Furious at OH lack of judgement

[MrsSc00bs]

I have been fuming for 24 hours and am still undecided on how to resolve this. All advice appreciated as I am so furious I daren't even speak to my husband right now.

DS is a bright independent mature 8 year old. Husband always expects to much of him - very little experience with kids and a crap childhood of his own.

Husband - good heart, loyal but rough round the edges, says exactly what he thinks and doesn't care if he offends people. Also emotionally retarded as in he cant deal with them or talk about them. Been together 23 years.

Yesterday my DS and OH were in the other room messing about. I heard DS call OH gay (latest joyful thing picked up from school). Then it went quiet so I popped my head around the door. DS was giggling but in a nervous unsure way so i asked what he was laughing at.

He said and I quote ' daddy told me that gay men stick their willies up each other's bums'

At which point I yelled 'what!" Just as OH said to DS 'i told you not to say anything'.

WHAT THE ACTUAL F@€k?!!!!!

I was and am beyond furious. I blew my stack at his irresponsible damaging inappropriate parenting... reassured my son then had to leave the house.

I haven't spoken to him since, bar essentials and to make sure my son doesn't bear the brunt of this discord.

OH works odd hours and with DS on hols we will get no time without him until he goes to my parents in a week's time.

I am at the point where I am tempted to write a letter to tell him how utterly appalled I am, how he has lost my trust and respect, how he has stolen our child's innocence, how he cannot undo what he has done. The only way forward is for him to admit that he was wrong and bloody swear he will never do such a thing again. (OH has never said sorry for anything in his life and is particularly adept at transferring the blame to me)! If he can't... I think our marriage is over.

There are no words for how furious I am ...

OPs h blatantly did not say that to educate their son he did it to shock him as retaliation for calling him gay. He knew he shouldn’t have because he told ds not to say anything. Now ds will probably go into school and say that to the next person who says gay in the playground.
Totally inappropriate response and being gay isn’t all about penises and anal sex, especially as women can also be gay.

@butterballs9 yes I think you have nailed it. Thank you.

You need to calm down. Husband sounds like he phrased the whole thing badly but this has been equally poorly handled by you. You and husband need to have a big talk about how you handle questions as your son approaches adolescence.

Anal sex is not what "being gay" is - about the same percentage of gay male couples have regular anal sex as do heterosexual couples

I seriously doubt this

However..if you want to end your marriage for whatever reason..just do it.

As someone else pointed out, your son may think there is something wrong with being gay now after your reaction.
Depense on the way your dh actually phrased what he said. A lot of children at that age will throw that word around but not many of them know what it actually means.
I think you are massively over reacting and to say you would actually end your marriage and split up your family over it is ridiculous. Your dh was stupid but jeezo

I think husbands who demand anal insult their wives' bodies

@niketrainersarecomfy and this is relevant to this thread how?

Your DH is immature and homophobic. He went for shock value.

I'd be sad too if my kid was introduced to sex education by an adult saying, without a proper context, that sex was about men shoving their dick into whatever orifice depending on whether gay or straight sex is being described.

I'd be concerned about a man who thought it was ok to give an 8 year old that information and told him not to tell his mother.

Thats not sex education. So what was it?

You are over reacting. Your DP nipped homophobic use of the term 'gay' in the bud, and taught your son (some) of the reality of gay. It was crude, but honestly, who cares. Saying he's stolen your son's innocence is a load of bollocks.

If the little boy repeats it to his friends, some of the the parents might care.

And I don't see it as nipping it in the bud, the child could still use it for things he finds disgusting, as he probably found the thought of that disgusting in his little head, so he'll most likely use it for things he fins icky.

My son has sld and autism and yes just like yourself OP there are people out there that think it's okay to use the word retarded, shame on you.

I would be unhappy with this because it shows a really worrying level of homophobia from your husband. Your DS has picked up "gay" as an insult and rather than addressing this and taking the chance to have an age-appropriate chat about sexuality, you DH has (presumably) said something crude that a) reduces gay people to a sex act and b) given your son the idea that this is dirty, ridiculous, shameful or degrading.

