Tell me your narc dm's most outrageous stunts.

[oooz]

I'm in therapy decades after an abusive upbringing and the penny's only just dropped that my dm was a narc! Watching videos on narcissism I'm going 'Yes, yes, yes!' - it's all my experience. Playing the guilt card. Taking your successes for their own. Gaslighting. The control. It's SO refreshing finally learning my own truth. Now I've found this I want to learn as much as possible. Please share your experiences.

Told me she had cancer and various other illnesses (she didn't)
Told me, aged 8, that her miscarriage was my fault
Told me that her drinking was my fault
Told me that anything she said/did while drunk 'didn't count' because she couldn't remember it
Told me that my disability was 'God punishing' her
Told me that me being born ruined her life
Told me I wasn't a 'real person'
Made me wear badly-fitting boys' clothes when I started going through puberty
Told me it 'wasn't normal' to enjoy reading and that 'nobody else does' - this was the refrain for anything I liked/did, so that I thought I was completely freakish
Cut herself in front of me, told everyone that this made me give up self-harming (it didn't)

I know that she had a difficult life herself in some ways, but still. I can see now how utterly untrue all the stuff she told me was - but I couldn't at the time!

NMIL told us she had developed a peanut allergy. This was just before she came to visit and of course I scrutinised all packets for nut traces and scrapped about a third of the fare (Christmas, so nuts in everything).

She hadn’t developed one at all. SIL told me later she had cut her lip and some salt from peanuts had got in it and it swelled up a bit. She didn’t tell us.

She then complained to the rest of the family that we had “awful” mince pies and pudding. I’d bought and served the freefrom ones and left the Fortnum’s. We had them after she’d gone

@picklemepopcorn

I used to think I was a dreadful person for feeling so drained after becoming involved in my mother's many issues and dramas - the ones that actually needed fixing. After going NC I came to realise I felt drained because I was helping her while feeling resentment towards her at the same time, as if I couldn't reconcile this little old lady who needed help with the person who would call me specifically to speak for an hour about how much I'd let her down/upset/disappointed/attacked her etc etc.

Basically, I think the stored up sadness of not being supported myself made it difficult to help her without it exhausting me, like I was trying to be two people at once.

I’ve read this with great interest . I’ve alwsys known something was wrong with my mum but didn’t know the word for it . Is this Narc behaviour ? Didn’t think
So as she always expressed her love for and Narcs are not supposed to are they ?

So on
My wedding day she made s huge fuss because my cousin adjusted my veil not her and almost didn’t come . She spent the day in tears and on the photos she looks miserable
Doesn’t talk to anyone in the family other than me st all . I don’t gave siblings but she doesn’t talk to her only brother or my dads only sister or my dads parents when they were alive
When my dad was terminally ill she shocked me by just not coming to see him
Half the time saying she was ill . Throughout her life I only remember her being ill - some of it was genuine but she was also ill when it was babysitting time for my younger dcs or time for anything that wasn’t about her . She’d ring frequently with guilt trips about how I’m neglecting her but every time she’d come round she caused fights with my children and made my oldest dc cry las time

I’ve gone through a terrible time recently with my marriage breaking up and one of my children being in hospital
On and off for months with mental illness . This more than anything nearly broke me as I had night after night of a and e admissions waiting for in call psychs till 3.00am then getting up to do the school run . She never ever ever offered to help - not once . Not even to come over to play with younger kids of an afternoon . When once I tried to pin her down virtually insisting that I needed help and she must come she started saying she was ill and if I couldn’t cope I should phone social
Services . More than twice previously a long time ago she called social services reporting my so called failures as a mum without talking to me or sharing any “concerns “

She cannot discuss any of this and feigns extreme illness if we try

Final straw I asked for a financial loan as due to marriage breaking up I couldn’t pay the mortgage in April ( I’m
Self employed and things got woefully dry when I was looking after my dd in hospital and are still pretty bad now ). I know mum had savings and could easily have helped but she went mad at me for asking saying I was selfish and didn’t care
She also makes up madnesses which she tries to busy me with such as neighbour disputes etc . It’s a nightmare trying to make sure I don’t do something unwarranted out of pressure like call the neighbour etc but do enough to get her off my back ( like draft suggestions for a letter ). Then I get the guilt / you’re a lawyer and my friends say you should help me and why isn’t my own daughter helping .....

