Tell me your narc dm's most outrageous stunts.

[oooz]

I'm in therapy decades after an abusive upbringing and the penny's only just dropped that my dm was a narc! Watching videos on narcissism I'm going 'Yes, yes, yes!' - it's all my experience. Playing the guilt card. Taking your successes for their own. Gaslighting. The control. It's SO refreshing finally learning my own truth. Now I've found this I want to learn as much as possible. Please share your experiences.

Also held my DC up right next to Thomas Steam train so he could 'get a good look' he was 2 at the time and I had to scream at her and explain that steam is feckin HOT!!!

I didn't know it had a name before MN and the stately homes threads.

This year I was able to organise a surprise party for my dad, if she had still been alive it would have not been a secret and she would have been the centre of attention.

Oh yes. The inability to keep secrets and ability to ruin surprises. She even acknowledges that she’s crap at secrets and surprises in “oh I just get so excited, silly me” way.

This has been amazing. When I started the thread I had no idea it would run to so many pages. It's been quite cathartic reading all the replies and it's jogged so many memories for me that I now see in a new light. I'll share a few:

Firstly, one I remembered this morning, the utter abandonment of my dm driving away and leaving me when I was in labour. She'd been visiting for the weekend, I was due and I had those early, very light contractions. Whilst we were chatting at home, I stood rhythmically swaying - very gently - just to 'be' with it. Later on we went out to a favourite restaurant, 4 of us, me my dh, dm & step df. I was swaying gently in my chair the whole time by this point. She actually said 'I think the baby will be here very soon'. But after the meal she got up to drive home. I was incredulous and asked her to stay but no, she left. My contractions really ramped up within the next hour & my waters broke so we made our way to hospital. In the car I phoned her and begged her to return to help me through the birth. She said 'no' she had work the next day. If being there for your daughter giving birth isn't a cast-iron reason to bunk a day at work then I don't know what is.. Then the baby arrives next day & on the phone she says incredulously 'Oh, so she did come then!' (had a baby dd) Like I could have held it in for another few days

When I was 16 she was having a clear-out and she gave me an old velvet purse full of Indian silver jewellery and a few rings. Someone in a previous generation had served over there. When I was 18 she took it back 'I think I'll have this, it belongs to me' - never saw it again.

When I got married my bridesmaid said to her 'What d'you think of oooz?' -in full wedding regalia. My dm moodily shrugged and said 'Well, it's not oooz is it?' My bridesmaid said 'What do you mean? No one looks like their ordinary self on their wedding day, after all, you wouldn't wear jeans & a t-shirt'. To which my dm said 'Don't see why not!' Utter bollocks. If I'd rocked up to church in a pair of old jeans & a t-shirt she'd have been aghast & in tears at the shame of it.

She regularly threw my toys away as a child and as I sit here thinking about it, I believe she purposefully made me look ugly to punish my father (who adored me). She gave me an army haircut where I'd had long hair and ribbons and made me wear these awful garish brown tartan trousers & turtle neck to match.

I remember my first student job. Working in a care home. I noticed after breakfast that there were so many tablets on the floor the elderly clearly weren't getting the benefit of the medication. So I went & told the manager and we made a list of what meds were found by which seats. She was very grateful. My dm stopped by to pick me up at the end of the day and the manager came over to praise me to my dm. 'She's the most conscientious student we've ever had here'. To which my dm replied 'Yes, she gets it from me'. No I fucking didn't.

It was always about what I could do for her. She was like a vacuum sucking everything in.

I have a question to those who have gone NC with parents. How did they react to your decision?

I’ve told my parents that I no longer wish to be part of their lives, and explained why. They just can’t leave me be.

I went nc. I didn't even really explain. I just reached breaking point on the phone one day & said 'I don't trust you with my children, leave me alone' and I put the phone down. I took the landline out & never had it reinstalled and I changed my email. Three letters have come over the years and I've just ignored them. Any parcels for the kids were returned unopened. I had one distant flying monkey and I ignored her as well.

