Tell me your narc dm's most outrageous stunts.

[oooz]

I'm in therapy decades after an abusive upbringing and the penny's only just dropped that my dm was a narc! Watching videos on narcissism I'm going 'Yes, yes, yes!' - it's all my experience. Playing the guilt card. Taking your successes for their own. Gaslighting. The control. It's SO refreshing finally learning my own truth. Now I've found this I want to learn as much as possible. Please share your experiences.

I’ve just had a phone call from social services that my mother has reported my 21 year old for hitting my 7 year old dd. Basically last time dm was over at ours - about 6 months ago - my 21 yr old was looking after my 7 yr old who was super stroppy that day and wasn’t listening . Dd got fed up and left her in the lounge with my dan but not before calling her spoilt and some other names . Dm went mad at my dd saying she was incapable of looking after dd - she isn’t - she’s actually v good with her but dd is the youngest and admittedly a bit spoilt and that she’d never make a good doctor - she’s a third year med student - and that she’d never find a husband etc . Really nasty stuff which my dd has never been exposed to - it’s usualky me whose the target of dm - dd went to her room and sobbed and afterwards asked me if it’s true she won’t make a good doctor or find a husband !
I spoke to dm for first real time recently to try to get her promise that she’d Co - operate at next family celebration coming up as she has form for ruining things and stalking out - and she basically brought up what dd “did “ and said she’d have to report it ! When I reminded her that dd didn’t do anything and that it was her - dm - who’d cause the scene terribly upsetting dd - she said very loudly “oh “ and banged the phone down . She always does this type of thing if confronted with her own poor behaviour .
Then I get the phone call from social services .......

Left her in the lounge with dm not dan !

I know it sounds manipulative but I don’t want to cut her off completely as the house is supposed to be left to me in her Will which is what df wanted when he passed away and left it to her . She won’t even give me a front door key or tell me the alarm security code !

Thank you @Yourenotcrazyitsyourmother - very apt username there

@lisalisa that's so awful - I'm so sorry you're going through that. So typical for a narc to escalate their behaviour when confronted with it.

lisalisa if your mother is going to do this to your daughter, the house may not be worth staying in her will for.

This sort of damage sticks with people. I guarentee your daughter won't see her grandmother the same way again and the wounding words will stay with her, too.

Regarding SS, I'm sure it will blow over. They are used to malicious calls and your daughter can confirm what happened.

Thank you wilderness and sea eagle and I know you’re right about not remaining in her Will as this stuff stays with people .
My dd said to me recently that she wonders where grandma has been during the recent turbulent times in our family - divorce and mental health issues with another of my kids . She said aren’t grandparents supposed to provide support and keep in touch and help and ask us if we’re ok ? I tried to brush it off but may be time to be honest
I’m in holiday right now and can’t believe I took a call from SS in a wildlife park

They're all following the script and it's quite horrifying to see all the similarities in the various behaviours.

I know that DP's ex plays the victim massively; her DSs are aware of that, but I think she has guilt tripped her DDs into submission - I suppose it must be easier with girls.

Something really interesting that has come out of this discussion is how many females are out there with narcissistic traits. I think that a lot of people think it's a "male" quality, and it clearly isn't.

LisaLisa, it's definitely ok to tell your DC, in an age appropriate way. My children knew from an early age that 'grandma can be a bit grumpy' and 'grandma isn't very good at presents, but we don't say anything because it would upset her'. As they got older, I'd say things like 'she's a little old lady and your grandma, just go along with it.' They now know just what I think of her, and exactly why I still have contact with her- because I am a strong person and know that I do my best, it's about me and who I want to be, not about her.

Yourenotcrazy look up grey rock technique. It's a way of managing low contact. All you need to do is go through the motions of having a relationship with her. You don't actually need to care. I hope you feel better soon, and get to enjoy lots of other firsts with your DS.

Lisalisa - that's bloody awful, what your DM has done to your DD. I'm a little fearful that something like this may have an impact on your DD's career - you might need to be very heavy handed about refuting this claim if SS try to make any sort of thing about it. It needs to be completely written off with no record remaining.

Also, and I hate to say it but I've seen it happen before - do not stay in contact with her in the hope of staying in her Will. The chances are that she will still write you out of it anyway, while holding it over your head - let the house go, mentally, because you may never get it, even if you do everything the bitch tells you to.

The one good piece of advice my mother gave me (admittedly over a break up but it works in all cases) - expect the worst behaviour, and then you can never be disappointed. You might be pleasantly surprised if they don't sink to the lowest depths; but it's still better to expect that they will, just in case.

Mine is my dad.
Some examples: sent me a letter to say how disappointed he was that I had gone against his wishes. Said he couldn’t sleep and could not see how to get over this. My crime: I’d gotten my ears pierced. I was 23.

Lost his control and hit me in the face. Rather than apologising, he threatened suicide, made it all about him, as always.

I told him I needed to be admitted to hospital for a month. Rather than offering to help my DH and DD, he flew overseas for 2 months on holiday, a day after my transplant.

Was financially and physically abusive to my DM, who was an amazing mum to me, yet he feels no man is ever good enough for me. Has therefore never accepted any of my ex partners or my DH.

Has never, ever said he loves me, and has never said he’s proud of me, not even at my PhD graduation ceremony.

Insisted on staying with us the first Christmas after DM passed away and brought his new gf. This was 3 months after I lost mum, his DW of over 40 years.

Does he fit the narc label or am I just unfair on him, as he says I am?

Does he fit the narc label or am I just unfair on him, as he says I am?

It’s so sad that you even have to ask Of course you are not unfair on him! He sounds awful and you sound amazing with everything you’ve achieved despite him!

You are really really not being unfair on him. Other way around, fourpillars.

