just because you're biologically related doesn't mean you have to be in touch or like them. And frankly it's a credit to you, and you alone, that you've turned out to be someone who seems lovely, calm, considerate and caring. Maintain your happiness. You can't impact theirs. No point three of you being utterly miserable. Leave them to rot in theirs of their own making.

An update. It was my birthday recently, and the day before it, another letter arrived. Not a card, or a present, but a thin, folded over, tiny piece of paper (sent second class). I had my friend read it, and summarize it (I find this works best for me). Essentially it said what are they to do as they get older and infirm and ill of health, if they can't rely on me, (how selfish I am) and have I thought that I am endangering my inheritance (stupid girl), and that this will be the last time they contact me. I translate that to be self pitying, emotional and financial blackmail. I also don't believe it will be the last time they will contact me. But if it is, then great. It shows me nothing has changed- they aren't questioning WHY I am NC, but are furious and self absorbed about the fact they now can't command me to do things for them. If they were that worried about their old age, then they shouldn't have had an only child, quite frankly. I have no idea if they have life/health/private medical insurance, or what provision they have made for their retirement, or financial rest of life, but that's on them, not me.

I could do everything they wanted and they would still leave the money to an obscure cat's home, and I don't want money to be the motivator of why I would choose (if I did) to get back in touch. I long ago assumed I would inherit nothing (apart from problems) so the money isn't a loss, as I never had it, and they can do what they want with it anyway. I have no claim or say over it, and I am fed up of them using it as some kind of poisoned golden handcuffs. Also, and this just occurs to me, if the only thing they have to dangle is a potential inheritance (which could be peanuts and debt anyway, who knows), then that's not much to offer. No love, no apologies, no trying to repair all the damage.

You really do have the measure of them!

Stay strong OP, you are doing so well

I think you need to decide what will happen when they do become unwell or need extra care. I don't see my father (unless it relates to the care of my youngest brother who has complex additional needs) if he became seriously unwell I wouldn't take care of him as he isn't a positive presence in my life and I wouldn't rush to take care of a stranger and to be honest he may as well be that. On the other hand my SIL was NC with her parents for a time but cared for her father at the end of his life. So make a decision, if you want them out of your life forever then decide that and be strong about it. I think you should write an email ( that way you have proof of what you have sent them) simply state that you have cut off contact for your own well being, that you are fine but that you no longer want them to contact you for any reason, tell them that you will not respond to emotional blackmail and that you have no interest in an inheritance. If they continue to try and contact you then ring the police and ask them how to obtain a "no contact order" also I can't remember from tour posts if you are married to your oh. If you aren't then they remain your next of kin should anything happen to you so you should speak to a solicitor about what to do about that.

Well done OP

How does this latest incident make you feel?

I think that you can take strength from this that you are now at the final chapter.

That could be quite exciting if you see it that way - a big relief. Bittersweet, I understand as there was always the faint hope that an apology, an enlightenment, some love, respect or kindness would break through.

This communication shows that they now know you are NC and they have dug deep to fire their last emotional blackmail grenade (although there might be a few more to come) - but their perspective has now been forced to move up a gear from the here and now (anniversaries, Xmas etc) to the bigger picture - their old age support and inheritance.

So you are having impact and your boundaries are strong protecting you. They are as exactly as toxic as you already knew. So be proud that you have detached and keep up the good work.

Lol reply 'consider it forgotten'.

Then block all future contact. Narcissists are incapable of change. I wouldn't be surprised if he is one too, maybe a covert to your mothers overt. I know all well the feeling of suddenly being transported back to feeling like a child again around some folk. You know they are treating u badly but for some reason (remembering
being shamed, perhaps) you just feel like you can't speak up.

Stay away from them, it is the only way to ever feel like your own person, to ever be free.

Just read your update too. Lol typical narcissists sending something like that the day before your birthday. Hopefully that will be the last time they contact you.Fingers crossed.

I translate that to be self pitying, emotional and financial blackmail. I also don't believe it will be the last time they will contact me. But if it is, then great.

Well done, OP.

I suspect at some point your will have to make it clear to your aunt, for example, that you are never going to want to know about your parents health etc. But for now, just stay strong and keep enjoying the absence of soul-sapping contact.

And I hope you had a wonderful birthday!

OP I think you are wonderful. Very well done to you and how you have clearly turned out despite those awful parents of yours.
Look after yourself. You are a gem x

Has the aunt followed up with you since? Maybe expect a call in the next few weeks when you don’t respond to the DPs

An update- no further contact from Aunt. She is clearly not that bothered about 'meeting up' and is really (as expected) just a tool for my parents to use to get to me.

They ignored me at Christmas, ignored my birthday, however my Dad has tracked me down through a work related website, and emailed me through this website (I certainly have not told them about this website so they have obviously been google stalking again) to send me a message today which read 'Don't forget about Mother's Day on Sunday'.

I have not spoken or had any interaction with them on my side since August 2018, and yet still they persist in trying to track me down and demanding gifts and cards. Do they really think I'm going to do anything to celebrate Mother's Day?! It is beginning to feel delusional and endless.

I'm also fairly confident that once Mother's Day comes and goes, and they realise that I haven't sent anything, they will find another way to tell me how hurt and upset with my behaviour they are. Will they ever stop and leave me alone?

Quite possibly not but it's far less upsetting with these occasional intrusions than what you have tolerated for years.

KOKO

Seriously
Go NC and don’t engage in their games

Oh lovey, you're doing great; it's not your fault that your parents are abject failures.
Consign the latest message to the spam folder and get on with your life.
You only have the one life and please don't waste it being shackled to these people.
They get their kicks from causing you pain.

I'm so sorry they found another way to reach you again. Use every time as a catalyst to strengthen your resolve. You have done the right thing and they are just reminding you of that.

Congratulations on maintaining your boundaries and sanity. Continue to delete (or bin) everything they send your way.

"Mother" yourself this coming Sunday. Speaking as one, I would want to celebrate my daughter's successes and strengths. So, use the day to do just that in the company of people who lift you up.

Argh, this is a gruelling journey, but you seriously are doing the right thing, and yes, Mothers Day isn’t something you need to participate any more

Can you get the work related website access blocked? Could your IT DEPT do that?

I read about your parents being late to pick you up. How sad! You poor thing!

Don’t know if this is part of your plans for your life etc, but Please know that if you’re worried about how you would be if you were a parent, don’t. Your warm and kind qualities shine through here and besides, they’ve shown you how to be the best parent in the world - by doing the exact opposite to everything they did

You are strong, you will feel stronger and stronger the longer you are free of them.

Yes it’s lonely at times, but you can find ways to fill that space, but even loneliness beats being made to feel as badly as they worked so hard to make you feel.

They are despicable.

I really feel for you my mum in law is classic narcissist and after 4 years nc send a Christmas card for us to write in and send back to her. It was one of the ones you put a photo in and she expected us to provide a photo as well.
It all went back in the envelope unsigned to her . Stay strong xx

You are doing brilliantly OP. Definitely not an easy thing to do but I bet you have not felt better since you went NC with them. Mother's Day - what a joke. Will Father's Day be their next point of contact?

Stay strong