Deciding at the 11th hour that she could not collect DF from hospital after heart surgery and dumping it on me. Developing a health scare just as he was coming home from hospital making me do a repeat 2 hour round trip the next day to take her to the GP. Made me go into the GP appointment with her. When the GP asked why she was there, she turned to me and said "why am I here?" GP could find nothinf wronf with her. FFS

CraicMummy
I haven't explained. There would be no point because she wouldn't understand.

I'm afraid that if they haven't respected you in the past (which is presumably why you have gone NC), they are unlikely to respect your wishes over going NC either, so you will need to be prepared to enforce the boundary you've set.

I have blocked her on my mobile. She has only phoned the landline 3 times so far and left messages that I've simply deleted without listening to them. I am prepared to block her on there too if the phone calls don't stop. I've had two letters. I've kept them both to remind me of why I am NC. I have asked my DSis not to tell me anything she says about me behind my back.

I am also having counselling. I think that's important for me, otherwise I'd feel as though I was just burying the problem without addressing the issues it has brought up for me.

My father took it badly - he was the one allowed to be moody and punish me by NC if I dared ask him a question (for three years! I'd asked him if we could meet to discuss something and that I'd rather talk face to face about it - inheritance matter - and he didn't talk to me for three years). He was most upset when I stopped giving a damn and didn't jump when he said jump.

My bio mother attacked me physically and also took it badly when I said that wasn't ok. She'd whitewashed it from her memory and said that unless I gave her a grovelling apology we would have no further contact. She later threw what remained of my childhood belongings onto the lawn overnight, I was very lucky it didn't rain before someone rescued them.

With it being exam results day it's brought up a couple of memories to do with that.

I'm old so I sat 'O' Levels. One of my cousins was taking a couple but mainly CSEs so our exams were on different days and she finished hers first. My mum invited my cousin to stay on days she didn't have an exam.

I remember being woken up at midnight by my brother and cousin messing around in the kitchen directly below my bedroom, I only had 2 'O' Levels later on that day.

When the CSE results came out I was staying with another relative abroad. My mum wrote a letter telling the cousins I was staying with (much younger and a different system) how fantastically clever she was for getting 7 'top grades', leaving my 16 year old self to try to diplomatically explain why I didn't have any results.

On 'O' Level results day she phoned around a couple of relatives whose children had also taken their exams, then she told me how well I'd done in comparison to my relatives.

I have to confess to playing her at her own game a bit. So when I went to my first ball (living 100+ miles away) I had a photo taken with my hair done in my posh frock, on a trip 'home' most of my relatives saw the photo, my mum didn't. She was fuming, I kept forgetting to take it round.

It's difficult. I have been nc or very very low c since Easter last year when she basically told me she was cutting me out of the will in such an offhand manner that it prompted a very unpleasant discussion in which she accused me of making things up about what my (dead) dad had said in passing to me about this sort of thing about 15 years ago (his wishes etc, she said he hadn't told her and therefore I was lying).

She was projecting massively, thought I would kick off about the will, but I didn't. I kicked off about the way she spoke to me (in front of my dc), making out I was a liar and a nothing. I said to her then that she had treated me differently all my life. Her reply was classic. Instead of concern that her daughter would say such a thing (I would be on the floor begging to talk about it if my dd said this to me), she said to me

"Aren't you conceited for thinking I treated you differently from the others". Said with venom I might add. Horrible woman.

Anyway, since then, she has told everyone in the family that i insulted her by saying during that discussion, very mildly I thought, that she hadn't been the kind of mother I had hoped she would be.

She absolutely hasn't got over that. Apparently it was a slap in the face and she's basing her complete disregard of my dc since on that.

I say complete disregard, but she has sent them Christmas and birthday presents through the post (she likes to be seen to do the 'right' thing) I haven't sent them back, perhaps I should start?

The one time she phoned, to speak to my dd on her 8th birthday, I challenged her about whether she was only going to ring them twice a year. She said "they can ring me". They are 11 and 8!! I said to her then, 'you are the grandparent, and the parent!' She didn't say anything back.

