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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's lying isn't he?

178 replies

CheesyPizza · 03/08/2018 12:50

Hi everyone. I am an extremely long term lurker but first time poster.

I have been married for 4 years, together 8. We have one DS who is 6yo.

Over the last year or so my "D"H has been falling to sleep in our DS's bed, claiming that my snoring etc is keeping him awake. OK, I get it. He works long hours. I can't deny it made me suspect he doesn't fancy me anymore though.

After time I suppose you get used to it and it starts to become the norm. We were supposed to be TTC but he keeps putting it off. Instead of having a grown up discussion about it with me he has text me then rings me lunch time at work.

Then he changes his mind and wants to TTC again, then not and we go back and forth. The reasons are financial, he doesn't think we can afford it.

DH is a fantastic father, just not a great husband.

I didn't receive anything for Valentines day this year, not even a card. We aren't big on Valentine's day but he always gets me a card and chocolates so when he didn't this year, I asked myself why.

We have my family coming to stay shortly so I have been cleaning out the house. On the radiator by the front door is full of letters to my Husband, bank stuff and junk mail. I have asked him countless times to sort through them and check there is nothing important there but time and time again he just ignores me.

Well last night I had had enough so I started opening them. Some important pension information etc etc then a bank statement.

I will admit that I looked through them because something hasn't been right for ages.

There is a debit for interflora, Ticketmaster and a room in one of our areas "poshest" hotels.

A room per night typically costs anywhere between £290 and £500 (I have looked). I haven't been to any concert or show with him, and I definitely haven't received any fucking flowers.

This was about 2 months ago.

I approached him with the evidence this morning and he said that his friend was surprising his wife, however they have a joint bank account so he physically took the money out of a cash point and gave it to my DH to then put in HIS bank account and purchase the above for his friend.

I asked what friend and he refused to tell me. Saying that I should trust him.

During the last few months he has been "working away" a lot so it is very possible.

Also, a colleague told me about 3 years ago that he used to see him in clubs all of the time without his wedding ring (colleague is a doorman on weekends), but I didn't believe him because who would pay that much attention to someones ring finger? I felt like he was stirring but I guess now I have egg on my face.

I just don't know what to do. I can never get access to his phone, he has removed his Facebook (or blocked me). I guess the evidence is the bank statement but he is acting so nonchalant about it, it's making it difficult to keep bringing up. I feel like I have had no resolution despite the huge evidence he is playing away.

help me :(

OP posts:
RamsayBoltonsConscience · 06/08/2018 22:30

It's not that expensive to change the locks if they are pvc door type ones. You need to take the lock off and replace the barrel. I'm sure there must be a You Tube video which shows you how to do it.

Original poster
CheesyPizza · 07/08/2018 12:17

DH came round today to announce that he is taking the family dog as he has more time for it than I.

I'm so fucking drained and I have the beginnings of a cold, can't stop coughing.

I've told him to fuck off not be so ridiculous regarding the dog.

I found some more bank statements last night. I am shocked that he left them in the kitchen drawer given the contents. Maybe he wanted me to find them?

Meals out on nights he told me he was working.

I have taken photos and put them with his stuff.

Today is hard. He has DS for the day. I told him he can't have him overnight until he has settled into his new place. God knows what he is telling DS, I can't keep him from his DF though.

He appeared back on Facebook last night. Must have reactivated it. I am not on his friends list but can see his profile. Nothing out of the ordinary. He hasn't updated it since 2016.

OP posts:
RatRolyPoly · 07/08/2018 12:44

Bloody hell Cheesy, what a chancer. But you were right, of course you were! Bloody well done on sticking to your guns. Not being taken for a mug anymore Brew

VanGoghsDog · 07/08/2018 12:45

When my ex left and I didn't want him to get in the house when I wasn't there, I left the front door key in the lock from the inside so it could not be opened from the outside and went out the back door, locked it and took the key with me. He didn't have a key for the back door.

Funnily enough, I got an angry call when I was out shopping asking why I had changed the locks and it was very good to be able to truthfully say I had not. :)

I took my time getting back to let him in. He had not bothered to let me know he was coming.

VanGoghsDog · 07/08/2018 12:51

I don't like that 180 stuff, it sounds dishonest and manipulative.

When I split with the most recent ex I did do all of that but because I was just getting on with my life, I was strong, independent, happy. And I was in no way at all hoping to win him back or make him come running.

If you want to work things out you need to be open and honest, not game playing.

If it's over, it's over, make your plans, move on, be strong.

