He's lying isn't he?

[CheesyPizza]

Hi everyone. I am an extremely long term lurker but first time poster.

I have been married for 4 years, together 8. We have one DS who is 6yo.

Over the last year or so my "D"H has been falling to sleep in our DS's bed, claiming that my snoring etc is keeping him awake. OK, I get it. He works long hours. I can't deny it made me suspect he doesn't fancy me anymore though.

After time I suppose you get used to it and it starts to become the norm. We were supposed to be TTC but he keeps putting it off. Instead of having a grown up discussion about it with me he has text me then rings me lunch time at work.

Then he changes his mind and wants to TTC again, then not and we go back and forth. The reasons are financial, he doesn't think we can afford it.

DH is a fantastic father, just not a great husband.

I didn't receive anything for Valentines day this year, not even a card. We aren't big on Valentine's day but he always gets me a card and chocolates so when he didn't this year, I asked myself why.

We have my family coming to stay shortly so I have been cleaning out the house. On the radiator by the front door is full of letters to my Husband, bank stuff and junk mail. I have asked him countless times to sort through them and check there is nothing important there but time and time again he just ignores me.

Well last night I had had enough so I started opening them. Some important pension information etc etc then a bank statement.

I will admit that I looked through them because something hasn't been right for ages.

There is a debit for interflora, Ticketmaster and a room in one of our areas "poshest" hotels.

A room per night typically costs anywhere between £290 and £500 (I have looked). I haven't been to any concert or show with him, and I definitely haven't received any fucking flowers.

This was about 2 months ago.

I approached him with the evidence this morning and he said that his friend was surprising his wife, however they have a joint bank account so he physically took the money out of a cash point and gave it to my DH to then put in HIS bank account and purchase the above for his friend.

I asked what friend and he refused to tell me. Saying that I should trust him.

During the last few months he has been "working away" a lot so it is very possible.

Also, a colleague told me about 3 years ago that he used to see him in clubs all of the time without his wedding ring (colleague is a doorman on weekends), but I didn't believe him because who would pay that much attention to someones ring finger? I felt like he was stirring but I guess now I have egg on my face.

I just don't know what to do. I can never get access to his phone, he has removed his Facebook (or blocked me). I guess the evidence is the bank statement but he is acting so nonchalant about it, it's making it difficult to keep bringing up. I feel like I have had no resolution despite the huge evidence he is playing away.

help me :(

Yeah he's having an affair doesn't look good 😳

Cheesy, find your strength for your son. He will otherwise grow up either being annoyed at the world as he has become angry about how his mum ' allowed ' herself to be treated. This might translate to crap treatment of any future partners he has, being firm and not putting up with this will cut the chance of this happening. Of course he will be upset going from having daddy there but he is young so it will become his normal (and normal in a way that isn't potentially going to scew his thought processes into adulthood. Don't let the cycle continue please.

Thank you for your replies. They are really helping me find strength.

After posting last night I put on some cheery music and grabbed some bin bags. I have packed up most of his clothes and dirty washing (all mixed together of course) and told him to be here by 9am tomorrow to collect it from back garden.

He replied with "lol"

He hasn't come and I feel like a fucking joke again.

I'm angry now. I've made a new Facebook but can't locate him which indicates he did actually delete it but I also know there are a ton of privacy settings which can make you unsearchable.

DS is back with me now and we are going to go out for breakfast and to the trampoline park.

Should I drive by the cousins house or is it a waste of time given he is probably with his OW

Drop his things off at his cousins?

I'd just leave the bags for him to collect as and when. Unless the thought of him being around at some random time makes you uncomfortable, in which case I'd drop them at the cousin's and tell him so.

No don't drive by his cousins.

No don't drop his things off - leave them in the garden.

Enjoy a day out with your DS.

It will be difficult, but do not waste your time wondering where he is. Make plans for yourself.

You are being so strong, I admire you.

Remember to put yourself and you son first now whatever happens.

Clear all his stuff out (sounds like you’ve made a great start) and focus on the future.

As others have said, he had already checked out so it’s good you found out now rather than in a few years time. It would have made your lives miserable.

Leave his stuff in the garden and hope for rain. He's taking the piss and he knows it. Playing power games. Don't rise to it. Just leave the stuff where it is. He thinks you'll take it back in again, but there's really no need as he doesn't live in your house anymore, so why would you give room to his possessions?

Leave his stuff in the garden. If it gets wet/stolen/peed on by foxes fingers crossed that's his problem. And tell his mum and everyone else that you've thrown him out because he's having an affair. He is and you know it.

