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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend got married

257 replies

Shockedgirl · 01/08/2018 21:25

Not sure what I’m looking for here but in shock and could do with some virtual support.

I have been seeing a guy since April, it’s been going well. Nice dates, lots of texts, long phone calls etc. He’s stayed over at mine when my kids have been away and we had a chat about being exclusive. He’d been telling me for a
while that he had a two week holiday booked and a few weeks beforehand he said that he wouldn’t be contactable during the holiday. With the benefit of hindsight that now seems a bit odd but at the time I didn’t really give it much thought.
Anyway since he went I have noticed that he has been online on WhatsApp a lot which is odd as he said he wasn’t going to be able to access it at all due to lack of internet etc.

Long story short, I did some digging and low and behold, the holiday was actually him getting married! There is nothing about it on his Facebook or insta but loads of pics on his new wife’s account and other family members. I just feel completely shocked and very hurt. I discovered it last night and in my initial shock and upset I thought I should send a message to his wife letting her know what he is actually like but I didn’t and now in the cold light of day I just think that would be an awful thing to do to her just after her wedding.

I just feel totally physically sick that I have been involved in this. I have looked at the pics and they look so happy and I am just so gutted that he isn’t the man I thought he was and also that I have been caught up in something so bloody awful and that I have fallen for it. I haven’t contacted him and I have blocked his number so he can’t contact me. I’ll be fine and obviously it wasn’t a very long time that we were together but I’m just feeling really crap and in shock.

OP posts:
callkiki · 02/08/2018 14:05

I think the big thing to remember is that the cheating scumbag doesn't even know yet he's been found out. As far as he knows, OP is still in a relationship with him. If he had ended the relationship then I agree that you might just let it go, but since as far as he knows, you are still his girlfriend, I say she needs to know.

If he was adept at lying to you and his fiance then neither of you know how many others he may have been dating during this same time. He's been very good at lying to 2 women for the past 4 months and you don't know how long he has been with his wife and if you are the first or just another he has cheated on his partner with.

It will be soul destroying for her to find out, but can you imagine how much worse if she finds out later when she is pregnant or they have children?

Liars like this are good at doing this because they don't care.

If you tell her, he will lie to her and she may not believe you but that's not on you. If you decide to tell her, then she has the truth and can make her own decisions. She may decide that because they weren't married while he cheated she will stay with him, but at least if she knows, she can make important life decisions.

Better to find out now while he was and in his mind, is still in a relationship with you and waiting to start up again with you once he is no longer out of range of communications since technically in his mind you are still dating and you have no idea he is married or even in another relationship.

If it had been over then it might be different but if you hadn't seen the wedding info on FB you would have been happy to see him when he returned and continued on completely unaware you were the other woman. So ask yourself, would you have wanted someone to tell you at the beginning of your relationship with him that he was engaged to someone else?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/08/2018 14:10

Christ what a horrible thing to happen. So sorry, Shockedgirl

I would tell his wife and sooner rather than later, she has a right to know and may be able to get an annulment rather than an actual divorce if you tell her now. Yes it will be bad for her but better now than 5 years down the line with a couple of kids...

Include proof of your relationship with that lousy bastard. And be kind.

Flowers
Kingkiller · 02/08/2018 14:11

But it's far more likely that she doesn't know
Pure guess.

Well of course it's a guess, but what proportion of marriages do you think are open marriages?! Besides, the only reason you've come up with for not telling the wife is 'if she already knows, it won't achieve anything'. That's a rubbish reason, because it doesn't matter if it doesn't achieve anything, but it very much would matter if she doesn't know!

GilligansKitchenIsland · 02/08/2018 14:20

I would also tell the wife. I was unwittingly the OW a few years ago and it was the guy's fiancee that clocked and contacted me. I've always been grateful to her for thinking of me even though she was the more wronged party. I only lost a shit boyfriend of a couple months, but she had to call off her wedding, tell her family and friends etc. She was civil and matter of fact in her dealings with me, and I've always admired how she managed to think of doing right by me when I had (inadvertently) been party to her life falling apart.
Flowers to you, OP. What a scumbag he is.

