I know my parents are toxic. But I wasn't prepared for this and I don't know what to do.

[kardashianklone]

I'm sorry, this is long. I've tried to put in paragraphs to make it a little less trying. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Any relationship, really. Full on narcissistic mum and enabling dad who are very controlling, petty, spiteful and prone to temper tantrums. I try to have as little to do with them as possible because every single interaction is just horrible and upsetting and nothing positive ever comes from it. I have read 'Toxic Parent's by Susan Forward (amazing book) and they are textbook.

I have tried to tell them how I feel, they don't care or don't listen. And the cycle endlessly repeats itself. I have gone NC before, but them one or the other of them has some serious health related drama and as an only child I am expected to fix all of their problems. They also don't seem to notice when I go NC and just carry on, regardless. We had a horrible Christmas 2017 where they said terrible things (by text) and when I responded back it was just silence. They ignored it, waited a few months, then carried on.

Previous gems include telling me I was a mistake baby but they decided to 'love me in the end', and being told "you should look at yourself and ask what went wrong", that I am "no daughter of theirs" (because I wouldn't use my annual leave to go and run their business whilst they went on holiday), and when Mum faked a heart attack (she'd coughed a bit too hard and strained the muscles around her ribs) that it was my fault for not visiting them enough. Also Mum telling me that she will probably die soon and that again will be my fault.

Late last night, I had a text message out of the blue (they won't call me, email me, and only Dad text messages me. Mum won't answer the phone if I call and won't respond to any of my communications). The message said that this month is their anniversary month (they were married years before I was born), and if I "forget what this means to your mum and dad (he speaks in the 3rd person) we will never speak to you again so try to not be a selfish child. Dad". It's not a joke- that's how they talk. Emotional blackmail, passive aggressive, temper tantrums. The viewing me as a child, not an adult, so it's all about control, the setting ridiculous responses in overblown dramatic fashion...it's so exhausting and distressing.

So now I have a dilemma. On one hand...they've made it easy for me, I would happily never talk to them again. On the other hand, I could just send a card (as I do every year) but I know it won't be enough. It will be, why didn't you send a present, or visit us, or make our day special? (they don't do anything to celebrate it themselves). I also resent being 'forced' to send them a card because of a threat of 'or else'. Once, about 10 years ago, I did forget to send a card, and Mum refused to speak to me for 6 months, and when she did, she called me a slut. So, what should I do? Send a card, not send a card?

Kardashianklone,

Good re informing reception and HR re your abusive parents.

I would destroy this letter now all the same though, its going to be more of the same crap from them and I would also caution having your friend read it. This is really no olive branch from your parents at all but more written bile whilst at the same time bemoaning the lack of contact from you.

You are doing great here, maintain radio silence and keep going.

You have taken great strides in keeping them at bay. But it is hard, exhausting work when they repeatedly butt up against your wishes and then come at you at another angle.

Opening the letter puts your friend in a difficult position. It also will wound you and preoccupy you. Why should your lovely friendship and meet up be polluted with this toxic nonsense? Guard your friendship and good times jealously - destroy the lette and have fun with your friend.

I am NC with my parents. Originally I stayed in contact so my children would know their grandparents. The last time I rang to visit my father told me we were not welcome to visit.
NC has worked well for my family and I. Yes I have met them at family weddings where they have approached me all sunshine and light. I have been civil but quickly leave their company. A colleague told me she knows someone connected to my mother. Should anyone mention anything to me about contacting them I have my response ready. “Oh, is that really what she/he is telling people now?” and if necessary It’s really such a pity they think they have everyone fooled”.
Best of luck OP. You may bump into them but you can only be responsible for your own behavior. You only get one life!

What a mess OP, you have my sympathy. I will go against the majority here, I would read the letter - knowledge is power.

These people seem to follow a script, raging that you won't answer their incessant calls so they contact other people and make a nuisance of themselves to embarrass you into talking to them. When that doesn't work they swing back to pretending nothing is wrong and invite you out for lunch/dinner/a walk in the park. Then back to foot stomping rage again with more flying monkeys who have been told all sorts of horrible lies about you and how awful they are being treated. They will also be told that you either have MH issues or your DH must be manipulating you into treating your dear DP in such an awful way. At no point will they ever say, we were pretty shitty to her and would like to try and make things right.

Reading the letter gives you an insight into what stage they are at and if you know how they play the game you can be ready for the next part. Things will quieten down for a while and as you say, they will come at you from a different angle, you just have to be one step ahead.

