I know my parents are toxic. But I wasn't prepared for this and I don't know what to do.

[kardashianklone]

I'm sorry, this is long. I've tried to put in paragraphs to make it a little less trying. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Any relationship, really. Full on narcissistic mum and enabling dad who are very controlling, petty, spiteful and prone to temper tantrums. I try to have as little to do with them as possible because every single interaction is just horrible and upsetting and nothing positive ever comes from it. I have read 'Toxic Parent's by Susan Forward (amazing book) and they are textbook.

I have tried to tell them how I feel, they don't care or don't listen. And the cycle endlessly repeats itself. I have gone NC before, but them one or the other of them has some serious health related drama and as an only child I am expected to fix all of their problems. They also don't seem to notice when I go NC and just carry on, regardless. We had a horrible Christmas 2017 where they said terrible things (by text) and when I responded back it was just silence. They ignored it, waited a few months, then carried on.

Previous gems include telling me I was a mistake baby but they decided to 'love me in the end', and being told "you should look at yourself and ask what went wrong", that I am "no daughter of theirs" (because I wouldn't use my annual leave to go and run their business whilst they went on holiday), and when Mum faked a heart attack (she'd coughed a bit too hard and strained the muscles around her ribs) that it was my fault for not visiting them enough. Also Mum telling me that she will probably die soon and that again will be my fault.

Late last night, I had a text message out of the blue (they won't call me, email me, and only Dad text messages me. Mum won't answer the phone if I call and won't respond to any of my communications). The message said that this month is their anniversary month (they were married years before I was born), and if I "forget what this means to your mum and dad (he speaks in the 3rd person) we will never speak to you again so try to not be a selfish child. Dad". It's not a joke- that's how they talk. Emotional blackmail, passive aggressive, temper tantrums. The viewing me as a child, not an adult, so it's all about control, the setting ridiculous responses in overblown dramatic fashion...it's so exhausting and distressing.

So now I have a dilemma. On one hand...they've made it easy for me, I would happily never talk to them again. On the other hand, I could just send a card (as I do every year) but I know it won't be enough. It will be, why didn't you send a present, or visit us, or make our day special? (they don't do anything to celebrate it themselves). I also resent being 'forced' to send them a card because of a threat of 'or else'. Once, about 10 years ago, I did forget to send a card, and Mum refused to speak to me for 6 months, and when she did, she called me a slut. So, what should I do? Send a card, not send a card?

Btw, don't don't don't meet for lunch now. She won't be able to help herself from bringing it up and that will taint your relationship. Let some water pass under the bridge first.

crimson has it.

Keep well away. Do not commit to meeting - just kick it into the long grass - she last contacted you 9 months ago - seems reasonable to spin her out for another 9 months - you need to understand that your DP are pulling the strings here and will be massively invested in exploiting this communication channel for their own benefit.

Just superimpose their faces and hear their words when she is in contact with you. That will keep you focused. I do love the spy in disguise image - fluffy wig and cuddly cardigan!

This sounds possibly even more risky and emotionally harmful to you as you have some FOG with your DA that you will be tap dancing to erroneously in order to mange your politeness. This could make you emotionally vulnerable - don’t put yourself through it.

I believe if you meet her for lunch she will bring your parents along with her. Don't meet her.

Don't open a dialogue with your aunt - you know she will jsut go straight back to your parents.

Non-committal 'I'm fine, I am busy at the moment so can;t visit, and Dm knows why. See you soon/sometime'. She might be 'lovely', and warm and fluffy, but she does not have your interests at heart. At best she is trying to get you and your parents together for a warm and fluffy heart-to-heart but those only work in American sit-coms.

Detach.

Of course, OP could simply write parents that she chose to go NC because the interaction with them has become too draining and life is easier without the drama and one-sided demands, and they should refrain from trying to establish contact, directly and indirectly (via partner, aunt). OP could cc it to DA.

Am I the only one who feels NC without any announcement gives the parents the perfect opening for trying to reestablish contact by all means and look reasonable doing so?

We had a similar case many years back in the extended family (though a borderliner and not a narcissist imo), where whole family explicitly went NC with the person because [reason in one short sentence, explicitly stated]. And the people who were sent forward were simply told that contact had ceded because of [reason in one short sentence] and that was that.

I agree, don't open dialogue with her, doesn't have your best interests at heart because she would want the exact opposite of what you need.

Send her a chatty message 'all fine here, had a lovely Christmas, busy at work, hope you are all well blah blah blah Would be really lovely to catch up, rather busy at the moment, will be in touch for some dates for lunch sometime soon, all the best and happy new year' (don't even refer to your parents as anything you say will go straight back to them, and in effect will be contact from you and will end the NC) and then ignore her a while.

If she persists, then be blunt 'I won't be discussing this with anyone'

deep I think she's tried to tell them before and they just ignore her? I wrote and told my mother exactly why I didn't want to talk to her, she just said I was making it all up and continued telling everyone a load of shit about me.