SleightOfMind · 02/08/2018 14:28

My DSis was nearly this wife and was devastated by how many people knew her fiancé was cheating but said nothing.

All the people on this thread who have been in the situation themselves are saying they’d want to know.
I know it’s daunting, but I’d let the wife know then move on with a clear conscience. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong and have both been treated appallingly by this horrible man.

GilligansKitchenIsland · 02/08/2018 14:28

@Flickerfromview In some cultures this would be acceptable. I work with a community where it is acceptable for the men to have an arranged marriage in their own culture and a white girlfriend.

What culture is this? I ask because I wonder if it's "acceptable" only amongst the men in that culture, in the way that many many things that benefit men and harm women are "acceptable" (i.e. practiced) in almost all cultures. Someone looking in on UK culture might say it's acceptable here for men to grope women on public transport, purely because it happens a lot, but that doesn't mean women in this culture are happy about it or want to be involved in it themselves. Physical and sexual abuse is also "acceptable" amongst the men in some cultures, but women experiencing it should still be given the information and support to leave that situation if they wish to.

juliastone · 02/08/2018 15:56

@MissedTheBoatAgain, the situation the OP describes is not at all how you choose to see it. But hey ho you're probably here to rock the boat, so..
I must say I don't understand people who say "don't say anything"!! Wouldn't you want to know?? His (future) wife has a unique chance to know she's marrying a psychopath. She still has no children with him, she still can walk away.
Only in case telling-the-wife would affect the OP's life negatively in any way, would I advise not to tell. Other than that, leave an anonymous letter, let her know.. this is not normal human behaviour.

jaffacakeany1 · 02/08/2018 16:07

Not sure if it's possible (quite new to this) to somehow send her the link to this thread and see if she can work it out for herself?
Also, that way she'll see you've struggled with what to do for the best and mean no malice.

ferrier · 02/08/2018 16:13

Agree with the vast majority. I would want to know. No way would I want to have children and tie myself irrevocably to a cheat.

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 02/08/2018 16:36

I'm going back and forth as to whether you should tell the new wife. Part of me thinks she should know what a scumbag she's married, but the other part of me thinks you should just walk away and not give him a second thought. It's not really your responsibility to tell her. She should know, but that doesn't mean it has to be you that tells her. Your own sanity and wellbeing has to come first, and if telling her will be detrimental to that, then don't do it.

Bazzlebear · 02/08/2018 17:25

you should just walk away and not give him a second thought. It's not really your responsibility to tell her

And this is exactly how society breaks down. I can't imagine people really believe that this is an ok way to deal with issues that involve other people.

Your own sanity and wellbeing has to come first

Even at the expense of hers? Why is OP more important than the other woman? The wife has so much more to lose and is at far greater risk of wellbeing.

I don't mean to pick on you as there are plenty of other comments saying similar things. I just find that attitude pretty abhorrent.

Stripy29 · 02/08/2018 17:26

Tell her anonymously, she deserves to know.
My husband was cheating on me 6 months before we got married and i didnt find out until over a year after we had got married and i had had a baby with him. I had no doubts about him, multiple people knew and kept his secret. I wish everyday i had found out either before the wedding or just after so i could have either not married him or annulled the marriage. But by the time i did find out i was in such a bad position.

Magtheridon · 02/08/2018 18:11

You really should tell the wife
It's morally the right thing to do

You've washed your hands of him since you've realised he isn't single but she has no idea and is blind to what a Deceitful shit he is.

Send screen shots / pictures w.e along with the message to her. Just so he can't make you sound crazy. Give her as much proof in one go as possible.

I know if I was in the wife's situation, I would want to be told and shown evidence.

Racecardriver · 02/08/2018 18:36

In your place I would contact him for coffee and invite his wife along. If I was her I would want to know before we started trying for kids and in your place I would want to see the look on his face.