Don't reply to anything, radio silence at all times, don't get anyone else to reply on your behalf either, it WILL be used against you. The only time I would suggest getting someone else involved is if they start coming to your door, then I'd go for a restraining order type of thing (mine can be quite violent) and for this it would help if you keep a copy of everything.

Just read this whole thread.

Your parents sound exactly like my mother who I've been NC with for years. She occasionally sends me bat shit letters often about 10 pages long. I do read them, I don't think I couldn't, but I never respond. To be honest the letters never have any suprising content, the usual stuff worded differently. That I'm such a disappointment, etc. All her friends think I'm a terrible daughter, etc.

She's never turned up on my doorstep even though she doesn't live far away. And actually she's never rung me and I don't think I've blocked her phone number. I'd be surprised if your parents turned up on your doorstep. But then I'm surprised they rang your DPs workplace so who knows.

You maybe need to have a plan what will you do if they do turn up on your doorstep. Are you happy to shut the door in their face without speaking? Would you rather tell them to leave you alone or do you think that runs the risk of turning into a conversation? If they stay hammering on your door are you prepared to call the police? Hopefully it won't happen but if it does at least you have a plan. Good luck.

Wow OP what an awful time you have had. Well done for not reading the letter. Can your dp just look it over to make sure there's nothing you need to know in it? Then definitely bin it.

Send this too your dad...

You married mum not me. It is your job to celebrate the day... Just like every other husband does.

I think there has been an 'official' flying monkey. Two calls from my Aunt (father's sister) last night. She rarely, rarely rings me. The first one was just after 9pm and it took me by surprise as the ringer was on (which it never usually is, I keep it on silent). I was in the kitchen at the time, so I took the most logical course of action and put the phone in the fridge and walked away. The second time was just after 10pm, and I'd put it on silence after the first time so I missed it. I do like my aunt, she is very sweet, but is hopeless at conflict. She is the opposite of my parents, soft and warm and fluffy, but can't handle me trying to talk about problems I'm having with them at all. She has obviously been asked to call me. What is the best way of describing to her that I'm fine, but I don't want to speak to my parents? She will relay the information verbatim, so it has to be right.

‘Thank you for your concern, but really it is not right for you to be involved. It is very unfair of them to do this to you and I will not do it as i respect you too much. Let’s leave it there.’

I think changing your phone number would be useful. All those missed call notifications are teeny tiny head fucks.

Your aunt here is being used as a flying monkey as you rightly surmise.

I would not contact her either because she is not interested in hearing your side of things. Her opinion therefore should be roundly ignored by you.

The role of these flying monkeys is first of all abuse by proxy.
Abuse by proxy is when the narcissist gets other people to abuse you. That way the narcissist gets to abuse you but through these people. They’ll reject you, they’ll make you feel not good enough, they’ll shame you, maybe they’ll put you in a bad situation, they’ll tell you that you’re crazy, things like that. This way the narcissist looks like the one that’s clean. They’re not involved.

The flying monkeys are also used to spread rumours and gossip.
This is one of their most prevalent roles. They are addicted to gossip. Usually these people go around and spread rumours and gossip that they heard. Flying monkeys do the narcissist’s bidding, they are usually relatives or some other person who is easily manipulated or is otherwise getting something from the relationship with the narcissist. They can’t see it, they can’t fathom it, they’ve never been through anything like that, so they can’t even imagine that somebody would do such a thing to just make up all these lies about you and spread them across town. They just can’t even fathom that a human would do that or maybe the naive is also the fawning type.

This is the type of people who when faced with a fight or flight dilemma, they choose fawning instead where they just melt into a strong, dominant personality to feel safe and they don’t realize what’s happening.

Block all flying monkeys; maintain radio silence here.

something along Aussie's reply.
I sorry they are bothering you, I am no longer in contact with them, after a life time of abuse they know why. please don't allow them involve you.

Speak to your aunt.
Tell her you live her.
That you can't cope with how your parents treat you, it is not how loving parents treat a child, so for now you don't want contact with them...

Thing that got through to my (lovely) flying monkey aunt was when she made one comment too many and before thinking I said "Oh don't tell me Aunt XXXX, I've had too many nightmares about him" (my dad). It just slipped out.

I'd send aunt a text:

'I see I've had a couple of missed calls from you, I'm sorry I missed you. It would be lovely to have a chat as it's been a while since we spoke and I'd love a catch up.