Craic you have to go NC and mean it. You have done the hard bit which is telling them. Then you have to have absolutely no contact. You block them on your phone and email. Anything send is destroyed. Even returning things is contact of sorts.

They may react badly - either coming back with The Mystery Illness (which you have obviously caused) or by sending in Flying Monkeys Relatives and family friends to tell you what a fucking cow you are for breaking your poor mothers heart.

In either case, you stand firm, you do it respond or react. If you want you can tell Monkeys that they really don't know the full story but you do not wish to discuss it. if they persist you have to cut them off too.

My own DM went without much of a murmur. Once she realised I had really come to the end of my tether and had seen through her, I was of no further use to her, and in fact I posed a threat as I might continue to flag up her bad behaviour to others. So, some of get off easy.

Good luck

Craic my mother hounded me with super sweet phonecalls when she had people visiting but totally PA. "I love you so much, I know you're far too busy to visit and if I just wasn't so ill I'd come to you" shite. The only way I could find was by blocking her on my phone and social media sites. She doesn't know where I live -because she never bothered asking when we were talking- so I would assume that makes a difference too. My nerves be shattered for days after dealing with her and I had to cut contact for my own mental health.

Am in hospital. Mum offered to take me to and from my sons school in the morning (I'd got a pass to see him into his first day, I've been looking forward to seeing my baby in his uniform and so proud for months). She was 25 minutes late. No apology. No explanation. The 1 hr car journey was a special form of hell. Every (and I'm not exaggerating) single comment was a dig, passive aggressive or just blatantly. When we inevitably missed it, she essentially threw me out of the car without saying anything other than "I did my best" and drove off (she saw my husband there and how angry he was. She's scared of him because he wont put up with her bullshit, she's like this with my BIL's too). Spent the rest of the day in tears. I just wanted a Mum, but obviously forgot that's not what I have. I have the evil cow that is MY mother. She got her hooks in when I was feeling really vulnerable and has made me 10 times worse. (I'm in hospital for perinatel depression, which she doesn't believe is a thing)

I haven't decided whether NC is feasible or practical, but LC was working ok before. I just can't look at her or think about her without these waves of sadness and grief washing over me, that she genuinely doesn't like or love me. I spent so much time and effort working to be at peace with this and now I feel like I'm back to square one. It's not like I don't think she loves me, I KNOW she doesn't and I had thought I was ok and was a really strong woman, who'd been througha lot and that I could use my adverse experience to help others and now she's reduced me to this weak pathetic little girl again.

If I go NC, I know that she'll take it out on my sister, who she, if possible, more cruel to. But my sister is too kind a person to just tell her to fuck off. So if I tell Mum I can't deal with her, and she's making me ill, she'll go and try and whisper her poison in my sister's ear and when my sister doesn't respond, she'll throw a massive tantrum, be verbally abusive to her then retreat into her massive country-house spider web.

@Yourenotcrazyitsyourmother

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. Please do go NC. I know you're worried about your sister but look after yourself first and then you'll be able to help your sister too.

Just because your sister is mild and seems to be more of a victim, don't assume she won't reach her limit and step back from your mother too.

Please at least try NC for a period of time, for instance telling yourself that you'll have 6 months of peace then look at things again.

However difficult NC can be, the weight of not having the stress and agony lifts almost magically. Other stresses just don't compare to what you have been carrying without realising it.

I just don't understand why I feel the way I do. I'm devastated about missing my DS first day, this isn't the worst she's done by a long shot. But I still can't bear the thought of the pain in her face if I tell her she can't see the grandchildren who are 5 +3 and one on the way, although I can guarantee she wont give a shit about him. Her response when I told her I was pregnant was "Oh, very nice (thin lipped smile)". With the other two when i told her, one she rolled her eyes, and the other her exact words were "oh, christ". She's though I was an evil, manipulating lolita (she doesn't understand that lolita was the victim in that book, not the antagonist) since pretty much the day I was born. My sis is the 'golden child' (some of the time) but this is as equally awful for her as it is for me to be the black sheep). I wish I could bring myself to say to her, "look what you've done, you've actually put me in hospital!!!!!" because without question, the foundations she laid in my child and adulthood have led to this.

