I know my parents are toxic. But I wasn't prepared for this and I don't know what to do.

[kardashianklone]

I'm sorry, this is long. I've tried to put in paragraphs to make it a little less trying. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Any relationship, really. Full on narcissistic mum and enabling dad who are very controlling, petty, spiteful and prone to temper tantrums. I try to have as little to do with them as possible because every single interaction is just horrible and upsetting and nothing positive ever comes from it. I have read 'Toxic Parent's by Susan Forward (amazing book) and they are textbook.

I have tried to tell them how I feel, they don't care or don't listen. And the cycle endlessly repeats itself. I have gone NC before, but them one or the other of them has some serious health related drama and as an only child I am expected to fix all of their problems. They also don't seem to notice when I go NC and just carry on, regardless. We had a horrible Christmas 2017 where they said terrible things (by text) and when I responded back it was just silence. They ignored it, waited a few months, then carried on.

Previous gems include telling me I was a mistake baby but they decided to 'love me in the end', and being told "you should look at yourself and ask what went wrong", that I am "no daughter of theirs" (because I wouldn't use my annual leave to go and run their business whilst they went on holiday), and when Mum faked a heart attack (she'd coughed a bit too hard and strained the muscles around her ribs) that it was my fault for not visiting them enough. Also Mum telling me that she will probably die soon and that again will be my fault.

Late last night, I had a text message out of the blue (they won't call me, email me, and only Dad text messages me. Mum won't answer the phone if I call and won't respond to any of my communications). The message said that this month is their anniversary month (they were married years before I was born), and if I "forget what this means to your mum and dad (he speaks in the 3rd person) we will never speak to you again so try to not be a selfish child. Dad". It's not a joke- that's how they talk. Emotional blackmail, passive aggressive, temper tantrums. The viewing me as a child, not an adult, so it's all about control, the setting ridiculous responses in overblown dramatic fashion...it's so exhausting and distressing.

So now I have a dilemma. On one hand...they've made it easy for me, I would happily never talk to them again. On the other hand, I could just send a card (as I do every year) but I know it won't be enough. It will be, why didn't you send a present, or visit us, or make our day special? (they don't do anything to celebrate it themselves). I also resent being 'forced' to send them a card because of a threat of 'or else'. Once, about 10 years ago, I did forget to send a card, and Mum refused to speak to me for 6 months, and when she did, she called me a slut. So, what should I do? Send a card, not send a card?

*control - not contact ....!!

If you haven’t already, maybe get a camera for your front door. Therefore you will know whether or not to answer the door.

OP - I've read the thread and most of the responses. I just want to say really REALLY well done! What you are doing is so so hard and you should be proud of yourself!

OK so from my end, the thing that really struck me about one of your later posts is the comment about a battle between you and the Ps?? That is so close to the truth. You ARE in the middle of war and because you are you, you are fighting a defensive campaign and they are fighting an offensive campaign.

Fact is; there are ways to 'win' but that is a long way off yet because you are still in the emotional fog. Remember when you said they didn't notice you blocked them over xmas and the WA come through? Of course they noticed! That's why they changed platform!

The stalking is bad. Very bad but at least your DP can now put Gatekeepers in place just as you have done with your work. Well done on that too.

Now missus, how do you know there are missed calls? To be clear a true NC is;

Removing every avenue or line of communication between yourself and the Narc and then removing them from your mind itself.

That means, no checking missed calls, missed messages. Emails should go straight to the bin. Ditto physical letters. As others have pointed out the Aunt is a Lieutenant/Flying Monkey. She might well be benign but can she keep things confidential? Probably not or she wouldn't have been chosen.

NC means no more explaining yourself and why you are doing it comms. No more. That's it. You are I think already noticing that you are feeling better without them. Hang onto that feeling.

As to the Ps themselves. Reading your replies OP it is clear to me that you have not one but two N parents. It's not as rare as some think. They are not aware of their behaviour - or even what they are doing is abusive. It IS abusive OP, it's not toxic. It's abusive what they are doing to you right now - pure and simple. I perceive it to be criminal actually.

