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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend got married

257 replies

Shockedgirl · 01/08/2018 21:25

Not sure what I’m looking for here but in shock and could do with some virtual support.

I have been seeing a guy since April, it’s been going well. Nice dates, lots of texts, long phone calls etc. He’s stayed over at mine when my kids have been away and we had a chat about being exclusive. He’d been telling me for a
while that he had a two week holiday booked and a few weeks beforehand he said that he wouldn’t be contactable during the holiday. With the benefit of hindsight that now seems a bit odd but at the time I didn’t really give it much thought.
Anyway since he went I have noticed that he has been online on WhatsApp a lot which is odd as he said he wasn’t going to be able to access it at all due to lack of internet etc.

Long story short, I did some digging and low and behold, the holiday was actually him getting married! There is nothing about it on his Facebook or insta but loads of pics on his new wife’s account and other family members. I just feel completely shocked and very hurt. I discovered it last night and in my initial shock and upset I thought I should send a message to his wife letting her know what he is actually like but I didn’t and now in the cold light of day I just think that would be an awful thing to do to her just after her wedding.

I just feel totally physically sick that I have been involved in this. I have looked at the pics and they look so happy and I am just so gutted that he isn’t the man I thought he was and also that I have been caught up in something so bloody awful and that I have fallen for it. I haven’t contacted him and I have blocked his number so he can’t contact me. I’ll be fine and obviously it wasn’t a very long time that we were together but I’m just feeling really crap and in shock.

OP posts:
NewUserNameTime · 02/08/2018 09:37

How awful!

MissedTheBoatAgain · 02/08/2018 09:43

Then there'll be no harm in the OP telling her, will there?

If wife already knows what does OP achieve?

Kingkiller · 02/08/2018 09:48

If wife already knows what does OP achieve?

But it's far more likely that she doesn't know. If the wife doesn't know, OP will have done her a favour by telling her. If the wife does know, no harm will be caused by telling her. In other words, there is no good reason not to tell her.

runningscare · 02/08/2018 09:49

Obviously he loves his new wife in some sort of way .... it's a fcuked up kind of way ...

Would I tell the new wife? No I don't think I would .... would I expect the bloke to tell the wife ... yes, yes I would expect the bloke to tell her.

I would probably message the bloke and tell him that you know about the wife and he has a week to tell her ...

swingofthings · 02/08/2018 10:12

Another one to say don't do anything and move on as you are. She's married the guy and no one knows what is going on between them.

You are not responsible for her choices or feelings. Good luck OP moving on and don't let this get your spirit down there really are good guys around.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 02/08/2018 10:18

You are not responsible for her choices or feelings. Good luck OP moving on and don't let this get your spirit down there really are good guys around

Best response to OP so far.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 02/08/2018 10:21

But it's far more likely that she doesn't know

Pure guess.

FiestaThenSiesta · 02/08/2018 10:31

I’d unblock him and see if he sends you any incriminating texts or emails, wanting a “date” after he’s now married.

Then don’t respond to him and reblock him on everything.

My reasoning? Take power back for yourself and make him piss himself a little in his pants. Your silence will drive him crazy as he won’t be able to guess what you’re going to do. He will have realised you can use the text against him and he’ll be tying himself up in knots trying to figure out how to spin this to his wife or not say anything at all.... basically mental torture.

You don’t need to tell his new wife anything if you feel it will bring a shitstorm into your life. Flowers

bethy15 · 02/08/2018 10:38

If the wife knew, why would the BF make a big deal making sure the OP doesn't phone or text while he was away getting married?

The most likely thing is that she doesn't know at all.

Personally, I would find a way of letting her know. Just because, well think of how bad the OP feels, and it was only her boyfriend who she had been dating since April. This woman has married this man and may have a lifetime of him cheating behind her back.
She could get out of the marriage now, she may be tied to him further down the line.

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 02/08/2018 10:43

Tell her!

dirtybadger · 02/08/2018 10:55

The wife not knowing isn't a "pure guess". It's statistical likelihood. How many people cheat on their spouses? How many are in open marriages? Therefore, which is more likely. (Clue: the former)
If 90% of marriages were open marriages no one would be suggesting telling the wife.

The man in question was cheating on his fiance and was intending to continue into an affair. As far as he is concerned he has a wife and a secret girlfriend (as OP hasnt told him shes found out).

OP isnt obliged to tell the wife, but as evident from this thread most people agree that in the wifes situation they would want to know. So that they can make an informed decision on their future, to have autonomy. Relatively basic empathy which most people can acknowledge (and OP herself says ideally she would tell her as she reconises the value, but of course there are some competing issues for her beyond ideals).