I'm no longer in touch with my parents, after years of hurt I have decided to step away. I don't think it would be fair to involve you and I won't be discussing this with anyone, I'm sure you will understand and respect the difficult decision I've made.

Really looking forward to chatting to you soon though'

I think what Summer says is a good approach. A text or an email or a quick note in the post to her to say something along the lines of "Thanks for calling and I'd love to chat. Just so you know from me (as you are probably aware from Dad already) I have taken the upsetting but necessary decision to go completely non-contact with Mum and Dad after so many years of their hurtful and abusive behaviour towards me. I don't want to discuss it, and I won't change my mind, as it's been made very clear to me by them that I can never be the person they want or love, and I will no longer allow that negativity in my life. I really want to stay in contact with you, as you are important to me, but I really cannot and will not discuss anything about Mum & Dad at all."

I think that the explainations about being no contact rather pre-empt the call. The aunt hasn't said that is what the call is about (although it seems a fair guess!). I would go for a phone call at scheduled time - OP to call the Aunt and have a chit chat. Then if it comes up just say what Summer suggested.

Don't mention abuse - that comes clearly into the zone of 'discussing it' and would most likley be relayed back, only to cause a defensive reaction. The message you want to go back to M&D is that you are fine and getting on with your life.

The role of these flying monkeys is first of all abuse by proxy.

If that is the role of flying monkeys, maybe the aunt is not a flying monkey, after all. One phone call (or even two or three, if the person doesn't take the call first/second time) to ask if someone is allright and even (misguidedly) asking/urging to call the parents is not abuse per se.

I do agree, though, that a text/email to the aunt is better as it avoids any potential for arguing.

I think that the explainations about being no contact rather pre-empt the call. The aunt hasn't said that is what the call is about (although it seems a fair guess!). I would go for a phone call at scheduled time - OP to call the Aunt and have a chit chat.

Good point. Anyway, it is not 'dancing to the tune of a flying monkey' to answer a call from one's aunt by text or call-back.

Listen to DarkandStormy - I think that's right, my advice is a bit off because it is indeed discussing it when it doesn't warrant it.

Text to say "Sorry I missed your call, very busy here at the moment! Everything all right? I'll give you a call to catch up soon" or a bright and breezy phone call just so Aunt knows you're OK and not lying alone trapped under a heavy object, and then if anything mentioned about your parents just bat it off with Summer's phrasing and move the conversation on to something else very quickly?

Why has the aunt contacted the OP now? There are reasons why this has happened.

I would class OPs aunt here as a flying monkey and I would think OPs parents have leaned on her to make contact with the OP. I also doubt very much that this person is at all willing and or able to actually hear OPs side of things.

Abuse by proxy is when the narcissist gets other people to abuse you. The aunt is being used here by OPs parents to get back at or otherwise punish the OP.

I agree, contact the aunt as if nothing's happened. If she doesn't bring it up, don't mention it. If she does, just say you aren't in contact with them because of their behaviour but don't want to drag her into it.

Abuse by proxy is when the narcissist gets other people to abuse you. The aunt is being used here by OPs parents to get back at or otherwise punish the OP.

By a phone call to her niece? Give me a break.

OPs aunt rarely if ever phones her. Why anyway call at 9.00pm and then an hour later?. Such calls to my mind is no mere coincidence given recent events.

I would not give the aunt any attention here whatsoever by responding.

I'll tell you what: I haven't got the full thread in my mind but from my memory OP never wrote some final 'this is why I will now go no contact' letter to the parents. As long as the parents do not have this final declaration, it is justified why they wonder what is going on and use various channels to get contact, including asking the aunt to check out what is up (which they probably did, though we do not know for certain).

I believe OP that her mum is an insufferable narcissist and all, but even so, on the face of it one could interpret the silent treatment by the daughter without any explanation whatsoever abusive. It is certainly eyebrow raising enough, that the aunt may think a phone call is warranted. Now if there were a 'this is why I go no contact' declaration, OP could justifiably say to aunt 'they know I won't contact them, don't let yourself be used as their tool' and if then the aunt leans in and does not listen, then you call call her a flying monkey.

But as long as this is not on the record, how the fuck can anybody know what is going on? After all, mum and dad have always been like that, so it can't be that (from their and aunt's perspective). And suddenly there is no contact and no explanation either?