Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's lying isn't he?

178 replies

CheesyPizza · 03/08/2018 12:50

Hi everyone. I am an extremely long term lurker but first time poster.

I have been married for 4 years, together 8. We have one DS who is 6yo.

Over the last year or so my "D"H has been falling to sleep in our DS's bed, claiming that my snoring etc is keeping him awake. OK, I get it. He works long hours. I can't deny it made me suspect he doesn't fancy me anymore though.

After time I suppose you get used to it and it starts to become the norm. We were supposed to be TTC but he keeps putting it off. Instead of having a grown up discussion about it with me he has text me then rings me lunch time at work.

Then he changes his mind and wants to TTC again, then not and we go back and forth. The reasons are financial, he doesn't think we can afford it.

DH is a fantastic father, just not a great husband.

I didn't receive anything for Valentines day this year, not even a card. We aren't big on Valentine's day but he always gets me a card and chocolates so when he didn't this year, I asked myself why.

We have my family coming to stay shortly so I have been cleaning out the house. On the radiator by the front door is full of letters to my Husband, bank stuff and junk mail. I have asked him countless times to sort through them and check there is nothing important there but time and time again he just ignores me.

Well last night I had had enough so I started opening them. Some important pension information etc etc then a bank statement.

I will admit that I looked through them because something hasn't been right for ages.

There is a debit for interflora, Ticketmaster and a room in one of our areas "poshest" hotels.

A room per night typically costs anywhere between £290 and £500 (I have looked). I haven't been to any concert or show with him, and I definitely haven't received any fucking flowers.

This was about 2 months ago.

I approached him with the evidence this morning and he said that his friend was surprising his wife, however they have a joint bank account so he physically took the money out of a cash point and gave it to my DH to then put in HIS bank account and purchase the above for his friend.

I asked what friend and he refused to tell me. Saying that I should trust him.

During the last few months he has been "working away" a lot so it is very possible.

Also, a colleague told me about 3 years ago that he used to see him in clubs all of the time without his wedding ring (colleague is a doorman on weekends), but I didn't believe him because who would pay that much attention to someones ring finger? I felt like he was stirring but I guess now I have egg on my face.

I just don't know what to do. I can never get access to his phone, he has removed his Facebook (or blocked me). I guess the evidence is the bank statement but he is acting so nonchalant about it, it's making it difficult to keep bringing up. I feel like I have had no resolution despite the huge evidence he is playing away.

help me :(

OP posts:
ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 03/08/2018 13:37

Also, you can order Interflora the day before. Likewise a hotel doesn't charge until the date of your astay (unless booking an inflexible room rate which I doubt the "friend" would do if he was springing a surprise on his wife, in case she couldn't make that date). So apart from possibly Ticketmaster, no need to get your DH to buy these things on his behalf as they wouldn't show on a statement in time, aside from the fact surely the wife would be questioning a hotel stay's worth of cash withdrawal. Sorry but anything other than the obvious explanation makes no sense.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 03/08/2018 13:38

Sorry X-posted. He's a cheating scumbag Flowers

thisisannc · 03/08/2018 13:38

The bank debits look dodgy to anybody with a brain, so any decent person would explain them fully and openly if the explanation were as simple and innocent as helping a friend out. He would absolutely tell you who the friend was without hesitation if his explanation was the truth.

The only plausible truth aside from him having an affair, is helping the friend cover up an affair (knowing that if he told you which friend it was, you might well query it with his wife). When taking into account the other information you've shared about your husband's behaviour, though, it doesn't sound good for you.

userxx · 03/08/2018 13:41

He's a lying fucker. So sorry you are going through this.

Cloudyapples · 03/08/2018 13:43

Call the hotel ‘hi I stayed with my husband recently booking under his name but we lost the receipt/invoice which I need for (make up some reason) can you send/email to me?’ If the booking is in his name not fri nds that’s surely proof?

PeppermintPasty · 03/08/2018 13:44

Please please book an appointment with a solicitor. Of course he is lying. What a bastard.

Cloudyapples · 03/08/2018 13:44

Also you can see the money came out but did you see evidence of the cash from friend going back in?

Original poster
CheesyPizza · 03/08/2018 13:44

The only plausible truth aside from him having an affair, is helping the friend cover up an affair (knowing that if he told you which friend it was, you might well query it with his wife). When taking into account the other information you've shared about your husband's behaviour, though, it doesn't sound good for you

I can't see why else he wouldn't tell me the friends name, other than because it would be confirmed he is lying but I am sure one of his friends would cover for him. To put it politely, his friends are twats.

We rent from my mum (who is also living with us at the moment but thats another story) so I am safe. He would never kick his DS out.

