He's lying isn't he?

[CheesyPizza]

Hi everyone. I am an extremely long term lurker but first time poster.

I have been married for 4 years, together 8. We have one DS who is 6yo.

Over the last year or so my "D"H has been falling to sleep in our DS's bed, claiming that my snoring etc is keeping him awake. OK, I get it. He works long hours. I can't deny it made me suspect he doesn't fancy me anymore though.

After time I suppose you get used to it and it starts to become the norm. We were supposed to be TTC but he keeps putting it off. Instead of having a grown up discussion about it with me he has text me then rings me lunch time at work.

Then he changes his mind and wants to TTC again, then not and we go back and forth. The reasons are financial, he doesn't think we can afford it.

DH is a fantastic father, just not a great husband.

I didn't receive anything for Valentines day this year, not even a card. We aren't big on Valentine's day but he always gets me a card and chocolates so when he didn't this year, I asked myself why.

We have my family coming to stay shortly so I have been cleaning out the house. On the radiator by the front door is full of letters to my Husband, bank stuff and junk mail. I have asked him countless times to sort through them and check there is nothing important there but time and time again he just ignores me.

Well last night I had had enough so I started opening them. Some important pension information etc etc then a bank statement.

I will admit that I looked through them because something hasn't been right for ages.

There is a debit for interflora, Ticketmaster and a room in one of our areas "poshest" hotels.

A room per night typically costs anywhere between £290 and £500 (I have looked). I haven't been to any concert or show with him, and I definitely haven't received any fucking flowers.

This was about 2 months ago.

I approached him with the evidence this morning and he said that his friend was surprising his wife, however they have a joint bank account so he physically took the money out of a cash point and gave it to my DH to then put in HIS bank account and purchase the above for his friend.

I asked what friend and he refused to tell me. Saying that I should trust him.

During the last few months he has been "working away" a lot so it is very possible.

Also, a colleague told me about 3 years ago that he used to see him in clubs all of the time without his wedding ring (colleague is a doorman on weekends), but I didn't believe him because who would pay that much attention to someones ring finger? I felt like he was stirring but I guess now I have egg on my face.

I just don't know what to do. I can never get access to his phone, he has removed his Facebook (or blocked me). I guess the evidence is the bank statement but he is acting so nonchalant about it, it's making it difficult to keep bringing up. I feel like I have had no resolution despite the huge evidence he is playing away.

help me :(

It isn't looking good realistically OP too many things adding up for an affair.. make sure your certain before you make any decisions but if i was in your position there's enough evidence for me x

It’s pretty clear he is having an affair.

I’d keep the bank statements and get a solicitor.

What do you want to do? It sounds like your marriages is over either way, no communication no physical intimacy no affection.

Sounds like a big fat lie to me.

His bank statement would show the cash deposit into his account!

Why would you want another child with a crap husband?

You don't need proof of an affair to end your marriage. You can end a marriage for any reason.

In your case, you don't trust him and he is not willing to try to reassure you.

Does the bank statement show evidence of a deposit equal to the value of the tickets, flowers and hotel? If it does then looks like he is telling the truth. If not, then sorry, I wouldn't believe him either

Get your glad rags on, go for a drink with your girls and have a good old bitch.
it does sound very suspicious.
Go and have some fun, get dolled up and let his know what hes missing or what he may lose.
wishing you well

I didn't even think about the deposit, my eyes were fixated on these debits. Of course he has his bank statement back now so I can't even go back and check it.

@HouseworkIsASin10 I don't want another anymore :(

Does he ever pay cash in to his account OP? If not the deposit of his 'friend's' cash should be easy to find, or he will need to explain why it's not there. I would keep digging and try to back him into a corner, the least you deserve is the truth

If he has blocked you on Facebook where previously you weren't then I'm afraid he's definitely hiding something.

If he had the money from the friend he'd be keen to show you where it shows it's been deposited, or he'd tell you who the friend was.

He's lying.

Time to get everything sorted.

So ask to see them again, if he's angry and defensive point out that he should care about your peace of mind and if he's telling the truth he shouldn't have a problem with you checking. His reaction will tell you a lot

Sorry but this is total bullshit. He is having an affair. Keep the evidence and make an appointment to see a solicitor. Sorry.

He's definitely having an affair, maybe interflora could tell you where the flowers were delivered too? I do think you need hard evidence before you confront him but it's not looking good :(

Good luck xxx

You can't take more than £200 out of a cash machine at any one time.

Yeah, there is someone else, I'm sorry.

Actually that's not true for everyone I don't think... I always thought it was! Ignore me.

Oh that's a shame he has the statement now, as you could do further investigating and now he knows you're on to him, he destroy anything like that. Are there any other letters lying around that you can look through.

But even if you can't find evidence of any cheating the way he's been treating you doesn't sound good.

Come on, OP, he's lying through his bloody teeth. And you SHOULD have listened to the bouncer - it sounds as though he saw him behaving inappropriately and then noticed his missing wedding ring.

This is one cocky bastard you're married to. What are you going to do now?

Get a friend or colleague to search for him on Facebook, someone he wouldn't have blocked (he may have blocked your closest friends) That'll show if he still has it.

You 'should' trust him? Trust is earned and at the moment he's completely disrespecting you and with his refusal to appease your worries I'd be making thoughts to move away from him too.

Keep an eye on the post, but he may have registered now to not receive paper statements anymore, call the hotel - say you stayed there with him under his name last month and left something in the room, have they found it? (should confirm if he was there, unless the room was booked under another name)

He might’ve just used the cash paid to him by the “friend” rather than paying it in (I don’t pay cash in, too much faff) but that’s neither here nor there. If he says that’s what happened and if he cared about his marriage he’d move heaven and earth to prove what happened. He isn’t doing that because he’s been caught but he thinks he can brazen it out.

Sorry OP. I’d get lawyered up if I were you.

I'm sorry OP but I really doubt it's anything innocent.

I agree about asking a friend to search for him on facebook, or someone on here can do it for you. I would trust what the bouncer said to you all those years ago, as PP said he probably noticed inappropriate behaviour and then the ring. It's not that common that people make that stuff up for the fun of it.

Even in the unlikely event he isn't cheating it sounds like the marriage is over anyway.

He's lying. His friend could have used a credit card (bill comes later) or withdrawn the money on separate occasions. His mate could have said the hotel was a work expense.

He doesn't want another child...because he may be planning to leave you and OW who he has previously told he sleeps in another room will wonder how you got pregnant and be furious with him. He doesn't want to be disloyal to her.

If he was telling the truth he'd have told you who his friend is.

This is for when an affair is confirmed...but in your case I'd implement it from now.

The 180

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Seek support from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say “I Love You”. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her, /his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she/he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

I’m so sorry, CheesyPizza

You need a lawyer.

There is no reason on God's earth why he couldn't have told you which friend (obviously if he comes out with a name later he would've had time to get a mate to cover for him). He's probably "sleeping" separately so he can stay up texting OW.

Did your H tell you at the time he was going to clubs?

I am on lunch and rang him because I was feeling anxious about it all.

He is still denying it but now saying that we should break up because I obviously don't trust him!!!

I can't breathe

So sorry - no it doesn't look good.

How are you set up? Do you own or rent? Do you work?