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Original poster

Furious at OH lack of judgement

166 replies

MrsSc00bs · 29/07/2018 17:18

I have been fuming for 24 hours and am still undecided on how to resolve this. All advice appreciated as I am so furious I daren't even speak to my husband right now.

DS is a bright independent mature 8 year old. Husband always expects to much of him - very little experience with kids and a crap childhood of his own.

Husband - good heart, loyal but rough round the edges, says exactly what he thinks and doesn't care if he offends people. Also emotionally retarded as in he cant deal with them or talk about them. Been together 23 years.

Yesterday my DS and OH were in the other room messing about. I heard DS call OH gay (latest joyful thing picked up from school). Then it went quiet so I popped my head around the door. DS was giggling but in a nervous unsure way so i asked what he was laughing at.

He said and I quote ' daddy told me that gay men stick their willies up each other's bums'

At which point I yelled 'what!" Just as OH said to DS 'i told you not to say anything'.

WHAT THE ACTUAL F@€k?!!!!!

I was and am beyond furious. I blew my stack at his irresponsible damaging inappropriate parenting... reassured my son then had to leave the house.

I haven't spoken to him since, bar essentials and to make sure my son doesn't bear the brunt of this discord.

OH works odd hours and with DS on hols we will get no time without him until he goes to my parents in a week's time.

I am at the point where I am tempted to write a letter to tell him how utterly appalled I am, how he has lost my trust and respect, how he has stolen our child's innocence, how he cannot undo what he has done. The only way forward is for him to admit that he was wrong and bloody swear he will never do such a thing again. (OH has never said sorry for anything in his life and is particularly adept at transferring the blame to me)! If he can't... I think our marriage is over.

There are no words for how furious I am ...

OP posts:
Sparrowlegs248 · 29/07/2018 18:32

Picking "that's so gay" up from school.us nothing new. I'm 40 and recall it being used, along with "you're such a gaylord" at primary school. I don't think you're in the wrong to be so upset OP. I'd worry that your husband explained to ds not in a factual but in a derogatory way. That would be a problem for me. As well as the secrecy, and the general thoughtlessness.

Original poster
MrsSc00bs · 29/07/2018 18:33

Thank you. Starting to question myself ...

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 29/07/2018 18:33

So if he said this line is straight, you think it appropriate to just drop in 'Straight means sticking a willy in a woman's fanny' to an eight year old. One who wasn't questioning sexuality or a sexual act, but merely using a word.

But he wasn't using "gay" in the context of being happy and bright (eg "that's a gay colour"). He was saying to his father "you're gay". So his father was correctly - if rather crudely - educating him as to the meaning of the word he was using.

Clairetree1 · 29/07/2018 18:34

also, it is a legal requirement that the use of the word gay in a derogatory fashion like this is record as a homophobic incident and reported to the council, that is a national Uk requirement, it absolutely should not be happening in any school anywhere in the country

SandyY2K · 29/07/2018 18:35

You're overreacting in my opinion. Wht should he tell your son he was wrong when it's true.

He shouldn't have said it like that. He could have explained it much better...but regarding the sex he was correct.

Jeffers3 · 29/07/2018 18:35

Absolutely shocked at the casual use of the word retarded in your OP.

NataliaOsipova · 29/07/2018 18:35

*a school child heard using this term in or out of school around here would be immediately excluded.

If I emailed to say this had been said in my classroom, a senior manager would be at the door removing the individual within 5 minutes, that is the school policy, that is guaranteed, and that is what happens*

Dear God! Really?

HollyGibney · 29/07/2018 18:37

WHy and how did your son "pick up" this from school - it seems unlikely as the use of the word like this is deemed a homophobic incident and needs to be investigated, recorded and the council needs to be informed.... its not exactly dropping out of the mouths of children.

It absolutely is! Children are sanctioned for it at dd's school but it's definitely not a rare occurrence for it to be used.

OP, it's not you. I have an 11 year old dd who would be shocked to hear that said. Also I think back to when I was 8, being told something like that is something you'd remember for pretty much your whole life. No eight year old needs to be told that, so inappropriate and introducing him to information that NO eight year old needs.

I can't believe posters are spinning it back on you. MN seem to just want to give the OP a hard time these days, no matter what, no matter how right they are.

mimibunz · 29/07/2018 18:37

I’m so offended by your term “emotionally retarded” that I don’t care what your husband did.

WatermelonGlitter · 29/07/2018 18:40

a school child heard using this term in or out of school around here would be immediately excluded

If I emailed to say this had been said in my classroom, a senior manager would be at the door removing the individual within 5 minutes, that is the school policy, that is guaranteed, and that is what happens

How utterly ridiculous.

RebelRogue · 29/07/2018 18:40

You are massively over reacting . Damaging? Stole his innocence? Really? He will and probably has heard worse in the playground. It was a dickish and unnecessary move but your son will not be scarred for life. If it has any real impact,hopefully it will be that he stops using "gay" as an insult.

You don't mention any outrage at not only insulting his father,but using "gay" to do so. That is homophobic language. Hopefully you can spare some of the outrage for the way your son speaks as well.

