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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend got married

257 replies

Shockedgirl · 01/08/2018 21:25

Not sure what I’m looking for here but in shock and could do with some virtual support.

I have been seeing a guy since April, it’s been going well. Nice dates, lots of texts, long phone calls etc. He’s stayed over at mine when my kids have been away and we had a chat about being exclusive. He’d been telling me for a
while that he had a two week holiday booked and a few weeks beforehand he said that he wouldn’t be contactable during the holiday. With the benefit of hindsight that now seems a bit odd but at the time I didn’t really give it much thought.
Anyway since he went I have noticed that he has been online on WhatsApp a lot which is odd as he said he wasn’t going to be able to access it at all due to lack of internet etc.

Long story short, I did some digging and low and behold, the holiday was actually him getting married! There is nothing about it on his Facebook or insta but loads of pics on his new wife’s account and other family members. I just feel completely shocked and very hurt. I discovered it last night and in my initial shock and upset I thought I should send a message to his wife letting her know what he is actually like but I didn’t and now in the cold light of day I just think that would be an awful thing to do to her just after her wedding.

I just feel totally physically sick that I have been involved in this. I have looked at the pics and they look so happy and I am just so gutted that he isn’t the man I thought he was and also that I have been caught up in something so bloody awful and that I have fallen for it. I haven’t contacted him and I have blocked his number so he can’t contact me. I’ll be fine and obviously it wasn’t a very long time that we were together but I’m just feeling really crap and in shock.

OP posts:
safetyfreak · 02/08/2018 07:55

I hope you do tell his wife, she deserves to know especially before she gets pregnant with his child.

I agree with another poster saying set up an fake account and send her the message and evidence on there.

Kool4katz · 02/08/2018 07:56

Don't tell the wife. She won't believe you at all and will channel all her hate towards you.
He's obviously a scumbag and will do it again so leave them both to it.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 02/08/2018 07:57

give the wife the truth and let her decide about her own marriage

The underlined bit is correct.

spudlike1 · 02/08/2018 07:57

Tell her

MissedTheBoatAgain · 02/08/2018 07:58

Don't tell the wife. She won't believe you at all and will channel all her hate towards you.
He's obviously a scumbag and will do it again so leave them both to it

Excellent, excellent and more excellent

Ionlylookatthepictures · 02/08/2018 07:59

Surely if he’s been tagged in his wife’s pictures on fb, and he has you as a friend, he will know that there’s a high chance you’ve seen the pics?? Confused

Sorry this is happening op Flowers

MartagonLilies · 02/08/2018 08:01

I would tell her. It's not nice, however I'm pretty sure she could get the marriage annulled at this point if she wanted to.
I'm sorry he pulled this on you too.

Imchlibob · 02/08/2018 08:04

What an utter low-life. He either used you as a "last fling" before "settling down" or was planning to keep you permanently as his bit on the side. Nasty.

It's quite easy to set up a second facebook account. First you need to set up a new email account - there are plenty of services out there you can use to create one. Make up a fake but real-sounding name - just pick a name at random from a list of 100 most popular forenames and 100 most common surnames and use that in the details.

Upload into the fake fb profile everything you have about your relationship. All the proof and the detail about how he told you about his uncontactable fortnight and discovering that this was actually a wedding.

If you want to do this publicly then first send friend requests to everyone in BF's list of Facebook friends - those lists are usually public. Some won't accept but a few will. Likewise send friends requests to everyone on the bride's friends list. They will all assume that you were someone they met at the wedding.

Or just friend-request the bride if you want to do it quietly. Use a pc not a mobile (on a mobile the fb messenger will thwart your anonymity) to send a message with the friend request(s) suggesting that she looks through your recent posts for information about what her new husband was getting up to in the months before the wedding - tell her you don't intend to be involved any further but that you are only telling her as you think she should know what a scumbag she has hitched to asap in case annulment is an option she might want to consider, and wish her the best of luck for the rest of her life.

TheDogAteMyPants · 02/08/2018 08:06

MissedTheBoatAgain missed the point more like. This is naff all like your situation. The OP was in a relationship with this man AT THE SAME TIME he was engaged and getting married. They were synchronous events, not harassment years afterwards. If you can’t comprehend this basic fact, stop making these ridiculous comments.
I’m so sorry OP. What a bastard. It’s up to you if you tell the wife or not, but for what it’s worth, I think she deserves to know. She’s as much as a victims of this man as you, possibly more so as she’s now legally tied to him. You can do this anonymously. She may or may not believe you, that’s her call, but at least she’s not unaware.
It happened to a work colleague a couple of years after she married. Contacted out of the blue over one Christmas. She was given enough proof so that it was incontrovertible. Devastated her, but several years later her life is 1000 times happier.

NorthernSpirit · 02/08/2018 08:06

He’s a scumbag and has been awrfuk to you.

You’ve only ‘dated’ this man since April (max 4 months) so it isn’t a long time.

Hold your head up high and move on. Stop stalking him on WhatsApp, FB, Insta etc. And move on. Stalking him makes you look desperate and like a bunny boiler.

tenterden · 02/08/2018 08:06

I would definitely want to know and think you should tell her. Sorry this has happened to you.

kenandbarbie · 02/08/2018 08:10

I don't think you should feel obligated to tell her. You didn't do anything wrong. From your point of view you're better off with no more contact at all. She'll find out soon enough what he's really like no doubt.

