Furious at OH lack of judgement

[MrsSc00bs]

I have been fuming for 24 hours and am still undecided on how to resolve this. All advice appreciated as I am so furious I daren't even speak to my husband right now.

DS is a bright independent mature 8 year old. Husband always expects to much of him - very little experience with kids and a crap childhood of his own.

Husband - good heart, loyal but rough round the edges, says exactly what he thinks and doesn't care if he offends people. Also emotionally retarded as in he cant deal with them or talk about them. Been together 23 years.

Yesterday my DS and OH were in the other room messing about. I heard DS call OH gay (latest joyful thing picked up from school). Then it went quiet so I popped my head around the door. DS was giggling but in a nervous unsure way so i asked what he was laughing at.

He said and I quote ' daddy told me that gay men stick their willies up each other's bums'

At which point I yelled 'what!" Just as OH said to DS 'i told you not to say anything'.

WHAT THE ACTUAL F@€k?!!!!!

I was and am beyond furious. I blew my stack at his irresponsible damaging inappropriate parenting... reassured my son then had to leave the house.

I haven't spoken to him since, bar essentials and to make sure my son doesn't bear the brunt of this discord.

OH works odd hours and with DS on hols we will get no time without him until he goes to my parents in a week's time.

I am at the point where I am tempted to write a letter to tell him how utterly appalled I am, how he has lost my trust and respect, how he has stolen our child's innocence, how he cannot undo what he has done. The only way forward is for him to admit that he was wrong and bloody swear he will never do such a thing again. (OH has never said sorry for anything in his life and is particularly adept at transferring the blame to me)! If he can't... I think our marriage is over.

There are no words for how furious I am ...

I would feel the same as you.

What is the harm? Basic sex education is not inappropriate.

Despite you both being busy and having Dd, I think you need to talk about this.

I’d suggest putting a film or something on for DS having a “chat” in another room. You can’t just let it go.

I too would be very annoyed.

carol I think it depends how the H actually said it.
Also he added “I told you not to say anything” suggests it wasn’t done in a very “educational” way.

I'm honestly not sure what the issue is? What he said or the way he said it?

Presumably at 8 he has any idea that men and women have sex and how that might happen?

I would be livid too.

I don't get what the problem is for you?

Is it that your husband has reduced being gay to just the sex part to be sniggered at (- wrong) or that he has told your ds as part of what being gay is, and your ds has giggled at the 'rude' bits?

I don't really understand what you're so annoyed about. Your DS has used the term "gay" and your DH has told him what most people would understand by that term. The context may not have been the greatest, nor was the language used. But when my similarly aged DD asked me what homosexuality was (came up in a historical discussion), I gave her much the same answer in terms of substance, although I used different terms to explain it. Why is it irresponsible or damaging?

What an idiotic thing for him to say to your DS. My DS is 8 and knows all about gay relationships as I've lots of gay friends but the way your husband said it is so insensitive. I don't think it warrants the end of a marriage but I think there are bigger things at play for you here

if this is a one off, then yes its annoying - however how he has stolen our child's innocence i think you're over reacting a bit here

I dont know what they do in sex ed these days, but heres your chance to have a discussion with your son and explain that 'gay' is not to be used as a slur

Whilst it is clearly an inappropriate comment to make to an 8 year old I think you need to be very careful about how you handle it as you don't want sex to be a "taboo" subject - it's best to nurture a culture of openness and honestly, My parents NEVER spoke to me about sex or anything. I got a 4 minute garbled chat from my mother about puberty when I was around 10 (and it was unhelpful and caused me more confusion than anything) and that was about it. I could see how awkward she felt and it made me feel very uncomfortable. I therefore neglected to ask her any questions (despite wanting to).

All that said your son didn't ask any questions and your husband simply spoke inappropriately to him in relation to a remark from your son. I suspect it was an "off the cuff remark" and I doubt he has any intention of stealing your sons innocence. Unfortunately I think he said it for giggles. That is concerning. Do you wish your son to grow up feeling that the gay community are to be laughed at? That would personally horrify me.

My son is 7 years old and, from the playground, hit out with "you're gay" comment to me one day. I had a matter of fact chat with him that "gay" simply meant when you grow up you'll date/marry someone the same sex as you and that I didn't understand why that was funny/insulting. He thought about it and then said, "no it's not - I don't understand why they say it in school then" and that was the end of it. He's not repeated the comment since.

How did you reassure your son? That it was true or not?

He said it inappropriately, but it’s not exactly incorrect. I think you are over reacting here. You said he says what he thinks, therefore this shouldn’t be an unusual kind of remark?

Is this the straw that’s breaking the camels back maybe.

I think you need to tread very carefully. Whilst inappropriate to say that simply based on saying the word gay - its is true. He is 8 and not far off starting some form of sex ed in Years 4 and 5. And his friends will also be saying stuff.

Your reaction could be more damaging by making sex and gay sex seem unsavoury - he is likely to not be as innocent as you think

But there is also your relationship issues in play as well

The way he said it was inappropriate and childish but what is the actual problem with him knowing this?

He sounds like a pain in general but to end your marriage based on this one comment would be massively overreacting IMO.

He said it inappropriately, but it’s not exactly incorrect

Anal sex is not what "being gay" is - about the same percentage of gay male couples have regular anal sex as do heterosexual couples. You might just as well describe a straight couple as "he sticks his willy up her bum" - that is just as likely to be happening between a man and a woman as it is with a same-sex couple.

I would be unhappy with this because it shows a really worrying level of homophobia from your husband. Your DS has picked up "gay" as an insult and rather than addressing this and taking the chance to have an age-appropriate chat about sexuality, you DH has (presumably) said something crude that a) reduces gay people to a sex act and b) given your son the idea that this is dirty, ridiculous, shameful or degrading.

Your DH sounds pretty immature and worryingly homophobic.

I agree send it does show homophobia but the OP needs to be careful in her reaction as well that she doesnt reinforce this

Your response was ridiculous and not healthy response at all.

You have conveyed the impression that men putting their penises in bottoms is something to be horrified about

Not the way I'd have phrased it but......

Your reaction could be equally damaging. Your DS now probably thinks there is something wrong or bad about sex or being gay.

You need to have a calm conversation with both of them.

I also think the whole 'stolen innocence' thing is a bit weird. My kids knew about sex at 8.

He explained what a gay relationship was to your DS. His terminology was a bit graphic perhaps, and it sounds as though he may have gone about it in a derogatory manner (towards gay men).

I think you are overreacting a bit though. DS is perfectly old enough to be learning about this sort of thing, and it shouldn't be taboo.

Explain to DS that gay is not a term of derision to joke and snigger about people. Gay people are normal human beings and should be treated with the same respect as everyone else. Tell DS all of that.

Tell your DH too that you don't expect him to encourage your DS to snigger about gay men and be derisive about them. His reaction when you do that will tell you a lot.

Is that right Send? Do you have statistics for that? It’s not quite like heterosexual couples surely, as there are less orifices available. Not being crude there hopefully, but it is a fact.

It wasn't age appropriate but you've got to chill out. The boy's dad said something factual, your son didn't realise what 'gay' means, your DH couldn't help but explain it clearly.

'Emotionally retarded', really?

I'd be worried at all the other secrets my DC has been told to keep from me

Should have added that I don't think your DS's innocence has necessarily been snatched away. That is a bit melodramatic. It just depends how you handle it from here.