He’s being forced to stop seeing me

[AnnaB80]

My boyfriend is 42 years old & has 2 kids. He left his wife because he was really unhappy & didn’t love her anymore then he met me.
We have/had an amazing relationship, we connect so much on every level & both of us have never felt so in love.
His family were shocked that he left his wife & have totally taken her side over him.
They hate me even though they don’t know me, which I expected & can deal with to a point.
The ex wife & his family have now started using his children against him, saying if he continues to see me he cannot see his kids. He does not wangt to have to take it to court so he is pretending he is complying.
He had to move back in with his parents when he left & they are threatening to put him out if he is in contact with me. He works at the family business & has been told he will be jobless if in touch with me.
So basically he is being threatened with not getting access to his kids, being homeless, jobless & his entire family disowning him but we are so deeply in love & want to be together forever.
I am single with children of my own & they love him dearly. I have told him he can move in with us but doesn’t want to cause more grief.
They are monitoring his phone, Facebook etc & won’t even let him go to the shops on his own.
He thinks it’s just a matter of time before they get bored & back off but I am really struggling. They made him block me off everything but we have a way of messaging that they don’t know about but I have to wait on him messaging me. I have no idea when I will see him or hear from him but he keeps assuring me that it’s all going to work out & that he is doing this for our future. I have never loved anyone so much & he says the same but obviously his kids come first so he feels torn. I feel happier than ever when we’re together but since this happened I’ve only managed to see him twice for 10 minutes & all our conversation is through text when he gets a moment alone. I really don’t know what to do. I’d be grateful for any advice or opinions. X

He never left his wife.

You were an affair.

He has gone back to his wife.

Stop believing his lies and find a single man.

Agree your children shouldnt even know hes your boyfriend yet

Right I’ll try to address all the questions...
I most definitely wasn’t an affair or the OW, he had left his wife before we got together.
I have not just met him, I have known him since school
I am the same age as him
He is an extremely sensitive/emotional guy & also a people pleaser. He’s a popular guy in the village & hates confrontation of any kind. He is very close to his family & is being emotionally blackmailed & already been cut off by some close family members.
We are Christian in the sense of our beliefs but not regular church goers & definitely not getting advice from the minister.
I won’t go into detail but I have seen & also received messages from his ex & family & know for a fact he is not back with her, definitely has left her & living with his parents.
I do realise that I’m defending him in a sense as I do care about him so it’s hard to hear people bashing him.
I do take on board the positive advice from some posters & believe he is not ready for a relationship yet & needs to tie things up at his end & start living as an independent man before we can have a proper relationship.

Thank you everyone who has commented. I only ask that you don’t call me names or slate me. I only want help to be strong & see the situation from another persons perspective. Obviously it’s only each persons opinion because you don’t know either of us but it is all helpful in some way xx

I dont think it sounss like it can worl without leaving the village. Which would be a bit of a foolish thing to do after dating someone for 6 months who had only been out of his marriage for 5-6 months before your relationship began.
If youre from the village, is it possible the family and wife believe you were OW...? Because I assume they know you already knew each other. And things moved fast. That might explain it a little.

You cant stop his family controlling him. You will have to leave him to it, get on with life, and see if he can sort his own stuff out. I do sympathise with him, but it isnt your place to do anything, and you dont have any power or say. He will have to get working on a new job and saving for a deposit to live somewhere (out of the area!). Maybe reevaluate moving in after his divorce is finalised and everyhing is sorted in a couple of years. Someone recently posted a link explaining how a new partners income may be taken into account during divorce proceedings, so definitely dont move in together whilst he is still married. For everyones sakes (especially the kids in the middle of this).

You’re right in a sense @dirtybadger ...his ex has said that she thought they would work it out & get back together, even though they had been through marriage counselling & he told her he wasn’t in love with her anymore because they had grown too far apart & didn’t have anything in common except the kids. She obvs still loves him & thought they would work it out & the family probably believed this too. I think that’s why the anger came when we started dating. Over the months they have tried different ways to split us up & nothing worked so keeping his children from him & threatening to make him homeless & jobless was the ace up their sleeve....he is a doting father & they knew the kids were his Achilles...rightly so. He was getting access to them regularly & they just stopped it until he finished with me. Guess it’s true what they say, some people hate their ex’s more than they love their children!

@MistressDeeCee I’m sorry if me being naive or believing (wishing) that someone could actually love me for me offends you. It may just be me being stupid & fantasising & falling for lies...that’s why I reached out 😞

If you and him stay together these people will be your in laws and control and interfere in your life. Not sure I could tolerate that tbh.

@frogfairy has a point. He would really need to go NC with his family in all likelihood, and get court ordered contact with kids. He needs to do that ASAP, but thats his job and he needs to figure that out himself.