I don't tknow what to do. If he is splitting with me then why wouldn't he just admit he is lying and there is someone else??

OP posts:
MistressoftheYoniverse · 03/08/2018 13:45

Oh so now it's break up time?....what a cheating bastard Angry ...breathe ...Sad Flowers

QforCucumber · 03/08/2018 13:45

Also - check Ticketmaster - what has been on in your area recently? Does that tie in with an overnight stay away he's had?

Original poster
CheesyPizza · 03/08/2018 13:45

Also you can see the money came out but did you see evidence of the cash from friend going back in

To be honest I wasn't looking for credits, just what came out and by the time he made that ecxuse he had already taken the statement back x

OP posts:
thisisannc · 03/08/2018 13:46

Please don't let him convince you that you're wrong to doubt him over this! If he won't tell you which friend he did this supposedly innocent favour for, he's not being honest. Really, he isn't.

QforCucumber · 03/08/2018 13:46

Because he knows by saying 'we might as well just break up then' that you'll respond 'no, no I don't want that, i'm sorry'

That it puts him back in control and you'll be the 'crazy' one who has to apologise and make it up to him for doubting him.

Figlessfig · 03/08/2018 13:47

I think you should concentrate now on how you’re going to survive financially if/when he leaves. I’d like to think he wouldn’t just walk out and leave you to starve, but it has happened.

Can you afford the house on your own? Do you have parents/family who would help?

If you can, start hoarding money in an account he doesn’t know about. Plan ahead.

cakecakecheese · 03/08/2018 13:51

He's not admitting anything because it's part of 'the script' putting it on all you so he looks innocent 'oh poor me my wife doesn't trust me' yeah mate she doesn't trust you because you've been sleeping in another room, withdrawing from her and coming up with dodgy excuses.

Teaformeplz · 03/08/2018 13:51

Contact the hotel or interflora and ask who was in the room or the details for the flower order, as it's a shared account you should be able to ask what was bought as your name is on the account also.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 03/08/2018 13:54

Cheaters tend to go all out not to admit there's someone else because they want to preserve the facade that innocent little old them has done nothing wrong, poor them with their nasty distrustful nag of a spouse.

RatRolyPoly · 03/08/2018 13:54

I don't tknow what to do. If he is splitting with me then why wouldn't he just admit he is lying and there is someone else??

Because then HE'd be the bad guy.

But right now you're the jealous partner forcing his hand with your inability to trust him.

Which is of course totally dishonest scumbaggery.

nozzel · 03/08/2018 13:55

My ex h was a lying twat & wouldn't admit to anything initially. Your DH is trying to make out you are crazy & that you are making your marriage spilt up so he doesn't feel as guilty. Do not believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Trust your gut.

We are here to help you & guide you & I am sorry you are going through this, but believe me you will get through this.

ToeToToe · 03/08/2018 13:56

If he is splitting with me then why wouldn't he just admit he is lying and there is someone else??

They never do. Because that would make it his fault - and why would he do that, when he can blame you?

I would instigate those 180 rules posted upthread with immediate effect, It'll be hard, very hard - but it really is the only way to deal with an affair and retain your dignity.

If you rent from your mum, and she's staying with you at the moment, surely he can just be kicked out find somewhere else to live.

Sorry this has happened to you OP - I have seen many friends go through the exact same thing. It's heartbreaking at the time, but you know, they have always come out it ok. Deep breaths.

Churrolicious · 03/08/2018 13:57

Call his bluff and tell him he needs to find somewhere else to stay. His behaviour is very suspicious indeed, whether he is seeing someone else or not he’s clearly disengaging from your relationship.

You deserve better. I’m sorry OP.

Ryder63 · 03/08/2018 13:59

OP he is no longer your friend and partner. You must look after yourself and your interests. It sounds like he checked out of the marriage a while back.

Breaking up with you because you "don't trust him" is one of the oldest cheater tricks. Please don't fall for his bullshit.

Original poster
CheesyPizza · 03/08/2018 13:59

I do work part time, I went full time for a while when he was out of work but then he found a job and I had to ask my boss for a change in work pattern again to part time. I can only request this once every 12 months.

I feel sick.

He is still denying it but still wont give me the name of friend. He said we should speak tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheesyPizza · 03/08/2018 14:00

I am going to tell him to leave tonight. Please give me the strength to do this. My DS will hate me for it

OP posts:
ThatsWotSheSaid · 03/08/2018 14:01

Of couse he cheating. Sorry OP. There is no point in asking him he will just lie. Kick him out, if by some remote chance he is innocent he should be motivated to prove that to you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread