He's lying isn't he?

[CheesyPizza]

Hi everyone. I am an extremely long term lurker but first time poster.

I have been married for 4 years, together 8. We have one DS who is 6yo.

Over the last year or so my "D"H has been falling to sleep in our DS's bed, claiming that my snoring etc is keeping him awake. OK, I get it. He works long hours. I can't deny it made me suspect he doesn't fancy me anymore though.

After time I suppose you get used to it and it starts to become the norm. We were supposed to be TTC but he keeps putting it off. Instead of having a grown up discussion about it with me he has text me then rings me lunch time at work.

Then he changes his mind and wants to TTC again, then not and we go back and forth. The reasons are financial, he doesn't think we can afford it.

DH is a fantastic father, just not a great husband.

I didn't receive anything for Valentines day this year, not even a card. We aren't big on Valentine's day but he always gets me a card and chocolates so when he didn't this year, I asked myself why.

We have my family coming to stay shortly so I have been cleaning out the house. On the radiator by the front door is full of letters to my Husband, bank stuff and junk mail. I have asked him countless times to sort through them and check there is nothing important there but time and time again he just ignores me.

Well last night I had had enough so I started opening them. Some important pension information etc etc then a bank statement.

I will admit that I looked through them because something hasn't been right for ages.

There is a debit for interflora, Ticketmaster and a room in one of our areas "poshest" hotels.

A room per night typically costs anywhere between £290 and £500 (I have looked). I haven't been to any concert or show with him, and I definitely haven't received any fucking flowers.

This was about 2 months ago.

I approached him with the evidence this morning and he said that his friend was surprising his wife, however they have a joint bank account so he physically took the money out of a cash point and gave it to my DH to then put in HIS bank account and purchase the above for his friend.

I asked what friend and he refused to tell me. Saying that I should trust him.

During the last few months he has been "working away" a lot so it is very possible.

Also, a colleague told me about 3 years ago that he used to see him in clubs all of the time without his wedding ring (colleague is a doorman on weekends), but I didn't believe him because who would pay that much attention to someones ring finger? I felt like he was stirring but I guess now I have egg on my face.

I just don't know what to do. I can never get access to his phone, he has removed his Facebook (or blocked me). I guess the evidence is the bank statement but he is acting so nonchalant about it, it's making it difficult to keep bringing up. I feel like I have had no resolution despite the huge evidence he is playing away.

help me :(

They always want to break up when they have been found out. They don't want to face the consequences. Strangely they were quite happy at home before discovery. Been there got the t shirt xx

So his marriage hangs in the balance and he's still refusing to name the friend?

Surely you'd be tripping over yourself to prove that it really was Dave from work, and look, here's the paper trail of the money he repaid me and here's Dave's wife's number so she can verify the hotel, flowers and tickets were for her. Mrs. Dave would surely understand how it may look and be happy to clarify for such a good friend...?!

I know I would!

It's possible the OW is married, or, sorry, a "friend" of yours and that is why he isn't coming clean immediately. He may not sure of his welcome if he waltzes up saying "Cheesy kicked me out, I'm all yours honey"

He is biding his time and getting his ducks in a row. Or he just wants you to calm down so he can press the reset button when you have "got over yourself"

I would start telling people, including his family. He needs to know that shit just got real.

Yeah, he's cheating. And the fact that he's not even attempting to cover it up means that there is a LOT more for you to find, and he knows he has a snowflakes chance in hell of covering it up.

Did he really delete FB or did he just block you from seeing it?

I just don't see that he would pay for all of that for a friend, especially the flowers, you can order them the day before/day of, so there would be no evidence for his wife to see to ruin the surprise.

I'm not sure, but I thought with Ticketmaster, the names on the card had to go with the name and address on the account?

So sorry you're going through this OP.

It will get better, I promise...I remember being unable to breathe with the enormity of it all and I thought it would be impossible to get through it.

Eight months in it's much easier.

I'd always half-expected the betrayal at some point or another but the gaslighting was something else, it made me doubt my sanity. I now firmly believe there is only one person I can trust and that's myself.

Hotels secured on a credit card don't generally charge until you check in. Interflora don't charge until the order is sent. Your partner's friend didn't need help with this. But you already know this.

You will survive this

Sorry OP, he is cheating and he is now making the narrative that you are crazy, paranoid, obsessively checking up on him etc etc and for his own sanity he has moved out.
Next he will be 'scared of how you react'
Then it will be he has been trying to make it work for yrs as he is worried about your mental health but he just can't go on anymore and he has to put himself and his happiness first... And low and behold up pops a new gf... Who of course makes him happy and isn't crazy.

What a twatty wanker
Plus the comment about he will come back when you have calmed down.... Patronising fucker.

OP... Dig deep and ring him and calmly say that he is right, there is no trust, you do not trust people who clearly lie to cover their own arses and as he has no interest in demonstrating his innocence then you have no interest in continuing in your marriage.
Then say he has between 7-8 tonight to come and collect his stuff and after that you will send it to charity shop.

Do not engage further at all....

He should be on bended knees grovelling to you but at the moment he feels in control.. He is calling shots.. He is deciding when you talk and when he is going to come home etc.

