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Original poster

He’s being forced to stop seeing me

188 replies

AnnaB80 · 31/07/2018 22:50

My boyfriend is 42 years old & has 2 kids. He left his wife because he was really unhappy & didn’t love her anymore then he met me.
We have/had an amazing relationship, we connect so much on every level & both of us have never felt so in love.
His family were shocked that he left his wife & have totally taken her side over him.
They hate me even though they don’t know me, which I expected & can deal with to a point.
The ex wife & his family have now started using his children against him, saying if he continues to see me he cannot see his kids. He does not wangt to have to take it to court so he is pretending he is complying.
He had to move back in with his parents when he left & they are threatening to put him out if he is in contact with me. He works at the family business & has been told he will be jobless if in touch with me.
So basically he is being threatened with not getting access to his kids, being homeless, jobless & his entire family disowning him but we are so deeply in love & want to be together forever.
I am single with children of my own & they love him dearly. I have told him he can move in with us but doesn’t want to cause more grief.
They are monitoring his phone, Facebook etc & won’t even let him go to the shops on his own.
He thinks it’s just a matter of time before they get bored & back off but I am really struggling. They made him block me off everything but we have a way of messaging that they don’t know about but I have to wait on him messaging me. I have no idea when I will see him or hear from him but he keeps assuring me that it’s all going to work out & that he is doing this for our future. I have never loved anyone so much & he says the same but obviously his kids come first so he feels torn. I feel happier than ever when we’re together but since this happened I’ve only managed to see him twice for 10 minutes & all our conversation is through text when he gets a moment alone. I really don’t know what to do. I’d be grateful for any advice or opinions. X

OP posts:
niketrainersarecomfy · 01/08/2018 12:53

I think he was married all along and never left. He has either been caught but wants to stay, or he is using it as the excuse to dump you.

RafikiIsTheBest · 01/08/2018 12:57

What is he supposed to do? If he doesn't allow them to check his phone as they want then they will kick him out of their home and family business.
I'm sure if he was loaded and had money to blow and didn't work for them it would be different. But his ex wife is threatening to withdraw contact, going through court can take ages when you are desperate to see you kids and he doesn't want to be homeless or a cocklodger staying at the OP's house.
I don't blame him and can see how the situation could come about. My own parents can be quite manipulative and controlling and wouldn't see an issue with controlling my social media or threatening to withdraw support if I didn't comply with their shit. One of the reasons I moved out (eventually, when I realised it wasn't normal).

PrimalLady · 01/08/2018 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nellia · 01/08/2018 13:14

the lack of sympathy because hes a man is disturbing
what is he supposed to do

The post isnt about him, its about a single mother involved with a man who may or maynot currently be contolled by his parents and current wife (ex wife would suggest they are divorced which op has not said they are-hence the scepticism).

Man or woman the op would need to think about the situation they are dragging their children into and themselves, especially as the op has said she has just got her family out of one abusive relationship. I just dont see how plonking yourself in the middle of another toxic dynamic is a good idea.

minmooch · 01/08/2018 13:16

How old are you op? To give an insight into the family's hatred of you.

1Wanda1 · 01/08/2018 13:17

I've got DC and I've gone through a rough divorce.

If I met someone in the position your DP is in, OP, then no matter how much in love I might be, I would say to him: I can't see you - much less let my DC become attached to you - until you have properly separated your life from your STBX. That means getting a contact order to see kids, separating finances formally (en route to divorce). He's a 42 year old man. If he wants to divorce his wife and see his kids, it is not that difficult to do so. Talk of "making him homeless and jobless" seems hyperbolic, unless he works for his wife's company. And even then, he can find another job.

Let him sort his life out.

Floralnomad · 01/08/2018 13:18

Surely taking everything you’ve said at face value it boils down to his choice . He can move in with you with the prospect of falling out with his entire family , losing his job and having to go to court to get access to his children or he can stop seeing you because rightly or wrongly his family see you as the issue . He is 42 yrs old so well old enough to make that decision , it would appear he has chosen to stay with his family so the best thing you can do is move on .

Coolcool · 01/08/2018 13:42

I don’t think the gender of he partner makes much difference at all. If the partner was a 42 year old woman living back with her controlling parents but might actually be back with the exh I think posters would still say steer clear.

I don’t get why this thread has encouraged so much sympathy for the unknown male partner.

Even if posters think his family is toxic or he is being controlled surely the advice to op would still be the same - don’t go there!

AngelsSins · 01/08/2018 13:48

Oh come on! He’s a grown man, he doesn’t have to do what mummy and daddy say anymore. He gets a job elsewhere, moves out and takes his ex to court for access to his kids like a bloody adult. It all sounds a bit fishy to me to be honest.

AnyFucker · 01/08/2018 13:56

Wet lettuce loser or abused man...the outcome should be the same

Op should not be making room in her life to rescue him from his situation. She does not need that shit with dc of her own and having escaped a previous fucked up dynamic herself

She should not be offering her own home as a sanctuary to him. She is not his rescuer. He is a grown man and must find his own way....her children do not have that choice.

