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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s being forced to stop seeing me

188 replies

AnnaB80 · 31/07/2018 22:50

My boyfriend is 42 years old & has 2 kids. He left his wife because he was really unhappy & didn’t love her anymore then he met me.
We have/had an amazing relationship, we connect so much on every level & both of us have never felt so in love.
His family were shocked that he left his wife & have totally taken her side over him.
They hate me even though they don’t know me, which I expected & can deal with to a point.
The ex wife & his family have now started using his children against him, saying if he continues to see me he cannot see his kids. He does not wangt to have to take it to court so he is pretending he is complying.
He had to move back in with his parents when he left & they are threatening to put him out if he is in contact with me. He works at the family business & has been told he will be jobless if in touch with me.
So basically he is being threatened with not getting access to his kids, being homeless, jobless & his entire family disowning him but we are so deeply in love & want to be together forever.
I am single with children of my own & they love him dearly. I have told him he can move in with us but doesn’t want to cause more grief.
They are monitoring his phone, Facebook etc & won’t even let him go to the shops on his own.
He thinks it’s just a matter of time before they get bored & back off but I am really struggling. They made him block me off everything but we have a way of messaging that they don’t know about but I have to wait on him messaging me. I have no idea when I will see him or hear from him but he keeps assuring me that it’s all going to work out & that he is doing this for our future. I have never loved anyone so much & he says the same but obviously his kids come first so he feels torn. I feel happier than ever when we’re together but since this happened I’ve only managed to see him twice for 10 minutes & all our conversation is through text when he gets a moment alone. I really don’t know what to do. I’d be grateful for any advice or opinions. X

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnaB80 · 31/07/2018 23:47

He left his wife a little over a year ago after marriage counselling didn’t work but she is still in very close contact with all his family.
We started seeing each other just after Christmas.
The kids are all between 3 & 9.
He met my kids after a couple of months. I met his kids about 2/3 months ago. They’ve sent me video messages when they’ve been away with him for the weekend & he’s been Snapchatting me & got the kids to say hi etc.

OP posts:
Smellbellina · 31/07/2018 23:49

That’s quick to involve DC

PickAChew · 31/07/2018 23:50

For all the justification, it's still far too complicated.

Smellbellina · 31/07/2018 23:51

He could of course be from a highly manipulative family that has him by the gonads, but again if that’s the case you still need to run as fast as you can. It won’t get any better. You won’t save him, but you will lose a lot trying.

Original poster
AnnaB80 · 31/07/2018 23:55

I’m honestly not deliberately trying to defend him...I guess I’m just looking at it all through rose tinted glasses & hoping that it’s all true & going to be a happy ending, even though deep down I think I know I need to walk away. I am honestly so grateful for all your comments but please don’t feel the need to be rude to me...I’m only asking for a bit help from other women as I don’t really have anyone else to talk to

OP posts:
parklives · 31/07/2018 23:57

Anna take off those rose tinted glasses, why would you want a relationship like this?

Original poster
AnnaB80 · 31/07/2018 23:57

@Smellbellina I think you’ve hit the nail on the head

OP posts:
ThinkingCat · 31/07/2018 23:58

since this happened I’ve only managed to see him twice for 10 minutes & all our conversation is through text when he gets a moment alone

During which time period have you only seen him twice for 10 minutes?

Original poster
AnnaB80 · 31/07/2018 23:59

@parklives I really don’t but it was all so good in the beginning & I miss that....he just got me like nobody else ever has

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnaB80 · 01/08/2018 00:00

@ThinkingCat in the last 2-3 weeks

OP posts:
wizzywig · 01/08/2018 00:07

Are there any cultural factors at play here? I can see this kind of thing happening in asian cultures

TaraCave · 01/08/2018 00:09

He's not serious about making a go of things with you otherwise he would.
His family and him sound like complete nightmares and something you do NOT want your children to be part of. Walk away. No actually ... run

Original poster
AnnaB80 · 01/08/2018 00:10

No there are no cultural factors involved....both white Christian

OP posts:
princesstiasmum · 01/08/2018 00:31

Sorry, but i think he is lying to you,or making excuses,this scenario is very familiar to me, a controlling ex and family,
Not being to text him back etc,Hmm

LaBurraRioja · 01/08/2018 00:32

He's bullshitting you OP.