The good news. Intensive hoovers such as this one tends to suggest that you have at least one parent who is more cognitively aware of their facade than the other is. That means Hoovers may last up to a week, possibly two but rarely more than that.

However, you are certainly being repeatedly hit with Hoovers so something is triggering them because it's unlikely they are coming out of nowhere. In any case, NC handles all of that - you just need to weather the storm. I promise it will pass.

I'm here if you would like to PM me.

Good idea on cameras @Aussie

Thinking more about the Aunt, and others are right. If she'd going to be a conduit of information (even innocuous information) to your parents then perhaps it would be better not to contact her because each time you spoke to or saw her you'd be thinking 'she's going to tell them this' or 'I bet she told them that' and wondering if it's going to 'ramp up' their actions. Probably better to close all doors if Aunt can't be 100% trustworthy to tell your 'd'P that she's not going to discuss you with them.

The letter? Burn it. If you gave it to a trusted friend to 'screen' that's still an opportunity to find out its contents as all you'd have to do is ask her. Honestly, even if you said 'read it but never tell me what it says', most friends would end up breaking down and telling. You may as well read it yourself.

An update. I met my friend (who is aware of the situation), and told her what I predicted the letter would say. I asked her to read and tell me only if there was some incredibly important/urgent news that I should really be aware of. She did, there wasn't, and she said I had accurately predicted exactly what would be written. So that is fine, I have no desire to open the letter and it does not bother me at all- it just sits buried somewhere in a drawer with no emotion attached to it. I don't want to destroy it because I have feeling that at some point in the future, physical, tangible evidence of their crazy will be useful.

In terms of cameras- I live in a communal block of flats and so they would have to get through the outer door before my front door, but it also means installing a camera is difficult- not least because even if I put one outside my front door it would be stolen. Christmas wreaths and door mats aren't safe, let alone anything that looks a bit flash like a camera.

I think their only course of action now is: 1. Turn up or 2. report me as missing to the police.

I have not responded to aunt. I am very suspicious that if we did arrange a time and a place, the parents would turn up, so I am disinclined to do that. She hasn't bothered with me for months, I don't see why she cares so suddenly now, so I will let that one go unresponded to.

I know their brains will be ticking over furiously to try to think of another way to get to me. I predict possibly a fake medical drama will be next. Or, something witha small element of truth in it, but exteremly over dramatic and unnecessarily emotional.

I have found that having a very dramatic, narc mother has made me the opposite- I can't stand drama and melodramatics and outbursts and attention seeking and ridiculous behaviour. A few years ago, my mother called me to tell me that my dad had cut his hand badly, had refused to go to the hospital to have it stitched up, and had driven off the the pub for a few hours. When he came back, he was still refusing to go, so my mother tried to get the neighbours to persuade him, and when that failed, she threated to go on HUNGER STRIKE until he did. In what world is that normal?! Who does that?

It's not normal OP. And it's so good that, having grown up in that, you know this.

If they report you to the police, they can be charged with wasting police time. You have the text exchange with your aunt and there will be a logged call with your boyfriend’s work from their number, proving they know you’re fine and not missing. They’d be idiots to report you missing.

My mum periodally does the medical crisis thing, normally investigation for possible cancer. Afaik it's never turned out to be cancer.

Great progress OP. How do you feel now?

Great decision made about aunt and thinking about what they might do next gets you alert and in control. Looks like they are on a roll right now - but at some point they will have exhausted every avenue and have failed to provoke a response. So they will either do another round of the whole thing or ramp up the drama.

It’s great that you are so detached and can see it for what it is - maybe look at it as a mad panto with all of the extreme principle characters going through the standard, predictable acts and script. You are just in the back row yawning away at it all.....

If you wanted security the ring doorbell can record, it's quite hard to steal as it has special screws and I think they'll replace it too

I think the OP is spot on here. My long-range diagnosis skills can predict that one (or possibly both) of her parents is about to go down with Extreme Attention Seeking Disorder.

