Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s being forced to stop seeing me

188 replies

AnnaB80 · 31/07/2018 22:50

My boyfriend is 42 years old & has 2 kids. He left his wife because he was really unhappy & didn’t love her anymore then he met me.
We have/had an amazing relationship, we connect so much on every level & both of us have never felt so in love.
His family were shocked that he left his wife & have totally taken her side over him.
They hate me even though they don’t know me, which I expected & can deal with to a point.
The ex wife & his family have now started using his children against him, saying if he continues to see me he cannot see his kids. He does not wangt to have to take it to court so he is pretending he is complying.
He had to move back in with his parents when he left & they are threatening to put him out if he is in contact with me. He works at the family business & has been told he will be jobless if in touch with me.
So basically he is being threatened with not getting access to his kids, being homeless, jobless & his entire family disowning him but we are so deeply in love & want to be together forever.
I am single with children of my own & they love him dearly. I have told him he can move in with us but doesn’t want to cause more grief.
They are monitoring his phone, Facebook etc & won’t even let him go to the shops on his own.
He thinks it’s just a matter of time before they get bored & back off but I am really struggling. They made him block me off everything but we have a way of messaging that they don’t know about but I have to wait on him messaging me. I have no idea when I will see him or hear from him but he keeps assuring me that it’s all going to work out & that he is doing this for our future. I have never loved anyone so much & he says the same but obviously his kids come first so he feels torn. I feel happier than ever when we’re together but since this happened I’ve only managed to see him twice for 10 minutes & all our conversation is through text when he gets a moment alone. I really don’t know what to do. I’d be grateful for any advice or opinions. X

OP posts:
Ophelialovescats · 01/08/2018 07:15

If all that he is telling you is true then he is a weak, individual and I would have lost respect for him for allowing himself to be controlled.
However, I think you are not being told the full story .

Ophelialovescats · 01/08/2018 07:19

You are both 'white Christian'.
What advice are you getting from your church?

Maryann1975 · 01/08/2018 07:21

Can I ask how old you are op? Your post reads like you are quite young, I have read you have dc, but if you are quite a lot younger than him, is this why his family are trying to keep you apart?

Shambu · 01/08/2018 07:24

Even if he does have a toxic family at some point in your life you have to find a backbone. If he can get find it at 42, he may never.

One thing to take forward is that 2-3 months of dating is way too soon to be introducing anyone to your kids. They could have been shielded from all of this if you'd taken the wiser road of getting to know this man and his situation properly before even considering it. On the plus side can't possibly love him after you've been together such a short time so I think that's projection.

I think you really need to focus on rebuilding a social life and support network around you so you are not so inclined to jump in feet first to a relationship.

Shambu · 01/08/2018 07:24

*cannot find it

HoppingPavlova · 01/08/2018 07:28

He’s 42yo. He’s got no balls whatsoever. The whole thing is disturbed and he obviously chooses to participate in the weirdness. If this does not encourage you to run far and fast I don’t know what would?

ciderhouserules · 01/08/2018 07:30

Op - his family are controlling him to the extent that he would be homeless, jobless, and have no access to his kids?

You are offering a way out of all of these problems. He ill have a place to stay (at yours) and he can get another job. He can get court-ordered child access. Why isn't he doing these things? Because he is controlled by his family. And you will never be accepted by them. You will have the PIL from HELL. You will prob have to move away.

Are you ready to do that?

BlindedByCharm · 01/08/2018 07:33

Hate to say it but I think he's back (or has always been) with his wife. Similar thing happened to me. I didn't know I was the OW but when I found out it broke my heart. You have to leave this "man" and move on. But please tell him you know the truth and may or may not tell his wife. I didn't as I don't know what to say but it was fun to watch him squirm for a while!

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 01/08/2018 07:35

Three possibilities here:
He‘s making it all up because he‘s back with ExW
He‘s a spineless drip
He‘s been conditioned by a highly toxic family and can’t break free

None of these situations are good for you, OP. Let him go.

trulybadlydeeply · 01/08/2018 07:37

I also wonder about religious beliefs when you describe both of you as "white Christian". Is he a church goer? If so are he and his family from a particularly charismatic /strict church? Recently a family member was in a similar situation, basically her partner though very much in love with her, was forced to end the relationship by his parents who were very devout Christians, based on advice from the church, as she wasn't a Christian. He is very much younger though (early 20's).

Regardless of why though, this is never going to work if his family have that much control, and won't even let him go for a walk on his own. End the contact, tell him he is an adult, and he must make some choices about what he wants in life.

OliviaStabler · 01/08/2018 07:39

He’s being forced to stop seeing me

Actually he isn't. He is choosing to not see you.

He has a choice of where his life heads as you have offered him a home and he can gain access to his dc through legal means and look for a new job. But he hasn't done a thing.

He wants his cake and eat it and doesn't have the strength of character to stand up for himself.

FuckPants · 01/08/2018 07:42

The lack of sympathy because he is a man is disturbing, women who are in controlling relationships are not weak or they don't have no balls and they are not told to grow a backbone etc.

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 01/08/2018 07:45

OP, ignore the misbelievers and concentrate on what you have in your power to do. You have two options:

-put up with this crap indefinitely, the insecurity, the misery, etc

Or

  • give him an ultimatum. A deadline. You’ve offered him a way out. He needs to sort out access, get a job, leave his family. Only he can decide whether or not your love is worth all that hassle.

He needs to make a decision and do it. But you need to give him a deadline for that decision and tell him what you expect by that date.

Be strong.

