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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's lying isn't he?

178 replies

CheesyPizza · 03/08/2018 12:50

Hi everyone. I am an extremely long term lurker but first time poster.

I have been married for 4 years, together 8. We have one DS who is 6yo.

Over the last year or so my "D"H has been falling to sleep in our DS's bed, claiming that my snoring etc is keeping him awake. OK, I get it. He works long hours. I can't deny it made me suspect he doesn't fancy me anymore though.

After time I suppose you get used to it and it starts to become the norm. We were supposed to be TTC but he keeps putting it off. Instead of having a grown up discussion about it with me he has text me then rings me lunch time at work.

Then he changes his mind and wants to TTC again, then not and we go back and forth. The reasons are financial, he doesn't think we can afford it.

DH is a fantastic father, just not a great husband.

I didn't receive anything for Valentines day this year, not even a card. We aren't big on Valentine's day but he always gets me a card and chocolates so when he didn't this year, I asked myself why.

We have my family coming to stay shortly so I have been cleaning out the house. On the radiator by the front door is full of letters to my Husband, bank stuff and junk mail. I have asked him countless times to sort through them and check there is nothing important there but time and time again he just ignores me.

Well last night I had had enough so I started opening them. Some important pension information etc etc then a bank statement.

I will admit that I looked through them because something hasn't been right for ages.

There is a debit for interflora, Ticketmaster and a room in one of our areas "poshest" hotels.

A room per night typically costs anywhere between £290 and £500 (I have looked). I haven't been to any concert or show with him, and I definitely haven't received any fucking flowers.

This was about 2 months ago.

I approached him with the evidence this morning and he said that his friend was surprising his wife, however they have a joint bank account so he physically took the money out of a cash point and gave it to my DH to then put in HIS bank account and purchase the above for his friend.

I asked what friend and he refused to tell me. Saying that I should trust him.

During the last few months he has been "working away" a lot so it is very possible.

Also, a colleague told me about 3 years ago that he used to see him in clubs all of the time without his wedding ring (colleague is a doorman on weekends), but I didn't believe him because who would pay that much attention to someones ring finger? I felt like he was stirring but I guess now I have egg on my face.

I just don't know what to do. I can never get access to his phone, he has removed his Facebook (or blocked me). I guess the evidence is the bank statement but he is acting so nonchalant about it, it's making it difficult to keep bringing up. I feel like I have had no resolution despite the huge evidence he is playing away.

help me :(

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 04/08/2018 21:29

Sorry to read what has happened. Day at a time.

If you do not want your DS to be told tomorrow - take control and tell wanker dh you will decide when ds is told. Don’t allow him control - once ds is told you will be the one picking up the pieces and not dh -who will fuck off back to cousins house - that is if he is staying with the cousin and not the OW house.

Also pack all his shit up - leave in the front garden for him to collect. Get keys back to house - don’t allow him to come & go as he pleases.

He doesn’t give a toss about your feelings - if he did he would have discussed with you if it was the right thing telling his mother and not be telling you your DS will be told tomorrow.

Stay strong, keep posting for support.

Alfiemoon1 · 04/08/2018 21:42

He’s playing games he wants u to beg him to come back and not to have to discuss what’s gone on. Keep contact to a minimum and hard as it may be just act normal. He is trying to put the blame on u

My dh has left 3 times over an issue we have been having the last time I didn’t react so he threatened to open his own back account and look for somewhere to live. So I got the id etc that he would need. Surprise surprise he didn’t do it came back with his tail between his legs all apologetic he is also fully aware the next time he leaves he won’t be coming back

mirrim · 04/08/2018 21:43

Can you do the location thing on his phone to see if he lies to you

Original poster
CheesyPizza · 04/08/2018 21:46

Thank you for your support everyone.

DS is with his Auntie (my sister) tonight. I couldn't fake being happy today. I'm drained and I feel empty and anxious.

I've started smoking again and am now in bed with a glass of wine and the handmaids tale.

I'm looking at the wardrobe and thinking about bagging it all up but I'm scared it will make things worse.

I can see him online on WhatsApp. Not a care in the fucking world I'll bet.

I've never seen this side of him and it's breaking my heart. I will read the 180 rules. Who made these?

OP posts:
Megan2989 · 04/08/2018 22:21

He is absolutely lying.

Hes doing what typically guilty people do and projecting "you dont believe me, boo hoo me". Its to make you look like the bad one and not him.

He will not admit it because then you have absolute proof that he has had an affair and he become the bad one.

Also, by making you out to be the bad one, he not only leaves the door open if all goes wrong with other woman, but you will have to be the one to apologise and never question this again for him not to leave and make up with you.

Non-cheating people do not split up with partners when they are questioned over an affair, they reassure and make damn well sure that the person they love knows with certainty that they are not having an affair.

Alfiemoon1 · 04/08/2018 22:35

Stay strong op he’s doing this to avoid giving u answers he hopes that by leaving probably only for a few days will have u begging him to come back and to never mention what u have found again in fear of him leaving. If it was all totally innocent he would be showing u the bank statement with his friends deposit he would be naming the friend helped out he would be getting that friend to ring u and explain. He’s not he’s upped and left and blamed u for not trusting him

Take it a day at a time and look after yourself

Megan2989 · 04/08/2018 22:36

He has also given himself a guilt free pass to carrying on with other woman because "it isn't working".

He has informed everybody so quickly, so that it cements that you two are no longer together and he is free to do as he pleases now before you have chance to take easy way out away from him. What's better than " she doesn't trust me, she is overbearing and it isn't working", to cover up he s a lying cheat. How everybody will never know that he's cheated because you are not together When he was with somebody else.

