Furious at OH lack of judgement

[MrsSc00bs]

I have been fuming for 24 hours and am still undecided on how to resolve this. All advice appreciated as I am so furious I daren't even speak to my husband right now.

DS is a bright independent mature 8 year old. Husband always expects to much of him - very little experience with kids and a crap childhood of his own.

Husband - good heart, loyal but rough round the edges, says exactly what he thinks and doesn't care if he offends people. Also emotionally retarded as in he cant deal with them or talk about them. Been together 23 years.

Yesterday my DS and OH were in the other room messing about. I heard DS call OH gay (latest joyful thing picked up from school). Then it went quiet so I popped my head around the door. DS was giggling but in a nervous unsure way so i asked what he was laughing at.

He said and I quote ' daddy told me that gay men stick their willies up each other's bums'

At which point I yelled 'what!" Just as OH said to DS 'i told you not to say anything'.

WHAT THE ACTUAL F@€k?!!!!!

I was and am beyond furious. I blew my stack at his irresponsible damaging inappropriate parenting... reassured my son then had to leave the house.

I haven't spoken to him since, bar essentials and to make sure my son doesn't bear the brunt of this discord.

OH works odd hours and with DS on hols we will get no time without him until he goes to my parents in a week's time.

I am at the point where I am tempted to write a letter to tell him how utterly appalled I am, how he has lost my trust and respect, how he has stolen our child's innocence, how he cannot undo what he has done. The only way forward is for him to admit that he was wrong and bloody swear he will never do such a thing again. (OH has never said sorry for anything in his life and is particularly adept at transferring the blame to me)! If he can't... I think our marriage is over.

There are no words for how furious I am ...

Clairetree1 - you scare me - slavish adherence to rules with no consideration to context is potentially so damaging

I agree. For the record, I'm a liberal (in the "true", rather than the Americanised sense of the word) who believes that freedom of speech is paramount. Labelling kids as homophobic for using terms they don't fully understand is ridiculous. Almost Orwellian, in fact. You scare me too....

The idea that being gay means anal sex is ridiculous. It’s made me so sad that most people think that this was a reasonable thing to say. Homosexual relationships are so much more than what people do in bed. That’s what’s wrong with what your husband said.

THANK YOU!

This is what I've been trying to say, but phrased much better.

To the OP, you are not on the wrong side of this, and those suggesting it's fine and factually true I believe should examine their own thoughts and perhaps behaviours around young children. If you believe that's what being gay truly is, then you really need to have a think on that.

When I was 8 I had no idea about sexual activity like that.I had no idea that 'willy's' were for sticking in things, it wasn't until I was older I learnt about that.

Bloody hell, some of you should try boarding - I was being told what a “pearl necklace” was at 9, and that was probably the tamest example I can think of. I wouldn’t choose to tell my DC in the way that OP’s husband has, but it’s not going to destroy the kid’s childhood. Nor is it likely to turn him into a rampant homophobe.

But the thing is, Changedname, there's quite a difference between what kids hear at school and what they hear from their parents. A difference in responsibility, in authority, in influence, it's just...quite different.

And actually, if you are being raised by a rampant homophobe, as OP's son is, there is a fair chance that some of it will rub off on you. Even if OP's son manages to shake off the toxic upbringing, that doesn't make it acceptable in the first place.

Can't believe this needs explaining.

Hmm changedname...your post is really not reassuring in any way. Children's childhoods are destroyed by insensitive, sexually inappropriately adults each and every day. A pearl necklace is a beautiful piece of jewellery is it not? That you were introduced to the under-belly of depraved adults at such a tender age is....

Because children say these things at school to each other sooner or later

My DD16 asked to watch the inbetweeners and I said no you won’t like the crude language used. She watched one and said ‘it’s like that at primary and secondary school mum...’

A single incident probably won't 'destroy' a childhood, though the kid will almost certainly remember it like I do. But this guy is a homophobe and misogynist. He'll be saying and doing disgusting things all the time and there's a cumulative effect on a child from that.

This is not the sort of thing that occurs as a one off. It's a sign of a deeper problem. He's obviously a homophobe or he wouldn't have said it, and homophobes are always misogynists too.

I cannot believe what your husband said is in any way appropriate. He sounds like a 12/13 yo discussing homosexual sex in playground as some kind of dirty secret. It’s then the job of the parent to explain what a child has heard in an adult and factual way. I think the only thing you can do now is explain gay relationships are a lot more than just sex. And perhaps have a discussion about sex in general.

As for your posters saying your ds definitely knowing what sex is. I’m not sure. When my dd was 8, maybe 9 I told her a couple of times when the word came up that if she had any questions about sex I’d explain. Shd categorically told me she wasn’t interested. Then her friend told her what it is when I was driving them somewhere. That evening/the next day I explained sex in factual terms. It was clear dd didn’t know or at least didn’t understand until that point. The little girls parents hadn’t told her either so I expect they also had a chat.

From the post above:

She categorically told me she wasn’t interested.

This is normal for a child of that age. They become interested when they are of an age where they are ready. When my daughter was around 12 she had a friend with an older brother who had obviously talked to her about sex. This friend would make inappropriate comments and it really annoyed me as I felt sure that she was simply repeating what her teenage brother had been saying. It was probably done for shock value but that annoyed me too.

That is why I think it is so important for parents to discuss relationships with children and emphasize that sex is part of a relationship but only part of it. I'm no prude - I think consenting adults should do what they want. But as these threads demonstrate, being in a relationship is hugely challenging and if parents can model responsible, respectful behaviour then how can their children learn this?

My father unfortunately was a bit of an arse and I can remember him making some inappropriate comments. Even at a young age I knew what he was saying was wrong and insensitive. It felt wrong because it WAS wrong and very young children can pick up on this.

Can't model rather than can model!

lol, i can't stop laughing, i remember my baby brother (who's 10 years younger then me) laughing at things like this and the word sex.

....Completely misses the point of the thread

He deliberately phrased it in a way to cause disgust in your child. Normal people would tell a child that being gay means when two women or two men love each other.

In the same way you don't tell your child that uncle Tom is now sticking his Willy in his new girlfriends vagina, you'd simply say that he has a new girlfriend, that they love each other etc.

I think your response was far more damaging.

Basic sex education is not inappropriate.

By listing sex acts? Gay men don't just do anal. In fact I know a gay couple who don't stick their willies up each others bums at all!

Men also stick their dicks up women's bums. Should her 8 year old be told that too?

I haven't RTFT, but I'd have had the same reaction as you....

Completely inappropriate and unnecessary information for a young child.