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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s being forced to stop seeing me

188 replies

AnnaB80 · 31/07/2018 22:50

My boyfriend is 42 years old & has 2 kids. He left his wife because he was really unhappy & didn’t love her anymore then he met me.
We have/had an amazing relationship, we connect so much on every level & both of us have never felt so in love.
His family were shocked that he left his wife & have totally taken her side over him.
They hate me even though they don’t know me, which I expected & can deal with to a point.
The ex wife & his family have now started using his children against him, saying if he continues to see me he cannot see his kids. He does not wangt to have to take it to court so he is pretending he is complying.
He had to move back in with his parents when he left & they are threatening to put him out if he is in contact with me. He works at the family business & has been told he will be jobless if in touch with me.
So basically he is being threatened with not getting access to his kids, being homeless, jobless & his entire family disowning him but we are so deeply in love & want to be together forever.
I am single with children of my own & they love him dearly. I have told him he can move in with us but doesn’t want to cause more grief.
They are monitoring his phone, Facebook etc & won’t even let him go to the shops on his own.
He thinks it’s just a matter of time before they get bored & back off but I am really struggling. They made him block me off everything but we have a way of messaging that they don’t know about but I have to wait on him messaging me. I have no idea when I will see him or hear from him but he keeps assuring me that it’s all going to work out & that he is doing this for our future. I have never loved anyone so much & he says the same but obviously his kids come first so he feels torn. I feel happier than ever when we’re together but since this happened I’ve only managed to see him twice for 10 minutes & all our conversation is through text when he gets a moment alone. I really don’t know what to do. I’d be grateful for any advice or opinions. X

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 31/07/2018 22:53

They won't allow a 42 year old man to go to the shops on his own? What are they doing, putting a gun to his head?

lifebegins50 · 31/07/2018 22:56

How old are the children? How long have you been together?

SunflowerJo08 · 31/07/2018 22:58

He could easily get a contact order to order contact times for the children irrespective of you but it sounds like his family control him so much that this would be impossible right now.

Really he needs to pull himself together and escape from their grip. Legally he cannot be stopped from seeing his children and if he is forced to become jobless he will get legal help with ensuring legally that he can see them

It really is a simple choice, he either carries on as he is now and nothing changes, or he runs and comes to you. I really think you need to take the upper hand in this and tell him he comes to you or that's it. I know that is very hurtful thing to consider but right now he is anchoring you down and not really doing a great deal about changing things. He needs to accept that he has lost near on everything, and just get on with it, in either direction.

tethersend · 31/07/2018 23:00

Has he gone back to his wife?

Have you seen his parents stopping him contacting you, or have you heard it from him?

Shambu · 31/07/2018 23:00

If he was 15 and a Montague it would be exciting. At his age it's bizarre, dodgy and ridiculous.

Did his wife actually know he'd left her? Or is that just what he told you? Why doesn't he want to go to court to establish access?

I have some sympathy with his family actually, trying to get him to take responsibility. But as an adult he is perfectly capable of moving out and telling them what's what. If he does not, well maybe he doesnt want to.

TBH I think it's quite likely he's gone back to his wife and hasn't told you.

dirtybadger · 31/07/2018 23:01

How long has he been seperated and how long have you been together? How long ago did he meet your DC? All relevant as to whether this may blow over and how bad/good an idea moving in with you is.

It is at all possible he is actually living back with wife and kids and the "they wont let me" is a cover up for having am affair? Sorry have to ask...!

My advice would be this is too much baggage, be done with it. But if youve been together a few years then obviously the investment is very different to 9 months or whatever.

forumdonkey · 31/07/2018 23:01

Are you sure he was single and not been caught by his DW? A 42 year old man who is having all his media monitored - by who and how are they getting access? Sounds far fetched to me

Whereismumhiding2 · 31/07/2018 23:02

His parents and xW are being controlling and abusive, it's actually a criminal offence (coercive behaviour, domestic abuse). Is he telling you the whole story? Are there different cultures involved that brings different pressures he doesn't want to go against?

He has choices on how to.deal with this. You can offer support but he has to decide.

MSnotMRS · 31/07/2018 23:03

Did you see him before the marriage was over? I don’t know but my first instinct would be give him 6 months to sort his life out, it sounds messy and raw. If there’s anything real there it’ll still be there in a few months. His own family will probably get easier in time as they accept things... Let him tie up his prevoua relationship and get stable for his children, and then you can expect the respect and attention you crave

LineRunner · 31/07/2018 23:04

This sounds so incredibly far-fetched. Someone's lying, and if it's not you then it's clearly him.

Ffs keep your children away from Walter Mitty II.

EveningShadows · 31/07/2018 23:04

He sounds like he’s lying through his teeth tbh - do you have concrete evidence that any of what he’s told you is true?

Whereismumhiding2 · 31/07/2018 23:05

I too am a bit Hmm that he's spinning you a line.

Coolcool · 31/07/2018 23:06

If he is also so deeply in love and wanting to be with you forever then he would be with you not ‘pretending’ to obey his parents.

AfterSchoolWorry · 31/07/2018 23:08

Meh. Do you have any evidence ah odd that is true? Or are you just taking his word for it?

FloweryTwats45 · 31/07/2018 23:11

My advice is to walk away.

LunaTrap · 31/07/2018 23:13

Sounds like he's gone back to his wife tbh, it's more likely that is why he isn't able to see or speak to you freely than because a 42 year old man isn't allowed out alone.

OllyBJolly · 31/07/2018 23:14

both of us have never felt so in love

Not so sure about that.

BastardGoDarkly · 31/07/2018 23:15

Sounds like bollocks to me op.

WobbleTime · 31/07/2018 23:16

This sounds very bizarre. Are you actually sure he hasn’t gone back home to his wife and has concocted this story to cover up so you back off and he doesn’t get caught out? Sorry but that was my first thought when I read your post.

Clairetree1 · 31/07/2018 23:17

why do you believe this?

SendYouUpInFlames · 31/07/2018 23:17

Sounds like he's still fucking the XW. Do you have proof he's back at his mum's etc?

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 31/07/2018 23:18

He’s still with his Mrs. Everything he’s told you is lies.

Move along and don’t let this spineless cheat darken your doorstep again.

GreenTulips · 31/07/2018 23:19

He's either gone back to his wife or he's totally spineless

Have you met his kids? How old are they? I think he moved in with his parents and regretted it so is back with his wife

Do you know where he lives? You need some concrete proof

pallisers · 31/07/2018 23:19

He is probably back with his wife - if he ever left her.

You can do way way better than this. Dump him and find someone who actually wants to be with you and doesn't have a trail of baggage (and lies).

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 31/07/2018 23:20

He was never separated from his wife and she's rumbled him.