Furious at OH lack of judgement

[MrsSc00bs]

I have been fuming for 24 hours and am still undecided on how to resolve this. All advice appreciated as I am so furious I daren't even speak to my husband right now.

DS is a bright independent mature 8 year old. Husband always expects to much of him - very little experience with kids and a crap childhood of his own.

Husband - good heart, loyal but rough round the edges, says exactly what he thinks and doesn't care if he offends people. Also emotionally retarded as in he cant deal with them or talk about them. Been together 23 years.

Yesterday my DS and OH were in the other room messing about. I heard DS call OH gay (latest joyful thing picked up from school). Then it went quiet so I popped my head around the door. DS was giggling but in a nervous unsure way so i asked what he was laughing at.

He said and I quote ' daddy told me that gay men stick their willies up each other's bums'

At which point I yelled 'what!" Just as OH said to DS 'i told you not to say anything'.

WHAT THE ACTUAL F@€k?!!!!!

I was and am beyond furious. I blew my stack at his irresponsible damaging inappropriate parenting... reassured my son then had to leave the house.

I haven't spoken to him since, bar essentials and to make sure my son doesn't bear the brunt of this discord.

OH works odd hours and with DS on hols we will get no time without him until he goes to my parents in a week's time.

I am at the point where I am tempted to write a letter to tell him how utterly appalled I am, how he has lost my trust and respect, how he has stolen our child's innocence, how he cannot undo what he has done. The only way forward is for him to admit that he was wrong and bloody swear he will never do such a thing again. (OH has never said sorry for anything in his life and is particularly adept at transferring the blame to me)! If he can't... I think our marriage is over.

There are no words for how furious I am ...

Your DS is using "gay" as an insult. You need to nip this in the bud (possibly what your DH was trying to do) and speak to the school if that is where it is coming from.
Your DH needs to understand that there are other, more appropriate ways of explaining why a) he isn't gay and b) it isn't OK to use it as an insult.
You need to have a sharp word with your self about your use of the word retard.

I would also suggest having a proper sex and relationships conversation and possibly investing in a good age appropriate book such as What's happening to me by Usborne books.

Op, it's foul and vulgar what he said. I just asked my nine year old what 'gay' means and he said that you like other men. Appropriate answer.
If someone asks your son, in his head is sticking Willy's in men's bums. Our husband answer was not one a father would say, more a childish teenage brother.

How utterly ridiculous

no it isn't,

and I am absolutely gobsmacked at the number of people on here who genuinely seem to see this as a trivial issue, rather than as hate speech.

You do realise that it is a criminal offense to use this term as an adult, I hope, and that you will be prosecuted for hate crime.

Emotionally retarded...what...

You are over reacting. Your DP nipped homophobic use of the term 'gay' in the bud, and taught your son (some) of the reality of gay. It was crude, but honestly, who cares. Saying he's stolen your son's innocence is a load of bollocks.

Still, the children in your school probably use it, just not around teachers.

sometimes they do, and other children would report them immediatly

As for contacting the council, they're eight, it's hardly a hate crime when they barely can understand what the word really means

Its not an option its the law, incidents of homophobic abuse or racist abuse are recorded centrally, from every school in the country. the age of the person doing it is irrelevant

but as an adult, you would expect to be sacked, surely?

But we are not talking about an adult. We are talking about a child. So what on earth does losing jobs have to do with silly, excitable 8 year olds? How is it relevant to this? The two situations would and should be dealt with entirely differently. Also can you please PM me the name of the school you teach at? As your descriptions of it both here and another thread are utterly terrifying and very hard to believe and I want to get it at the head of my One To Avoid list for when dd is looking for sixth form.

You are overreacting a tad OP.

Husband taught him the word gay as an insult! I have had words about it with both of them. Husband is not politically correct and refuses to be ... it is an everyday battle to instil appropriate behaviours in a child when his father follows no rules and has no sensitivity.

I apologise for using the word retarded, I am so cross it didn't register. Perhaps I can see he is emotionally underdeveloped?

I am not some oversensitive prudish person.. sex education is important in the right context.