My mum is so much about the drama.

Years ago she rang me sobbing down the phone so much I really thought someone had died. She couldn’t talk for 5 mins while gasping, retching and sobbing. Turned out her Internet was down. Seriously. This was a woman in her 60s.

The other odd thing she did was being a total narc she used to boast about her superior genius/Mensa level intelligence all the time. But st the same time was either as thick as shit about some stuff or faking being as thick as shit.

I have lost count of the number of times I took her at her request to an atm machine to show her how to withdraw cash. I mean I taught myself at age 16! Ditto stuff like checking tyre pressure at the petrol station. She must be faking it, nobody is this thick.

lisalisa. Wanting to be the centre of attention and major sulking when that doesn’t happen is classic narc behaviour so I would say quite possibly.

Omg this is so sad. My DP’ ex-wife is a narc. The worst part is that she accuses him of being one. She is now destroying her children’s lives. His DS is now old enough to live on his own, thank God. But his DD is 16 and lives with her. She forbidden her DD to have any contact with her brother or father or she would kill herself. She lies about their finances to her DD, saying DP gives no money (DP gives her way more than he should). She refuses to get a job and calls her DS and threatens to kill herself if the poor lad doesn’t send her money (which he does and then call DP to cover his overdraft).
On social media she poses as a victim.
She wanted DP to leave hohos home so she could spend few weeks in town. DP refused (as he pays her a posh apartment) and she them posted on social media that she was homeless!!!!!!!! It just never stops.
DP is hopeless. All lawyers says it’s inposs to get custody of DD unless she decides it herself. He hasn’t talked to his DD in 18 months now...

lisalisa I would google and read resources about Cluster B Personality Disorders. It is obviously inappropriate to diagnose and impossible unless you are a psychiatrist/psychologist but what I find helpful is if you can say many of the behaviours of people struggling with Cluster B PDs seem very familiar and ring true you can then read lots of support forums and books for family members who are relating (or deciding to go LC or NC) to those with these behaviors. I personally found them very constructive and helpful. It is much easier to tease apart what about your interactions could be triggering certain behaviors.

A very good example as mentioned by Nico is people with these PDs feel very insecure and struggle when they are not the focus of a major social event. If you realize that in advance you can plan for it and you can also decide if it is appropriate to have that person present if their behaviour may be destructive rather than constructive.

It helps you understand IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU! It is not your fault or responsiblity if a person behaves that way and that can be a weight off the family’s shoulders.

Thanks peeky, that makes sense.

Lisa, my mum's behaviour around my terminally ill dad was shocking. She often didn't visit. She visited but spent time talking to staff, getting a tour of the facility, arranging his room be changed to one with a better view. When dad was at home she ordered him around as she always had, getting cross if he misunderstood an instruction (he'd had a brain tumour removed and lost his speech processing). Talked constantly about how awful it was for her.

Now he's gone, she has no understanding that her children have lost their dad. It's all about her.

for you all, some of these stories are just horrendous.
@Mishappening, your last post is very wise. I have been through the mill over the years trying to rationalise and accomodate my parents behaviour and only over the last 9 months or so have had the lightbulb moment that it's me that has to alter my reaction to it.
This mostly due to being on here and reading through these threads. But I hesitate to post anything because compared to most of these stories my mum isn't bad at all.
I'm going to document it here for myself so feel free to ignore the ramble.

• has a now non-existent circle of friends, has dwindled over the years
• has cut contact with her own siblings and has stopped df seeing any of his family other than his mother who they treat very well. But I'm beginning to see that as a bit of a contest with other family as to who can do better/spend more money on her.
• constantly pleads poverty and moans about how difficult her life is whem I know from my df that they are quite comfortable. She was worried about paying for a holiday one year so dh and i gave them some money and they bought a new piece of tech with it.
• rewrites history to paint herself in a better light
• is never wrong about anything. Even when presented with concrete evidence she will make more and more ridiculous statements rather than admit to being mistaken, she thinks she is incredibly clever
• is an Olympian level sulker, if you ask what the matter is its either 'Nothing' or PA comments where you have to second guess your crime.
• tries to play my db and I off against one another. I think she really dislikes that we are close.
• always has some sort of overegged drama ongoing, with workmen or neighbours.
• has said so many vile things to me I just think ah shes on one but then afterwards realise how nasty it was. I remember her telling me in the middle of my uni finals that she and df were divorcing out of the blue and then it was never mentioned again. They are still together.

