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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s being forced to stop seeing me

188 replies

AnnaB80 · 31/07/2018 22:50

My boyfriend is 42 years old & has 2 kids. He left his wife because he was really unhappy & didn’t love her anymore then he met me.
We have/had an amazing relationship, we connect so much on every level & both of us have never felt so in love.
His family were shocked that he left his wife & have totally taken her side over him.
They hate me even though they don’t know me, which I expected & can deal with to a point.
The ex wife & his family have now started using his children against him, saying if he continues to see me he cannot see his kids. He does not wangt to have to take it to court so he is pretending he is complying.
He had to move back in with his parents when he left & they are threatening to put him out if he is in contact with me. He works at the family business & has been told he will be jobless if in touch with me.
So basically he is being threatened with not getting access to his kids, being homeless, jobless & his entire family disowning him but we are so deeply in love & want to be together forever.
I am single with children of my own & they love him dearly. I have told him he can move in with us but doesn’t want to cause more grief.
They are monitoring his phone, Facebook etc & won’t even let him go to the shops on his own.
He thinks it’s just a matter of time before they get bored & back off but I am really struggling. They made him block me off everything but we have a way of messaging that they don’t know about but I have to wait on him messaging me. I have no idea when I will see him or hear from him but he keeps assuring me that it’s all going to work out & that he is doing this for our future. I have never loved anyone so much & he says the same but obviously his kids come first so he feels torn. I feel happier than ever when we’re together but since this happened I’ve only managed to see him twice for 10 minutes & all our conversation is through text when he gets a moment alone. I really don’t know what to do. I’d be grateful for any advice or opinions. X

OP posts:
parklives · 31/07/2018 23:21

This is a bonkers situation, he is either lying to you and still with his wife, or he's bonkers.
Time to move on op and get a real relationship.

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 31/07/2018 23:22

Agree with the others. He is 100% back with his wife and spinning you a line so he has you on the back burner just in case.

He could easily get a contact order for the kids, get a new job and move in with you but is choosing this life where he is allegedly controlled by his family.

ScrubTheDecks · 31/07/2018 23:22

How long since he left his wife?
How long has all this connecting been going on?

Voice0fReason · 31/07/2018 23:24

Does he have a job? Does his mum go with him to work?

If this has any truth to it (which sounds unlikely) then he is a doormat

Original poster
AnnaB80 · 31/07/2018 23:25

He is definitely still staying with his parents. I have seen loads of messages on his phone from his ex, his parents & other family members, all confirming what he is telling me. I’ve told him they’re being controlling & manipulative but he just keeps saying let me deal with it. We were supposed to meet last week & his excuse to get out the house was that he was going a walk to clear his head. He then messaged to say his mum had went with him. I drove out the park & sure enough there he was walking with his mum in tow. They are threatening to make him homeless, jobless & not see his kids. He doesn’t want to move into my house because it would make them all even angrier & it would bring my kids into it. They have accused me of everything from brainwashing him to being a drug dealer!!!!

OP posts:
PickAChew · 31/07/2018 23:26

I suspect that you were the OW all along and that he's been rumbled.

It's a mess. Walk away. If he's really truly in love with you and genuinely free, one day, then maybe then it can work, but in the meantime... Nee chance.

BinkyandBunty · 31/07/2018 23:27

If he's not actually back with or 'working it out with' his wife, I think the other possibility is that introducing you or the idea of you (and possibly your children) into his children's lives has been so detrimental to them, everyone has stepped in to protect them.

Maybe it's just all too soon. Reading between the lines, you were on the scene before he left his wife.

gettingtherequickly · 31/07/2018 23:30

I really think you should walk away, he appears to be entirely beholden to his family if they can make him homeless and jobless.

Walk away and wait for him to find another job, if he wants to be with you he will make it work.

Contact might be difficult at first, but he can take it to court if he needs to.

But firstly he needs his independence.

VanGoghsDog · 31/07/2018 23:31

Well, obviously he's not going to do anything different, there's nothing you can do to change it, so give it up as a bad job.

He sounds like a wet weekend anyway

HeddaGarbled · 31/07/2018 23:33

Oh come on - a man of 42 who can’t stand up to his mum and dad?

Don’t waste any more of your life on this nonsense.

Original poster
AnnaB80 · 31/07/2018 23:34

Also we live in a very small village so I know that he is not back with his wife. Also he has told his kids about me & I have met them once. They have sent me video messages when they’ve been with him.

OP posts:
WobbleTime · 31/07/2018 23:36

Well if that’s the case,do you really want to get mixed up in the middle of a family like that? With a man who is a controlled by his parents and ex wife? If you stay hanging on for him, it could all get very unpleasant.
It’s difficult and sad for you but I’d say better to end it with him.

Redteapot67 · 31/07/2018 23:37

You were the ow - definately he hasn’t seperatsd when he met you

UnlikelyAstronaut · 31/07/2018 23:37

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DontDrinkDontSmoke · 31/07/2018 23:37

You haven’t answered any of the timeline questions.

How long ago did he leave his wife
When did you start seeing him
How old are all the kids involved
When did you introduce your kids to him

AnyFucker · 31/07/2018 23:39

You've been had

Smellbellina · 31/07/2018 23:39

If he was 15 and a Montague it would be exciting.
I am so sorry but that is such a good quote and really sums it up. He’s playing you. Don’t fall for it. Peolple always find a way to do what they really want to.

Oliversmumsarmy · 31/07/2018 23:40

They are threatening to make him homeless, jobless & not see his kids. He doesn’t want to move into my house because it would make them all even angrier & it would bring my kids into it

You are offering him a place to stay, he can get another job and he can get an order to see his kids.

What more does he want. At 42 saying, my mum wont let me, is an excuse not a reason

I think you are wasting his time.

Original poster
AnnaB80 · 31/07/2018 23:40

Also thank you for taking the time to comment. I’ve been going stir crazy as I have no family living near me & very few friends due to a previous abusive relationship. I already feel a bit stronger thanks to you ❤️

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 31/07/2018 23:41

and yours

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 31/07/2018 23:42

They have sent me video messages when they’ve been with him.

We are they generic messages by any chance?

Although you seem determined to defend him so you will probably say they had your name, DOB and address on them too.

You've seen what he wants you to see. Take a step back and a look at the whole picture.

You're being played.

Italiangreyhound · 31/07/2018 23:43

@AnnaB80 this sounds really difficult.

I've got no advice except to say that in the long run he will have a choice to find another job and home and move on with his life.

I'd be tempted to have a break, not necessarily a break up, but a break and see if things improve.

bumblebee21 · 31/07/2018 23:44

He's obviously gone back to his wife. How can you not see this? Please stop falling for this you will waste your life on this liar

TaraCave · 31/07/2018 23:45

Load of rubbish!
Lies galore here!!
Wake up & walk away.