Ask yourself if you'd ever treat your children the way he's treated you. If the answer is No then you know where the unfairness lies. (if the answer is Yes, you need to look at your parenting!)

I have found this thread comforting and scary at the same time.

I am in awe of those of you who have come out stronger. I am a total emotional wreck who cannot deal with any type of confrontation (I end up shaking like a leaf for hours).

It has taken me until my forties to find a suitable partner, who got the measure of my NM straight away.

So many of the things your parents have done are familiar, although there were some I had buried, like the time my NM booked an appointment for my sister with our GP and made her go and say my behaviour was totally unreasonable (actually, I had stood up to NM in an argument)

It was a friend with a NM who pointed out to me my mother was one too. It was such a revelation. The biggest thing I have learnt is to walk away when she is attention seeking.

Four pillars, did you post about that Christmas, mentioning your brother?

As pps all say, he is with out doubt the problem, not you. But we are trained up by them to think that everything must go their way.

My dm packed a bag and left for three days because she didn't like the accommodation arrangements I'd made at uni (free room in return for babysitting). It was my 21st birthday, we had a table booked at a restaurant and an extended family BBQ planned. All went ahead without her.

For those staying for inheritance reasons, I would say in many cases the decision has already been made. i.e. either they've decided to disinherit you and will do so whatever you do OR they're just using it to manipulate you and won't actually do it. You probably can't influence the decision either way

I’ve done myself out of over 100k by going NC, though obviously it could all go on nursing home fees, etc. I really don’t care....like the advert says the cost of being free is priceless.

Thank you all for replying, you’ve made me feel so much better.

@picklemepopcorn, no I’ve not posted about this before and don’t have a brother (although I apparently do have a half brother but that’s a whole other issue) so I guess that was someone else.

I’ve been getting the “poor-me, I don’t know what I’ve done to make you angry” texts now. Just effing pathetic.

Working on my grey rock/impervious suit now...

Put our family dog up for sale then sat in bed and cried when me and my sister were sobbing over losing him. He was spared after my sister ran downstairs and begged the man not to take him. The man looked at my dad and said he couldn't take him after seeing that and we got to keep him. It was always a threat after that to keep us in line. I have lots more but that one just came to me!!

Stunt 1: I wrote to her while in therapy saying I needed space for a few months while I worked everything through- ie her complicity in my stepdads violent outbursts to me and constant criticism and the resulting 30 years of mental health problems. Her reply brushed away the events of those years and focused on how my letter had caused her to have 6 weeks off work and go on antidepressants and how her relationship with my stepdad was so difficult boo hoo etc.

Stunt 2: after I said I wanted no more contact she decided to turn up uninvited to my child’s nativity play, bringing my sister along with her for support. I nearly had a heart attack.

Do those qualify as narc stunts?!

My mother is the ignoring type of narc. She got in an imperious huff with me early on expecting me to crawl back after a week or so I guess. Now it's almost two years I think she doesn't know what to do. Her 'pride' (narcissism) will be preventing her from being the grown up and seeing the bigger picture, hence my dc have become caught in the middle and she's ignoring them too!

Mainly, my family are her flying monkeys. Sadly I haven't heard from my siblings, except the odd drunken call from my dsis (who is well in the FOG) in that time either. I missed a call from my mum's younger sister, she's lovely but has always been in my mother's grip. She didn't leave a message and it's unusual for her to ring me...I haven't called back, don't know if I should.

It's my 50th soon, that's going to be interesting. My mother always rings around chivvying people to send cards to the one with the birthday. Cards are her thing, nothing else. I'm having a little bet with myself that her sense of what is proper means she will be compelled to send me a card, whilst seething inside about how I don't deserve it. Ha ha, silly woman!

This thread has been such a eye opener to me. And really made me see things clearly/differently
Where do I start. Mine is my Narc father.

• when I first moved out at 19 told me I wouldn't be able to do it and never be able to afford it.
• when me and dh moved away, repeatedly told me I'd hate it and shouldn't go.
• when I got 12 GCSE's told me I could have done better. This was after my brother got 3 and got taken out for a meal.
• when my daughter developed alopecia, told me it was my fault because I shouted.
• when my son got glasses, questioned constantly how they could possibly know how a child had a eye problem!
• has never said one nice word about dh
• makes me feel guilty for not visiting on a weekend and when I say what they've been up to, tells me he can't tell me as it's a secret.

-when my daughter decided to go somewhere different for her birthday, told me I shouldn't give her them kinds of choices because they were really looking forward to the other place!!

• if he knows I have something planned, he will ring me in the morning saying he needs to help with something so I have to choose between him or my dh.

It's only in the last few days that I have now sadly accepted the fact that M is a Narc. Knew F was - known for years (I have some stories there)

But what tipped it for me was the comment below. What led to this was F completely unprompted, confessing to multiple infidelities going back years. At first, figured M was in shock. But as time wore on, something began to niggle me...

I'm in the middle of reovering from a suicide attempt. Not once has she rung me to check up on how I was doing. Rather, she spat out 'What did you want to do THAT for?'' Despite this, I've een breaking my back to help her in the last few weeks. I suggest that she comes and lives with me, temporarily, whilst she get's her head together.

A few nights ago we were speaking and she's getting angrier and angrier. She then pretty much yells at me. 'I'm not coming to live with you!'. I said to her -'A thanks but no thanks' would suffice. Then she comes out with a true MN classic. (We had agreed on a day trip this weekend, me and her.)

'And I'm NOT been taken to a stately home when your car is a tip! It's a disgrace!'

I mean, you couldn't make this shit up!

Renarde for you, and omd yes, the car. Shocked that I haven't cleaned my car before turning up to give her a lift.