Overandout4 · 02/08/2018 11:16

MissedTheBoatAgain you've missed the point again, whoever you are you are not offering anything helpful to the discussion! Why is there always one boring, pointless poster a thread like this?! Yawn

I would try and find a way to tell the wife. She will have the choice with all the facts to choose to stay, or start again while she is perhaps still quite young? I think life throws difficulties at you like this but you will probably feel like you've done the right thing if you tell her.

I know of a man who had a double life with two families and it all came out eventually. It caused so much heartbreak but could have been cut shorter if the OW had spotted the suspicious signs sooner and been brave enough to do something.

Be brave OP and then move on with your life!

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 02/08/2018 11:30

If I was the wife I would want to know. Would I thank you? No probably not at first, but his wife is entitled to know what an utter cunt she has just married and who could potentially expose her to std's if he is adept at cheating, which he very obviously is.
Op, enjoy your holiday with your kids, be relieved you had a lucky escape and when you get back send her all the information you have and make it clear you had no idea. Definately include any timestamped evidence of texts etc talking about being 'exclusive' with this scumbag. If she has any questions answer them honestly and she can do what she wants after having all the facts.
Really wish more women would look out for each other, especially when twats like this happily treat wives/girlfriends like shit and bank on everyone being complicit in covering it up.
Good luck, op.

LellyMcKelly · 02/08/2018 11:33

If you were the bride and she was the OW would you want her to tell you? Would you want to know? There’s your answer. Personally, I would want to know. Regardless of whether I left or stayed I’d be doing it with full knowledge of the facts, not lies, omissions, or half truths. You don’t owe her anything, but in her shoes I think most people would rather know sooner or later. I wouldn’t bother with fake accounts or anything like that either. I’d find some social media route and just say who you are, and that you’ve been in a relationship with that prick for 4 months not knowing he was getting married. I’d be totally up front about it, you’ve done nothing wrong.

spudlike1 · 02/08/2018 11:49

Tell her
She most probably will have children with this wanker. Tell her ..then move on ....knowing you did the right thing .
There's no need to be involved with any future drama .
Just tell her then block and move on

spudlike1 · 02/08/2018 11:51

Women should support each other .

EnglandKeepMyBones · 02/08/2018 12:03

I would want to know if it were me, but you have to do what is right for you, you don't actually owe either of them anything.

Cutting contact with him as soon as you found out was absolutely the right thing to do. I'd go and enjoy your holiday with your kids and process it all properly, give it time to sink in, and then make a decision on whether or not to tell her when you get back. Just make sure you keep any proof you have in case you do decide to let her know, without proof she is very unlikely to believe it.

Anothergoodday · 02/08/2018 12:22

I would want to know and as soon as possible, as another poster stated there may still be time to get an annulment.

Ventiamore · 02/08/2018 13:02

The truth will come out to her eventually
Oh really? And how is that going to happen if everyone who knows he's cheating keeps quiet about it? She suddenly develops psychic abilities? Decides to follow him for a day for no apparent reason and happens upon him doing something dodgy? Ffs.

I'd have more respect for the 'don't tell' brigade's answers if they also stated that they wouldn't want to know if they were in the wife's position. But I bet that's not the case for most. It's no wonder so many ppl get away with shitty behaviour with that kind of attitude. (Not you OP, but it is only shitty behaviour from the guy, and anyone who supports or enables cheating. )

gottastopeatingchocolate · 02/08/2018 13:16

Genuine question - in an "Open Relationship" doesn't everybody know it's open - as in, wouldn't the OP have been told?

Ventiamore · 02/08/2018 13:17

In a genuine open relationship, yes, you'd think so, gotta.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/08/2018 13:22

My ex received such notice resulting from numerous photos and texts sent to new partner

Ah now we see your agenda @MissedTheBoatAgain.

You were the cheat and when your ex told your "new partner" you had them up for harrassment. Nice!

Cantstopworryingaboutit · 02/08/2018 13:26

Does he have you as a friend on Facebook? If so he would know you would find out!

perper · 02/08/2018 13:34

How are there honestly people in this world who think it's ok to not tell the new wife?!?! Bloody hell. Great society we live in where people think the best course of action is just to wash your hands of it- classic 'not my problem' attitude.

She absolutely needs to know. There are circumstances where she could apply for an annulment, but regardless of that, how could anyone sit by knowing what had gone on and think that it's not their job to tell her what she deserves to know?!

MissedTheBoatAgain · 02/08/2018 13:35

ToBitOutOfPractice

I filed the divorce petition. New partner reported ex to police for harassment against my advice to block number and delete all what had been received.

Nothing achieved.