Your children do not ‘love’ him.

His children have a legal right to have a relationship with him under The Children Act 1989, regardless of what his ex or parents try to impose on him. He needs to go down the legal route.
How on earth you can find a man attractive with all this baggage, weirdness and mind fuckery, is beyond me

Tbh I can honestly say I think I’m done....best to walk away. My kids are my life & I don’t want them dragged into a lifetime of bitterness & fights. I’ve had enough shit PIL to last me a lifetime & I do get the feeling he’s spineless & probably trying to force me to leave rather than him take the jump & have to actually make a decision. I honestly thought he was a nice genuine guy....he said all the right things, but talk is cheap. On reflection his words don’t match his actions. It’s hard but I have to admit I probably have been a fool.
He knows about my past & knows I am on anti depressants due to untreated post natal depression....how could someone be so cruel?? If he has been playing me all along what do I do? I feel sick to my stomach that someone could play with another human beings life/emotions like that. I feel worthless & powerless

He has potrayed himself as the victim to you, casting you in the role of rescuer. Its a way for him to justify whatever a situation he has helped create and avoid taking responsibility for it on the grounds that everything is outside his control.

After all from what you say he left his wife and destroyed his kids world because the thrill was gone as opposed to her abusing/controlling him in some way.

He wasnt playing with your feelings at all you where just colatoral damage neccesary to his story in which he is the one who has been hard done by.

How old are your kids ?

Years of deppression originating from post natel issues often can evolve into psychosis, making you particularly vulnerable to being drawn in and possibly not geared up to deal with him in your life.

how could someone be so cruel??

Some people are selfish and think only of themselves and think 'stuff anyone else's feelings'.

If he has been playing me all along what do I do?

You block him and move on. It will hurt but best not to get drawn in any further

Go and visit him at his parents and then decide if he's telling the truth or stringing you along.
You need to know the truth before you can decide how to move forwards.

I think the family that are stopping him.see you are his wife and kids. Hes got back with them . I hope youre protecting yourself and yiure own heart x

AnnaB80 I read your post and said what I thought about this situation with this man who is disrupting both yours, and your childrens' lives.

I have not said anywhere that I'm offended. There's no reason for me to be. Nor have I described you as stupid etc (you will never find me calling any woman 'stupid' in MN or in RL) - you are labelling yourself in this way over a lying and unkind man who sounds dangerous to any womans' emotional health tbh...even if all he says is true, then his weakness is of no use to your family unit.

Reading on a screen yes his story does sound absolutely ludicrous, in Walter Mitty embellished fashion, which is why I mentioned surprise at you falling for it.

I think moving on is the right decision.

He knows about my past & knows I am on anti depressants due to untreated post natal depression....how could someone be so cruel??

You gave him power by telling him this stuff. I keep these sorts of things very close to my chest when I meet men, I think any man who has any sort of manipulation in him will see that crack and drive a wedge in and open it up, making you more vulnerable in the process and I suspect he has done this to you.

You need to ask yourself why you were so willing to paint this as a grand love affair and believe all this bullshit. You need to wise up as you have children who have become involved in this mess.
Also you are now a wicked OW in the village.
He will of course be telling his wife that he is not seeing you anymore but he daren't tell you. Its bloody obvious to the outsider.
Block him and move on and find someone who deserves you but time to drag yourself into this century I think.

Is your secret way of messaging kik? You are being played for a fool.

Why do people involve their children so soon in their own messy situations in their relationships?
Sorry OP, but I do feel really strongly about this.

Agreed that a certain type of man will see low self esteem, disclosed MH problems, self harm scars and any other weakness, as a total free for all when it comes to taking advantage. It's like having a neon sign above your head saying 'KICK ME'.
There are a lot of men who will do this. Not all, but a lot. Don't ever think that others have the same levels of empathy as you. It's very very risky.

And another word of warning:
NEVER think that because a man has suggested, or expressed a keen interest in, getting to know your kids, that that means he's in it for the long haul. Doing so early in the relationship is a warning sign that they are using the kids to make you think how lucky you are. Any decent man would suggest waiting.
They don't feel like you, who is thinking 'aw he's great with my kids he really loves us and sees us as his family'. Unfortunately, it is more likely to be 'if I play with the kids she'll fall for me, give me more sex and let me have my own way'.
You need to be so careful OP.

Put your children first because no one else in this situation will. Don't introduce them to any man until you are in a serious relationship with no drama.

"He is very close to his family & is being emotionally blackmailed" "He is a people pleaser".
If you have a 40+ year old man that will not/is not capable of putting his foot down with his family etc, you have a problem ie he is the problem. He will not be putting you, your feelings, your security, first, any time soon. Not your fault, it's him.