What a twat some people can be. Sorry for what you are going through OP.

When

Megan2989 · 04/08/2018 22:37

Also sorry for typos! Awful at writing on a phone.

Bekabeech · 04/08/2018 22:41

Be kind to yourself. Buy new bed linen often helps, as will bagging up his stuff.

The friend who spotted the ring was probably speaking the truth - some people really do notice rings or lack of rings, and others don't. (My DH is one, once realised his Boss had got married in the lunch hour as he came back wearing a ring.)

Princess1066 · 04/08/2018 22:48

So sorry this has happened OP - as soon as you can get to a solicitor who specialises in divorce law

Bluntness100 · 04/08/2018 22:52

So op. I'm going to take you back to my earlier post.

You know, right? Deep down you know. You know he's cheating, you know there is someone else.

The only question is do you want him back and can you forgive it?

Cawfee · 04/08/2018 22:57
  1. message his mother briefly the truth as to why he’s left
  2. book to see a solicitor
  3. find a friend with Facebook and start searching for him to see if you can find info
  4. tell him to piss off. He won’t be talking to your DS again. He gave up that right when he slept with somebody else
  5. he’s not with his cousin. He’s with the OW. If you can afford it, hire a private detective to track him and find out the truth. I’m guessing he was at it all the way through your marriage hence the club stuff without his ring.
  6. don’t engage with him at all. He’s going to pull the “woe is me, she’s a psycho” stuff as it makes him feel better about what a snake he’s been.

Sorry OP. He’s no good. You married a fraud and a liar. Thank god you opened that bank statement and can now put the rubbish out. Surround yourself with family and friends

notapizzaeater · 04/08/2018 22:59

You need to make back control, you can tell people your version, not his sugar coated one.

Megan2989 · 04/08/2018 23:08

Agree with cawfee but not the never talking to D's again.

Yes hes an arsehole and I'm sure you would want nothing more than to cut all ties but that woulld be punishing your son. Many other ways to make him suffer without resorting to a low blow like that.

1nina · 04/08/2018 23:11

Something similar happened to me once and with evidence in front of me he still wouldn't admit it... is there some man code... deny deny deny?!!!!! So sorry you are going through this Thanks

forale · 04/08/2018 23:29

I'm so so sorry that you're going through this, you sound very strong and it will get better. He's an absolute ar** but please don't stop DS from seeing him unless he is abusive to him, it is punishing DS and not him

esk1mo · 04/08/2018 23:30

he’s clearly jumped at the chance to be “single” and continue his relationship with OW.

you are so much better off without him, honestly. he is a cunt. pack his stuff and leave it for him to collect.

does he get paper statements for his phonebill? there might be a number there that he contacts alot, just incase you want to put it into whatsapp.

he will realise down the line what he has done, when he isnt thinking with his dick, but by then you will have moved on and be 100 times stronger and you can tell him where to go.

C0untDucku1a · 04/08/2018 23:39

He wont tell you the truth because he wants to come out of it looking good and not like a lying cheating tosser.

Throw the cigarettes away. They wont help.

Colabottle10 · 04/08/2018 23:42

Not RTFT sorry, but was there a cash deposit of the same amount as flowers / hotel like he said his friend had given him?

underthebluemoon · 04/08/2018 23:46

Deny, deny, deny is indeed one of their strategies. Read Chumplady's website to know more. It gives you insight into how cheaters think and helps you find your anger - but keep your dignity, its better in the long run.

You have had a terrible shock. Be good and kind to yourself. You'll get over it but it will take time. And if he comes crawling back tell him to sling his hook.

SandyY2K · 05/08/2018 00:34

has already told his mother we have broken up because it isn't working.

Based on his reaction, he was planning to leave at some point and he can't lie his way out, so this is his only option without telling the truth.

A man who loves you and wants to save your marriage doesn't and wouldn't respond like this. Please don't think you pushed him out....he got caught and he has no way out of the lie.

Like I said upthread....he's already checked out of the marriage...that's why it's easy for him to walk away.

I would tell his mum what's led to him leaving.

@Cawfee
He won’t be talking to your DS again. He gave up that right when he slept with somebody else

Are you serious?You don't have the right to stop a parent from seeing their child because they're cheating.

Cawfee · 05/08/2018 00:39

Ignore my previous point about not talking to DS. I mis-read your original post and thought he was step-dad not dad. Don’t let him dictate what gets said and when though. Not his choice of what to tell him. You do what you feel is right.

SandyY2K · 05/08/2018 00:55

I will read the 180 rules. Who made these?

Here you go.....

Michelle Wiener Davis introduced a concept to the world of infidelity.

She suggested that any new betrayed partner implement these behaviors immediately.

They aren’t designed to make you look good or your partner bad. They are, however, a means of protection for the betrayed. They also empower the betrayed to face their new world with dignity and bravery. A betrayed spouse who uses these steps will appear stronger to the wayward partner, and that is exactly what you want to portray.

Fundamentally, it is all about personal empowerment and rebuilding your self esteem. It is not about manipulating your spouse and when this is not understood it interferes with the results. The goal of the 180 is to become the type of person that you want to be.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 05/08/2018 01:02

He is following the script. Seen this play out myself and it’s laughable that they all do the same stuff but claim not to be. I’m so sorry OP.

Mmer · 05/08/2018 01:52

There is some great advice on here. I am sorry you going through thisFlowers.