I believe if you meet her for lunch she will bring your parents along with her

... Yeah. Seems all too likely

Even if your DA doesn’t invite them along - they will know your movements ur where and when you are meeting - so could walk in at anytime or hang around outside. Your DPs are probably awful to your DA as well - but she is not as strong as you - she will have been manipulated into doing this and her reasons are probably to avoid conflict for herself with your DPs rather than an concern for you. Proabably and enabler. Ignore.

But it now puts me in the difficult position of having to explain to my Aunt. And also, they've clearly fed her a load of complete rubbish, which isn't 'my truth' at all.

I think you should speak to your aunt. Don't look at it as a difficult position, but as an opportunity to be heard. Perhaps turn up at her house with very little notice rather than arranging to meet for lunch, just in case your parents are with her. Or tell her in advance that if she even thinks about allowing your parents to find out when/where you are meeting and to ambush you then you will be out of the door like a shot and you will no longer speak to her either.

Tell your aunt your truth. Just tell her. Then, if nothing else, she'll understand and get off your case.

I would at this stage also write your parents a frank letter and make it clear that it's not an olive branch, nor an opportunity for them to open up dialogue or debate the matter - it's just an explanation as to why you feel so much better without them in your life. So they can hopefully accept it, and get on with theirs.

I do think blocking them completely without an explanation and some closure not helpful. They are just going to keep hounding and chasing you until they get an answer so you may as well just get it over with. It doesn't have to be in person.

They need to understand that they've reaped what they've sown.

Just bright and breezy with your DA

"I don't expect to ever me up your way but if you're ever in my area let me know"

Message to your DP will be that you don't intend to ever go and visit!

Kirsty

The aunt believes her own reality here and is not interested in what the op has to say. She will not understand sadly. Op has tried before re her aunt without success.

There should be no further engagement either with her or in particular her abusive parents.

People like the ops parents do not let go easily so I am not surprised at the emergence of the flying monkey in the shape of this aunt. Her parents know exactly why they have been cut out, they do not need to be further told. Engaging with any of them further leads to more emotional pain. The normal rules of family relations really do go out the window when it comes to such disordered and dysfunctional families.

You know the aunt is their messenger unwittingly or not.
you have 3 choices, send above message,

1. "batting her off onto the long grass" 2)Tell hello A, I'm very well Thx, very busy etc. I am no longer in contact with Parents, don't get involved
2. Silence

OP just to say you have had some v good advice and I think you are doing amazingly.

I'm sorry your DA has behaved like this. I felt sorry for my flying monkeys, luckily the one who meant the most to me saw right through it soon after being recruited, the other one is someone I don't know very well so I was happy to just ignore.

What are your plans now, will you reply?

How are you doing OP? What did you decide to do with the letter?

hi op

ithe longer you stay nc the easier it is. dont be drawn in by others.

ive been nc for 17 years now and i dont even give it a second thought these days although it was absolute angst as the time.

i also just avoid any person who might draw me in.

The letter is still sitting in the drawer, unread.

I haven't replied to my Aunt yet, and I don't know if I will. I'm thinking about it still.

If I was them, my next move would be to report me missing to the police, then the police would turn up at my door, and I could tell them I'm fine, but I don't want any contact, then they would tell my parents, and then the job would be done without me having to get involved any further.

The only course of action left to them is either the police, or turning up. It's basically like a strategy game with two overly competitive couple players and one really reluctant one.

You have done it OP - you are NC to date by not engaging with either tactic. It’s tough / but you are strong and focused. It will get easier. Just deal with holding off right now.

You should feel powerful and proud as you have upper hand here. You will not respond to them, you will block them and anticipate them at every turn. You are in control and you are free. Even if they do turn up at your door or approach your work place - you have a plan in place - you will stay calm - ask them to leave and then seek assistance if they don’t. They will never have you again.

It's horrible, but I got to the point where I had to just ignore the rubbish that was being spouted about me, and get on with things. So, my super duper aunt was informed that I wouldn't have conversations about my mother. Fortunately, she has since discovered the truth for herself.
It doesn't get any better, I was drawn back in more than once, but now, I've had fifteen odd years of absolute bliss. No contact and it's fabulous!

Are you having counselling currently OP? If so is it any good - or do you need a more experienced therapist to get you out the other side of this particularly challenging time?

Op - I'm sorry I've ive missed this response, but is your Aunt from your Mum or Dad's side?

Would she have you meet up for lunch and your parents be there?

OP the letter has been polluting your home now for 10 whole days. This gives them power over you - even if you don’t respond. It is on your mind and in your drawer. Anything that comes from them should be destroyed unread, unopened immediately - then you are back in contract. Otherwise it will cause you to obsess and get stuck and hold you back.