Furious at OH lack of judgement

[MrsSc00bs]

I have been fuming for 24 hours and am still undecided on how to resolve this. All advice appreciated as I am so furious I daren't even speak to my husband right now.

DS is a bright independent mature 8 year old. Husband always expects to much of him - very little experience with kids and a crap childhood of his own.

Husband - good heart, loyal but rough round the edges, says exactly what he thinks and doesn't care if he offends people. Also emotionally retarded as in he cant deal with them or talk about them. Been together 23 years.

Yesterday my DS and OH were in the other room messing about. I heard DS call OH gay (latest joyful thing picked up from school). Then it went quiet so I popped my head around the door. DS was giggling but in a nervous unsure way so i asked what he was laughing at.

He said and I quote ' daddy told me that gay men stick their willies up each other's bums'

At which point I yelled 'what!" Just as OH said to DS 'i told you not to say anything'.

WHAT THE ACTUAL F@€k?!!!!!

I was and am beyond furious. I blew my stack at his irresponsible damaging inappropriate parenting... reassured my son then had to leave the house.

I haven't spoken to him since, bar essentials and to make sure my son doesn't bear the brunt of this discord.

OH works odd hours and with DS on hols we will get no time without him until he goes to my parents in a week's time.

I am at the point where I am tempted to write a letter to tell him how utterly appalled I am, how he has lost my trust and respect, how he has stolen our child's innocence, how he cannot undo what he has done. The only way forward is for him to admit that he was wrong and bloody swear he will never do such a thing again. (OH has never said sorry for anything in his life and is particularly adept at transferring the blame to me)! If he can't... I think our marriage is over.

There are no words for how furious I am ...

@quizqueen it's only a big deal in my head. Hence the mumsnet to clarify and calm down before discussing with OH. DS is having a good day and I am answering all of his questions calmly honestly and frankly.

Your reaction is completely OTT and you're not completely blameless yourself.
Sounds to me like you idealise your 8 year old and are being very pfb about all this.

we have gay friends.....my son knows it is inappropriate to use 'gay' as an insult... and yet you write that I heard DS call OH gay
So why was your ds calling his dad gay if be understands what homosexual means and knows his dad isn't one?

Husband - good heart, loyal but rough round the edges, says exactly what he thinks
He told his son the truth about what happens between male gay people, he didn't have a homophobic agenda or anything. He was just blunt as per his personality type.
At least your ds is now better educated and hopefully won't go around calling people gay 'just because'.

As for you, calling your husband emotionally retarded is disgusting and ignorant.
You do realise 'retarded' is an offensive term and not acceptable?
Yet you think you hold the moral higher ground?

AynRandTheObjectivist due to a mother who cheated on his dad with the children's knowledge and finally abandoning him age 12.... he struggles with women in general.

I can read this code too. They've all got sob stories for it. It's still not acceptable. I'm not denying his right to be damaged, but one can be damaged without being a misogynist and blaming all women for what his mother did.

You really need to think hard about this going forward, OP. What's he going to say to your son when he started going on dates? What relationship advice is he going to give him? What's he going to tell him about women who have sex, women who don't have sex, shy women, confident women, pretty women, less pretty women?

@HeebieJeebies456 i hold no moral.high ground and have apologised several times now for inappropriate language. I apologise again.

My son knows that gay is when you are attracted to/love someone of the same sex. He doesn't need to know the details yet... that is not the definition of gay!

And his father was not really educating him....not in the way you would hope!

I think your husband is a knob for teaching your son to use gay as an insult.

I think you're a knob for using the word retarded so casually.

Also you contradict yourself with almost every post so who could say what's going on.

I haven’t read the whole thing in entirity but I think you have over reacted. It’s ok to be cross with DH about his crass behaviour but giving him the silent treatment, blowing your stack in front of DS seems like an OTT reaction

I have 2 DC with a man I realised some years back is horribly homophobic and I have had to do a lot of the undoing work of what he has said to them totally inappropriately but blowing my top has not been the answer to this at all. It doesn’t set the DC a good example in return of how to deal with ignorance etc. Also hated the use of the word retarded. It is a gross word

You married him and had kids with him knowing he is like this. You can’t just now change all the rules and start parenting your DH. He should just tell DS he was being silly and say to him something about homosexual relationships being nothing funny and 2 people who love each other etc etc.

Your OH is homophobic and was trying to get your 8 year old son to be disgusted by gay men.

He's a fucking disgrace.

Also tell your son 'gay' is not an insult and to stop using it as such immediately

FYI my kids knew age 8 the basics of what your sex organs do, why we have them and this a normal age to start to learn

@AynRandTheObjectivist i know and I guess that is ultimately my main concern. Just because he is damaged it doesn't mean our son has to be. I need him to seriously consider his attitudes and behaviour and I think the only thing that will get through to him is the prospect of me giving up on our marriage.

Clairetree1 - rushing in and immediately excluding a child for using a word which is not offensive in itself, unlike certain swear words or racial epithets ? Ridiculous - a completely hysterical overreaction.

not the use of the word "gay" but the use of the word "gay" in a derogatory context.

that is always offensive, just as offensive as a racially derogatory term.