So you need to stop him in his tracks and take control... Your house, your life...

Can you look on FB with a friend and see his profile? Have a look at who 'likes ' his pics etc and you may find OW.

Tbh it's probably academic, he's cheating and you'll probably save a lot of stress and angst to end things now, hard as it is

Yeah, even when you have the evidence and are looking them straight in the eye they will still lie...he simply doesn't want to admit to being the bastard that he is. It gives you leverage that he doesn't want you to have. Keep searching for evidence, it will make you feel like you are in a stronger position. Make a fake Facebook profile and see if you can find him on there etc etc...I am so so sorry you have to go through this..

He wants to look like the ‘good guy’ and not the cheating scum he is. He will make you out to be a controlling crazy bitch to family, friends and eventually your DS. Just remember he is choosing to hurt you this much. Get evidence and move on.

Have you got a friend who is savy with this sort of thing and can do some digging for you?

You can do this.

You’re stronger than you think you are.

Pack his bag and leave it outside. Put your key in the door. You don’t even have to see the fucker

It's very easy to find out if he's blocked you on FB or genuinely doesn't have an account. Just set up a new FB account with a fake name and search him. If he does take screen shots of anything worth it (he might have privacy levels set so you can't see anything worthwhile if you're not friends), then delete the new account.

That being said - I definitely think he's lying and you don't need proof of that to leave him since he's a shit husband anyway.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP.
It's truly crap.
But tonight, when you kick him out, do not plead or beg for another chance etc...
Cool and calm on the surface, then you can breakdown when he's gone.
He's a lying cheating cunt (and I do NOT use that word very often)
When he says 'well you don't trust me' you just agree with him.
Tell him that NO you do not trust him.
Too many things do not add up and unless he can come up with plausible explanations right there and then that you know he's lying and he needs to leave.

Alternatively just tell him that you know what's been going on.
You know he's cheating (you do really) and that you want him gone.
If he denies, ask to see his phone there and then and his response to this will tell you everything you need to know.

You probably won't do any of these things because, basically, your brain is totally scrambled.
In fact you probably won't remember any of the conversation.
If I was you, I would have a note pad ready.
It's the only way to remember what he's said.
Or record the conversation.
Trust me, you will want to remember what's been said.
Good luck later OP.

He won’t admit it because he doesn’t want the stigma of being the one who cheated.

He is being a shit. I hope you get some proper answers and are able to start the split soon.

It's defo an affair and he's saying he'll leave to blackmail you and make you think it's all your fault. He's been having an affair and now wants you to feel bad? What a prick. You and your child need to come first no matter how hard it will be. You deserve so much more you can do this xxx

If he is splitting with me then why wouldn't he just admit he is lying and there is someone else?

He doesn't want to look like the bad guy cheating and it's an easy way continue seeing the OW in peace.

His story is nonsense...we know statements don't show transactions till later...unless you check online.

He can't even find a mate to cover up because you could ask their wife.

He's backed into a corner and is sticking to this lie as he doesnt want the alternative of confessing.

The ease with which he's going to a mates says it all. He's checked out of the marriage and isn't really bothered. You have catching up to do ..
But he's already emotionally detached from you to an extent so it's easy for him.

Probably a relief.

If he is splitting with me then why wouldn't he just admit he is lying and there is someone else?

He doesn't want to look like the bad guy cheating and it's an easy way continue seeing the OW in peace.

^ this. Sorry, OP

Big hugs. You will get through this x

He’s threatening to leave in the hope u will beg him to stay

I'm so sorry for what you've found on your partners bank statements. It doesn't look good at all and his behaviour is suspicious.

I have not read the full thread, so I'm not sure if this has been suggested. Could you get a male friend to pose as your husband and ring the flower company. Say he ordered flowers for a family member, but they have informed him that they never received them. Hopefully they will then confirm the address they sent them to.

Hi everyone. Today hasn't been a great day. He has left and taken a few of this things.

He has said he is staying at his cousins house and has already told his mother we have broken up because it isn't working.

He said he wants to tell DS tomorrow!!!! What the hell is happening?? Why do I feel like I'm in the wrong and why does he have all the control :(

I'm so very sorry to tell you this, OP - but in all probability he is not with his cousin, but with the OW.

It gives me no pleasure to tell you this - I have watched two friends go through this and both said they were staying either with a mate or with a parent - both were with the OW and the wives (my friends) only found out months later.

Prepare yourself. Steel yourself. 180 rules are posted upthread. Use them.

I'm so sorry - men don't leave their wives and children to go and stay with mates, cousins or their mum

It's the easy way out for him. He'll be telling people it's because you don't trust him, which you don't but he won't want to tell the truth.

You're better off without him, and you'll see this soon. You need to get your head around this before you tell your DS, don't agree to telling him. Just don't be available tomorrow for him to get the opportunity to do so.

Btw - even if you wanted to win him back (which actually I don't advise - he's clearly a lying, cheating coward) but whether you want him back or not - the 180 rules are the ones to use. Keep your dignity at all times. It's the one thing he can't take from you.