SandyY2K · 07/08/2018 12:53

So in a roundabout way he admitted it?

esk1mo · 07/08/2018 13:06

im so angry for you OP

he thinks he’s living the life but soon it will come crashing down and he will realise what he has lost. you can tell him to piss off then too Smile

yetmorecrap · 07/08/2018 14:12

Ha, love to know given the bullshit he’s fed you how he can explain meals out when he has been ‘working’, not only is he a cheat, he is a crap cheat leaving bank statements around . What an arse, he could at least have come clean and been honest when caught

Joe66 · 07/08/2018 14:26

Op, take control. Change the locks. Inform everyone he is having an affair. Arrange formally for son to see his father, every other weekend, Friday to Monday (drop at school), plus overnight once in the week. That should curtail his activities. Apply for child maintenance. Personally I wouldn't bother with a divorce. If he wants one, he can apply and pay for it lol. Hope you are ok Flowers

FairyFace · 07/08/2018 16:38

Oh god OP he sounds like a manipulative prick, imagine cheating on your wife and mother of your child but then trying to drive you mad into the bargain. What a horrible person, please see him for what he is showing you, a thoughtless and dangerous prick, driving the mother of his child to tears and desperation is the worst thing ever, I couldn't look at him smirking I would seriously burst him but that's me . Try and be strong there is someone out there thatwill treat you like the queen you are xxx

blankiesandunicorns · 07/08/2018 20:19

Cheesy, the fact he is been such a manipulative, lying twat should help you hate him, which gives you adrenaline and that's a good thing.

Sorry you're going through this but you're being really strong. Keep going Thanks

Sj325 · 07/08/2018 22:28

Do you still have the bank statement which shows the supposed money being deposited before it was spent?

I reckon he’s at it.

NalderAndCollier · 07/08/2018 23:47

You should be the one to tell your DS. Otherwise he will twist it so you are the bad guy.

TheMythOfFingerprints · 08/08/2018 08:03

I once read on here a very handy tip, if your front and back doors have the same kind of lock then swap them (guides on YouTube), so he won't be able to get in but you haven't spent a penny.

Aprilshowersinaugust · 08/08/2018 11:07

Who is the ddogs microchip registered to?

Alfiemoon1 · 10/08/2018 16:51

How are u op. Who is the dogs micro chip registered to ?

bethy15 · 10/08/2018 17:58

I guessed there would be further evidence, there was no way his story was true, so it's clear what's been going on.

Does your mother know about your split? I'm sure she would change the locks for you if you told her. I feel you need to, you need your own space, not one he can enter when he wants.

Do you not want the dog? I wouldn't allow him to just take the dog on a whim.

Gemini69 · 10/08/2018 18:21

I'm so sorry reading this OP.. what a tosser he is... try to stay positive and focus on that 180 list Flowers

lapenguin · 10/08/2018 18:35

Stay strong 💪

SandyY2K · 10/08/2018 18:48

@VanGoghsDog

I don't like that 180 stuff, it sounds dishonest and manipulative

The 180 is often open to mis-interpretation. It is pretty easy to get lost in the details and lose sight of the underlying concept.

Fundamentally, it is all about personal empowerment and rebuilding your self esteem. It is not about manipulating your spouse and when this is not understood it interferes with the results. The goal of the 180 is to become the type of person that you want to be.

Godowneasy · 10/08/2018 19:31

If your D's loves the dog, you really need to keep it, at least for the time being, so you minimise the losses to your son.
The dog may actually be a big comfort to D's at this time of change and his father moved out of the family home.
Youre doing really well Cheesy, concentrate on you and D's and getting through each day and week. It will get easier.

Alfiemoon1 · 16/08/2018 22:10

Hope u are ok op

Sparkles1992 · 16/08/2018 22:47

This is so typical, my ex used to do things and when I'd catch him out he would say we should break up because I don't trust him. It drove me insane. We did break up in the end and it was him who ended it after I'd found him messaging other girls on Facebook. Looking back I should have ended things very early on- lesson learnt. I remember thinking why isn't he begging for forgiveness but it's because he didn't care! He came crawling back, and so will he but you'll be strong enough then to say thanks but no thanks! Thanks hope you're ok

candyangel · 16/08/2018 23:32

he sounds like a wrong un hun - you don't deserve this

ChocoholicsAsylum · 16/08/2018 23:51

Pitty you dont have the bank statement with the flower shop cos you could have went down to the place to see if they were delivered, take photo id and explain you need answers. Id not hold back from a clearly cheated on wife! But yes the fact he hasnt made any attempt to save the marriage either... just is disgusting. I am sorry x