I feel like I've never been a whole person, just a kind of shell made up of fragments and underneath I'm the evil manipulator she says I am, and when I feel as vulnerable as I do just now, the horrible person that she thinks I am shines through.

You'renotcrazy - our mothers are the absolute best at being able to reduce us to that status again, because they've known us since we were born. They know our weaknesses, they know exactly what makes us vulnerable and they know how we were as little children.

Counselling helped me to realise that I was not the person my mother saw. That her view of me was wrong, skewed by her own feelings, but not a true view of ME. But another thing that really helped was a "mind trick" I learnt - you need to create for yourself a mental suit of armour to help protect you against her slings and arrows of venom. Mine looks like a radiation suit! So you see this protective suit in your mind, make it any colour you like, and make it of any material you like but the most important thing is that this suit covers your entire body and is completely impervious to any negativity. Your mother's (and others') vicious barbs will bounce off it and fail to reach you. You can look at her as an "emotional vampire or leech" - she's feeding off the emotional energy that you leak whenever she pierces you with one of her stings. So you cut off her supply entirely - put on your suit before you have any interaction with her at all - it covers every part of you, remember, and fits perfectly. Your suit will protect you from anything she can throw at you - yet you can still feel, see and hear other people normally. See yourself dressed in your suit - the more detail, the better (colour, fabric, shape etc.) - and know that it is completely impenetrable. That you are totally safe inside it and she is wasting her time and energy trying to pierce it. You'll find that your mind will help you sometimes - you'll put on your suit and find it's changed a bit, without you ever consciously suggesting it!
Try it, anyway - you might be surprised at how it will make you feel stronger and more empowered yourself. :)

Thank you Thumbwitchesabroad, that's really good advice. Am going to try and work on building my suit

MY sister calls them (the arrows) her 'tick claws', ie once they're in, they're not coming out again until she's sucked your juice out

So many, too many to list..

1. Blaming me for being stuck in a miserable marriage and feeling suicidal as she 'didn't want to put me through a divorce'. I was 8. They are still married and I moved out 12 years ago.
2. Giving away my stuff - clothes, toys, computer to relatives and friends without asking and getting enraged about how 'ungrateful' and 'selfish' I am if I dared to ask why/ where my stuff had gone and finding it at a relative's house a few weeks later.
3. Trying to make me and my DH's wedding all about her. She still tells me 'a part of her has died' because I/we didn't include her enough. We invited her to the tasting at the caterers, to preview the venue, asked her opinion on flowers, music, bridesmaid's dresses - obviously not good enough. I asked her to plan a bridal shower as 'her thing' as she was crying about how I hadn't included her enough a - she said the only way she'd do it is if I dis-invited my best friend who was also my maid of honour!!!!!
4. Trying to establish Low contact and things have escalated - she's now accused me of assaulting her 6 months ago (first I've heard of it) and has threatened to tell everyone and possibly file a police report.

It's so painful and it's taken me a long time to realise this is not how this relationship should be.
Reading through everyone's stories makes me feel less alone. Thank you everyone for sharing

I've found the 'stately homes' thread really helpful too with the links - I'd recommend checking those out to anyone else who's dealing with this.

My first day on mumsnet and this is where I've ended up - I'm really scared I'm going to turn into her now we're expecting our first

Wilderness that sounds awful . Don't worry about turning into her - A narcissist wouldn't worry about being a narcissist if you see what I mean. They lack all self awareness and only ever see things in relation to themselves. A narcissist has no self awareness and an infinite amount of self regard. Not a pleasant combination

@peekyboo - thank you so much for your advvice too. I think I'm going to try at least limiting contact as far as Iu can for the next few months, certainly until and after the baby's here. It's the only way to keep myself (and my husband ) sane xxxx