I'm so glad you find that responding to hate speech "hysterical" - you are obviously not familiar with UK law, if you think the law against hate speech is "hysterical" then I suggest you get in contact with your MP and register your feelings.

or just expect the law to be upheld, as every other law

Surely taking the child aside and explaining clearly, in terms appropriate to their age, it should not be used it in in that way is a proportionate and realistic way to modify behaviour.

There is not a single school child in the country who has not had it explained clearly, and in terms appropriate to their age, why the word should not be used in this way.

@AynRandTheObjectivist thanks by the way, for taking the.time to understand and see beyond the original anger typed post. Appreciated

I think you have made yourself a vicious circle, when you come down like this on people it’s can offen just excite them a whole lot more - it’s continuation of the taboo. The more naughty something is the funnier it can become. Don’t become ‘look how funny it is when I say that word and mummy loses her shit’

Clairetree1 - you scare me - slavish adherence to rules with no consideration to context is potentially so damaging

what, you mean following the law?

Is it damaging to follow the uk laws on hate speech?

Really?

how about all those people who have been damaged by hate speech? The reason there are laws against it it because NOT having laws against it is damaging.

If you indulge in or condone hate speech, you will be breaking the law,.

What others laws do you think should not be followed ?

How about the drink driving laws? is it "slavish" and "damaging" to adere to these rules too? or do you just use the word "slavish" and "damaging" in regards to laws you don't want to follow yourself?

I'm guessing you are homophobic and condone the use of homophobic language, or you would not consider it "slavish" and "damaging" to uphold the laws against it.

OP, plenty of people have voiced concerns the same as yours: that he was not educating about gay sex but negatively sensationalising it, and showumg concern at the secrecy.

I think it is a horrible way to talk of sex, as is boys ‘sticking their willies’ anywhere. Are women for ‘sticking your willies’ into? We need to talk of sec in terms of a mutual activity to do with sensitivity, feelings, care and desire. When we raise boys we are hopefully not raising animals on a stud farm.

But you need to talk to your Ds and your OH, not rush off steaming and fuming and too angry to explain why you are cross. Married or not, he’ll have access to your Ds, better to have a dialogue between you so you know what is said.

Being crude about sex and getting children to snigger is the mark of an emotionally immature person who does not understand proper boundaries. It actually DOES matter. Children sometimes do and say things with their parents to gauge their reaction.

An intelligent response from the OP's husband would have reassured his son that his own father was not going to stoop to playground humour.

This response was not forthcoming. Instead, the OP's husband encouraged a nasty little 'snigger' type of response but worse - he asked his son not to tell anyone.

Oh dear. My soon to be ex could be disappointing but even he would not have behaved like this with an 8 year old.

Hopefully op is now examining her use of appropriate words in order to positively reinforce appropriate language and the use of, to her ds. She is not responsible for her partners actions, he is. However graphic language about homosexual sex isn't the issue, it's the homophobia that is the issue needing addressing, and let's hope this has not been acquired and ingrained by her ds.

The idea that being gay means anal sex is ridiculous. It’s made me so sad that most people think that this was a reasonable thing to say. Homosexual relationships are so much more than what people do in bed. That’s what’s wrong with what your husband said.

It's OK, OP, you made a mistake, you've done all you can to correct it and it's obvious from the thread itself that you're not a bigot.

Your husband, on the other hand...

Clairetree1 - you are so wrong about me - and your arguments make no sense! It's obvious that in the context of this thread that we are discussing hate speech and with particular reference to homophobia, and particular reference to punishing young children by exclusion using words that they may well have no real understanding of. Surely education is the best way forward on issues such as this? This has no relevance whatsoever to my opinion on drunk driving, and I find your implication that I am a lawbreaker when it suits me deeply offensive, and I have reported your post.

And also the casual 'guess' that I am homophobic - you really couldn't be more wrong if you tried !

I'm guessing you are homophobic and condone the use of homophobic language, or you would not consider it "slavish" and "damaging" to uphold the laws against it.

That's actually an outrageous accusation. You ought to apologise.

Thank you holly

OH has never said sorry for anything in his life and is particularly adept at transferring the blame to me

This is the really worrying bit in terms of your marriage IMO. You've shown, OP, that you can take criticism and admit that you said something you shouldn't have (the r word) but if he will never do that, that's hard to live with and parent with. And sets a terrible example for kids.

mydogmylife

Please try not to take it personally. I have seen this excitable and attacking posting style with Claire elsewhere and I find it quite frightening that such a rigid thinking person is actually a teacher.

It's irresponsible.

I am fully in support of discussing sex with children when they begin to ask questions. It ensures they have a healthy view on it.

If your DS asked your OH what gay means there are far better ways of doing so. Your OH sounds like he acted very immaturely.

He could have told him that being gay is when a man loves another man or a woman loves another woman. It didn't need to be a description of how they have sex. It was entirely unnecessary.

Even if your DS had asked specifically what happens between two gay men it could have been approached in a child appropriate way.

You're right to be annoyed.