Ryder63 · 02/08/2018 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 02/08/2018 08:14

To those who have mentioned annulment please below extract from government website

  1. Your marriage is not legally valid - ‘void’ marriages
You can annul a marriage if it was not legally valid in the first place, for example:

you are closely related
one or both of you were under 16
one of you was already married or in a civil partnership
If a marriage was not legally valid, the law says that it never existed.

However, you may need legal paperwork to prove this - for example if you want to get married again.

  1. Your marriage is defective - ‘voidable’ marriages
You can annul a marriage for a number of reasons, such as:

it was not consummated - you have not had sex with the person you married since the wedding (does not apply for same sex couples)
you did not properly consent to the marriage - for example you were drunk or forced into it
the other person had a sexually transmitted disease when you got married
the woman was pregnant by another man when you got married
Marriages annulled for these reasons are known as ‘voidable’ marriages.

Being pissed off because partner is or was seeing someone before and during the marriage does not seem to be grounds for annulment. Wife can divorce an grounds of unreasonable behaviour, but will have to wait till she has been married for at least a year.

Ryder63 · 02/08/2018 08:16

OOPS! wrong thread Blush

MissedTheBoatAgain · 02/08/2018 08:20

Hold your head up high and move on. Stop stalking him on WhatsApp, FB, Insta etc. And move on. Stalking him makes you look desperate and like a bunny boiler

Good post. All this nonsense about sending messages and setting up dummy accounts on FB is pure sadness.

Shortstuff08 · 02/08/2018 08:25

I think you could argue the wife was forced into it. She was manipulated and not given the full details.

MistressDeeCee · 02/08/2018 08:38

He isn't the man his wife thinks he is, either. So sorry OP, you must be gutted. It sounds trite but it's so very true that time is the healer.

Look after yourself, do nice things for yourself, see friends, holiday, new look/exercise regime etc, whatever it takes to occupy your mind. Keep going even when you don't want to.

& just think - it could have been you unwittingly exchanging wedding vows, going through a sham of a ceremony with a man who is a devious, cunning liar.

He's treated you and his now wife appallingly, disgusting man that he is. But at least you have an opportunity to go on with your life without him in it. His wife's world will crash down sooner or later. Not so for you. Be glad you dodged a bullet
💐

BeyondMyThoughts · 02/08/2018 08:40

She definitely needs to know but I wouldn't go making fake accounts or anything as it would make it look like it was a lie

Must be horrible for you Op thinking you were exclusive and then finding out he got married Wine you are better off without him if he can do that and his wife needs to have the same information for her to decide what to do with it

I hope you have a nice holiday with your children and this doesn't spoil it Thanks

Flickerfromview · 02/08/2018 08:55

Ingalia I wondered the same - I read this as that he was from a different culture and had gone abroad to get married - ie an arranged marriage, which would throw a different light onto things. If I'm right, it's still shitty that he didn't tell you, as surely he must have known, but perhaps familial expectation is very different from his heart's desires?

It would be good if the OP could confirm this.

In some cultures this would be acceptable. I work with a community where it is acceptable for the men to have an arranged marriage in their own culture and a white girlfriend.
Exposing this would, sadly, be nuanced by expectations of this community. IME, OP, you as the GF would be frowned upon - not for being the GF but for 'telling' and the wife would be shamed for being involved but would be expected to continue her marriage.

This is just my experience in my professional life (and may be totally irrelevant) but would be a major factor in how this plays out.

MooPointCowsOpinion · 02/08/2018 08:59

Missed is definitely the bloke from the OP, I’d put money on it. Back in your box please, Sir, your comprehension skills are that of a child and the grown ups are talking.

As a wife, I’d want to know. It won’t matter how you, or someone else or a fake account, tells her, it will come like a sledgehammer but I think it still needs to be done. However, everyone is forgetting you in all this OP, you deserve some time to recover from this awful shock!

Thatforagameof · 02/08/2018 09:09

I was her, tell her as soon as. I had to wait 8 weeks to find out after the wedding and i felt a complete fool. You might feel shit doing it but she needs to know and he isnt going to tell her.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 02/08/2018 09:22

Missed is definitely the bloke from the OP, I’d put money on it. Back in your box please, Sir, your comprehension skills are that of a child and the grown ups are talking

On no they are not. I work outside UK and have done so since late 80's. Ask OP if the guy she was with worked outside UK since late 80's.

All those who suggest OP informs new wife are making the assumption that she does not already know. Maybe it is a marriage of convenience? Maybe she is pregnant with this man's child? Maybe it is an open marriage and wife too has a bit on the side?

HollyGibney · 02/08/2018 09:27

Do not tell her. Just do what you've done, keep him blocked etc. I thought maybe tell her till I read you had kids. It could impact on them if things get nasty and really if you're a single parent you need your headspace for that, I am one and would do as I advise in your position.

Hope you're ok, what a pig of Mann.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 02/08/2018 09:31

All those who suggest OP informs new wife are making the assumption that she does not already know. Maybe it is a marriage of convenience? Maybe she is pregnant with this man's child? Maybe it is an open marriage and wife too has a bit on the side? Then there'll be no harm in the OP telling her, will there?