LaBurraRioja · 01/08/2018 00:33

I was posting at the same time as princesstiasmum . Completely agree.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 01/08/2018 00:43

He’s back with his wife, assuming they were ever separated. Run. Fast.

PrimalLady · 01/08/2018 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 01/08/2018 00:59

I'm going against the grain here.

My Dp kept me secret for a year. I didn't meet his friends, I didn't meet his DC. He was in the midst of a divorce.

I was a single mum with 2 DC. I actually thought I was the OW for a while, never ever would have been if I'd known.

It was all true, he was doing damage limitation. he is now my DH and we are a lovely, well-together blended family. I never thought it possible and for a few years it wasn't.

If you are OW though- shame on you. My ex DP cheated and DD 1 is damaged because of his behaviour. DC are fairly adaptable but not immune to assholery. If you are responsible (along with him) then IMO you have a cross to bear, the DC -yours and his - didn't ask for any of this. They need stability and routine and if you don't 110% mean it then walk.

Original poster
AnnaB80 · 01/08/2018 01:10

If you read the thread you will see that he left his wife a little over a year ago and we only got together just after Christmas so, no I am NOT the OW so no shame on me! I wish people would read the facts before chastising me!!!! I have answered all questions honestly & if some people think I am lying then why would I be on here asking for advice?? None of you know me so no reason to lie & if I was then the advice would surely be pointless!!!!

OP posts:
springydaff · 01/08/2018 05:59

Sometimes man hate on MN really does get out of control.

If it was a woman who was caught in a toxic family dynamic we'd be much more likely to be sympathetic. But as a man he's pathetic/a wet weekend etc.

I can quite see how he's this controlled by very toxic parents. Talking of which, get the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Read it, but don't expect him to read it. It usually takes a LONG time for people to accept their parents are toxic.

I'm sorry people have been so rude and dismissive of you op. MN can be great but not always. iiwy I'd take a step back. You have a history of an abusive relationship which is usually preceded by an abusive dynamic somewhere in our past/childhood. Abusive dynamics have a way of following us about unless/until we specifically address the damage in eg a therapy setting.

I believe you that his parents are this toxic and he has been groomed by them to obey, regardless that he's 42: as some of us sadly know, a toxic upbringing can cripple us in the deepest way. He is controlled by his parents and that is going to take a long time to unravel - if he ever does. He may go back to his wife to keep the peace - not because he is pathetic but because he is controlled.

He may come good and tell them to do one. But in the meantime I'd rein in any ideas you are star-crossed lovers and I'd take a step back and get on with my life. If he comes back then great but I wouldn't expect it. In the meantime, do the Freedom Programme to address the abuse in your previous relationship - abuse doesn't just drain away, we have to address it (unfortunately). Also look into getting some therapy if possible.

I feel for you op. You can lead a great life with or without him Flowers

Mary1935 · 01/08/2018 06:27

Lovely post Springydaff. You always write so well and have a real depth and understanding of the human race.
Sorry your having a hard time Anna - he needs to see this is wrong and to change his own life - you can’t do that. I would respectfully walk away. Don’t waste years hoping and catching glimpses of each other with the occasional text.
Grieve and move on.🌺

AuntieStella · 01/08/2018 06:42

I think it's fairly simple. He's just not that in to you. Not meant just as a glib phrase, but if he really wanted to sort out a child arrangements as part of a divorce, then he wouid be doing that. Instead, he is back with his family, who as you say, are close to his DW.

You've been dating only for a few months - this might be time for you to move on. If you told him you would not communicate with him or see him until he was properly single, do you think that by the end of the year he would have started court proceedings or he wouid be fully back in the marital home?

OrdinarySnowflake · 01/08/2018 06:54

Op - his life is a mess. It's been a year and he's still living at his parents house. They are using that and the fact he works for the family to control him, yet it doesn't sound like he has started looking for a different job or somewhere else to live.

Has he started divorce proceedings or seen a solicitor about his ex trying to stop him seeing the Dcs?

To put bluntly, other than having sex with you, had he done anything about building a new life for himself, or is he just acting like life is happening to him, and he has no control over it?

At 42, being that passive is deeply unsexy. Tell him when he's an independent adult, to call you again. Otherwise, move on.

BastardGoDarkly · 01/08/2018 07:04

Yes, great post Springy

Op this is a very messy and complicated situation. I think your fella needs to find his own way out of this, whatever that may mean.

Think oF your own mental well being, best of luck Flowers