He's lying isn't he?

[CheesyPizza]

Hi everyone. I am an extremely long term lurker but first time poster.

I have been married for 4 years, together 8. We have one DS who is 6yo.

Over the last year or so my "D"H has been falling to sleep in our DS's bed, claiming that my snoring etc is keeping him awake. OK, I get it. He works long hours. I can't deny it made me suspect he doesn't fancy me anymore though.

After time I suppose you get used to it and it starts to become the norm. We were supposed to be TTC but he keeps putting it off. Instead of having a grown up discussion about it with me he has text me then rings me lunch time at work.

Then he changes his mind and wants to TTC again, then not and we go back and forth. The reasons are financial, he doesn't think we can afford it.

DH is a fantastic father, just not a great husband.

I didn't receive anything for Valentines day this year, not even a card. We aren't big on Valentine's day but he always gets me a card and chocolates so when he didn't this year, I asked myself why.

We have my family coming to stay shortly so I have been cleaning out the house. On the radiator by the front door is full of letters to my Husband, bank stuff and junk mail. I have asked him countless times to sort through them and check there is nothing important there but time and time again he just ignores me.

Well last night I had had enough so I started opening them. Some important pension information etc etc then a bank statement.

I will admit that I looked through them because something hasn't been right for ages.

There is a debit for interflora, Ticketmaster and a room in one of our areas "poshest" hotels.

A room per night typically costs anywhere between £290 and £500 (I have looked). I haven't been to any concert or show with him, and I definitely haven't received any fucking flowers.

This was about 2 months ago.

I approached him with the evidence this morning and he said that his friend was surprising his wife, however they have a joint bank account so he physically took the money out of a cash point and gave it to my DH to then put in HIS bank account and purchase the above for his friend.

I asked what friend and he refused to tell me. Saying that I should trust him.

During the last few months he has been "working away" a lot so it is very possible.

Also, a colleague told me about 3 years ago that he used to see him in clubs all of the time without his wedding ring (colleague is a doorman on weekends), but I didn't believe him because who would pay that much attention to someones ring finger? I felt like he was stirring but I guess now I have egg on my face.

I just don't know what to do. I can never get access to his phone, he has removed his Facebook (or blocked me). I guess the evidence is the bank statement but he is acting so nonchalant about it, it's making it difficult to keep bringing up. I feel like I have had no resolution despite the huge evidence he is playing away.

help me :(

Your DS can be told his dad is going to say with a friend for a while. You are stronger than you think. Show your 'D'H just how strong!

Look up the cheaters' script or someone will link to it. This will prepare you for everything he is about to say and so you don't believe it. Start gathering evidence now including copies / photos of all important letters and bank statements, pension info etc. You could play for time and pretend to believe him.However, it sounds like he is cheating and is doing the common trick of pretending your accusations and lack of trust have destroyed him and that's why the marriage is ending. Then he promises to take care of you and the kids then he starts messing you about with money and acting like a stranger and a few months down the line, the girlfriend appears who he expects you to believe he has just met.

I can't breathe

Sorry you are going through this. I agree with the excellent 180 advice above, as for the breathing, concentrate on breathing out. Your body will do the in breath when your lungs are empty, just focus on breathing out, anytime you feel overwhelmed.

Stay strong and boot him out tonight. Do not fall for whatever bullshit story he tells you, or makes you doubt yourself.

My DS will hate me for it

No he won't. It's your DH that has broken this marriage, not you.

Try this link to see if you can guess which version of the script he goes with.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script

So sorry you are going through this OP

Your DS will grow into a young man who appreciates how strong his mum is. He will learn a lot from you taking control.

So sorry Op, He sounds like a total liar and really manipulative.

No your DS won't hate you, why would he do that?. His father is lying through his teeth and has done for years. Its a pity you disregarded what your work colleague who is a doorman on the weekends said at the time but that's done now.

Your son deserves too a better example of a father to look up to and emulate; how could you ever have written that he is a fantastic dad?. Women in poor relationships often write such rubbish when they can think of nothing positive about their man.

Your son won’t hate you for this at all!

When he is older and the truth comes out, it’s his father he’ll have the issue with!

He's a lying, cheating bastard and trying to turn this on you. Him destroying the marriage is all on him, not you! Don't let him try to blame you, he's the one havignt he affair.