Kardashianlove · 01/08/2018 07:45

It seems really soon to introduce DC, particularly when your relationship isn’t stable so it does seem like you both have poor judgement.
It’s also concerning that you want him to move in with your kids when it sounds likely that doing this could have a negative affect on them in the long term.

he does not want to have to take it to court so he is pretending he is complying
I think this tells you everything you need to know. How he’s handling the situation seems very off, so you need to consider whether you want a relationship with someone who deals with things in this way.

A ‘normal’ response to this, would be for him to
-go to court for contact
-find a job if his parents were threatening to sack him
-get his own place
-contact you in a regular, normal way
-don’t ‘pretend’ to his patents
-introduce both sets of kids at a much later date when things are settled and his own DC are used to their new routine
-discuss moving in together much further down the line when you are both sure the relationship is solid for the sake of all DC

You sound like a lovely person by the way and very open to considering this may not be right for you which not everyone is able to do. Good luck Flowers

Cuttingthegrass · 01/08/2018 07:56

I'm not sure it will ever work out if you all live in a small village as you say. Sorry

SandyY2K · 01/08/2018 08:01

I wouldn't want to be with a 42 year old man who quite frankly is this weak and spineless.

I'd lose attraction for him not being able to stand up to them.

EvaHarknessRose · 01/08/2018 08:03

If true, my advice would be to tell him you do care about him, but the current situation is hurting you. Offer a three month break for him to sort out some changes either to his family relationships or to his living and work arrangements. Then, if you still want to, you will agree to continue the relationship in a normal, not hidden way. After all, who would be happy with this for 6 months or more?

MilesHuntsWig · 01/08/2018 08:11

This is odd. If it is all as presented to you then your partner needs to figure out what he wants and sort it out. This isn't going to magically evolve into a happy situation.

As per KardashianLove's post above, there are some pretty standard, albeit tough, steps to take to sort it out...

Maybe have a break until he's sorted out what he wants and has starting doing something about it?

Littletabbyocelot · 01/08/2018 08:14

I watched my dad go through a relationship with high drama where they had to battle to be together. He had never felt anything like it, intense soul mate stuff. He spoke a lot like you at the time. A decade of fighting against the odds and despite the emotional highs the lows were awful.

After it ended, he met someone where everything was simple. No romantic drama. I'd never seen him happier.

I think the 'romantic' drama increases the intensity but in the end whether he's being abused or taking the piss you'll be happier without him.

And meeting kids means nothing. I met more than one woman friend of my dad's during my parents marriage. Its only looking back, knowing that he was unfaithful that I've realised colleagues don't make that much effort. One woman had made all our favourite food and gone out and bought toys for her immaculate flat.

SandyY2K · 01/08/2018 08:21

If a 42 year old woman was allegedly being controlled like this I'd also think she was weak.

I personally wouldn't be in a job where I could be threatened like that...as that's not full proper financial independence.

Family business? Is he an employee? Does he pay NI and tax? Is he a partner or company director? You don't have to answer these questions. I pose them as a HR professional as food for thought.

There are laws to protect employees and his parents could find themselves being taken to an employment tribunal for unfair dismissal.

It's more likely thst his family aren't impressed with him 'falling out of love' and leaving his wife.

My brother got divorced several years ago and if he'd come with a flimsy 'I've fallen out if love' for no concrete reason...then another woman appeared shortly afterwards...we wouldn't have been impressed.

We as a family also wouldn't be welcoming his new GF with open arms.

Marriage is meant to be forever. I know there are very genuine reasons it doesnt always work out... but they probably feel he gave up too soon.

If I'm honest....I felt thst way about my DB.... but at the end of the day...It's his life.

Bluelonerose · 01/08/2018 08:24

Op at first I thought he was stringing you along. Now I think he is being controlled.
He has to see this for himself though.
Imo I would tell him that you think he is being controlled and he needs to deal with that first before you can have a relationship.
Then step back and let him deal with it. If your relationship is meant to be then a few months apart won't make any difference.
Good luck when someone is in a toxic situation it's hard for them to break free.

user7680 · 01/08/2018 08:45

Why is OP being accused of being the OW when she’s clearly stated that she’s not? Crazy ,mad ,bitter women on here. If you can’t help her just ignore the post

Joysmum · 01/08/2018 08:53

I’m with Springydaffs and Fuckpants on this.

It’s fucking disgraceful the way the majority on this thread have commented. AngryAngryAngry

Victims are not weak and spineless
It doesn’t need a ‘gun to the head’ to be a victim of control
Victims don’t feel like they have a choice
Their actions, or lack, aren’t indicative of a lack of love for others
They aren’t to blame for how they are being treated

For fuck sake this shouldn’t take any explaination! Biscuit

Fuzzywig · 01/08/2018 08:54

There is a whole range of advice here - would you tell him about the thread and advise he reads it?

In the scenario that he leaves his parents home and moves in with you, he loses his job, his family disown him and he doesn’t get to see his kids and his ex doesn’t get any child maintenance as he will not be able to afford to pay it.

I think he needs to reclaim his independence and move out of his parents house into a flat of his own then his parents won’t be able to control him and he can make decisions which suit him as and when he needs to make them.

Maybe he should be getting some advice from the Dad’s equivalent of Mumsnet.

RebelRogue · 01/08/2018 08:58

If this is all true, the relationship is doomed anyways unless he cuts all contact with his family. If he doesn't,you'll spend your life pandering to them just like he does and never being put first.

Honestly,it's not worth the hassle. His pattern or behaviour predicts a lot of grief,hard work and heart break. It's not worth it.