Have you changed the locks?

I prefer chumplady's take on the 180 www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/]]

I hate to say this, but if his stuff gets damaged in the rain or stolen he can sue you for the costs.

Whether he knows that or would bother taking it to the small claims court is another matter.

I would dump his stuff at the cousins house. What an arsehole.

id also dump stuff at cousins, then you wont have to deal with his smug face if he comes to get his stuff.

what a prick, ive been there with ex boyfriends but it must be so hard being married and with DS.

I'm sorry you are going through this. The best way is to keep dignified as it keeps you strong inside even when you want to wail. You informed him where his possessions are, do so again with the caveat that they will be disposed of if still on your property in 48 hrs. Do not react to any pathetic messages. His LOL one for example. Make solicitor appointment immediately Monday.
Don't get into any conversations where he gives ridiculous excuses. You know what you know.
Be strong, your life will be so much better without somebody who is pretending to care.

Dump stuff at cousins, don’t bother trying to locate him on Facebook , he doesn’t deserve your time.
I know it’s hard but he’s irrelevant now so throw him into your past and concentrate on going forward and enjoying life with your ds .

Get some legal advice regarding assets/ your home
Talk to csa to get child maintenance off him

Oh Cheesy, he's being abhorrent. He's trying to grind you into a plyable ball of nothing; no self-esteem, so confidence in your actions, helpless and needy, so that he can do whatever the hell he likes and tell everyone it's all your fault.

Everything you've done is the right thing.

Personally I wouldn't be happy with his dm thinking we'd broken up because it "wasn't working". I'd be straight onto her telling her we'd broken up because he's cheating. Fuck his made-up bullshit story trumping your reality; I'd be making sure your story was heard far and wide, because your feelings and what happened to you MATTER.

Set fire to his fucking stuff don't do that, the cunt.

Dump his stuff on his cousins door step

Hi everyone

Sorry I haven't been on much, I'm struggling to find some quiet head space at present.

He came over for this things late last night which pissed me off. DS had just had a bath and story, had told him Daddy is working away then in comes fucking Daddy bold as brass and getting DS excited.

I told him he ahs no right to walk in and out of MY house anymore. He said it's our house. I said actually, it's my Mothers house. He just smirked.

He said he is sorry but can I honestly say we have been working the last year or so. I said it doesn't matter what I think he has made all the decisions for me

I wanted to say its funny that all this has come out since the bank statements but I remembered the 180.

After I had got DS re-settled I just stood and did the ironing. He rambled on about us never having sex, I barely acknowledged him and it was so very hard.

I asked him to leave and told him I will be changing the locks tomorrow (I wont, I can't fucking afford it plus mum is the homeowner). He said I can't stop him from seeing his son and I just laughed. I didn't mention anything about stopping him seeing his son, these are his own pathetic insecurities.

He said that his boss has an apartment he can rent from him in exchange for doing 2 shifts a week... sounds strange but whatever. He said he wants to get a proper place so he can have proper contact with DS.

He left, I cried.

I am feeling stronger today though. Mum is back from Greece on Thursday so that will help.

Will it cost a lot for a Solicitor?

Why don’t you go and see a solicitor for one if their free half hours, that way you’ll have a good idea of how the process works and what to expect coat wise. My solicitor spread the cost over a number of months and was happy to wait for the divorce settlement to get paid the rest.

Wow cheesy - You were amazing. You handled all that angst so well. He must be wondering what's going on with you.

He's trying all his old tricks to get you to react and outside you look as cool as a cucumber! I know inside is a whole other story altogether but you held it together and kept your dignity. He only has the power to get to you if you let him. It's ok to cry.

Glad you are feeling stronger - you might be surprised at how much he does actually sap your strength. Have you got some treats lined up for yourself as a much deserved reward for doing so well yesterday. Hugs for you.

Most solicitors do a free half an hour sorry he’s being such a arse. I wouldn’t engage with him again and keep all contact just about your son what time he can pick him up for contact and how much child support he needs to pay there are guidelines on the website

I would be hunting out more bank statements. You need evidence for divorce.
Tip - can you swop the barrels on the back and front doors? He will assume you have changed locks. If it's your dm's house then you can anyway, but free to swop them, he won't think of that!

april thats a good idea. I will call some local solicitor's tomorrow.

Why oh why is this happening int he school holidays

Yes look through some more bank statements and take screenshots of anything u finds