This can manifest itself in the form of many different diseases, all of which require immediate support from family members, and ALL of which are potentially fatal.

Mysteriously, patients with Extreme Attention Seeking Disorder have a one hundred per cent survival rate and suffer no genuinely verifiable physical symptoms. Truly they are a medical miracle.

Oh God yes, the DRAMA!!!!!

I could have written your thread OP. I completely sympathise. Only this week have I had to tell them to leave me alone Yet again. Toxic mother, enabling father.

I agree with PP that it wouldn't be smart of them to report you missing, given that they have spoken to your OH and probably your Aunt. Then again, they are not smart people so who knows. I predict the emergency health issue.

Another one here for health emergency

Go no contact and don't look back. Logically you must realise that they are never going to give you what you need, but emotioanally you hold out in hope. I've been there and I get it. I stopped contacting mine when I fell pregnant. Before I told anyone and in the midst of Hyperemesis Gravidarum my Father told me I 'better not be pregnant because he doesn't want to be a Grandfather'. Charming eh. Family can be chosen and created remember. Leave them behind in their misery.

Treaceltoots - you've had to tell them 'yet again' to leave you alone? If you keep opening a dialogue (by 'telling' them anything) you will never get rid. They will keep trying to contact you, and you will respond. It's like 'any attention is better than none' so even bad behaviour gets through, and noticed by you.

Better by far to just ignore. Take steps to make sure they cannot contact you (blocking, deleting, keep off SM, change numbers etc) and then if they get through all that, just ignore.

Seek out the Stately Homes thread. Lots of good advice and support on there.

How has your week gone KardashianKlone - how are you feeling now?

It's all gone suspiciously quiet. No further chasing from the Aunt, no further letters. It's like in films during a suspense scene when its 'quiet....too quiet' and then all hell breaks loose. Predicting their behaviour at the moment, I would say that they have realised I'm ignoring them and have taken themselves off in high dudgeon. I also know this will wear off, and then they will go back to demanding a response from me.

For some reason, it is bringing back memories of, as a child, waiting for them to collect me from things, and they were always, always, always late, by at least half an hour, usually over an hour, sometimes an hour and a half. It wasn't too bad in the summer, as I could sit on the grass and I usually had a book, but in the winter it was rubbish, especially if the building had been locked and there was no where warm to wait. This is before the days of parents being charged for being late for pick ups, and quite often, every one else, including adults in charge, would have left, and it would just be me, waiting and waiting for them. I was never allowed to complain. But then maybe I am being a little unreasonable- there probably was traffic, or whatever.

That’s horrific - what dreadful thing to happen to a little girl. Maybe this “quietness” from them has freed your mind a bit to look back on events which are painful but can only reinforce your decision.

Glad to hear that they have left you alone for now. But you know that they will approach from another angle - but you will be prepared for the health crisis, the gift, more flying monkeys etc. I suspect the gaps between events will get longer and eventually they will give up. Look forward to that and keep seeking support from your friends and OH.

If you can't fit a camera, can you fit a spy hole camera? It fits on the door and takes pictures of any movement at the door, plus if someone rings the bell you can see who it is on a screen.

But then maybe I am being a little unreasonable- there probably was traffic, or whatever.

NO! You are NOT being unreasonable.

That was neglect. Nowadays, you would have been flagged up as a vulnerable child. Just because it was "more acceptable" when you were a child does not make it OK. That was neglect.

I regularly had to wait half an hour to an hour to be picked up from school, a posh girls' school. I never thought of it as neglect, I suppose because far worse things happened to me. But it made it more obvious to me that for my DM the business always came first.

Strangely, I'd forgotten about it until I had reason to be in touch with my old school and one of the teachers remembered being very concerned about me. (She didn't act, obviously, I don't think schools did in those days for that reason.)

It's good to be able to look back and realise that your mum didn't treat you right as a child, OP. It will make it much harder for her to lay the guilt on you.

Op you are doing so so well