So many instances where you shrug things off and excuse things. I'm still in two minds about it all.

The life ling impact of my DM narc is my inability to understand or accept kindness from others. It is quite honestly beyond me as to why anyone in their right mind should compliment me, congratulate me or say they love me.
In my world there is no such thing as the truth as I was constantly told I was a liar. Now I am obsessed with telling the truth and nevereav8ng anyone the opportunity to say otherwise.
Hating myself is standard practise.
I haven't held on to anger etc but the intrinsic damage done by neglectful, abusive parenting is irreparable. It isn't something that can be repaired by forgiveness and livi.g with that damage is hard, hard work for myself and those around me.
Meanwhile, in mad DM land; life strolls o u changed
So that's nice

Omg @FeminaSum until you mentioned it I had forgotten about the badly fitting clothes!

Up until about 5 (her preferred ages being 5 down, more malleable) I was dressed in pretty dresses from an expensive shop she liked to go to.

Then I grew too big for her liking I think. I wasn't fat but she called me the fat one of the family, in public. But it was my feet that bothered her! She went on and on about my feet. I apparently had feet so wide that only boys' shoes would do. I was often mortified.

One truly terrible year she made me wear old lady boots for winter at school. I cried and cried about them. I was about 12 I reckon, they were literally for elderly ladies, marketed as such, with furry insides and hideous brown plasticky looking leather. I can see them now. Even my ancient self, who quite likes a sensible boot these days, would not be seen dead in them.

What a peculiar woman she was, and is.

I was so so happy when my dad took me shoe shopping once and let me get girls' loafers, the in thing at the time.

my df, I think is a narc. I never heard of the term until mn. We always put it down to being an only child, but I don't think that's the case.

He's a charmer, when younger would charm the ladies, have affairs, lie and get very nasty and/or cry when caught out nasty when caught out.

He was violent to me, held my head underwater at the age of 4, because I was scared of water, ran a hunting knife down my stomach @8, because I had made a noise when my mum was in bed with a migraine, whipped me with the buckle of dog collar.

Would pretend to be kind and caring if friends were over, but that wasfew and far between, as we realised what he was like and didnt have friends over.

He thinks he is better than everyone else, cleverer, stronger, in more pain.

would keep tabs on mum when she used to visit me, calling her every 5 mins demanding to know where she was.

Told me I should abort my third child, because I had two healthy and this one would be disabled. This child has always been deemed as a problem child, by him, called the pita, by him.

Was told that brains were never given out to me when I was born, this was a few year's ago, when I did some exams.

Demands, dictates and if this doesn't work gets violent, or silent treatment.

When my mum was dying, refused to sign dnr form, twisted it to all about him, his poorly back, heart etc. Faked a heart attack, two weeks before she died. Refused for her to have a funeral until 8 weeks after she died, because he would not go to her funeral in a wheelchair.

He's cut me from the will, because I dared to bring up the abuse of my childhood, with the 'oh you can still have a chance if you're a proper daughter'.
I had a tattoo for mum recently, twisted it to all about him. The list is endless, I'm in my mid 40s and wish to god I never have to set eyes on him again.

oh and I forgot, mum died 6ish years ago, she's kept in an urn at the house, 'she is locked in my heart and will be buried with me when I die' I find that chilling. No way is it going to happen.

Whenever she was annoyed with me or my dad, saying she’d divorce him and take my brother and never see us again. Started when I was about five.

Hit me with various objects as a child and told me to stop crying, I was lucky because other parents would break their children’s arms if they were bad.

Never being proud of exam results. Never good enough, but bragging to family about how proud she was. I was in a private school on a bursary.

Picking fights, dragging me back into the room by my hair when I tried to walk away from an argument as a teenager, then ringing family to tell them I’d hit her which they always believed

After my dad left she met a new boyfriend, told me he thought I was beautiful (I thought this was my first compliment ever) but then quickly followed it up with “but he’s full of shit”. I was 17.