Your DS has used the term "gay" and your DH has told him what most people would understand by that term

Are you really this stupid?
If I worked for MN I would delete this thread because it makes it look like an awful lot of MNetters are ignorant and homophobic.

Your son should be punished for calling his dad gay as it appears he was saying it in a derogatory manner so he was being homophobic.

Your husband should have explained it better but of course his innocence hasn't been taken away.

I thought you said your son learned it at school?

Your son needs to learn that gay cannot and should not be used as a slur.

You need to learn that retarded is not acceptable language.

Your husband needs to grow up.

I heard DS call OH gay
Husband taught him the word gay as an insult!

I'm confused... your DS was the first person in the convo to use the word & then your husband explained what gay sex is .. and knowing that was insulting to who...how?

I think I'm chaining self to fence with rest of the pol-incorrect.

Husband taught him the word gay as an insult! I have had words about it with both of them. Husband is not politically correct and refuses to be ...

That's a huge drip feed. So you're married to a homophobe. Of course it'll rub off on your child. You say you have gay friends? Do they know he uses gay as an insult?

If someone I knew married a bigot I'd assume they secretly felt the same as for most non bigots it'd be too much of a turn off.

@RebelRogue he did learn it at school and it is also.a term used by his father occasionally. So I couldn't say where he picked it up first....shoot me.

He probably told your son not to tell you as he'd know you'd go mental. He was just telling him the truth. If DH is how you say he is then what do you expect? It's how he is.

You really don't like your DH do you? First you say that your DS picked up "gay" as an insult at school, but when your DH didn't get enough criticism on the thread, you changed it to say that your DH is teaching your DS homophobic insults. Weird.

Hmm, your H's intent was retaliatory and childish. However, "stolen his childhood", get a bloody grip. Firstly, you should have pulled your son up on calling people gay as an insult, an opportunity missed by both his father and mother. Secondly,use this is an opportunity to talk to your son about sex. Yes be angry at your H (he was incredibly childish) but that doesn't negate your failings in this saga and no amount of indignation on your part can change that.

You both need to sit down and talk about how you plan to co parent.

How ridiculous that you considered leaving your marriage!

The word retarded is offensive!

Pot kettle

Your contempt for your dh is obvious

Husband taught him the word gay as an insult

In your OP you said he'd got it from school. You also said he knows not to use it as an insult.

I have no problem with children being taught about sex, but that’s not what he was doing. He was being a homophobic twat and totally out of line as a parent. I have no idea how you live with such a twat.

I hope you have reiterated to your son that keeping secrets is dangerous and unnecessary, that he never needs to keep anyone’s secrets from you.

...and to your twat of a husband that if he ever tells your son to keep something a secret from you, that you’ll personally put his penis through the blender, as that seems to be a level of understanding he has. Fuckwit.

I'd be angry too. Your husband is demonstrating a 'snigger, snigger' approach to sex. Suppose your son had asked him what sex meant? Would he have said it meant sticking a willy into someone?

I totally do not agree that an eight year old would necessarily know what sex was. I was quite clueless until the age of 10. Even by 11/12 I was still astonished when a school-mate enlightened me on some of the things that went on between consenting adults.

I remember aged 10 the word 'sex' being banded around and not knowing what it meant. An older friend of my sister's explained it in these terms: : 'it's mating - have you seen rabbits doing it?'

I remember thinking: 'Oh, so what?'

I doubt your son will be damaged by this but it does make your husband look very stupid indeed. And I suspect that is what you are really upset about. As I would be.

If you want to end your marriage, just do it. Don’t use this BS as an excuse. Telling us your son picked it up at school, and when that didn’t get LTB replies, you tell us your DH taught him it

I think if my OH were anti-PC and emotionally immature I would make sure I got in there first with age-appropriate sex education.

And by age 8 my children knew about the basic mechanics of straight and gay sex - partly because they asked about where babies come from and partly because they heard stuff in the playground and asked me about it. But then I have lots of gay, lesbian and bisexual friends so the idea of same sex relationships was pretty mundane.

As he's picking up things like that at school now, I think you probably need to crack on with your own sex ed at home. It's so amazing is a good book for that and age appropriate.