I'm a bit late to this party, but yes, THIS. The homophobia is what stood out for me, because I had a similar experience.

When I was a little older than your son, maybe about 11, my father (abusive, homophobic) somehow got me into a conversation about gay people. As well as making a joke about a finger in a dyke (which I didn't get, and he rolled his eyes when I didn't laugh), he told me about anal sex and said that that was what gay men did. He used more adult terms than your husband did, but it was definitely done with the intention of horrifying me and making me think that homosexuality was perverse. I am relieved to say it didn't work, but yes, it was not the right way for a child to receive this information.

You need to consider that, because I never met a loving, kind or decent person who was also homophobic.

Clairetree1 - rushing in and immediately excluding a child for using a word which is not offensive in itself, unlike certain swear words or racial epithets ? Ridiculous - a completely hysterical overreaction. Surely taking the child aside and explaining clearly, in terms appropriate to their age, it should not be used it in in that way is a proportionate and realistic way to modify behaviour.

@Timeisslippingaway my son knows that being gay is nothing unusual. We have gay friends ..however he now says that man gay is nasty...so thanks to DH for that! I'll manage the fallout as usual.

I love my DH .. but he is a difficult personality and it is getting progressively harder to coparent as DS gets older - this.is probably why this seems like an over reaction @RebelRogue. Plus having a 40 year old man behave like a sniggering childish teenager is frustrating as hell.

I would be livid. When it is the right time you tell children about things but not in a crude manner. Imagine if your boy goes to school and shouts it out or even suggests someone tries it for fun?

So tell your partner straight and make sure he doesn't do it again. However all men are little boys at heart and he was probably only reverting to that, thinking it was funny.

@RebelRogue he did learn it at school and it is also.a term used by his father occasionally. So I couldn't say where he picked it up first....shoot me.

So if husband uses it as an insult too, he was not doing it, as some posters seem to believe, to educate him out of using it, and was clearly saying it to shock/creep out his son, who at eight would find that disgusting.

Husband taught him the word gay as an insult! I have had words about it with both of them. Husband is not politically correct and refuses to be

I missed this. But I'm not surprised at all by it. It's not 'political correctness' (do people still use that term?) to not be a fucking homophobe. It's just being a decent person who actually had the last 20 years happen to them.

As the child of a proudly 'politically incorrect' shithead, I am afraid to tell you that this is going to be the tip of the iceberg. As your son enters puberty it's going to get worse and worse. If your husband won't accept that a parent's job is not to teach bigotry, prejudice, ignorance and plain old hatefulness, you need to reassess his worthiness for the role. I wish my mother had.

@ElevenSmiles I have apologised and will do so again. I too have autistic relatives that would not be insulted but appreciate that should be kept within our four walls.

@AynRandTheObjectivist THIS is what is going around in my head!!

Lucylou49 - spot on!

Clairetree1 - you scare me - slavish adherence to rules with no consideration to context is potentially so damaging

What sort of things does your husband say about women, OP? I never met a homophobe who respected women.

Your DH didn't say anything which wasn't true except he omitted the mouth bit as well. 8 is a bit young for sex education, in my opinion, but your DS will probably have heard much of the same in the school playground anyway. If information is all said in a matter of fact way then it won't become a big deal. You are making it the big deal. My daughters' friends used to beg her to ask me stuff because their parents wouldn't tell them anything and they knew I would tell them the truth.

@AynRandTheObjectivist due to a mother who cheated on his dad with the children's knowledge and finally abandoning him age 12.... he struggles with women in general. We met very young ... I have dad issues. Probably not the best combination... i have high expectations of what a real father should be and he struggles with the concept of being a mother.

Your DH didn't say anything which wasn't true

So a child uses 'gay' as an insult, and you cannot tell the difference between the responses of 'You know there's nothing wrong with being gay, right? I happen not to be, but lots of people are and it's all fine'' and 'Ha, did you know that gay men stick their willies up each other's bums?'

And you think OP is the one in the wrong?