I went NC at 18. Death in the family and ended up back in touch by default. She’d largely stopped drinking by that point and seemed vaguely more human although I kept my distance.

She always said she’d been regularly beaten as a child, threatened with a hot iron, etc. After she died, my aunties and uncles told me it was all lies

I can’t fathom it tbh. As an adult I’m just desparately sad that nobody ever noticed or intervened even when I was bleeding in the street or had bruised ribs.

I had no idea how to parent my DC but read every parenting book going so I didn’t fuck them up. Still give cuddles every day and tell them I love them several times a day even though they’re teenagers now and probably don’t appreciate it lol. Never hit them and walk away if I start to feel angry. I basically spend my entire life trying to be the opposite of her.

Quite cathartic writing it down.

Thank you all so much . Picklemepopcorn what you say about your mums behaviour around your terminally ill dad could have been written by me . So, so much is beginning to add up now

Mokepon a lot of what you said is true of my mum
Too , what an eye opener this thread is . Just when you think you can’t learn anything new....

I had a bit of a revelation about clothes today. It's been confusing, sometimes she's very positive about how I look (though a bit backhanded), other times really nasty. She only praises me when I am wearing something she has chosen or lent to me. When I am wearing my own things she finds fault (that doesn't look good from behind/you look better in a dress/why do you wear such strange clothes). She can't say anything nice unless she can take credit for it.

Very trivial in comparison with other things, but still it was a revelation!

Told me I should abort my third child, because I had two healthy and this one would be disabled.

Just re-read, dc3 is not disabled, but he wanted me to abort just in case.

Mishappening I hear what you are saying about holding onto anger. Drinking someone else's poison will only harm yourself and all that.

My DM has a diagnosis. I understand that it was caused by severe abuse, most likely sexual as well as physical. But I need to be angry at her. All those years of pain don't disappear and I can either be angry at her, the world, or myself. None are amazing options but I refuse to hate the entire world and I deserve better than to blame myself. My anger towards her is what finally keeps me from engaging and therefore protects me from further abuse. Whilst I understand why she behaves like she does, her own trauma does not excuse how she abused me. I'm going to stay angry at her and that's ok.

I'm not as articulate as Mishappening and appreciate it was thoughtful and considered but I wanted to give an alternative perspective to others that may be struggling with this.

Tripping - it's absolutely okay to be angry with what your mother did to you. But you can also pass that anger backwards to whomever caused your mother to suffer the way she did, creating her own abusive persona. I'm not at all saying you should forgive or even contact your mother - but recognise that it's not entirely her fault either, and blame the previous generation(s) for that too.

Of course, she could have done what many on here have done and made the decision to be completely different from her own parents - and she didn't do that - but I believe that a lot of that is down to the situation where people didn't discuss what went on "behind closed doors", where going for counselling was seen as some form of weakmindedness, and god forbid anyone should "air their dirty linen in public". This meant that your mother had no outside support to realise just how wrong her upbringing was, and therefore less chance to escape it. She could STILL have made different choices, of course she could - but she maybe had less chance to, iyswim.

You can still be angry that she wasn't the mother you deserved. xx

Can’t really describe in detail, cos it’s too outing, needless to say she excelled herself, no mean feat given that this is a woman who wore her own wedding dress to her eldest daughters wedding. Needles to say I spent a large part of the day sobbing.

Oops excelled herself today, I mean.

Took me on holiday after my Foster siblings had left (felt this acutely) and let me date a random 30 year old man (I was 15) he basically a paedo 😂)
, I got obsessed with him and she blamed me cos I 'ruined her holiday'
... Asked my boyf to look at her spot on her upper inner thigh as he was in medical training and promptly lifts dress to show him... Swore black was white she wouldn't tell a soul I was preggers (I'd had scares and nearly lost him) explained in great detail exactly why and she promised, but she told my uncle, when challenged 'oh it was only uncle..'
... Tipped up Dec 23rd to 'help us' move house. (I was 6 months preggers) an it was urgent as we had to get out, opened the door to my Dad demanding I see to her as she had 'sprained' her ankle crossing the road and demanded I take her to minor injuries (in middle of the move).
Had a stand off with husband about wedding and refused to pay unless so in so invited... Endless love 😂