Time to make sure you & DS are OK. Get copies of statements, P60s, pensions etc and get his bagged pack and on the door step for him to come home too. Sorry OP

Your DS won’t hate you OP, you’ve been left with no other option through no fault of your own.

You and your DS will move forward from this. Lots of cuddles and reassurance, he’ll cope because he has you

I’m sorry you’re going through such a horrible and difficult time

If I wasn't sure he was cheating on you initially OP, I don't doubt it for a second now. His reaction tells you all you need to know.

So sorry to hear this op, what a scumbag he is

just adding to the majority who reckon its a lie and that he's seeing someone else.

The chances are his "friend" would still have a hard job explaining large cash withdrawals from the joint account, have to come clean and that would remove the surprise so I can't see it as plausible.

I suspect he's denying it as he's not confident about the OW yet. I.e. do either want to be with the other long term or is it the thrill of illicit liasons which is sustaining the affair?

Sorry you're going through this.

It's pretty textbook for cheating bastards to turn it round on their partner and say they should split up because they don't trust him. It works for them both ways:

• Wife agrees and he gets to be with OW without being the bad guy
• Wife apologies and he gets to carry on having his cake

Your DS will not hate you for it. He might be confused at first but he will not hate you. He might have some anger towards his dad as he is older which I think is justified.

Op, he is now saying this because he knows you will ask to see that statement again and see no ‘credit’ what he said was probably a lie off the top of your head and he realises it won’t stick, any guy who was genuinely in the clear would have then said, look, you can see the £200 credit I paid in here, or give him a call , it’s Jim etc, etc. He doesn’t want to look a twat so now playing the let’s break up card , so you will get all panicky and not ask to see that statement again. Keep strong, keep calm, just accept he had actually moved on mentally, but sadly omitted to let you know that, as so many do because he is a coward

Is your Mum supportive? You need some rl support while this is going on.

Yeah if it was for a mate why on earth didn't he tell you when it happened? Or say he is telling the truth then, ok it's not nice to be accused of something you haven't done but surely he could see it looks very dodgy and like @yetmorecrap said he could quite of easily said it was Jim. If he had been a loving husband to you recently then maybe you would have believed it or at least tried to but the way he's been with you plus this is not you being a crazy jealous person so don't let him make out that you are.

Good luck op

So sorry you're having to do this, it's going to be really hard but it's time to do what's right for you and DC. Best wishes

Yeah, he's lying. If he wasn't, his reaction would be different. Anyone with a brain would know that what you found on the bank statement looks dodgy, so if he weren't up to anything, he´d be busy making it very clear who his friend was, he´d be letting you have the statement to check the deposits he mentioned are there., etc. As it is, he is refusing to cooperate and trying to turn it back on you. That's not the sign of someone who hasn't done anything.

I left work early. I told my manager my DS is poorly and now I feel terrible for lying and saying he is sick.

I don't want people to know yet.

I spoke to H and he said he will be staying with his friend for a bit.

He is still denying it and has now said he has thrown the bank statement. I said that I don't understand his story. That even if his wife did find out about the surprise it wouldn't have been until his statement came through a month or so later. He shouted at me asking why am I so interested in his mate and his bank account.

I said because you are fucking lying.

He said he will come back when I have calmed down.

This has reminded me about something that happened a few years ago where I found out his EXGF was facebook messaging him. He denied responding even though I had seen some messages. He was definitely flirting.

Thats when he "deleted" facebook.

I have asked him who she is and he keeps denying it. Referring back to the mate story.

My DM is supportive but she is in Greece ATM.

DS is going to his uncles tonight. I need friends around me.

It is our wedding anniversary next week. Why is this happening? Why wont tell me the truth? This is a pefect way for him to just come clean and start a new fucking life :(

So sorry sweetheart he’s having an affair and gaslighting you.

Implement the 180 now.

You might not want the marriage to end and I am not a LTB kind of poster but the affair is ongoing, he is lying about it and has already withdrawn from the marriage emotionally.

1.You need to tell him to leave- you need space to deal with this.

1. implement the 180
2. Give him no place to hide- tell his family and yours. Your son won’t hate you.
3. Gather info on his bank accounts savings and pension etc.

5.Speak to a solicitor

If you want to save the marriage then still do all of the above- you can’t save anything while he still wants someone else. He has to see the consequences of his actions.

Good luck

Because he wants to keep his options open and take things at a pace of his choosing. Regardless of OW or not and he's sticking to "the script" word for word this is not a man who values your relationship and you deserve so much more than this.