To those hugely outraged posters in sympathy with him...do you seriously believe op should take him on, baggage and all ? Would you consider it her responsibility just because she has been dating him for a few months ?

AnyFucker · 01/08/2018 13:57

Sorry...I forgot the 3rd (most likely, IMO) option. He's a big fat liar.

AngelsSins · 01/08/2018 14:02

Sometimes man hate on MN really does get out of control

Man hate?!!! Jesus Christ. Let me tell you what hate is. It’s when you post your fairly tame opinion on something on the internet, only to get months of rape and murder threats from men because you’re woman and dared to have an opinion. And then of course, it turns to real life where women are abused by men every day in horrific and violent ways. Fucking man hating indeed just because a bunch of women arent making excuses for an adult man and falling over themselves with sympathy for him.

AngelsSins · 01/08/2018 14:11

“Okay, in the next thread about a woman in a controlling relationship I'm going to call her a loser and pathetic”

HES NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP.

rainingcatsanddog · 01/08/2018 14:13

If a 42 year old adult isn't ready to cut the apron strings then there is nothing that their partner can do. It doesn't matter if the 42 year old is abused or a liar, they need to be ready to make a stand for what they want.

Finding a new job and home aren't easy but not insurmountable obstacles imo. Whatever the reality, he doesn't want to/can't be with you. Protect your heart and let him go
OP.

POPholditdown · 01/08/2018 14:52

do you seriously believe op should take him on, baggage and all ?

The ‘outrage’ isn’t because she hasn’t taken him in, the ‘outrage’ is because there are plenty of women on here who post about their abusive parents, and being under their control for years. No one calls them pathetic and a loser for not knowing how to get away from it. But a man in this case should have some balls.

POPholditdown · 01/08/2018 14:56

*on

And the OP herself has chosen to stay in a relationship with him. Yet plenty of people here have quickly painted her as a victim because she’s a woman. She’s been had, lied to etc. But dismissed the possibility of him actually being a victim.

niketrainersarecomfy · 01/08/2018 15:23

The ‘outrage’ isn’t because she hasn’t taken him in, the ‘outrage’ is because there are plenty of women on here who post about their abusive parents, and being under their control for years. No one calls them pathetic and a loser for not knowing how to get away from it. But a man in this case should have some balls
I think it's more that people think she should run a mile, because, having children who are already attached to someone who isn't 'allowed' to see her, whose family hate her, and who has that much baggage, is going to be problematic forever. Her children don't deserve to be dragged into that no matter how nice and loving he is. That's not his fault (though I personally don't believe him), sometimes we need to use logic and not think with our hearts, and this is one of them. Unfortunately.
If he is being abused that is awful, but not the OPs problem, she has enough on with kids to raise.

Coolcool · 01/08/2018 16:17

Tbf I have never seen a thread where a woman in her 40s lives with her parents and is not allowed to text or go out for a walk so the situation is exaggerated, not true or very extreme, all of which lead to the same advice - dont get involved.

rainingcatsanddog · 01/08/2018 16:22

Ive seen plenty of threads where posters are told to grow some balls and stand up to their abusive parents. If it's the ILs causing misery then they are told that their h is the real problem and needs to grow a backbone.

The OP is totally powerless. She can wait for snatched moments or walk away. However she's a parent so only really has one choice. She can't tell her partner what to do.

PrimalLady · 01/08/2018 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diodati · 01/08/2018 18:02

I am in a similar situation but it is his wife (no children on his side) who controls his work. And livelihood and everything else! It's frustrating and heartbreaking but my advice to you is to let him go. If he loves you that much, he will move mountains to be with you.

OverTheHedgeSammy · 01/08/2018 18:07

You need to walk away. He needs to sort his life out.

If/when he has managed to sort his life out then, and ONLY then, should he contact you. Stop trying to rescue him.

Seaweed42 · 01/08/2018 18:16

He left his DW and children and moved back in with his parents. Then had this relationship with you (which has been going on several months), but his family didn't know anything about this.
When they found out about you they started controlling his access to you.
Before that, they were happy enough with the fact that he left his wife because he just wasn't that into her anymore.
So while he was with his parents, he must have given them the impression that he would be getting back with his wife? If he had kept telling his parents it was all over with the wife, why would they be going berserk over his relationship with you?

Alicatz66 · 01/08/2018 19:43

You are worth better than this .. you don't need a 42 year old man who is controlled by his family ... if he wants to be with you he will find a way .. if not then you don't want him anyway .. have a break from it all and then date people with normal families .. no one wants this drama .. be kind to yourself , and the very best of luck ThanksThanksWine

TheMonkeyMummy · 01/08/2018 20:22

Too messy... walk away, for your own sanity.

Good luck!