Clairetree1 · 29/07/2018 18:41

Dear God! Really?

why not? isn't that what you would expect? exactly what would happen in the event of raciat language being used.

really, really, why would you not expect that?

its more or less universal, and where it doesn't happen, it certainly should.

titchy · 29/07/2018 18:41

my son knows it is inappropriate to use 'gay' as an insult

And yet that's exactly what he did.... and your use of the word retarded is also pretty offensive.

So yes, while your husband was a dick, you also need to look at your own use of language and what's acceptable in your own home.

I do think your child should know what sex involves though by now, and I wouldn't have a problem with him knowing how gay males do it.

Clairetree1 · 29/07/2018 18:41

an adult using language like that would presumably expect to lose their job....

rainbowstardrops · 29/07/2018 18:42

I'm sorry but I can't see the problem. Well, apart from the fact he told your son not to tell you because I'd definitely have a problem with that.
My Yr2's have just had sex ed (not quite to this level granted) but at 8 years of age, they know quite a lot already!
Also, I'm guessing he's hearing the term 'gay' in the playground so he's not still in some lovely little bubble.
Ideally you would have approached this in a more subtle way but your son clearly needs to know actual facts now.

bethy15 · 29/07/2018 18:42

But he wasn't using "gay" in the context of being happy and bright (eg "that's a gay colour"). He was saying to his father "you're gay". So his father was correctly - if rather crudely - educating him as to the meaning of the word he was using.

He was using it in the slang term, which meant he probably had no understanding of what it meant.

This was not him educating a child, he clearly did it to make the little boy cringe. And why keep it a secret?

Gay has many meanings, as you say it means happy, it's also a woman and woman who love each other. A man and a man loving each other. The one physical act is not the definition of gay, but it is a definition that can make a small boy cringe.

OK, not a straight line, but if he say a straight couple, I doubt his father would say it means a man sticks his willy in her fanny. I'm sorry, I just don't find this acceptable or necessary.

ChanklyBore · 29/07/2018 18:43

Clairetree - I used it as a teen, so did all of my friends, so did my siblings. Along with gaylord, yes that one too, and others.

We were being big and grown up and using slang words, it wasn’t considered as bad as swear words so you’d get away with it in earshot of a teacher, not that we thought about it that much, we just did what the other kids did and said what they said. There was prevalence of disablist language also.

I wouldn’t use it or any of the terms now. I wouldn’t have used it then if I’d have spent any time thinking about how they might come across vs fitting in with my peer group. I know my childrens friends use some of them now. I will stop them when I hear them. There are lots of kids who play out here. I hear them in the streets a lot, and it’s one of many colourful additions to their language I wouldn’t let my own children say - I’d be happy if the word gay was only ever used in a positive or descriptive way but IME it isn’t the reality, and IME it probably won’t be for a long time.

Clairetree1 · 29/07/2018 18:43

Children are sanctioned for it at dd's school but it's definitely not a rare occurrence for it to be used.

ridiculous, why hsn't the school stamped it out?

they are failing in their statutory duty.

Every incident needs to be investigated in full, recorded and reported to the council, that is the law.

It is also normal for the child to be immediately excluded and parents called.

If that is not happening then it should be

HollyGibney · 29/07/2018 18:44

an adult using language like that would presumably expect to lose their job....

Thankfully we like to give children more chances rather than ruining their lives at age 8 for insults they don't really understand.

Clairetree1 · 29/07/2018 18:45

Clairetree - I used it as a teen, so did all of my friends, so did my siblings. Along with gaylord, yes that one too, and others

thats not what we are talking about though, is it?

lots of terms of abuse were acceptable years ago, and considered a criminal offence to use now.

CherryPavlova · 29/07/2018 18:45

Your husband was a crass but it’s not a marriage ending issue, surely?
I suspect unless he’s lived a very sheltered life that he knows full well what sex involves. He probably already had a rough idea about gay sex.
I’d use it as an opportunity to educate your son and husband but no overreact as you seem to be doing.
My gay friends would laugh and say your husband was accurate if mistimed.

bethy15 · 29/07/2018 18:46

*that is completely unacceptable, and a school child heard using this term in or out of school around here would be immediately excluded.

If I emailed to say this had been said in my classroom, a senior manager would be at the door removing the individual within 5 minutes, that is the school policy, that is guaranteed, and that is what happens*

Still, the children in your school probably use it, just not around teachers.

As for contacting the council, they're eight, it's hardly a hate crime when they barely can understand what the word really means.

niketrainersarecomfy · 29/07/2018 18:46

Ok then Hmm

WatermelonGlitter · 29/07/2018 18:47

Thankfully we like to give children more chances rather than ruining their lives at age 8 for insults they don't really understand

Exactly. I wonder how many of us would stand if our language as a child was dissected and treated in such a way?

Clairetree1 · 29/07/2018 18:49

Thankfully we like to give children more chances rather than ruining their lives at age 8 for insults they don't really understand

who is ruining their lives? I am talking about fixed term exclusions, not permanent exclusions. And if they are not punished, they never will understand the seriousness of what they have done, will they?

but as an adult, you would expect to be sacked, surely?