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 02/08/2018 18:59

Why is OP more important than the other woman?

The OP doesn't know the wife, didn't even know of her existence. She really doesn't owe this other woman anything. She hasn't done anything wrong, she wasn't having an affair, as far as she knew she was dating a single man.

I was married to a man who had multiple affairs and ultimately left me for the OW. I assume others knew about the affairs and his colleagues would definitely have known about the OW he left me for as they worked together. No-one ever said anything to me. To be honest, I don't honestly think it would have made much difference in the end if I'd been told, the outcome would have been the same. The heartbreak was bad enough as it was, I don't think finding out sooner would have helped, I'd just have been heartbroken for longer.

QuoadUltra · 02/08/2018 19:00

^You really should tell the wife
It's morally the right thing to do^

Bullshit. Absolute bullshit.

This guy has screwed over OP. She owes nothing to anyone. She has no relationship with this wife. And it might make the OP feel even worse than she already does to get any further involved.

There is absolutely no obligation to do anything at all.

QuoadUltra · 02/08/2018 19:02

Why is the OP more important than the wife?! Confused

The OP does not need to make her own life harder because this guy cheated.

Magtheridon · 02/08/2018 19:10

"This guy has screwed over OP. She owes nothing to anyone. She has no relationship with this wife. And it might make the OP feel even worse than she already does to get any further involved.

There is absolutely no obligation to do anything at all."

If someone I don't know falls on the street or has an accident. Most people don't just walk on by because they dont know them they do the right thing and help if it's possible.

This poor woman is starting a life on a lie. Of course it's the decent thing to do. Your moral compass has clearly gone haywire if you believe the OP should only consider her feelings and hers only...

Majority of people would want to be told asap if their partner was cheating on them

She just needs to be honest and say she thought he was single but wants her to be fully aware of the kind of man she's married

I can't understand why people say don't get involved when she's already involved. That man dating her and telling her he was single - has already got her involved.

TheMonkeyMummy · 02/08/2018 19:15

I would want to know but I wouldn't want the OW to tell me, or to get a message via social media.

As it's a small knit community, do you have anyone in common, with her parents for example? Someone who could maybe pass on information?

I also wouldn't be able to resist sending him a 'congratulations' message.

Such a horrid and sad situation.

oreoxoreo · 02/08/2018 19:34

If you blocked him and never contact him again he will be the winner in the situation. I would find my way to tell the wife once you mentally ready.

pisces7268 · 02/08/2018 19:46

I agree that blocking him and disappearing is a perfect outcome for him, you should tell her. I know it's not your fault and he's lied to you too but now you know I think you need to x

QuilliamCakespeare · 02/08/2018 19:59

I would tell her. Be kind, explain the dilemma you've wrestled with, but give her the opportunity to choose for herself while in possession of all the facts. If it was me I'd want to know.

MynameisMaximus · 02/08/2018 20:29

So sorry this has happened to you OP. In my experience deep feelings can develop in a short time so this must be painful.

I agree with PP that you are under no obligation to tell the wife. While it's clear the majority of people on this thread would want to know, as would I, it doesn't follow that it is your moral responsibility to make contact and tell her. This man has lied to you about who he is for months so you don't know how he might react once he finds out it came from you.

You've had a terrible experience and need time to process and recover. Think of yourself and your children Thanks

Original poster
Shockedgirl · 02/08/2018 20:32

I am taking on board that the majority of you are saying I should tell her and I will definitely try and work out a way to do this anonymously. Just to give you my side of things and explain why I am so nervous about getting involved. I have had a difficult few years with harassment, stalking and abuse from my ex. I’ve had to move to a new town to escape him and I am a single parent to two young children so I am very very hesitant about getting involved in anything that will bring any more drama or disruption into my kids lives.

OP posts:
TheMonkeyMummy · 02/08/2018 21:27

Good luck XX